


Moments Like This

by darkin520



Category: seaQuest
Genre: Adventure, Angst, F/M, Family, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, Sci-Fi, Spiritual, Supernatural - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-01
Updated: 2016-05-26
Packaged: 2018-05-24 01:42:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 28
Words: 111,928
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6136960
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/darkin520/pseuds/darkin520
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Some moments change our lives forever; this is no exception.  First season, AU.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. While The Dying World Redefines

**Author's Note:**

> Some of you may remember this story, as it's a repost. I'd originally pulled it down because I wasn't quite proud of where it had gone. The concept will be the same, and some of the chapters will be as well, but there will be tweaks along the way, which will hopefully be an improvement on the original story.
> 
> This is set just after Bad Water.
> 
> Accompanying fanvid can be found here: www.youtube.com/watch?v=6eAkmUk0yZs

Nathan had been relieved when he'd seen the four missing crew members come through the launch bay doors. He'd had to make a difficult decision. Their mission had been to rescue the children, and they couldn't have veered from that. That had meant leaving what happened to Ben, Jonathan, Lucas, and Kristin up to fate. Thank goodness that everything had worked out, but if it hadn't, he never could have lived with himself. He quickly pushed the thought out of his mind, however. There was no sense dwelling on it, right?

He desperately wanted to go see them, to be sure they were perfectly all right, but there wasn't time. The bridge needed him. Every time he thought about it, however, he found himself clenching his teeth in worry. He even got caught pacing the floor a few times. Of course, the others thought he was just concerned over the equipment repairs.

Katie placed a hand on his shoulder, giving it a squeeze. "It's going to be all right, Captain. In a few hours, everything will be the way it was before...maybe even better."

He offered her a weak smile. "Thanks for that, Commander. You're right."

She gave his arm a final pat before going back to the work at hand.

Nathan heaved a sigh. In reality, he'd known the four crew members who'd been on launch MR-7 were just fine. Dr. Levin had given him a full update on their health. Despite being a little cold and shaken up, they were perfectly all right...physically anyway. _"Nothing a few days off duty won't cure,"_ Joshua had said.

Still, Nathan needed to see it for himself. Unfortunately, since the repairs from Hurricane Sheila's wrath were taking longer than he'd anticipated, he couldn't get away from the bridge until much later. By then, the four of them were resting comfortably in their rooms. Nathan visited Jonathan and Ben first, knowing he wouldn't spend too much time with them. Certainly, he made sure they were all right, made a bit of small talk with them. But really, Lucas and Kristin were his main focus. After leaving Ben's room, he headed towards Lucas'.

Nathan knocked and waited for a response.

"It's open," Lucas called.

Nathan entered. Lucas was seated in front of his computer playing some sort of shooting game. "Hey, kiddo. How are you feeling?"

"I'm fine," Lucas replied, not bothering to turn away from his game.

"Aren't you supposed to be resting?" Nathan asked, trying to make conversation.

"I _am_ resting," Lucas countered, sounding somewhat annoyed. "Is that what you came here to tell me? That I should get some rest?"

"No, actually I came to see how you were..."

"Well, as you can see, I'm fine." Lucas continued to play his game, still making no attempt to make eye-contact with the captain.

"Yeah, you mentioned," Nathan muttered. "Mind if I sit?"

Lucas shrugged. "Sit."

Nathan waited for a few moments, hoping Lucas would say something, but he kept playing his game, eyes focused at the screen. Finally, Nathan said, "Mind if we talk?"

"Talk."

"It'd be nice if I had your full attention," Nathan hinted gently.

Lucas sighed and turned off the game. He spun around in his chair, his arms crossed, looking at the captain expectantly.

"Look, you have every right to be angry," Nathan started.

"I'm not angry," Lucas replied. "We knew what had to be done."

"Yes, we did. But sometimes, it's easier said than done. In the end, it all worked out…but it might not have. And I can't help but feel guilty about it. I feel like I owe _you_ an apology."

Lucas' brow furrowed. "Me?"

Nathan nodded. "Yeah, see there's one difference between you and the others on board that raft."

"Don't say it." Lucas shook his head. " _Don't_ say I'm a kid."

Nathan sighed. "You know I don't think of you like that. But you are a minor, which means I'm responsible for you. Perhaps having you on that launch was irresponsible of me."

Lucas shook his head. "I wouldn't have let you keep me here, and you know it. I wanted to help those kids just as much as everyone else did."

"Maybe so," Nathan agreed. "Still, the next mission, we're going to have to play it safe. I need to make sure nothing happens to you."

"But it _didn't_ ," Lucas insisted.

"No, but that's only by the grace of God. We might not be so lucky next time."

Lucas sighed. "So, what? I can't go on missions anymore because something _might_ happen? Does that really seem logical to you?"

"That's not what I'm saying at all. We'll just leave it up to Dr. Levin. The next mission, he decides what all of you can handle," Nathan explained.

"Oh, so the doc, Commander Ford, and Ben are all included in this?"

"That's right," Nathan said. "I want to be sure the four of you have plenty of time to rest."

Lucas thought for a moment. "I guess that's a good compromise, but I feel fine."

"Well, be that as it may, I think you need a rest. You've all just been through something pretty traumatic."

"I guess," Lucas muttered, looking at the floor.

"Is there something else you want to talk about?" Nathan pressed, noting the teenager's change in demeanor.

Lucas shrugged. "Not really. I _was_ resting…honest. I just needed something to take my mind off things."

"I understand. So, you're really all right?"

Lucas hesitated for a moment. "I…I was scared," he finally admitted. "It was the most frightening experience I've ever had in my life. I…I…I thought you'd forgotten about us." Lucas' voice trembled with emotion.

Nathan wrapped the young man in his arms. "Oh, no, kiddo. I could never forget about you. We just…we tried to get to you as fast as we could."

"I _was_ angry, too," the young man replied quietly. "But not at you…at _me_. I…I was angry at those kids after the storm had hit. I just kept thinking I'd wish you'd come get me instead. That was selfish. Then after we finally got rescued, I felt guilty for even thinking that way in the first place. It wasn't their fault what happened either."

"Oh, Lucas…it's okay. You don't need to feel guilty. You can't help what you were feeling in a stressful situation."

"Maybe..." He took a deep breath. "You know I _am_ glad you saved those kids. As much as I wanted to see you, I wouldn't have wanted them to die either."

Nathan gave him another tight hug. "I wouldn't have either, kiddo."

_-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_

Nathan spoke with Lucas for quite a while. In reality, Nathan needed it as much as Lucas did. Finally, though. he had to say goodnight, since he wanted to see Kristin before it got too late. "And if you need anything, you make sure you call me. I don't care if it's 0300 hours, got it?"

Lucas smiled. "I will, Captain. Goodnight."

"Goodnight, kiddo. Sweet dreams."

Nathan headed to his own quarters first. He wanted to bring Kristin a little something, although it probably wasn't needed anymore. Still, he knew it would bring a smile to her face. He glanced at the clock. It was after 2100 hours; he hoped she was still awake, considering the trying day they'd had. He debated whether or not he should try the intercom but decided against it. She might think he was paging her and that wasn't the case.

He headed to her door and knocked gently. "Just a moment," he heard her call. She didn't sound as though she'd been asleep, so that was promising. She opened the door a moment later. "Captain, hello," she said with a smile, though he noted the questioning tone as well.

"I…I'm sorry it's so late. You weren't asleep were you? I wanted to be sure you were all right."

She waved a hand, relaxing a bit. "I wasn't asleep." She stepped aside. "Please, come in."

He obliged. "Well, I brought you a little something." He handed her a sweatshirt, the warmest one he'd owned. "I know it's a few hours too late, but-"

Kristin was dressed in jeans and a sweater of her own, but she unzipped the sweatshirt Nathan had given her and slipped it on. "Oh, no…it's perfect," she gushed, even though it was a few sizes too big and hit her mid-thigh. "It's so warm."

Nathan gave her a smile. "I only wish I could have given it to you earlier. Keep it as long as you need."

"Thank you," she replied, hugging herself and snuggling in the warm fleece. "I've been a little chilly since coming out of the storm, so this is a lovely gesture."

"Does Dr. Levin know that?" Nathan asked, his voice suddenly laced with concern.

She chuckled softly. "He knows, and it's fine. He can't prevent the common cold, unfortunately. But it's probably just a case of the sniffles. It's nothing to worry about."

Nathan nodded. "Sorry…I'm just… I wanted to be sure."

"Of course."

"Uh, do you mind if I stayed for a bit? To talk?"

"That would be fine," Kristin said with a nod. She motioned to the small table and chairs. "Have a seat. Would you like some hot tea? I've only drank about five cups myself," she admitted.

Nathan waved a hand. "No, thank you. I don't need you waiting on me."

"It's no trouble. I'm going to have one myself. Please?"

"All right," Nathan finally agreed.

A few minutes later, Kristin placed a cup in front of him. "There you go." Then she sat across from him, sipping on her own cup. "So…"

Nathan took a sip. Kristin had sweetened it with just the right amount of honey; it tasted delicious. "So…uh, well, I wanted to be sure you were all right, physically _and_ mentally."

"Oh…I'm fine," she said again.

"That's exactly what Lucas had said," Nathan replied. "And come to find out, he wasn't exactly fine after all."

A brow rose. "You spoke with Lucas? What's wrong? Is he all right?"

"No, nothing's wrong," Nathan assured her. "No need to get excited. He was a little shaken, that's all."

She nodded, relief gracing her features. "Well, I think we're _all_ a little shaken, but the most important thing was saving the children."

"I…I had wanted to come after you, but-"

"Shh," Kristin whispered softly. "There's no need to apologize."

Nathan reached across the table and squeezed her hand. She was right; obviously, the children were the most important thing, but the decision had killed him.

"It all worked out in the end, didn't it?" she said with a smile.

"Yeah, of course it did. I just had to be sure you were okay."

"I'm fine," she assured him. "Really."

"Well, I'm going to tell you the same thing I told Lucas…and Ben and Jonathan as well. No missions until Levin agrees. I don't want any more accidents like this."

"As much as I understand that, it might not be preventable. It's not like we planned this."

"No, I know," Nathan said with a nod. "But I don't think I could handle a repeat of this."

She chuckled softly. "You and me both. But, everything will be fine. What's that old saying? Lightning doesn't strike twice?"

"No, but they didn't say anything about _hurricanes_ ," Nathan said with a small laugh. He drank down his tea. "Thank you again, but it is late, and I really should let you get your rest."

She smiled and walked him to the door. "Thank you again for the sweatshirt. Goodnight, Nathan."

"Sleep well, Kristin."

_-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_

Over the next few days, Nathan found himself quite busy since he and the crew were still working on the aftermath of Hurricane Sheila, getting the equipment repaired properly. By the end of the week, he finally had a bit of time to himself. He headed to his quarters. There was something he hadn't done in a while, and he felt the need to do so.

He put a photograph into his computer to generate a hologram. Suddenly, the enlarged image of the smiling face of Carol Bridger appeared.

"Hello, sweetheart," Nathan told her. "I know it's been a while, and I'm sorry. It's been a long week, but you probably knew that already. I just-"

At that moment, there was a gentle knock at his door. "It's open," he said, moving to shut the hologram off.

Kristin entered not a minute later. "Oh... I…I'm sorry. Am I…interrupting anything?"

"No…I was just…sometimes, I feel the need…" Nathan tried to find the words to explain. He didn't think, "Sometimes, I talk to my deceased wife like she's still here," was sufficient. Nor did it sound very sane. "I was just doing some reflecting," he finally said.

"I see," she replied quietly. "You know...you don't need to explain anything to me. I know what it's like. Sometimes, I speak to James like he was standing right in front of me. It's…comforting."

"It makes you feel like he never left?" he guessed knowingly.

"Exactly. Um, well…I wanted to bring your sweatshirt back. I had it washed." She handed over the neatly folded shirt.

"Thanks."

She gave him a nod. "It was no trouble. Um, well, I guess I'll leave you be then. Sorry to have bothered you." She started out the door when Nathan stopped her.

"Wait," Nathan said. "You…you don't have to leave. I mean…I was going to go see you later anyway. I haven't had much time for that lately."

She turned back to him. "Well, you've been quite busy, so it's understandable."

"How have you been?"

"I've been fine. I did catch a little cold, but it's much better," she assured him. "Dr. Levin says I can go back to work on Monday. Frankly, I'm itching to do so. I'm quite... Well, I've been bored."

Nathan chuckled softly. "You do have a hard time taking time for yourself, don't you?"

"A little," she admitted. "Oh, but Lucas has been a dear. He's been keeping me company. He's doing much better as well."

"Have you eaten dinner yet?" Nathan asked after a pause.

She shook her head.

"Want to grab a bite to eat?"

"As long as we pick Lucas up on the way," she told him.

"That sounds lovely. You go on ahead and I'll meet you?"

She nodded. "See you in a moment then."

Nathan waited until Kristin had closed the door. Then, he turned the hologram back on. "I don't know if you're the one responsible for making sure they were all right, but I feel the need to thank you. And if it's not too much trouble, can we keep it that way?" He paused for a moment. "I miss you so much." He shut the hologram off and stood there for a few moments, quietly reflecting. He then headed out the door to meet Kristin and Lucas.


	2. The Reasons We Strive To Exist

Monday morning, as promised, Dr. Levin allowed everyone to return back to work. Nathan, however, was a little leery about it. "You're sure they'll be all right?"

Joshua smiled. "Of course, Captain. They're fine...and they're ready. I don't think any of them would agree to any more bed rest. They're physically healthy, and it seems like their mental states are where they should be as well. I honestly have no reason to keep them from anything."

Nathan nodded and gave him a grateful pat on the shoulder. "Thanks, Joshua. I was just worrying needlessly."

"Well, there's no reason for it. Like I said, they're ready."

Nathan gave him a nod, and the two parted ways. But he really didn't feel much better. _They_ might have been ready to go back to work, but he wasn't sure if _he_ was ready. Sure, it was fine now, but what about when a new mission came up? What then? He sighed, feeling defeated. Logically, he knew he was being silly. The odds of having another accident of any kind were slim, certainly. But the worry was there, and he couldn't shake it.

He looked up to see the smiling faces of Lucas and Kristin enter medbay. He waved as he was about to approach them. Unfortunately, as if on cue, his PAL beeped.

"Bridger," Nathan answered.

"Captain?" It was Lieutenant O'Neill. "We have a distress call from a nearby submarine; the _Poseidon_. They're located about 200 miles just off the coast of California at the moment."

"I've never heard of it," Nathan replied thoughtfully. "UEO?"

"Not exactly, sir. It's an expedition team of scuba divers. Unfortunately, they all appear to be suffering from a case of the bends, their medical officer included. We're the nearest ship. They're asking us to rendezvous," Tim explained. "We should be able to get to them in the next hour or so."

"Tell them to stay where they are; we'll be there," Nathan replied before cutting the link.

"Well, well, our first day back and already, there's excitement," Kristin commented, since she'd overheard the conversation.

Nathan simply nodded. "Staff meeting in twenty minutes...and be sure to tell Joshua for me as well, hm?"

"Of course, Captain. See you then."

_-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_

A short time later, the senior staff was gathered around the ward room table. Nathan had just finished explaining the situation to everyone. "So, we'll get a team together to help them immediately. Of course, we'll need a med team." He looked toward Kristin and Joshua.

"I've taken the liberty of organizing a team before I even got here," Kristin told him.

"Good," Nathan said with a nod. "Commander Ford?"

"Yes, sir?" Jonathan sat up proudly, obviously expecting to be on the rescue team.

"I want you to take the bridge while I'm away," Nathan continued.

"Oh…" Jonathan couldn't mask his disappointment, but being the well-trained UEO submariner that he was, he quickly recovered. "Aye, sir," he replied as though it didn't bother him.

"Lieutenant O'Neill, Chief Ortiz? You two will be accompanying us as well," Nathan stated. Then, he looked toward Joshua and Kristin once again. "And our med team…"

"We've already got it under control," Kristin assured him.

"You've mentioned," Nathan said, "but I think I'd like Joshua with us this time around. You can handle things in medbay, can't you?"

Kristin's jaw fell open, almost at a loss of what to say at first. A few seconds later, she found her voice again. "W-what did you say?"

"Doctor, I think it's best if you stay here to establish a plan of action. Once those scuba divers get here, medbay is going to be swamped; I think your abilities would best be served preparing the staff for that," Nathan replied.

Kristin didn't like it, not one bit. She shot Nathan a glare. "Well, perhaps I could see you after the meeting to _discuss_ my plan of action then? It won't take long," she said icily.

Nathan gave her a nod. "I think that can be arranged, Doctor." He then turned to Lucas. "And you'll help the doctor with whatever she needs."

"Yes, Captain," he replied.

"The rest of you will carry on as normal. Any questions?" No one spoke, so Nathan dismissed them. Everyone filed out, save for Kristin.

Once everyone had left, she stood and shut the door. Then, she turned back to Nathan, still glaring, folding her arms over her chest. "What the _hell_ was that?"

"I take it you're not very pleased with my decision?"

"That's an understatement," she said dryly. "Why?"

"I already told you."

"Nathan, I am the chief medical officer. Therefore-"

"You don't think I know that?" Nathan spoke over her.

"Right now, I'm not sure. I'm not saying that Joshua isn't perfectly capable, but-"

"Yes, he is perfectly capable," he agreed. "It seems like your ego's a little bruised."

"My ego? _My ego_? This has _nothing_ to do with my ego! The point I'm trying to make is this: I'm the chief medical officer; I am the chief physician. Therefore, I should be the first one you call for medical emergencies such as this. Dr. Levin is my assistant…my _assistant_. _He_ should be the one staying behind!" Kristin shouted, the volume of her voice rising progressively with each word.

"You seem to be forgetting one thing," Nathan shouted back. " _I'm_ the captain. Therefore, when it comes to missions, _I'm_ the one who calls the shots. I have good reasons for making the decision I've made, and I'm staying with it. And last time I checked, I didn't need to justify it to you!"

"Oh, really, _Captain_? And you seem to be forgetting that as the chief medical officer, I can have you dismissed from duty if I feel you're not well enough."

"I'm as healthy as a horse, so good luck in trying…unless you're going to fake medical records," Nathan challenged.

Kristin turned her back to him, obviously at a loss of what to say next. She didn't like arguing with him, but she was itching to get back to work. This mission was the perfect opportunity, so why was Nathan stifling her? She was taking it to heart.

A few minutes later, Nathan sighed and placed a gentle hand on her shoulder. "Look, I promise it's nothing personal. I just really think you'd be better taking care of things here."

"So you're telling me this has nothing to do with what happened last week?" she asked quietly.

He opened his mouth to speak but closed it again before nodding. "My decision stands."

"But, Nathan, I-"

"I'm sorry, but I don't have time for this. I have work to do, and so do you. I suggest we get to it."

Kristin felt her anger rise once again. "You know, not only does the chief physician need to be sure that the captain is healthy enough for duty, but that also _includes_ mental health. I definitely think yours needs _r_ _eassessing_." She stormed off past him toward the door.

"That sounds like a challenge, Doctor," he called after her.

"No, my dear Captain, it's a promise!" she called back as she stomped off down the hall.

"Well, fine!" he shouted.

"Fine!" she called back.

"Fine!"

"Fine!" As she turned the corner, Kristin practically bumped into Ben, since she was in a huff.

"Sorry," he said, "Did I just hear shouting?"

"Oh, shut up, Mr. Krieg, and get to work!" With that, she headed back toward med bay, leaving a confused Ben in her wake.

_-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_

Once in med bay, Kristin set off to work, but it was apparent to all of those around her that something was bothering her. She was short with them, and she kept slamming things around.

Lucas had an inkling as to why she was upset. Though he hadn't witnessed the argument, he'd heard about it, and he'd seen the tension between the captain and the doctor firsthand during the staff meeting. It wasn't often the captain denied the doctor the privilege of helping on a mission, and he was just as shocked as she was. Of course, he never expected to be asked to attend this mission. It didn't seem necessary for a teenage science geek and computer genius to be there, obviously. However, he did know he was supposed to help the doctor with anything she needed. The only problem was he wasn't sure what to do exactly. She was standing in front of the supply cabinet at the moment, her arms laden with test tubes, beakers, and the like. He approached her gently.

"Uh, Doc?"

"What is it, Lucas? As you can see, I'm a little busy."

He could tell she was trying not to sound annoyed, but she was having a difficult time keeping herself in check. "Why don't you let me help you?" Lucas took some of the things out of her hands without waiting for an answer. "Where do you want these?"

"Can you bring them into the first examination room, please?" she said, this time sounding gentler.

"Sure thing." He headed in that direction while Kristin followed him.

"Just set them on that table there." She craned her neck towards the far table in the corner.

He arranged the supplies in a neat pile. "Okay, what's next?"

"Lucas, I'm sorry. I…I'm not upset with you," Kristin told him.

"I know, Doc. It's okay."

Kristin shook her head. "No, it isn't. I was terribly rude to you back there. In fact, I've been rude to just about everyone here. It's unacceptable."

"Forget it," the young man said with a shrug. "I already have."

Kristin continued to lay out the supplies that would be needed but didn't speak.

"It's only because he's worried. He doesn't want to say it, but that's why," Lucas finally said.

Kristin nodded knowingly. "But the most infuriating thing is that he _won't_ say it. Maybe _that's_ part of why I'm so angry. The other part is because I'm afraid we're destined to be grounded to this boat the rest of the tour. I don't particularly like the thought of that."

"You and me both," Lucas said with a grin. "He needs to be shown that nothing's going to happen, but how can we show him that if he's not going to give us a chance?"

The doctor suddenly wore a curious smile on her face.

"That smile tells me you have an idea," Lucas said.

"Something like that," she replied. "But it's going to have to wait until after we handle this little matter."

Lucas gave her a questioning look.

She patted his shoulder. "You'll find out in due time, Mr. Wolenczak; you'll find out in due time."

_-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_

Hours later, the little matter had been handled, and all the scuba divers were resting as comfortably as they could, considering the pain they were in. However, they were being monitored, and both Kristin and Joshua believed they'd all make a full recovery. They didn't feel they were in danger of having any casualties, which was a relief.

By evening, Kristin felt confident enough to take a break. Besides, she was starving; because of her earlier sour mood, she'd skipped breakfast. And she was so busy during lunch, she'd skipped that, too. She turned to Lucas. "What do you say we go get something to eat, hm? I definitely think you've earned it." She placed an arm around his shoulders, and the two headed out the door, only to be stopped by Nathan.

"Glad to see you're feeling better," Nathan noted by the smile on her face. "Uh, could we talk…privately?" He looked at Lucas. "It will only take a minute."

"Right," Lucas said with a nod. "Uh, I'll save you a seat, Doc." He quickly headed off towards the mess, leaving the captain and the doctor alone.

"So, Captain, what can I do for you?" Kristin asked, crossing her arms over her chest, but her tone was calm.

"I just wanted to congratulate you on a successful mission," Nathan said. "And…I, uh…wanted to apologize for earlier."

A brow rose. "Oh? I see," she replied quietly.

"I think we both said some things we didn't exactly mean..."

"Well, you might have, but I meant what I said," she replied.

His brow furrowed. "What?"

"Yes, the mission did turn out well, and yes, Joshua handled it. But if you think I am going to sit idly by and be grounded to this submarine every time there's a mission, you have another thing coming."

"What makes you think I would do such a thing?" he asked, crossing his arms.

She shrugged. "I'm not sure, but something tells me you're still worried about what happened during Hurricane Sheila. I know you'll never admit it, though. However, I do have something that will ease your mind. Then maybe things can get back to normal around here."

Nathan raised an eyebrow. "What makes you so sure you know what I'm thinking?"

She simply chuckled. "Why don't you join Lucas and me for dinner, and I'll explain my plan to you?" She headed off down the hall, not bothering to check if he was going to follow her or not.

Nathan stood there for a moment, somewhat dumbfounded. A second later, he came to his senses and hurried off after her. "Wait for me."

Once in the mess hall, Kristin was happy to see Lucas, Jonathan, Ben, Katie and Tim sitting around a table. As promised, Lucas had saved a seat for her right next to him. He waved them over when he saw them.

"I'll go get us something," Nathan said, getting in line.

Kristin gave a nod as sat down. "Good evening, everyone," she said cheerily.

The others returned the sentiments, save for Ben, who gave her a questioning look. She simply chuckled and sat between Lucas and him. "By the way, I wanted to apologize for my outburst before, Ben. It was uncalled for."

Ben waved a hand. "Uh, it was no problem." He wiped his mouth with a napkin and stood to leave. "Well, you enjoy your dinner. Excuse me."

"Wait," Kristin said, placing a hand on his arm. "I actually have something I need you to hear." She turned to Jonathan. "You, too, Commander."

By this time, Nathan had returned. He placed a tray in front of Kristin and sat across from her with his own. "So, what's this idea you have?"

"Well, we are heading north, are we not?" she asked.

"Yes…I suppose," Nathan replied. "But-"

"A friend of mine from my research university, Dr. Jeffrey Talbot, happens to be in Alaska at the moment studying North Pacific Right Whales. You know, they are endangered, and he's been _begging_ me to join him for months. He's working with his team to try and preserve the species, helping them breed and whatnot. Well, I never had the time…but it seems I've just had an opening in my schedule. I also thought it would be a rewarding experience for Lucas. And to be sure you won't worry, I thought Commander Ford and Lieutenant Krieg could accompany us. Of course, it won't be for a few days, since we'll need to wait until the scuba divers are returned back to the mainland safe and sound. However, I was hoping I could tell him we'd be there by the end of the week?" She gave Nathan a pleading look.

"Well, I'm not sure Commander Ford and Lieutenant Krieg would be very interested-"

"That sounds like a marvelous idea," Ben said with a nod.

"You…you do?" Nathan asked, frowning.

Jonathan nodded. "I'm in."

"Very cool," Lucas added.

"Then, it's settled," Kristin said with a smile. "I'll give Jeffrey a call as soon as I'm finished. I'm sure-"

"Wait a minute, wait a minute," Nathan interrupted. "How long will you be gone?"

Kristin shrugged. "Well, you did say Joshua is quite capable of handling things, didn't you? Of course, we'll only be gone a couple of days, so you don't need to worry. I'd love to stay longer, but I don't want you going into cardiac arrest," she teased gently.

"Please, Cap?" Lucas begged. "Like the doc said, it'd be such a _rewarding_ experience."

After some thought, Nathan nodded. "Very well. But two days _only_."

There was a chorus of cheers from the group. After that, their meal was accompanied by excited talk about the miniature expedition. Meals were soon finished, and the members started to disperse, some going back to work while others retired to their rooms.

_-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_

After a while, the only two left were Kristin and Nathan.

"You know, that was very devious of you, using my words against me," Nathan finally told her.

She batted her eyelashes at him. "I have no idea what you mean."

"Yes, you do," he replied with a sigh. "I know you better than you think."

She patted his hand gently. "You have nothing to worry about. I doubt the whales are carrying weapons," she said with a light laugh. "And the beauty of it is that once you see nothing will happen, you won't be paranoid about letting us go on missions anymore."

"I am _not_ paranoid."

She chuckled and patted his arm gently. "Whatever you say. Goodnight, Captain."

"Goodnight," he called back to her, not wanting to admit the fact he _was_ worried. He only hoped it was unwarranted.


	3. We Feign Control

**_seaQuest_ **

The next few days were uneventful. The scuba divers made a full recovery and were transported back to the mainland on launches by the end of the week. That meant the little expedition was about to get under way, but Nathan was having second thoughts. The group was still packing, so Nathan headed to Kristin's room and knocked.

"It's open," she replied.

Nathan entered to find she had clothing strewn out all over her bed and an open suitcase half-filled on her table. "Very organized, as usual, I see," he said good-naturedly.

She laughed softly. "Yes, well, Alaska's a little chilly this time of year, so I'm trying to decide what to bring."

"It looks like you have enough clothing there for a week," Nathan pointed out.

"Perhaps, but I'd rather bring extra than not enough. Have you checked on Lucas, by chance? I want to make sure he brings enough warm clothing as well. It's not like we're spending two days in Pearl Harbor. I just hope he realizes it's much colder in Alaska," she said as she continued to pack.

"I'm sure he does," Nathan said with a nod. "So, you're still adamant about going?"

She stopped what she was doing and turned to him, her brow raised. "Of course; why wouldn't I be?"

Nathan shrugged. "I don't know. I guess part of me hoped this was just a little ploy to get back at me. I didn't think you'd actually go through with it."

Kristin rolled her eyes and let out a groan. "Are you _still_ worried about all this? Well, you have another thing coming because if you think-"

Nathan held up his hands in surrender. "Kristin, no need to get excited. I'm not planning on telling you 'no', if that's what you think."

She softened. "Good. Well, I hate to burst your bubble, but no, it wasn't a ploy. As I said, this will be an educational experience for Lucas, and Jeffrey's been begging me for months. And-"

"And Commander Ford and Lieutenant Krieg were just _begging_ you to go, too, hm?" Nathan finished for her.

"Not exactly, but...you know why I've asked them to go. I realize their enthusiasm may not be genuine, but I figured it was the only way to ease your worries." She went back to packing, stealing glances at him every so often.

"Commander Ford, yes," Nathan agreed. "But _Ben_? Well, in a crisis, he is quite valuable, I suppose."

"There __won't__ be any sort of crisis whatsoever," Kristin said. "You're such a worrywart."

Nathan ignored her comment. "As soon as your launch arrives in Alaska, I expect a phone call. I know it'll be late, but I'll be awake. And I'd also like one tomorrow sometime and Sunday as well, and-"

"Whatever you say, Father."

Nathan blushed slightly. "It's just that-"

She waved a hand. "Oh, don't apologize. I think it's sweet." She placed a hand on his arm. "You're so __cute__ when you're paranoid."

He stood, crossing his arms over his chest. "I am _not_ paranoid. I just want to make sure you arrive safely. Is that such a crime?"

"All right, you win. No, it certainly isn't a crime. In fact, I appreciate your concern. We _will_ check in periodically, I promise you. Any more rules you want me to follow? No boys allowed? Don't stay out past ten?" she teased. She zipped her suitcase and turned back to him.

"Just...come back in one piece...all of you," he said sincerely. "I'm not trying to be a tyrant with a score of rules. It's just..."

She placed a gentle hand on his cheek. "I know...and I promise."

_-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_

One hour later, Commander Ford, Lieutenant Krieg, Kristin, and Lucas were in the launchbay saying their final goodbyes before leaving for their miniature expedition.

Nathan gave Lucas a tight hug. "You be sure to listen to the doctor…and you and Ben stay out of trouble."

Lucas rolled his eyes. "How much trouble can we get into on a whale expedition?"

"Oh, believe me, I'm sure you two will find some. Just refrain, _please_." Nathan cast a glance towards Ben so he was sure he heard his warning as well.

"Trust me, Captain, I don't plan on messing this up," Ben said, "not if it's going to make you stop worrying."

"I am __not__ worried," Nathan insisted. "I just want to be sure you four are okay after your trauma. I thought you needed a break, that's all."

Lucas and Ben exchanged a glance. "Whatever you say," they said in unison.

"Look, are we going to stand around chatting all night, or are you going to let us leave anytime soon?" Kristin asked.  "Jeffrey's expecting us."

Nathan sighed. "Sorry." He turned to Commander Ford. "Just make sure-"

"Captain, I'll look out for them. Nothing to worry about."

Nathan nodded. "Right. Thank you." He watched as Lucas, Ben, and Jonathan boarded the launch while Kristin lagged behind.

"Well, this is it," she told him. "Are you still worried?"

"Well, I'm not exactly _thrilled_ to see you go, but, no, I am _not_ worried."

She smiled. "Of course. Well, I'll see you in two days then." She turned to head into the launch when Nathan placed a halting hand on her arm.

She turned back to him. "Yes?"

Nathan hesitated for a moment. He wanted to wrap his arms around her, hold her for just a moment, but he felt it too forward and opted not to do so. "Just...take care of yourself."

"Thank you; I will. See you soon." She then turned and disappeared into the launch.

"See you soon," he whispered back, knowing he still _was_ worried, only he wasn't exactly sure why. He shook his head. _You're just being paranoid,_ he told himself. Kristin had called him out on it, and it really was true, even if he refused to say it. He made a vow to finally admit it to her when she called and headed back to his quarters.

_-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_

****Seward, Kenai Peninsula, Alaska** **

It was well after 2200 hours by the time the small launch reached the shores of the Kenai Peninsula.

Commander Ford opened the launch door and looked outside and found two men standing nearby on the shore with a dogsled. He turned to Kristin. "Are those your friends, Doctor?"

Kristin stopped struggling with her suitcase, setting it down, and saw the two men approaching to help them. "Yes," she replied, waving to them.

"I see you've made it safe and sound," Jeffrey said when he reached the launch. He held out his hand to Jonathan. "Dr. Jeffrey Talbot…and this is my son, Adam." He motioned towards the younger man next to him. "If you can pass us your luggage, we'll load it onto the sled here."

"Commander Jonathan Ford," Jonathan replied, motioning to Ben and Lucas. "That's Lieutenant Benjamin Krieg, and Lucas Wolenczak."

"Well, it's nice to meet all of you," Jeffrey said as he and Adam helped them load their luggage onto the sled. "Our camp is just down the shore a bit. Does anyone have a problem with walking?"

"I don't think so," Kristin replied, glancing to the others, who shook their heads.

"Great," Jeffrey replied. "If anyone needs to stop and rest, though, just say the word."

They set off, and a short time later, they arrived at a cozy little cabin. Once the door was opened, they were greeted by a waft of heat.

"I made sure the others had a hot fire going," Jeffrey said. "I know you're not used to the cold." He motioned to the stove. "And I thought you might be hungry, so we have hot chicken soup and hot chocolate to warm the insides."

"Awesome," Lucas gushed, gratefully taking a cup of soup. "I can't remember the last time I'd seen snow. Thank you."

"Yes, indeed, thank you. This is wonderful," Kristin said. "And it's definitely taking the chill out of the bones."

"I thought after you ate, we'd round up the rest of my crew and head out," Jeffrey suggested.

"At night?" Lucas asked between sips.

"Sure, why not?" Adam asked. "You didn't want to wait until tomorrow, did you? The pods are just as active at night as they are during the day. In fact, we've been tracking a nearby pod with our sonar. Want to see?"

"Sure," Lucas replied, sharing Adam's enthusiasm.

The two young men headed into a nearby room where all sorts of computers and tracking equipment were.

"Well, they seem to be hitting it off," Jeffrey said.

"Well, Lucas doesn't see a lot of people his age, so I'm glad Adam's taken to him," Kristin replied as she sipped her hot chocolate. "I hope you don't mind me being so bold, but could I use your vid-phone before anything? I need to let Captain Bridger know we've arrived safely."

"Ah, of course. Right through there," Jeffrey said, pointing towards a small room in the far corner.

_-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_

_**seaQuest** _

Nathan had been trying to read one of his favorite books, but he couldn't get past the first page. He'd read it over about fifty times while he was checking the clock, anticipating the moment when Tim would let him know there was a call. When it finally happened, Nathan nearly jumped.

"Bridger," he said, trying to sound casual.

"Link two, Captain," Tim said, the smile evident in his tone. "I think you know who it is."

"Thank you, Mr. O'Neill." he replied, hitting the view button and hearing the soft, melodic laughter coming from the other end.

"Were you waiting by the phone all night?" Kristin asked.

"Actually, no." He held up the book in his hand. "I was just reading."

"Ah, the poetry of William Butler Yeats. _Sailing to Byzantium_ is one of my favorite poems," she said. "The metaphorical quest of man pursuing his own vision of eternal life and his own concept of paradise; it's so beautiful."

"It's one of my favorites, too," Nathan said. "And, yes, the meaning is beautiful, but maybe we can speak about this another time? You all arrived safely, I assume?"

She nodded. "Yes, Mr. Worrywart. Lucas is currently checking out the sonar tracking readouts of one of the whale pods with Jeffrey's son. Adam is a year or two older than Lucas is, so he's in good hands. Ben and Jonathan are in the kitchen with Jeffrey eating a hot meal, and as soon as I'm finished with you, we're going out to study one of the pods. So, see? There is nothing to worry about. Everything's fine. Oh, and I promise we'll be in bed by midnight and won't throw any parties while we're away, _Father_. "

He laughed. "Okay, okay, I get it. Maybe I _was_ over-reacting a bit. All kidding aside, I'm glad you've all gotten there safely, and I'm almost sorry I'll be missing out on seeing the whales myself."

"Well, I promise to tell you all about it when we get back. And I'm sure we can arrange a trip for the near future you'll be able to make as well," she told him.

"That sounds like a plan. I guess I should let you go. You will call tomorrow?"

"Of course. I wouldn't want to worry you."

"I am __not__ worried...well, not as much as I was anyway. It's just that it's my job to make sure my crew is safe, even when they're on missions...and, technically, this is a science mission."

"When all is said and done, I won't say I told you so."

"Very confident in yourself, aren't you?" he teased.

"Of course," she replied with a Cheshire cat grin. "Um, did you want to speak with the others?"

Nathan shook his head. "No, no reason to interrupt them. I won't keep you any longer. You'll call in the morning, though?"

She laughed. "I already said I would...but you're not worried at all."

"Yeah, sorry," he said sheepishly. "Go have fun."

"Sleep well, Nathan."

"You, too."

He waited for her to cut the link when instead, she said, _"Once out of nature I shall never take; my bodily form from any natural thing; but such a form as Grecian goldsmiths make; of hammered gold and gold enameling; to keep a drowsy Emperor awake; or set upon a golden bough to sing; to lords and ladies of Byzantium; of what is past, or passing, or to come."_

Nathan smiled. "You know it by heart."

"I told you it was my favorite," she replied with a shrug.

"How about when you get back, we have a long discussion about that poem?" he said.

"I'd like that very much. Goodnight."

Once the screen had gone dark, Nathan sighed, this time feeling a little better. Kristin had been right after all, and he knew it was just silly paranoia. Feeling he could now focus on his book, he reopened it and began to read aloud, _"That is no country for old men…"_

_-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_

As Kristin headed back out into the kitchen, she heard laughter and then Jonathan saying, "And then the doctor turned to Ben and said, 'yes, Mr. Krieg, fish poop,'" causing roars of laughter from the others.

Through his own giggles, Lucas added, "And Ben, here, also gave some of that glowing fish poop to a UEO general," resulting in yet another chorus of laughter.

"Ah, sharing some of our antics, I see," Kristin said, noticing several unfamiliar faces sitting around the table.

"Well, it seemed like a good ice breaker," Ben said. "And you know me; I never fail to disappoint."

Still chuckling, Jeffrey stepped forward. "Oh, but don't think he left you out," he told Kristin. "You never told me you met a ghost."

"Because it was nitrogen narcosis," she replied, giving Ben, Jonathan, and Lucas a glare. "Um, really, do we need to share _every_ little detail with them?"

"Sorry," they muttered.

"Oh, don't be too hard on them," Jeffrey said. "We've been sharing our own stories as well, and we've all had our share of embarrassing moments. Actually, now that you're finally here, let me introduce you to the others, and then we'll head out on the boat." He motioned to each person as he spoke, "This is Alison, Jenny, Jordan, Zachary, Eddie, Aaron, and Kyla. Everyone, this is Dr. Westphalen."

"Nice to meet you," Kyla said while the others echoed her sentiments.

"Hello," she said, trying to make a mental note of all their names.

Alison stood up and grabbed her hand as they headed out to the boat. "You look a little overwhelmed, but don't be. If you can't remember a name, just ask, but I promise they're easier to learn when we're on the boat."

Kristin nodded. "Thank you."

_-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_

Once everyone had boarded the boat, it sped off. Lucas and Adam watched the sonar, and it wasn't long before they found a small pod of whales.

"They're feeding," Adam explained. "But we should be able to catch a good glimpse of them."

Kristin watched in awe as Jeffrey's crew used carefully positioned spotlights and binoculars with precision, and suddenly, one of them _-Was it Kyla?-_ pointed to a large mass in the water not too far from the boat.

"Take a look," she called, pointing.

Everyone moved towards her to see, and there were several gasps and cheers.

"Tomorrow, we'll be able to get a closer look," Alison told them.

The group watched the whales for a few hours as Jeffrey's crew gave them several facts about the whales and the pods they'd been studying.

Finally, however, Jeffrey said, "As much as I'd love to watch them all night, I think it's time to pack up. We all need our rest."

As Jeffrey's crew started to pack away equipment and prepare for departure back to shore, Kristin scanned the group in search of Jonathan when she finally spotted him on the other side of the deck, watching the waves as they moved along the water. She carefully approached him so as not to startle him. "Here you are...so quiet," she said. "What did you think of all that, Commander?"

"Actually, it was quite fascinating," he replied.

A brow rose in surprise. "Really? You're not just saying that?"

"Why would I?"

"Oh, come now, Jonathan. I know you don't particularly _want_ to be here. The only reason you are is because you don't want to be stuck on _seaQuest_ while the others are out on missions. You know as well as I that you didn't like staying on the boat while the others went to rescue the scuba divers."

"It doesn't matter what I like. I follow the captain's orders, regardless of how I feel."

She rolled her eyes. "You're not on duty, Commander, so you don't need to act like it...not with me, at least. I know you hated it, because I did, too. This is your way of convincing the captain he doesn't need to worry about sending you on future missions...the only reason you agreed to come here," she pointed out. "It won't hurt my feelings if you tell the truth."

After a pause, he sighed and said, "All right. To be perfectly honest, no, I didn't want to come here. Not because I don't like what you do, but...sometimes, I don't understand _why_ you get so excited about certain things...like algae or microscopic organisms." He shrugged. "But after actually spending some time here, it's not so bad, and seeing these animals up close, knowing that their numbers are dwindling...seeing how majestic they truly are. So, I really  _don't_ regret coming here...and I'm not just saying that."

"That means a lot to hear you say that," she said with a gentle smile. "I'm glad that, although this isn't exactly what you'd call a good time, you're making the most of it."

"I know you and I always butted heads in the past, but now, I'm starting to understand your quest for science. I know I've always felt the brass had to have been a little crazy when they brought civilians on board, but I've since changed my tune...and I really couldn't imagine it any other way. The science team is an integral part of _seaQuest,_ and I'm glad you're a part of it."

"Oh, Commander…that…that's very sweet of you to say. You know my feelings on the military, but I've since changed my tune as well...and I couldn't imagine the boat without you."

"Thanks, Doc…but maybe we could just keep that between us? I'm not sure the others would understand exactly..."

She laughed softly. "Don't worry, Commander. I wouldn't want to taint your clean-cut UEO image…even if my science team outnumbers yours." Her tone was light, however.

Jonathan smiled. "You're never going to let me forget that, are you?"

She placed her arm around his shoulders. "Not a chance, Jonathan, not a chance."

 

 


	4. Though We're Bound To Learn

 

 

 

**Seward, Kenai Peninsula, Alaska**

The smell of coffee, eggs, and bacon pulled Kristin from her sleep. As she sat up, she could hear some of the others already bustling around the kitchen, although she could tell they were trying to be quiet. She quickly got dressed and ran a brush through her hair before walking out to met them.

"Morning, sleepyhead," Jeffrey greeted her.

Kristin saw that everyone else was up and about…even Lucas. She blushed slightly, realizing she was the last to get out of bed. "Why didn't you wake me? I hope I didn't put us behind schedule."

Adam smiled at her. "There is no schedule here."

Jeffrey placed a plate of scrambled eggs, bacon, and toast and a cup of coffee in front of it on the table. "Go on," he told her. "Everyone else has already eaten."

Kristin hesitated at first, still feeling a little embarrassed that she'd slept so late, since she was usually up early. However, her stomach voiced its own protests, so she finally obliged. "Thank you. This is absolutely wonderful. I'm not used to being waited on."

He smiled and sat across from her, a cup of coffee in his hand. "Well, get used it to it now, because there will be none of that on the boat," he teased. "I'm glad you like it, though. After you're finished, I figured we'd head out?"

Kristin nodded. "Yes, um, after I make a call. I'll be quick."

Jeffrey nodded. "Of course. You need to check in with the captain again? Is he always this...over-protective?"

"He's just worried about something bad happening to us. Since the hurricane, he's been a little paranoid," Lucas said from where he was sitting on the sofa.

"The hurricane?" Alison repeated.

"We had a slight accident during a rescue mission," Kristin explained.

Lucas nodded. "And we wound up smack dab in the middle of Hurricane Sheila."

"Wow!" Adam said. "And you lived through it?"

"We're sitting right here, aren't we?" Ben said. "It takes more than a little hurricane to take us down."

"But it was touch and go for a while," Jonathan added.

Kristin shrugged. "Well, naturally, the captain is a little leery of our well-being. Even though it was over a month ago, and we've all mended well... He thinks we're a bunch of china dolls, you see. I told him there's nothing to worry about, but... He keeps saying it's his responsibility to ensure nothing happens to us. In short, he _is_ worried, so I promised I'd check in with him to assure him that we're just fine."

Eddie walked to the table and had a seat. "Well, we've had our share of accidents here, too. A few weeks ago, we got caught in a storm while we were out. Blew the boat around pretty good; everyone had a few minor bumps and bruises, but the boat's the one that really got hurt. Took us a few days to fix all the damage."

The rest of Jeffrey's crew members nodded their heads in agreement.

"Oh, dear," Kristin muttered. "Well, I won't mention _that_ to the captain. I want to ease his mind, not send him into hysterics."

Jeffrey patted her shoulder gently. "Don't worry; the weather reports all say this weekend will be perfectly clear. Not a cloud around for miles."

Kristin quickly finished her breakfast and drank down her coffee. "Well, that's good to know." She looked at Lucas, Ben, and Jonathan. "Any one of you want to make a call with me?"

Lucas stood. "I will. I want to tell him about last night."

Kristin smiled and put her arm around Lucas' shoulders. "I'm sure he'll love to hear that."

_-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_

**_seaQuest_ **

Nathan was in his quarters, eagerly waiting for Kristin's call before heading to the bridge. The only problem was she was late. Well, they never actually discussed a _time_ to call. However, he knew Kristin was an early riser. Therefore, he had already expected she'd have called by now. If she were on the _seaQuest_ , she'd already have been on duty for an hour.

Nathan looked at the clock for about the hundredth time. It was nearly 0800 hours. Why hadn't she called yet? He began pacing. Certainly, he knew he was probably being irrational. Technically, this was a bit of shore leave for Ben, Jonathan, Lucas, and her.

_Perhaps she slept in,_ he finally thought. He nodded. That made sense, and she was obviously entitled to do so. That had to be it.

_Or..._

"Or what?" he said out loud.

_Or something bad has happened, and that's why no one has called yet._

His heart sank. What if that was it? What if her doctor friend's boat capsized, leaving them all stranded? What if-

The sound of the intercom beeped. "Bridger."

"Captain?" Tim O'Neill said. "You've a call on a a secure link one from Dr. Westphalen and Lucas."

Nathan breathed a sigh of relief. "Thank you, Mr. O'Neill. Put it through." He felt somewhat silly for his thoughts just moments before, but his worries dissolved when he saw that Kristin and Lucas looked perfectly fine. "Good morning."

"Good morning," Lucas replied. "As you can see, we're alive and well, so you can stop worrying. We would have called earlier, but Sleeping Beauty here just woke up not too long ago."

"I was _not_ worried," Nathan countered. "I was actually on my way to the bridge. I'd actually forgotten you were supposed to call."

Lucas rolled his eyes. "Whatever you say."

"So, how was the whale watch?"

"Oh, it was so cool," the teen replied. "We got to watch the pod feeding for hours. Even Commander Ford had fun."

A brow rose. "Did he now?"

"Yep. As soon as we're finished with you, we're going out again. I can't _wait_ to see them during the day. Adam told me about one of the whales they've been watching that's ready to calve. It might even happen today. I really hope so."

"Adam?" Nathan asked.

"Jeffrey's son," he replied. "He's been showing me the ropes.

"Hey, Lucas, are you about finished? I could really use your help with some of this equipment," a young man's voice called from the other room.

"I'll be right there," Lucas called back. "Sorry...um, is it all right if I go?"

Nathan smiled. "Of course, kiddo. Go, have fun. You can tell me all about it when you get back tomorrow."

"Okay," he said with a grin. "Tell Darwin I miss him though."

"I will," he said as he watched Lucas leave the view of the screen. He then turned to Kristin. "So you're enjoying your time off as well, apparently?"

Her cheeks pinked. "You know I don't normally sleep late. I guess I just needed it. Sorry. You've probably been wondering when we'd call."

"I'd already told you I wasn't worried."

She gave him a look.

He sighed. "Fine, the thought _did_ cross my mind, but I wasn't worried."

"Good, because there's nothing to worry about. As you can see, we're fine."

Nathan nodded. "Lucas certainly looks like he's having fun. And even Jonathan?"

Kristin laughed. "Don't worry; I won't be stealing him away from you. But I think as long as he's here, he's making the most of it. Oh...but that's our little secret."

He nodded. "My lips are sealed."

"You really need to make a point to come here soon, though," she told him. "It's just... I really can't describe it in words. It's just amazing."

"I would love to. We'll have to plan some shore leave together."

"We'll compare schedules when I get back," she said with a nod. "So is everything all right on your end?"

"Same old, same old. Nothing out of the ordinary. We're patrolling the waters, but nothing terribly exciting. You're not missing anything."

"Are you almost ready, Doc?" Lucas called from the other room.

"Almost," she said. "It seems I'm being paged. Um, how about I call you when we get back? It might be late, though."

"That's fine. Go on, have fun. Don't worry about us."

"Talk to you later then. Have a good day," she said before cutting the link.

"Obviously I was worried for nothing. I really need to stop that." He then headed to the bridge, ready for an ordinary, uneventful day.

_-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_

**Seward, Kenai Peninsula, Alaska**

Everyone filed out of the cabin and stood on the shore, ready to board the boat when Jeffrey stood in front of the group.

"I thought we'd do something a little different today," he said. "Since we have guests with us, we have more hands on deck, so I thought we could split up into two groups. This way, we can cover more ground and get a bit more work done. So, Adam, our friends from _seaQuest,_ and I will be on my boat, the _Serenity_. The rest of you can go on the _Serendipity_. We'll keep in contact via the radio. Any questions?"

The group members shook their heads.

"Great," Jeffrey said with a clap of his hands. "Let's go, people."

_-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_

_**Serenity** _

Lucas scanned the waters as the boat moved. "So, how long before you think we'll see any of them?" he asked Adam.

Adam shrugged. "I'm not sure. Our sonar actually hasn't picked up any of our whales yet."

"Your whales?" Ben questioned.

"I think he means the ones they've tagged," Kristin explained.

"That's right," Adam said with a nod. "Alone, our team has tagged around a hundred whales. I know that doesn't seem like a lot, but it really is. Seeing them is rare because they are endangered. Since we've started tagging them and studying them, learning their habits, we've gotten to know certain whales. I can recognize some of them just by their markings."

"Why are they so endangered?" Jonathan asked.

"When whaling was still legal, they were the most targeted because of their slow speed, and when killed, they float on the surface. Since whaling has been outlawed, they've been victims of the trade industry, dying due to ship collisions and loss of habitat," Adam replied. "The World Wildlife Foundation thinks they'll be completely extinct within the next couple hundred years, but we intend to change that."

"Wow," Lucas said. "I had no idea."

"Don't worry," Adam said, placing a hand on his arm. "We're not the only team around that does this. There are groups all over the world doing to same thing. Why don't we go inside and look at the radar again...see if we can find any nearby whales?"

Inside the cabin, Jeffrey pointed to some green dots on the radar. "If we're right about Serena being ready to give birth, we think we know where she might be, along with a few of her friends."

"Who's Serena again?" Ben asked.

"That's what Adam named our expectant whale mother," Jeffrey replied. "He likes to name all the whales."

"If we do have a calf today, maybe you guys would like to help name it?" Adam said.

"Cool," Lucas said with a smile.

"Is there anything we can do while we're waiting, Jeffrey?" Kristin asked.

"If you'd like, you can radio the others." He nodded his head towards the radio. "Set the frequency to channel eight. Tell them we're heading out into the Gulf of Alaska to check on Serena. They'll know what you mean."

Kristin nodded and did so. When she was finished, she asked, "Will the rest of the team meet us there?"

Jeffrey shook his head. "No, we won't see them until tonight. They're going to be working along the bay, but splitting up is how we get more work done."

_-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_

Unfortunately, the green dots disappeared off the radar. Hours passed, and they still hadn't found any whales.

Kristin noticed the others looked rather dejected. Seeing the small pod last night gave everyone hope they'd see more whales today, including her. Still, since it was nearly lunchtime, she thought she could at least do something, so she headed to the galley, and a short time later, she came out with a plate full of sandwiches. "I thought you might like something to eat," she said, placing the plate down on the table.

No one attempted to eat, however.

"Don't all jump in at once," she said flatly. "Look, I know this isn't going like we thought, but-"

"I got something!" Adam shouted, cutting her off, and everyone rushed to stand behind him, the sandwiches forgotten.

Jeffrey patted him on the back. "Great job, son."

"Do you think it's Serena?" Adam asked hopefully.

"There's only one way to find out," Jeffrey replied. "But why don't we set the autopilot and eat first, since Kristin took the time to make us a wonderful lunch?"

"Oh, yeah, sorry," Adam said to Kristin. He pushed a few buttons on the boat console and then moved to get a sandwich. "I didn't mean to ignore you before. Thanks so much for the sandwiches, Doc."

She smiled. "It was no trouble, really."

"Thanks, Doc," the others echoed and took sandwiches for themselves. Then Jeffrey took over the helm. If it was indeed Serena, she would be in shallower water, so the plan was to move towards Glacier Bay: exactly where the green dots on the radar appeared to be going as well.

Adam and Lucas decided to go back up to the deck as they neared the bay.

"Over there!" Lucas shouted.

"It's hard to tell, but I think I'm pretty sure it's Serena, Dad!" Adam added.

The other four went to join the boys, and it wasn't long before they confirmed it was indeed Serena and her pod. Jeffrey dropped the anchor several hundred feet away from the pod.

"Why are we stopping?" Lucas asked. "Can't we get closer?"

Jeffrey shook his head. "This is one time we need to take a step back and just watch." He walked over to a wooden box on the far side of the deck and pulled out a strange-looking contraption. "That's why we depend on Gizmo...our underwater camera. We can watch what's going on via the monitor." He handed Lucas a tablet device. "This will show us everything...and the others will be able to see it later as well."

While Adam and Jeffrey worked to lower the camera into the water, Kristin tried to see what was going on with the whales. It was difficult to see, since the rest of the pod seemed to huddle around one whale in the center. Once in a while, she caught wind of a strange sound...almost like moaning. "Jeffrey," she finally said. "I think there might be a problem."

"A problem?" Lucas repeated, following Kristin's gaze. "What does that mean? Can we... Do we need to help her?"

She hesitated. "I'm afraid it doesn't quite work like that."

"Why not?"

"Because we can't intervene with nature," Jeffrey replied. "Look, we are working to protect the species, and having a birth is a godsend. However, there are some things we _can't_ do. You see how large that mother is, and if she's in distress, even _if_ she knows us, she's not going to be happy. You see how the other whales are surrounding her? They're protecting her; they're not going to let any of us near her. And even _if_ we could, what exactly could we do? That baby is at least 2000 pounds itself."

"So...what? We're just going to stand here and watch the mother and baby die?" Lucas' voice cracked with anger and emotion.

Kristin placed a hand on his shoulder. "It doesn't mean she and the baby will die."

"Exactly," Adam said. "Those other whales...they're going to try to help."

"That's right," Jeffrey said. "We've never had the pleasure of seeing any of our whales give birth before, but other whale species have been known to help calving mothers in distress. We just need to hope for the best."

_-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_

After Gizmo was into position, they were able to see the birthing scene clearly with the tablet still in Lucas' hands.

As they crowded around the teen, Ben said, "See, everything's going to be fine. There's the baby's head."

"Wait, it's coming out head-first?" Adam asked, moving to get a better look at the monitor.

"Is that bad?" Lucas asked worriedly.

"Well, that explains the problem," Jeffrey said. "Whales normally come out tail-first to prevent the baby from drowning."

"So...the baby will die?" Lucas asked with a frown.

After a pause, Jeffrey replied, "We're going to hope that it won't. Believe me, this isn't the first time it's happened, and it won't be the last."

"What does that mean?"

Kristin gave his shoulder a squeeze. "It means that the other whales are going to do their best to make sure that doesn't happen. I know it's not easy to just stand here and watch, but...like they said, there's nothing we can really do."

Lucas nodded quietly but didn't speak. Instead, they all watched the monitor in silence. Suddenly, the water clouded with blood, so it was difficult to keep track of the baby whale.

Kristin turned her attention towards the water, and she saw what looked to be a small dark grey mass surrounded by larger grey masses. "I don't believe it," she muttered, turning back towards the group and pointing. "The other whales brought the baby to the surface. See, Lucas, it's fine. It looks like he'll be all right."

"That's great," he said with a grin. "Wait, though...what about Serena?"

Adam pushed a few buttons in order to try to re-position Gizmo. As the blood in the water cleared, they were able to see Serena, who also appeared to be doing well.

"See, Lucas," he said. "She's going to be just fine."

"Yeah...yeah, it looks that way," he said with a smile.

As Gizmo circled around the baby so they could ensure it was healthy, Kristin examined the monitor. "It looks like we have a boy."

"How can you tell?" Ben asked.

She pointed to the monitor. "Sexing whales isn't easy, but here we have the genital slit, and females would have nipple slits; males don't."

"She's right," Jeffrey replied. "When we tag him, we'll draw some blood to genetically sex, just to double check, but I'd say we have a boy as well."

"Well, we said you could do the honors," Adam said, turning to Lucas. "What should we name the little guy?"

Lucas thought for a moment. "How about…Triton?"

"Ah, like the Greek god," Kristin said.

"Or _The Little Mermaid_ ," Ben added.

"Yes, that too," she said with a laugh. "Either way, it's a very regal name...and the perfect choice."

Everyone else seemed to agree, but it was getting late, and they were beginning to lose daylight, so they all helped to pack up the equipment so they could head back.

As soon as they were all inside, Jeffrey looked at Adam. "Get on the radio and inform the others we're on our way. They've probably been wondering what's been keeping us."

The young man did as he was told as they started on their way back to the Kenai Peninsula.

Kristin took it upon herself to look through the galley refrigerator in order to find something decent for dinner. Suddenly, however, the boat jerked and swayed. She instinctively grabbed onto the counter.

"Sorry, everyone," Jeffrey said once he had regained control. "We've come into a bit of a rough patch."

"Or more like a storm," Adam said, turning up the weather radio.

_"An unexpected winter storm is heading towards the Northern part of the Gulf of Alaska and surrounding areas_ ," the announcer said. _Water conditions will be treacherous_. He then went on to explain safety precautions.

When the weather report finished, Jeffrey groaned. "I didn't even think to check the weather reports for this area. We've strayed so far from the peninsula, I didn't anticipate we'd run into anything. I feel like an idiot." He ran a hand through his hair.

"So, now what?" Lucas asked. "Is everything going to be okay?"

"Oh, I'm sure there's nothing to worry about. It…it's just a little storm, right Jeffrey?" Kristin said, putting a comforting arm around Lucas' shoulders.

"Just a little storm," Jeffrey said with a nod. "It might take us a bit longer to get back, but it's nothing we can't handle."

Ben looked out the window. "It's starting to snow...and it's coming down fast," he commented, turning back to Jeffrey. "You sure we can handle a winter storm in this boat?"

"Of course," he replied. "We've done it before. The _Serenity_ might look old, but she's stronger than she looks. I promise."

Kristin, Lucas, Ben, and Jonathan all exchanged worried glances.

Ben looked out the window again. "Don't worry. It can't be any worse than going through a hurricane."

Jonathan put an arm around Kristin's shoulders. "He's right. Everything will be fine."

Kristin tried to force a smile; all she could do was hope they were right.


	5. The Meaning Of Moments Like This

**_Serenity_ **

The small boat was tossed around like it weighed nothing by the pitching waters.

"I think this is more than a bit of patchy weather," Ben finally said. "Are you sure there's nothing more we can do?"

Jeffrey was at the helm, doing his best to keep the boat steady, but he called to Adam, "Pass out the life jackets...and make sure everyone puts one on."

Adam's brow furrowed in question. "Are we going to be okay?"

"It's just a safety precaution...in case," his father explained.

After everyone else had a life jacket on, Adam helped his father put one on so he could continue manning the helm. "Can't we steer towards shore until the storm is over?" Adam asked.

"What do you think I'm trying to do? It's not easy, you know." He looked over his shoulder. "I really am sorry, everyone. I could kick myself for not checking on the weather reports here."

"It's all right," Jonathan said, moving towards him. "No one blames you. For all we know, this could have come out of nowhere. But...would you mind if I tried?"

The older man thought for a moment, before stepping aside. "You think I'd deny _seaQuest's_ XO from manning my boat? Never; be my guest. I'm sure you'll do much better than I am right now."

Jonathan took the wheel, maintaining control of the vessel for the time being, but he feared he wouldn't be able to keep that way for long. He turned back to Jeffrey, who hadn't left his side. "Maybe we could radio for help?"

"I can try, but no one's going to be able to get through this storm."

" _ _SeaQuest__ can!" Lucas said. "We can radio them."

"That's if they're nearby," Ben pointed out. "They could be hundreds of miles away by now." He turned to Kristin. "Did the captain happen to mention their location when you spoke with him?"

She shook her head. "No, but they were patrolling the waters; providing there were no emergencies, they could be closer than we think."

"Or they could be hours away…" Jonathan said. "But Lucas has a point. There is a chance, so we have to try."

"And if they're nowhere near us?" Ben questioned.

"We'll try an open line," Jeffrey said. " _ _SeaQuest__ _or_ any other nearby boats could answer it. It's a gamble, but it's something."

Jeffrey tuned the radio into the appropriate line and then spoke into the microphone, "Mayday, mayday, this is Doctor Jeffrey Talbot, captain of _the_ _ _Serenity__ of the Northern Right Whale Recovery Team in the Kenai Peninsula, Alaska. Five members of my team and I are currently on the water in Snowstorm Edward, exact location uncertain. Mayday, mayday." He pushed a few buttons and then turned back to the others. "I put the message on a continuous loop. Someone should hear it."

Jonathan nodded. "Good thinking; hopefully someone can get to us on time before anything bad happens."

_-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_

Several minutes passed, but nothing changed. They had no response from their distress call, and the storm continued to rage, but at least Jonathan was able to keep control of the vessel so far. Until...

"The water's starting to get choppy, people. I don't know how long I can fight this," Jonathan said. "You might want to brace yourselves."

Before she could even react Kristin felt the boat jerk, and there was a deafening crash. She scrambled for a nearby beam, but she tripped and fell backwards. Since she was unscathed, she attempted to stand, but she soon realized the boat was in a near-vertical position. Unsure of what to do, she heard the surprised cries from the others, who'd been tossed around as well. All she could do was shut her eyes and pray for the spinning to stop.

Suddenly, the boat seemed to come to an abrupt stop. She breathed a sigh of relief as she opened her eyes, ready to get up, when she heard the eerily familiar sound of rushing water as the boat settled into its normal, horizontal position.

"Oh, no," she muttered quietly before strong arms pulled her up.

"Are you all right?" Jonathan asked, his arms around her waist.

"I…I think so, but what about-"

Jonathan pointed to the far corner of the cabin where the others huddled together. "Everyone's fine," he told her.

She nodded and gave a weak smile. "What…what happened?"

"Oh, you know...just our wonderful luck," Ben said dryly.

"We hit what appears to be a group of jagged rocks. I couldn't see them," Jonathan replied. "We're taking on water fast."

"Oh, dear. Well, this...this is nothing we haven't seen before." She turned to Jeffrey. "There's a survival raft, isn't there?"

"Of course there is, but-"

She held up a hand. "Please don't say it's better to stay in here."

"But at least we have shelter in here," he protested. "I know we're between a rock and a hard place, but I think it's better to take our chances in here."

Jonathan shook his head. "And what happens when this entire place fills up with water and we all drown?"

Jeffrey didn't answer. "All right, fine. I see your point. We'll do it your way."

They all moved to the deck…well, rather the part that wasn't submerged beneath the freezing water. Jeffrey inflated the raft and climbed in and then carefully helped the others in.

"You're right, Doc. This is nothing like going through Hurricane Sheila. It's worse!" Ben shouted. "At least in the Bermuda Triangle, we had _heat_."

"C-could you not talk about heat right now when I'm f-freezing," Lucas shot back, turning to Jeffrey. "Wh-what do we do now?"

Jeffrey quickly opened the survival pack he'd taken and passed out survival blankets. "We try to stay warm."

The small raft was no match for the crashing waves, however. The group did their best to bail out the water they could, but they were getting drenched…and losing body heat quickly.

"We need a better plan," Jonathan said after several minutes of bailing. He held up the rope from the survival kit.

Kristin nodded, knowing what he meant. "Good idea."

"Just in case," he said with a nod.

"What will a rope do?" Jeffrey asked, confused.

"It's a way to keep us connected in case we get separated," she explained, handing them one end of the rope. "Tie this around your waists."

"Smart idea," he said as he and Adam did as she suggested.

_-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_

_****seaQuest** **_ ****, 275 miles off the coast of British Columbia, Canada** **

On the _seaQuest bridge, patrolling never was very exciting. Still, it was protocol, and there was little avoiding it. "Are the WSKRS picking up anything out of the ordinary, Mr. Ortiz?"_

The young officer shook his head. "Nothing from Mother, Junior, or Loner," he said with a sigh. "I'd say this area is clear. We can move to the next location."

"Actually, Captain," Tim O'Neill said. "I'm picking up a distress signal."

"Location?"

"Unclear, sir. Somewhere near the Gulf of Alaska."

 _Gulf of Alaska _?__ he thought with a slight shake of his head. _What are the chances?_ "Play it through the loudspeakers."

As soon as the message played, Nathan frowned, a hundred regrets running through his head.

"Wasn't that the doc's friend? Dr. Jeffrey Talbot?" Katie asked, the concern in her voice evident.

"It is," Nathan replied before turning back to Tim. "Anyone else closer to them?"

The younger man shook his head. "Not that I'm aware of. The NOAA has been tracking this Snowstorm Edward for days. Everyone was advised to get off the water hours ago."

"Apparently, Mr. Talbot missed that memo," Nathan muttered, turning to Katie. "Set a course for the Gulf of Alaska, Commander. And you have the bridge for the moment."

"Aye, sir."

"I need to inform Levin. I'll be back shortly," he said before leaving the bridge.

_-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_

****Gulf of Alaska, life raft** **

Working on the rope tying had taken everyone's mind off the situation. Everyone else had been securely tied, save for Lucas and her.

"M-my fingers don't want to work," he said.

"Here, let me," Kristin replied, doing her best to work quickly so she could help warm him up, only her fingers weren't cooperating either. She did her best to get the knot tied when she felt the rope go around her waist as well and turned to see Ben.

"I remember how to do this," he told her. "And I thought you could use a little help."

"Thanks," she replied. "I'm glad you remembered something from-"

Only a huge wave rose up and engulfed the small raft, cutting her off. Her hands reached out to grab onto the rope, but it quickly slipped away. The wave suddenly subsided, allowing her to catch her breath for one second before another hit. She felt someone's arms go around her before another wave bombarded them again.

"We...got...stay...there!"

Kristin tried to focus on what Ben was saying, but the water was drowning out his words.

"It's...okay!"

She nodded, assuming he said something to the effect that it was going to be okay when another wave hit them and the raft overturned.

The shock of the freezing water sent a pain through Kristin's body as she was thrown under the surface against her will. Though her lungs screamed for air, she knew she had to force herself to swim, even though the current was pushing against her body. She finally reached the surface, but she couldn't see anyone else. She spun in circles until she finally saw them waving several hundred yards away. They'd found some rocks jutting from the water and had climbed on top of them.

"Stay where you are!" Jonathan called. "We'll come to you."

She shook her head. "I think I can swim to you!"

"Lucas is still missing!" he yelled back to her.

Kristin's heart sank. __Lucas__. She hadn't gotten his rope secured when the waves hit. She looked around but didn't see him. She cupped her hands over her mouth and called, "Lucas!" as loud as she could. __No answer.__

She shook her head. _No, this couldn't be happening._ She'd promised to take care of him. She promised nothing would happen to him. She watched as Jonathan jumped into the water to find him, but she knew he'd need help. She sucked in several deep breaths, even though the icy air made her lungs ache, and forced herself into the water again.

Her limbs felt like lead as she swam through the water, hoping she or Jonathan would find Lucas quickly. Suddenly, the water seemed to clear and she spotted the boy about thirty feet away. She kicked and moved her arms with all her might. She knew she was quickly losing body heat, but so was Lucas. After what seemed like ages, she finally reached him and put her arms around him.

She pulled, but he wouldn't move. She looked around and tried to spot Jonathan, but to no avail. She mustered up what little strength she had, and by some miracle, she was able to get him to the surface.

They were thankfully closer to the rocks, but they were still at least a hundred yards away. She called to the others, "I found him!" before turning to the boy in her arms. "L-Lucas?"

The teen mumbled something she couldn't understand, his eyes still closed.

"Lucas, honey, p-please wake up. I…I know you're cold, and I know you're tired, but you're going to need to help me. I can't get us there alone."

_No response._

She shook him a bit harder. "Lucas, please?"

He opened his eyes. "I...I'm sorry," he muttered. "I…it's s-so c-cold."

"I know, L-Lucas, I...I know," Kristin replied, her own teeth chattering. "W-we just need to swim a little further, but I can't carry you on my own. You have to help me. Do you think you can handle that?" She turned his head towards the rocks where the others were calling to them.

"T-take my hand," she told him. "Whatever you do, _d-don't_ let go. We'll do this together, okay? I'm right here."

He nodded, and they slowly began swimming towards the others.

Kristin's heart nearly jumped for joy when she saw Jonathan swimming back towards them. "We're n-nearly there."

Jonathan finally reached them and helped pull them both back to the rocks. He helped Lucas up first before turning to Kristin. "You're next."

He reached out to lift her up when another wave came and crashed against them, pulling them both away from the others.

_-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_

Ben was working at untying his own rope when Jonathan resurfaced.

"Th-the doc?" he asked.

"I can't see where she went," Ben told him. "I'll be in there in a minute."

Jonathan shook his head. "If we keep doing this, we're not going to survive. Stay here. I'll look."

"You...you have to find her," Lucas said.

"I will," Jonathan promised, not wasting any more time. Several minutes passed, however, and he was coming up empty. As he pushed himself to the surface, he realized he could barely feel his legs. As much as he hated to do it, he swam back to the rocks where Ben and Jeffrey pulled him out of the water.

"You...you mean you're just going to leave her out there?" Lucas asked, nearly hysteric.

"Lucas, I-I tried," Jonathan said, shivering. "I can't... We... Th-the best thing to do is wait for help to arrive."

"Th-that c-could take hours!" Lucas cried. "Sh-she could die!"

Ben put an arm around his shoulders. "We...we won't let that happen, kid. The commander just needs to warm up. We'll go look again in a little while."

_-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_

_**seaQuest** _

A launch with a med team was prepared as soon as _seaQuest_ entered the Gulf of Alaska. With Lieutenant O'Neill's communication skills and Chief Ortiz' WSKR, they were able to track the radio signals from the _Serenity_. When they found the wreckage, however, the situation looked bleak.

"It...doesn't mean anything," Nathan said, trying to sound positive. "Med team, launch MR-8, we believe the _Serenity_ crew may have headed to the surface. The storm destroyed their craft."

"Aye, sir," Chief Crocker replied. "Heading to the surface."

"Keep me informed," Nathan said before turning back to the bridge. "Since Chief Crocker is detained, perhaps you could join me?" He took a deep breath and began singing, "What should we do with the drunken sailor? What should we do with the drunken sailor?"

As the others joined in, he gave a nod. At least morale was up. Now he just had to stay positive himself that everything would work out fine.

_-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_

**Launch MR-8**

As the launch reached the shore, Joshua and two of his assistants combed the area in search of any human life. Even with the snow suits they'd brought, the wind still chilled the bones. Luckily, though, the missing members had some flares, so they were able to get to them quickly. They loaded the patients onto stretchers and got them safely onto the launch.

Dr. Levin wrapped a survival blanket around Lucas.

"D-doctor W-westphalen," Lucas choked out.

"Don't strain yourself, Lucas," Joshua ordered gently. "After we get you back to _seaQuest_ , we'll inform her you're all right."

The young man shook his head. "N-no…sh-she's m-missing," he said, his voice barely above a whisper.

Joshua looked at Jonathan, who was on the stretcher next to him. "Kristin was with you?"

Jonathan nodded. "W-we tried-"

Joshua waved a hand. "It's all right; I understand." He bit his bottom lip in worry. With the storm, could they find the doctor in time? And if they couldn't, could anyone survive the elements unprotected?

_-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_

_**seaQuest** _

Nathan waited in launchbay for the med team to return. He'd known all along something like this was going to happen. And here he'd been chastising himself for worrying needlessly when it wasn't needlessly after all. Still, he promised himself he wasn't going to complain. He wouldn't say, "I told you so." All he wanted was to see Kristin and the others alive and well.

As the med team returned, carrying the patients on stretchers, Joshua stopped to give him a quick update. "They're stable, but we need to get them to medbay quickly before things get worse."

Nathan nodded and watched as the stretchers were wheeled through. "Let me know as soon as you're finished."

However, as he went back to the bridge and told Commander Hitchcock to reset their course, he started to think. He'd seen Lucas, Jonathan, and Ben, and he'd seen two other men. Had he seen Kristin? A second later, he shook his head. He knew he hadn't, but then maybe she wasn't on the _Serenity_ after all. Not only that, Joshua would have told him if... He couldn't bring himself to finish the thought, but he knew Joshua would have told him if anything was amiss, _period._

That meant Kristin must not have been with them after all, which was a godsend. He gave a himself a reassuring nod and went back to work.

_-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_

Two hours later, Joshua called him to medbay, where Joshua pulled him into his office.

"They're all resting comfortably," the younger man said. "They're going to be fine in a few days."

"Good," Nathan said with a sigh of relief. However, he couldn't help but notice how the young doctor shifted in his chair, avoiding the captain's gaze. "Is there something else?"

Joshua hesitated. "We didn't know this until we already had them all on the launch and were halfway on our way here, but it seems there's one person that was on the _Serenity_ that is still missing."

His mouth fell open. "M-missing?" he repeated.

"Until this storm lets up, I don't see if there's much we can do. That's even if she-"

"She?" Nathan scrubbed a hand across his face. "Please don't tell me it's Dr. Westphalen."

"I'm sorry, Captain. Apparently, the others tried to find her. With the snow, the wind, the cold, the waves...it was just too much."

Nathan nodded solemnly, but this... This was one of his worst nightmares coming true. He'd told her…begged her not to go, and now he knew there'd been a reason for it. Deep down, he had just known something bad was going to happen. And now what? How was he going to solve this? How in the world were they-

"Um, would you like to see the others?" Joshua's voice cut through the quiet. "You won't be able to stay with them long, however."

Nathan nodded, being pulled back to reality. "Just give me one second." He walked to the intercom. "Commander Hitchcock?"

"Sir," her voice sounded through the speaker.

"Reset course back to the Kenai Peninsula."

"Sir?"

"I'll explain everything later, but we lost something there we need to get back."

"Aye, sir," she said before Nathan turned back to Joshua.

"I really am sorry, Captain," Joshua said.

"It's all right," he replied quietly. He couldn't exactly be angry with the man. Everything had happened so fast, and he had five other patients to attend to.

The young doctor gave a nod and said, "Right this way then," pointing him in the right direction. "Lucas is in bay five, and the others are in seven through eleven. "I have a few other things to finish up, but if you need anything, you know where to find me."

"Thank you, Joshua," Nathan replied, heading to bay five first. He paused at the door, seeing Lucas was fast asleep under several blankets. After a moment, he carefully approached his bed and placed a gentle hand on his forehead, brushing a few stray hairs off his face. "H-hey, kiddo. I...I am so sorry about what happened."

Nathan took Lucas' hand in his own and squeezed it gently, giving it a kiss. "I…I am so glad you came back to me." He felt a few tears threaten to fall, but he quickly choked them back. "The...the doctor…we're going to find her. Don't you worry. We'll find her. I'll bring her back."

He sat there for a long while, holding his hand and saying a few silent prayers of thanks for Lucas' safe return. He also asked to keep Kristin safe, wherever she was.

"You rest now, kiddo," he said, placing a gentle kiss to the boy's forehead. "I'll come see you later."

_-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_

Every one of the patients had been sleeping; they were exhausted from the ordeal, which wasn't a surprise. Unfortunately, no one was able to tell Nathan anything, though. He also knew he would have to explain to the rest of the crew what had happened with the doctor. However, he was too tired and too emotionally exhausted at the moment. It was also well after 1100 hours, so he decided that would wait until tomorrow.

Once he was in the privacy of his quarters, however, he found he couldn't sleep. "Naturally," he muttered to himself as his thoughts instantly wandered to Kristin. He paced around his room absentmindedly. There had to be something he could do right now. But...what? What he could he possible do at this hour?

And then it finally hit him. It was a long-shot, but... He turned to his hologram computer and hit a button, showing the smiling face of Carol.

"Hello, honey," he whispered. "I…I suppose you heard what happened? Well, I was hoping...if it's not too much trouble, maybe you could pull some strings? Try to keep her safe until we can get to her? It would mean the world to me if-"

A knock at the door interrupted his train of thought. He sighed. "We'll have to continue this later," he told her before shutting the image off.

As another knock sounded, he called, "I'll be right there,"wondering who could possibly be disturbing him at this hour. Had it been an emergency, his PAL would have gone off.

He opened the door and nearly fell over, for standing there was Kristin. She was shivering, her arms wrapped around herself as if trying to keep warm. He also noticed a small trickle of blood on her forehead. "Kristin?" he said, unsure if he was dreaming.

"N-Nathan, I…I'm s-so c-cold," she whispered.

Nathan instinctively pulled her inside, grabbed a blanket, and wrapped it around her shoulders. "We should get you to medbay. Dr. Levin will-"

Kristin shook her head, snuggling into him. "Not yet. P-please, l-let me s-stay here?"

Nathan nodded, wrapping her in his arms and rubbing gently to help her keep warm.

On the one hand, he was relieved. It was if his prayers had been answered, only...

On the other, he worried something else might be happening, something he'd experienced time and time again. He shook his head, however, too afraid to admit it yet. He didn't want to ruin the moment, but he couldn't shake the niggling feeling that history was repeating itself.


	6. In The Peaceful Hour

Nathan and Kristin stayed that way for several minutes. However, his efforts to stop her from shivering seemed futile because he could still feel her trembling. "Kristin, we really should get you to medbay," he said, his tone gentle but insistent.

Kristin pulled away and shook her head, however. "N-no…I f-feel w-warmer already," she replied, but her bottom lip quivered as she spoke.

Nathan frowned, eyeing her carefully. She looked very pale, her skin almost having a bluish hue, and dark circles rimmed her eyes. She didn't look much like herself. "At least let me page Dr. Levin?"

She shook her head and snuggled up against him again. "J-just h-hold m-me…p-please? I promise I'll feel much better soon."

Nathan sighed and wrapped his arms around her and did his best to help her get warm again. He knew she was stubborn, but... This really didn't seem like her. Had she been through a storm that left her nearly hypothermic, he knew she'd never refuse medical help. Then a thought came to him. "Do you remember what happened?"

Kristin pulled away to look at him, her brow furrowing. "D-don't you know? The others? They…they did _find_ the others, didn't they?"

Nathan put an arm around her shoulders. "They did, and there's no need to panic. Dr. Levin says they're all going to be fine. Lucas, Ben, Jonathan…they're all back safe and sound."

"And Jeffrey and Adam?"

"Resting in medbay as well. It would really make me feel better if you let Levin look at you as well."

Kristin put up a hand. "Nathan, I'm fine." She stood and removed the blanket from her shoulders. "See, I'm not even shivering anymore."

He nodded, seeing she wasn't shaking anymore. "But…your head. You're bleeding, which is why we really should get you to medbay. Joshua can check to see if-"

Kristin walked into the bathroom and looked in the mirror. "Oh, this is something I can take care of myself," she told him. "Can you hand me the first aid kit?" she asked.

Nathan obliged and watched as she cleaned the wound.

After a while, she noticed his reflection and gave him a look. "It was just a little bump on the head," she said, turning around to face him. "It's going to be fine."

"And you remember everything that happened?" he said again.

She shrugged. "Of course. Now I suppose you're going to lecture me?"

Nathan put up his hands. "No, not at all." He placed his hands on her shoulders. She wasn't shivering anymore, but she still looked pale. He pulled her into an embrace, needing to feel her close to him to be sure she wasn't a dream.

"I'm sorry if I scared you," she muttered.

He nodded, tightening the hug. "It's just-" He stopped short and pulled away to look at her when he heard her gasp. "What's wrong?" Concern laced every word.

"It's nothing," she said, a hand on her chest, trying to compose herself again. "I got thrown around a bit during the storm…just a few bruised ribs, I'm sure. Things are a little tender, but it's feeling better now." She turned back to the mirror to finish tending to the bump on her head.

Nathan continued to watch her, still worried something was off about all this. However, as he heard her wince, he realized he didn't have time to analyze it now. It would have to wait.

He stepped forward and placed a hand on her shoulder. "Why don't you let me help you…please?"

Kristin handed him the small piece of gauze she'd been using and allowed him to tend to the bump.

"Ouch," Nathan commented when he looked at her head. He couldn't tell before because her hair covered most of it, but now, examining it in the light, he could see a dark bruise with a small gash in the center. There was still dried blood that needed to be cleaned. Nathan gently dabbed at it, but heard Kristin wince again. "This…this is going to sting a little." Nathan offered his opposite hand to her. "Squeeze my hand when it hurts."

She gave him a doubtful look. "Just get it over with," she told him, looking at his hand but making no attempt to take it.

"Just trust me, okay?"

Kristin sighed and finally took it.

Nathan gently cleaned her wound as best he could. He felt her squeeze his hand every time it hurt, but she held still for him.

A few minutes later, Nathan said, "There, all clean…and I don't think it needs stitches either."

Kristin offered him a smile. "That…wasn't so bad."

"My hand helped, didn't it?"

She nodded. "You were right."

He shrugged. "Well, you're not used to being on the patient end of things…I, on the other hand, have been there many times," he said with a wink. "I know a few tricks."

"I'm not the best patient, am I?"

Nathan smiled. "Doctors never are, are they?"

Her smile faded.

"No…I…you were fine," he told her. "I do wish you'd have those ribs checked out, though."

Kristin sighed. "If I spoke with Joshua in the morning, would that make you feel better?"

Nathan nodded. "Yeah, it would. Thanks."

She walked over to him and placed a hand to his cheek. "You're very welcome. As I said before, you are so _cute_ when you're worried."

Nathan took Kristin's hand in his and gently removed it from his face. He then took his other hand and placed it on top of hers.

"Nathan?" she asked.

"Kristin…can I ask you something?"

"Anything," she replied softly.

"How…how did you get back to _seaQuest_? You do know the others were found before you were?"

Kristin hesitated slightly, running a hand through her hair as if it were going to jog her memory. Her eyebrows knitted together in confusion. "I… The last thing I remember is helping Lucas, and then..." She trailed off as a hand rose to her mouth. "I can't remember how I got back here."

He pulled her into his arms once again. "That's...that's all right. You don't need to worry. The important thing is you did get back."

He had expected this, however. He'd seen this same situation before, but he couldn't tell her, not yet. She needed to find out for herself. And with time, he knew she would.

He also knew what it meant for her. He hoped that by the good grace of God that they'd find her in time, perhaps even before she found out the truth. He shut his eyes, knowing it would break her. The thought of it nearly broke him, and he didn't want to admit the woman before him wasn't quite real.

He heard soft sniffles from her. "It's all right," he said again, rubbing her back gently in an effort to calm her.

After several minutes, she seemed to relax. "Nathan, would you mind if I lie down?" she asked. "I'm suddenly so tired. I don't think I'll be able to make it to my room."

"Of course," he told her and helped to his bunk. He covered her with a blanket and sat next to her. "Are you feeling warmer now?"

She nodded. "Much, thank you. I...I am sorry I showed up like this. I know it's late. I needed..."

"It's no trouble, really, Kris. I'm just...happy you came back to me."

"Of course. I couldn't... Something told me I had to come to you first," she said between yawns.

He nodded, standing up. "Well, I should let you get some rest."

She placed a halting hand on his arm, though. "No... I mean, could you stay with me until I fall asleep?"

"All... All right," he said, sitting back down. "Would you still like to talk?"

She nodded. "I feel like if I fall asleep, you'll disappear. Promise me that won't happen. I... I don't want you to to leave me."

He shook his head. "I promise that won't happen. I'm not going anywhere. I won't disappear." He squeezed her hand. "I'll be right here, okay?"

She nodded and closed her eyes. It wasn't long before Nathan heard light snoring from her, so he placed a gentle kiss to her forehead and dimmed the light above his bunk. He then padded to the small sofa on the other side of the room and lay down. He let out a deep breath, the worries about what was really going on bombarding his mind, causing him to toss and turn in an effort to get to sleep. Hours later, sleep finally claimed him, but his mind had other plans.

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**Annapolis Naval Academy, 1983**

_Nathan had been attending the academy for two years, and he loved it. He was a career man through and through, and he'd met so many wonderful people there. Of course, he and Scott Keller were roommates, but he'd also met William 'Bill' Noyce. And then there was Sam Paxton. Sam was quiet when he first arrived at the academy, mostly keeping to himself. However, Nathan helped bring him out of his shell. He and Sam had grown close._

_Nathan and Sam were among the top-ranking junior officers in their year, along with Bill and Scott, and they were offered the opportunity to attend a special training exercise. That day had finally arrived, and it was exciting, since they'd meet other top-ranking officers like themselves._

" _You will be split into two groups," their instructor called out. "When I call your name, please stand." The list of names included Nathan and Sam. "You will be assigned to the_ _ **Alliance**_ _." The instructor motioned to a small ship nearby used for practice simulations such as this. Then, he continued to call out another list of names, including those of Bill and Scott. "The rest of you will be assigned to the_ _ **Confederacy**_ _." The man then gave out orders to higher-ranking officers and explained what they would be doing in this simulation._

_The concept was simple. This was a war-simulation in which some of the members had to prepare a battle plan. However, Nathan and Sam weren't needed for that. They were on the rescue team. They were to help get the 'injured' members to the medical team without getting caught by the 'enemy'. Since Sam and Nathan had both been trained in first aid and were among the best swimmers, it seemed simple enough._

_Both teams were given a time period to 'prepare'. And then, a gunshot rang out, signalling the start of the simulation. At first, Nathan fumbled a bit, but he quickly calmed down as he noticed that Sam and the other members of their team seemed to know exactly what to do. He and Sam dove off the side of their boat to help one of the 'injured' members waiting for their help._

_That's when Nathan found out the simulation wasn't going to be as easy as he'd originally thought. The opposing team members were to 'block' Nathan, Sam, and the rest of the rescue team from helping the 'injured'. Therefore, Nathan's rescue team were immediately forced to improvise and think of an alternate strategy...all while they were being bombarded by simulated weapons._

_Nathan and Sam ushered their group to move to a small clearing away from the weapon fire so they could construct some sort of new plan. But when they did so, they didn't realize that a battle strategy group was already waiting for them._

_Although the simulated weapons weren't meant to harm or hurt, Nathan felt himself being hurled beneath the water. He wasn't even sure what had hit him. Suddenly, pain coursed through his head, and everything had gone dark._

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_The next thing he knew, he saw a bright, white light in the distance. A disembodied voice had told him to follow it, and he had little choice but to listen. A minute later, he found himself standing in an emergency room, staring at his lifeless body on a bed in the center of the room while various doctors and nurses worked to revive him._

" _He's gone," one of the nurses announced, looking at the flat-lined monitor, the long familiar beep a telling sign._

" _No," one of the doctors protested, taking the defibrillator paddles in his hands. "He's not gone. Not yet...not until I say."_

" _But, Doctor…" another nurse protested. She went over to him and placed a hand to his shoulder. She whispered softly. "He's been gone for nearly five minutes. He's not coming back. It's a lost cause."_

" _No…there's no such thing as a lost cause." He turned to the woman. "Charge the machine."_

_She nodded and hit a button._

_"Clear," the doctor said when a red light on the machine lit up._

_Nathan couldn't believe what he was seeing as the doctor placed the paddles to his chest. Well, it wasn't his chest, it was the one lying on the bed. Did that mean...? Was he dead? He shook his head. No, he couldn't be. He didn't feel dead, but then he wasn't sure what exactly it was supposed to feel like. He watched as the doctor charged the defibrillator paddles again when suddenly, a hand on his shoulder caused him to jump, tearing his attention away from the scene before him, turning to see Sam._

" _Hey, buddy," his friend said, waving. Only something was wrong. The young man was smiling, but he had a trickle of blood running down his forehead._

" _Sam? What happened? You...you're hurt. What? How?" He ran a hand through his hair. "What the hell is going on?" He motioned to the bed. "Do...do you see?"_

" _Yeah, I see," Sam replied, though he didn't seem as frantic as Nathan._ " _I'm in the room right next door. Or…at least I was."_

_"Was? You mean you... Did you... Did I... Are we..._ _Are we both…dead?"_

_He nodded. "But there's a problem. We're both not meant to go."_

_"_ _What do you mean?"_

_He wasn't graced with a reply. Instead, he was met with a jolt as he felt himself being pulled away from Sam by some unseen force._

_"Goodbye," Sam said before disappearing._

_"Wait!" Nathan cried, but the next thing he knew, he was suddenly back in his own body. He coughed and sputtered as the doctor tried to explain what had happened._

_"Take it easy, son. You've had a nasty bump to the head. You're going to be okay, though."_

" _But…Sam…my friend…" Nathan rasped._

_The doctor patted his shoulder gently. "I'm sorry. We tried…but he was just…gone too long. But there has to be a reason why_ _**you're** _ _getting a second chance..."_

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Nathan sat bolt-upright in bed, gasping for air. His heart was beating so fast, and he was drenched with sweat, causing his clothing to stick to him. He put a hand to his chest, willing himself to calm down.

"Nathan?" Kristin called, moving to sit next to him. "Are you all right?"

"I…I'm fine. I just…had a very vivid dream…a bit of a nightmare, actually."

Kristin narrowed her eyes and placed a hand on his shoulder. "I'd say. You look as though you've seen a ghost. Do...do you want to talk about it?"

"N-no…thank you." He gently removed her hand from his arm and forced a smile. "You just go back to sleep. I'm just going to do a bit of reading to help me relax once again."

"I think that perhaps I should go back to my room," she said. "You've been so kind to let me stay here, but what would the others say if they saw me here in the morning? Besides, I think that the reason you're having nightmares is because I'm forcing you to sleep on that lumpy sofa."

Nathan smiled softly. "It's not as uncomfortable as it looks, really."

"Well, be that as it may, you need your rest, too. I really am feeling much better, thank you." She gave him a small peck on the cheek and started towards the door.

"You'll still see Levin in the morning?" he asked.

She smiled. "I promise, _Father_."

Nathan chuckled. "Well, you certainly must be feeling better if you're remembering to tease me now."

"I remember quite a lot, actually," she said with a nod. "At least about some things, like... _Once out of nature I shall never take; my bodily form from any natural thing; but such a form as Grecian goldsmiths make; of hammered gold and gold enameling; to keep a drowsy Emperor awake; or set upon a golden bough to sing; to lords and ladies of Byzantium; of what is past, or passing, or to come_."

"The poem…you remembered," he said after a pause.

"I couldn't possibly forget. It was only just yesterday. I also remember you promised me we'd have a discussion about it."

Nathan smiled. "I thought you said we both need our rest?"

"Well, I didn't _mean_ tonight."

"Tell you what, how about we plan something tomorrow night once I'm off duty? Maybe I could make you dinner?" he offered.

"That sounds lovely."

"Great," Nathan replied. "See you then."

"If not before," she replied, opening his cabin door and starting down the hall.

Nathan stood in the doorway and watched her go. "Goodnight," he called quietly.

"Goodnight, Nathan. Sweet dreams...and thank you for everything," she said before disappearing around the corner.


	7. The Quiet Spell

Once he was alone again, Nathan walked over to his bookshelf, needing something more than poetry to take his mind off what was going on. He smiled softly when he spotted one of Lucas' comic books; he'd found it next to the moon pool after they'd left. Nathan had planned to give give it back to him on Sunday, but...

Well, the universe had other plans. He sighed and picked it up, reading the cover. Ironically, it was called _Ocean_ , only upon reading the back cover, Nathan found it really wasn't really about the ocean at all. It was a science-fiction graphic novel set in space upon the discovery of alien artifacts in the ocean.

He shrugged and walked back to his bunk. It would at least be an interesting read, if nothing else.

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_The next thing Nathan knew, he found himself in a dark tunnel of some sort. He peered through the darkness, seeing a bright light in the distance. **Oh, no,** he thought. **Don't tell me...** He cupped his hands around his mouth and called, "Sam! Are you here? Why do you keep bringing me back here?" **Wherever 'here' is.**_

_"Nathan, come find me! Help me, please!"_

_Nathan paused for a moment. That wasn't Sam's voice._

_"Nathan, please, I need you to find me!"_

_His eyebrows knitted together. That sounded like..._

_"Nathan, please. I...I'm so cold!"_

_"Kristin?" he said, looking around, trying to determine where she was, but it was so dark, he couldn't see a damn thing._

_"Follow the light, Nathan. I'm right here. Just follow the light, and you'll find me!"_

_He gave a nod, as if she could hear his head shaking and started walking. He couldn't quite tell if he was going in the right direction, but he hoped. Finally, after what seemed like hours, the light seemed to get closer. But as he neared the clearing, he could see snow suddenly blurring his vision. He stopped short. Had it been snowing the entire time?_

_He turned to look behind him, taking a few steps back. It was too dark to tell, but it was warm. He held his hand out and felt nothing. No bits of cold in his hand. His brow furrowed. Strange..._

_"Nathan, please! Please, come find me!"_

_He turned back around, realizing wherever Kristin was, he would have to trek through the snow to find her. He took a deep breath and walked into the light._

_As soon as he did, the sharp bite of the bitter wind found its way to his bones. He looked down, realizing he was only dressed in pajamas. He looked up and said, "You couldn't have given me a coat?" as if the universe would magically oblige._

_"Nathan, please!"_

_He sighed and wrapped his arms around his body as he trudged through the heavy snow. He couldn't see much in all the white, but Kristin's voice led him like a beacon. Finally, in the distance, he saw her lying face down. He rushed to her and gently rolled her over, finding her unconscious._

_"Kristin?" he said. "Wake up, I'm here. I found you. Kristin?"_

_"Nathan, come find me!" he heard again._

_He moved to lift her in his arms only to find her gone._

_"What?" he said out loud, shaking his head and combing through the snow with his hands. "Kristin? Where are you?"_

_"I'm right here! Come find me, Nathan. You need to find me before it's too late!"_

"Kristin, no!" he cried, suddenly waking with a start. He took several deep breaths, looking around the room. He was alone, only he was sure he'd heard her voice plain as day. "Kristin?" he said.

He received no answer, however, as he walked to his cabin door and opened it, looking up and down the corridor, finding it empty.

He sighed, closing the door once again and running a hand through his disheveled hair. "I guess it was just a dream," he muttered. Kristin _had_ been there with him just hours before, hadn't she? Or had that been dream as well? He put a hand to his head. He suddenly felt he was losing what little grip he had on reality. How could he prove it to himself he wasn't going crazy?

He looked around, noticing the afghan at the foot of the bed: the one he'd thrown around her. He then saw the first aid kit still sitting on the table. She _had_ to have been here. When he'd held her in his arms, she'd felt real.

 _And you don't think the afghan and the first aid kit are just coincidences?_ his head protested. _You use that same afghan all the time, and you brought the first aid kit out because you'd gotten a cut on your finger._

"Did I?" he muttered, scrubbing a hand across his face. "God, I really _must_ be losing my mind." He glanced at his bunk. No way was he getting any more sleep tonight, he decided. Instead, he walked to the head to freshen up when he noticed the roll of gauze and antiseptic still sitting on the back of the sink.

"She was here," he muttered softly. Well, at least he thought she was. He gathered up the gauze and antiseptic, put them back in the first aid kit, and then put it in its rightful place. He then quickly washed and got dressed, determined to get to the bottom of this once and for all.

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Unfortunately, he could only think of one way to prove he wasn't going insane. He realized he could have had some strange illusion, but he had to know for sure. He made his way to her room. The corridors were all quiet, save for a few crewmen on the security team keeping watch.

"Morning, Ensign," Nathan said as he passed.

The young ensign looked at him with wide eyes before coming to his senses and saluting. "Morning, sir. I...I am sorry for the delay. I just didn't expect... I'm not used to..."

He waved a hand. "At ease, Ensign..." He looked at his badge. "...Edwards. I just couldn't sleep and decided to...get in an early-morning workout. Don't worry; this won't be a repeat occurrence."

Ensign Edwards gave him a grin. "I understand, sir. Good luck."

Nathan gave a nod and turned the corner, glad he didn't see anyone else. He wasn't sure what anyone else would think of him knocking on someone's door at this hour...especially someone who wasn't supposed to be there. When he reached Kristin's door, however, he stopped for a moment.

Really, what was he doing? Did he really expect her to open the door? What if she was sleeping? Or what if she was...

 _What if she's really not here after all?_ he thought with a shake of his head. _What if I really_ _ **am**_ _going crazy?_

There was only one way to find out, so he took a deep breath and knocked gently. No answer. He knocked a tad louder to find there was still no answer.

"Of course," he muttered. He hadn't really expected her to answer anyway when a thought occurred to him. Maybe he should just go inside? No, he wouldn't normally enter any of the crew member's quarters without permission, but... This was an emergency of sorts...and if she wasn't really there, she couldn't possibly answer the door anyway, could she?

Well, at least that was his way of justifying it to himself as he tried to knob and found it unlocked. He swallowed hard and shut his eyes tightly, feeling guilty for going into her room uninvited without her permission.

He'd only done so once before, and that was when he knew full well she was in there. But it was warranted; she was unknowingly playing chess with Rubin Zellar, for goodness sake. Of course, her initial anger had quickly worn off once she found out that was the case, and she'd never said anything about it after that, except of course, thank you.

When he'd finally mustered up the courage to open his eyes, part of him hoped he'd see her sleeping soundly on her bunk, but no. He looked around to find her cabin was empty. He shut the door behind him and looked around. Funny, though. It was almost as though he could sense she was there recently, the light scent of her perfume still fresh in the air. It wasn't a light after-scent, not as though it had clung to some of her belongings and that was why he could smell it now. No, it was far too strong for that, almost as though it had been recently applied. He shook his head, though, realizing he had to be imagining it.

He could obviously see she wasn't there now, but... As his gaze fell to her bunk, he noticed it wasn't made. The blankets fell over the side of the bed, nearly touching the floor, and it looked like it had been recently slept in. __That's odd.__ _Kristin is always so neat and tidy._ _Unless she'd been called to medbay for an emergency, she'd never leave her bed a mess like that._ At least he didn't think so.

He was about to turn to go when he noticed a mug sitting on the table. As he walked to the table, noticed it was half full of tea…again, out of the ordinary for Kristin. She'd never leave a half-empty mug on her table, especially if she wasn't intending on coming back for days. For a moment, he almost thought he'd seen steam rising from it when he rubbed his eyes. He was obviously a bit tired, but when he looked again, the steam was still there. Unsure if he was dreaming again, he reached out to feel the outside of the mug and found it still warm. He immediately pulled back in shock.

So he wasn't crazy after all. This wasn't a dream. _This_ was something else, though he wasn't sure that was much of a consolation right now. Still he had to act fast, because he knew for sure what it meant now. He quickly left Kristin's room and headed to the ward room. He had calls to make.

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Nathan dialed Bill Noyce's number. Yes, it was early, but he had to inform him of the situation. He silently chastised himself. He should have done that as soon as he found out Kristin was missing, but then, he didn't want to believe it himself. He hadn't been thinking straight, but he gave a shake of his head, trying to rid himself of the regret. No sense in dwelling on it now.

A minute later, Bill's tired face appeared on the screen. "Nathan?" he muttered, rubbing his eyes. "Something's wrong." It wasn't a question.

"There was an accident," Nathan said, explaining how the snowstorm thwarted Kristin's miniature-mission. "It was only by sheer luck we found them, except..." He paused, swallowing hard. "Bill, Kristin's missing. She's lost in the storm somewhere. The storm was raging so badly, no one could get through. I... We need to get to her. I just checked the weather report; Snowstorm Edward is still going strong, but someone has to find her.

Bill was quiet for a long moment before he replied. "Nathan, I am so very sorry; Kristin…she was a good woman. She was a damn good scientist and an excellent doctor. And I know she was your friend. But I can't allow you or anyone on your crew go back out into that storm, not now. It's far too dangerous."

He knew Nathan and Kristin were close. And after Carol, Bill could definitely appreciate that. Nathan was his friend, and he was glad he'd found someone of the opposite sex to confide in. Perhaps there was even a budding romance there. But he also needed to bring a bit of reality into the situation.

"You're already speaking as though she's already dead," Nathan said bitterly. "You can't possibly expect me to-"

"Nathan, you seem to be forgetting one thing. I have to look at this objectively. Look, I know you and Kristin are close, and after Carol, you know I'm glad you found someone else, but...my hands are tied. The brass would never allow it either. You really think they're going to let you or anyone else from the crew risk their lives for one person?"

"We risk our lives every day for the fate of the world!" he said bitterly. "And that woman... She put her life on the line many times before. Don't you think they owe it to her to look for her if..." He shook his head. He couldn't bring himself to say what he feared might be true.

Bill sighed. "Nathan, you know I wish things were different, but I know the brass won't-"

"To hell with the brass!" he yelled before taking a breath. "Bill, she could die, and if we don't find her before... It could be too late."

"Nathan, don't think I don't understand. I really do, but I have to think about what's best for the rest of the crew. Right now, that's something you're not doing. A rescue mission in these conditions... It's too risky. You know the protocol."

"I don't give a damn about protocol right now! I am not going to sit idly by and wait." He brought his hand to the vid-link control panel, ready to cut the link.

"Nathan, don't hang up on me," his friend countered. "You better not be thinking of going against my orders. Once the brass gets word of what I think you're planning, they'll relieve you of command."

"That's a risk I'm willing to take."

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As soon as the call was finished, Nathan sighed angrily. He obviously wasn't going to get any help from Bill after all, which he found frustrating. Of all people, he'd expected him to understand, but then, Bill always was more of a military man than he was.

And when he thought about it, Nathan couldn't blame him exactly. Nathan knew the protocol, and if Bill was going to send out a rescue team, that required a full explanation to the brass. Once they caught wind if it all, they'd put the kibosh on the whole thing. Bill knew it, and so did Nathan. Honestly, had it been any other submariner, Nathan wouldn't have argued so.

There was one major difference between any other submariner and Kristin, though. Kristin _wasn't_ military. Yes, she knew what _seaQuest_ was when she signed up for it, but she wasn't expected to put her life on the line. She didn't sign up to die for her country if necessary. Certainly, she had risked her life in the past; some of their missions had been very risky, but she volunteered. She knew what could happen, and she was willing to accept it.

This time, technically, she hadn't been on a military mission, but that was beside the point. He knew she hadn't anticipated anything like this was going to happen at all. He was the reason she had gone in the first place, so he felt an obligation to attempt to rescue her, no matter how futile it seemed. If the brass wouldn't approve it, that was fine. He didn't care; he'd go alone if he had to. He just couldn't give up on her...not yet.

He looked at the clock. It was nearing 0700 hours. The day crew would be up and about, getting ready for their watches. The brass couldn't order any of them to help, but... He could ask for volunteers. He'd discuss it with them at the morning staff meeting, he decided. Suddenly, however, his PAL beeped, interrupting his train of thought.

"Bridger," Nathan he said, trying to sound cheerful, but knowing he fell short of that.

"Captain? I'm sorry to bother you so early; I hope I didn't wake you," Joshua said.

"Not at all," Nathan replied, hoping he sounded less grumpy. "What did you need?"

"Good to know. Uh, I just wanted to inform you that Lucas, Ben…well, nearly everyone's awake. Lucas has been asking for you."

"Thank you," he replied. "Tell him I'll be there shortly." He put his PAL back into his pocket. Originally, he hadn't factored in a stop at medbay into his morning plans, but he then realized that they might be able to shed some light onto the situation.

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Once in medbay, Nathan was met by Joshua. "How are they?" he asked.

"Doing fairly well, under the circumstances. I'll keep them in medbay the rest of the week and possibly next week. I fear we've got several cases of pneumonia on our hands, but they're all getting antibiotics, and they will all make a full recovery, I promise you."

Nathan nodded before lowering his voice. "Do they remember what happened…with Kristin?"

"It hasn't come up yet. None of them are speaking much, and I thought... It might be better if they'd heard it from you."

"Mum's still the word; I'll be making an official announcement to the crew later, but... I was hoping the patients might be able to give us some clues."

Joshua placed a hand on his shoulder and gave it an encouraging squeeze. "If you need any help…"

Nathan offered him a weak smile. "Thanks," he said before turning towards Lucas' room. "I'll say if I need you."

As soon as he appeared in the doorway and saw Lucas' face, his heart melted. Lucas was lying back, watching some old cartoon on the vid-screen, but he wasn't really paying attention. He knocked gently on the door frame and Lucas turned to him and smiled.

"Hey, Cap..." he said quietly before coughing roughly.

He waited patiently for Lucas to quiet, wishing he could trade places with him. "Hey there, kiddo," he told him, gently ruffling his hair before taking a seat next to him. "Dr. Levin said you'd been asking for me." He reached over and shut the cartoon off.

Lucas nodded. "I…I'm sorry," he said softly.

"Oh, Lucas." Nathan carefully wrapped him in his arms. "You don't need to apologize. I'm just glad that you're safe." He then released him and helped him lie back. "Is that why you've been asking for me? Because you thought I was angry with you?"

Lucas shrugged. "Well after the hurricane incident…and now this, I…I thought…"

"Lucas, no…I could never be angry with you, not for something like this. You know I care about you…just as much as…as much as anyone here." He took his hand in his and squeezed it gently. "I'm sorry you're sick now, too."

Lucas shrugged and a long moment of silence fell around them. Nathan lovingly ran a hand through Lucas' hair, brushing a few stray pieces off his forehead.

Lucas finally broke the silence. "She saved me."

"What?"

"The..the doc," the boy said, "she saved me. I…I almost died, and she…the water was freezing. I don't even know how she did it. It was all a blur, but... I...I was ready to give up when the boat hit the rocks, and the next thing I knew, we were in the water. I didn't... I couldn't swim fast enough. It was so cold. I couldn't move. Suddenly, I…I felt strong arms go around me. I have to wonder how she was able to lift me. She had to have been just as cold as I was. She was shivering, but I...I heard her voice. She…she…she told me that I had to help her…that we had to swim together."

Lucas' eyes glistened with fresh tears, his voice trembling as he spoke. Nathan placed a gentle hand on his arm. "Lucas, you don't need... It's all right. We can talk about this later."

Lucas waved him off, however. "Somehow, we made it. We...we made it back to the others," he said, wiping at his eyes. "The commander, he...he grabbed my hand. I felt the doc push me towards him. She…she saved me. She could have gone in my place, but she didn't..." Lucas finally let out a sob, causing him to cough again, but he was able to calm down enough to continue. "And…and then... The commander...he tried. She was there one second and then... I…I watched the water take her, and she was... She was just gone...and there was nothing I...could do!"

Lucas finally succumbed to his tears, and Nathan couldn't do much except wrap his arms around him once again, hoping to ease his pain just a little. As he did so, he felt his own throat tighten with emotion, nearly on the verge of tears himself, but he forced himself to remain strong. "Ssh," he whispered, rubbing Lucas' back gently. "Please, don't cry. It's okay. It...it'll be okay."

Several minutes later, Lucas quieted, and he sniffled against Nathan's shoulder. "Did…did they find her?"

Nathan hesitated. For a brief moment, he thought about not telling the truth, but he knew that wouldn't be fair. Lucas deserved to know. "Not…not yet, kiddo. The storm…"

Lucas pulled away. "Why...why are you in here with me then? Why aren't you out there looking for her? You have to find her! She…she could die if-" Another coughing fit wracked his body, cutting him off.

"Lucas, believe me, I know," Nathan said when the teen's coughs had stopped once again. "I promise you I'm going to do everything in my power to find her. I just had to get a plan together. I just spoke with the admiral, and as soon as I'm finished with you, I'm going to organize a rescue team." He put an arm around his shoulders. "I won't rest until I find her."

Lucas' features seemed to relax. "If…if she dies, I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive myself. She...she _saved_ me."

Nathan couldn't help but pull him into another hug. "I…I know, kiddo, but believe you me, I don't think she's regretting it, even now." He had trouble keeping his own voice steady. "We...we just…we need to stay positive now. I'm going to bring her back. It won't be long before she's lecturing us all once again. I promise. You just rest and try not to worry about a thing."

Lucas nodded and obediently closed his eyes. "Just hurry."

"I will, kiddo; I will."

_-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_

Though he'd made quick visits with Ben and Jonathan, they didn't know any more than Lucas; Kristin was there one minute and gone the next. All Nathan could do was assure them he'd find her and be sure that they rest.

One hour later, it was time to hold true to his promise

As the remaining senior staff gathered around the ward room table, Nathan delivered the difficult news yet once again. "...and unfortunately, the UEO would rather we wait until the storm lets up. I, however, don't want to wait. I don't care if I have to go out there alone, I'm not going to play the waiting game, since time is obviously of the essence in a situation such as this." He paused and looked around at the solemn faces. "If you decide you'd like to help, I would be forever grateful. However, I also can't guarantee there won't be reprimands from the brass when all is said and done. Please know I won't think any less of you if you refuse, and I highly doubt Doctor Westphalen would either. She wouldn't expect anyone to risk their jobs for her."

After a pause, Katie finally spoke, glancing at her colleagues, "Sir, I think I speak for the rest of us when I say that none of us wants to let the doc die, not if we can do something about it."

"That's right, Cap," Crocker said with a nod. "I know I'm in."

"So am I," Miguel said.

"Me, too," replied Tim.

In fact, no one refused at all.

"Thank you all," he replied, putting an arm around Katie's shoulders. That means we have work to do. Commander, I'll need you to take the bridge. Mr. O'Neill, Mr. Ortiz, Chief Crocker, you three will be on a launch with Dr. Levin and myself. We don't have time to waste."


	8. Seduced By The Promise Of Bliss

**Gulf of Alaska, launch MR-8**

"Damn it," Nathan muttered under his breath.

They'd been searching through the small area of the gulf where the others had been. They'd even found more remains of the _Serenity._ Unfortunately, they couldn't find Kristin. On Joshua's suggestion, they hadn't left the launch since the snowstorm was still raging. He felt it far too dangerous to be out in the elements.

The problem was that once the launch surfaced, there was little visibility. They had to keep descending into the water and resurfacing in order to clean the ice and snow from the wind shield about every ten minutes, making it very tedious. Nathan quickly became frustrated, since they'd been out for nearly two hours and had made little headway. In a situation where time was all that mattered, they couldn't keep on this way.

"We're not getting anywhere," Nathan said. "Mr. Ortiz, pull up onto shore."

"Aye, sir."

Joshua, however, became dismayed. "Captain, I hope you're not thinking of going out there."

"And what if I am?"

"In this kind of weather, hypothermia and frostbite can set in within minutes."

"Which is exactly why we can't keep dawdling around," Nathan replied. "I know the risks, and I'm willing to take them." He walked to the back of the launch to change into the winter gear stored in the back compartment.

When the launch came to a halt, Nathan reemerged and said, "No one else is being forced to leave the safety of the launch. Certainly, I won't argue with you if you decide to join me." He turned to Joshua. "I promise I won't get myself killed. I just... I have to try."

With a nod, he opened the hatch and stepped outside. Immediately, he was met with a gust of wind that caused a chill to push through the small gap where the zipper wasn't quite pulled up all the way on his parka. He promptly forced the zipper up, trying to ensure he wouldn't lose any body heat unnecessarily.

He took a deep breath, the icy air causing his lungs to ache, but he hadn't time to reflect on that, knowing he had to focus. He trudged through the blanket of snow that covered the ground and began searching for any sign of Kristin.

After some time had passed, he stopped for a short rest. He turned to look behind him, noticing he couldn't even see the launch anymore, nor could he see anyone else. He wasn't terribly surprised, however. Putting their lives on the line for something that wasn't even UEO-sanctioned? He couldn't expect that. He sighed, deciding he'd rested long enough. He was, thankfully, still warm, so he couldn't waste it.

As he did so, he hoped he'd find some sign, some clue Kristin had been there. He also knew the likelihood of even finding her alive. In such conditions, the fact she'd still be alive at all was a long-shot. Still, she...she was a smart woman, he reasoned, and he felt the need to remain positive, hope for the best. The fact he'd seen her... Well, that told him she wasn't gone... _not yet._ And if he had a say, he was going to make sure she wouldn't be leaving any time soon.

As he looked around, however, he saw nothing but white. In what he knew was probably a futile effort, he cupped his hands over his mouth and called, "Kristin! Can you hear me? If you're around, give me a sign?" _Any sign_ , he thought desperately.

His only answer, however, was the howling wind. As much as he hated to admit it, Joshua had been right. There was no way they were going to find anything in these conditions. _Or was there?_ A sudden thought occurred to him. He'd had that dream. His eyebrows knitted together as he tried to remember. Did anything around him seem familiar?

It was hard to tell; he couldn't see much detail, but... He'd spotted some familiar-looking rocks. Well, at least in his mind, they were familiar. He was starting to feel the effects of the cold, his toes starting to feel chilly, but he ignored it and started walking again. If he found her, it would all be worth it anyway.

Once he'd reached the rocks, he looked around. Drifts of snow created mounds and dips all over. If she was there, she was under the snow, he was sure of it. He knelt down, digging through the snow with his hands and calling, "Kristin? Can you hear me?"

As he was digging, however, he found nothing...except more snow. He let out a defeated sigh, knowing he was going to have to turn back, as the cold was finding its way to his other limbs, making them difficult to move.

As he started on his path back to the launch, he shuddered slightly when he thought about Kristin's petite frame being exposed to the icy conditions. If he was cold while wearing protective clothing, what was she going through? The chances of finding her actually alive seemed to get smaller by the minute. "I'm sorry, Kris. I really am," he muttered. "If you're out here...just try to hang on a little longer. I'll come back. I promise."

Still, as he continued walking, he kept his eyes peeled for any sign of her, yet he saw nothing but snow and ice.. And then another thought came to him: Carol. Though he hadn't told anyone, he was still convinced she had helped keep Kristin, Lucas, and the others safe during the hurricane. If she could do that, couldn't she help Kristin? Couldn't she at least make sure she stayed alive until they could find her?

Nathan took a deep breath and closed his eyes, imagining he was looking at her smiling face on the hologram monitor. "Carol, please, stay with her. Give her the strength to survive. And make sure she knows I'm coming for her. Tell her I won't leave her. Please? I love you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin when he felt a hand on his arm. It took him a few moments to realize it was Joshua.

"Are you all right, Captain?"

Nathan nodded. "I'm cold, but I'm fine. I was just...taking a little rest. I was on my way back to the launch."

The younger man nodded. "I know you had your heart set on finding her today, but..."

"You were right, but like I'd said, I had to try. We'll come back when the storm lets up."

The two started back towards the launch. When they're finally reached it, Nathan turned to look behind him. _I promise I'm coming back for you, Kris._

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_**seaQuest** _

Once they returned to _seaQuest,_ Joshua insisted on giving Nathan a full examination to be sure he was in perfect health after being out in such treacherous conditions.

After he'd listened to his heart and checked his other vital signs, Joshua said, "Well, you appear to be fine, but I don't think it would hurt for you to take the rest of the day off."

"I feel fine. I don't need to be put on bed rest, too."

Joshua nodded. "I guess I'm just being cautious." He paused. "Off the record, Captain, can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"After being out there in that storm..seeing its full force... You do realize we might not find her, don't you?"

Nathan looked down at his hands. "Yes...I realize that is a possibility."

Joshua gave his shoulder a squeeze. "I know how…difficult it is to accept that. It's going to be hard for all us to accept, but I think you know it's going to be the hardest for you...because I know you feel responsible." He sighed. "And I want you to know I hope things change, but... Well, since we're only patrolling, I think it would be in your best interest to retire for the day. Reflect on the fact she might not come back. Then, if it comes to light that she is indeed gone, it won't come as quite a complete and utter shock."

"I appreciate what you're trying to say. I really do, and I...I understand it, but I promised Lucas I'd stop by again. He's going to want to know what happened."

Joshua gave a quiet nod. "Maybe we can compromise then? You go back to your quarters and rest for a while. Lucas isn't going anywhere. You can come see him later. Does that seem feasible?"

"Fine, you win. I'll go rest for a while, but if Lucas asks-"

"I won't tell him anything," he promised.

"Thanks," Nathan replied. "For everything."

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In his room, Nathan lay back on his bunk and thought about everything Joshua had said. Much as he hated to admit it, he knew he may never see Kristin alive again. He sighed, hoping for a miracle, but all the thinking suddenly made him feel drained. He shut his eyes to rest them, and it wasn't long before he fell asleep

The next thing he knew, he heard his PAL beeping. When he opened his eyes and glanced at the clock, he saw it was nearly 1700 hours. He reached for his PAL and hit the button. "Bridger," he said, trying to rub the sleep from his eyes."

"I hope I didn't wake you," Joshua said.

"It's all right," he replied, trying to sound sober. "I was just doing what you'd suggested."

"I'm glad. I just wanted to let you know Lucas is awake and has been asking for you. He keeps asking about Dr. Westphalen, and while I've told him I didn't know anything, I'm not sure how much longer I can keep lying to him. I've brought him some of his music and his tablet computer so he can play video games, but-"

"It's fine," he interrupted. "I see what you're saying. He must be feeling better."

"I'd say. So you'll come speak with him?"

"I'll be right there. Thank you, Joshua."

"Thank you," Joshua replied before cutting the link.

_-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_

As soon as Nathan entered medbay, he could hear heavy metal music from one room in particular. He paused and listened for a moment. Led Zeppelin, 'Stairway to Heaven'. He turned the corner and paused in Lucas' doorway.

The teen was in bed with his tablet computer on his lap, shooting sounds coming from the speaker. "Take that, Lord Zertog!" he said.

Nathan laughed softly. "Feeling better, I see."

"Yeah...whatever Doc Levin gave us, it's a miracle cure." He then betrayed himself by having a coughing fit. "Well, I'm not cured yet, but I do feel better. Honest."

"I'm glad," Nathan replied, moving to sit down.

"So…what's the word on the doc?" Lucas asked. "Dr. Levin keeps saying he doesn't know anything. Did you find her?"

Nathan hesitated. "We...we tried, Lucas. _I_ tried, but...the storm is far worse than you could ever imagine. It's not safe to be out there for too long. Not only that, no one can see a thing out there in the snow and wind. Much as I hated it, our best option was to come back and wait for the storm to let up before we try again."

"Wait...so that's it? You're just going to leave her out there?" He coughed violently again. "You...you promised me you'd save her!"

"And I'm still going to hold true on that promise...or try. But it's easier said than done right now. Believe me, I'd give anything to have her back here safe and sound."

"Yeah, right," Lucas said bitterly. "I can really tell."

"Now, that isn't fair. You know I care about her, and I damn well wouldn't leave her if I could get to her. In your heart, you know that." He placed a hand on his arm. "I know you're angry, but _I'm_ angry, too. I wish I could get to her. I wish I knew _exactly_ where she was. If I did, don't you think I'd be out there right now, no matter how bad that storm is? You know I wouldn't rest until I got her back here!" He paused, realizing he was yelling. He took a deep breath, softening. "The problem is that _none_ of us knows exactly where she is. Right now, all we can do is hope that we'll find her when we can get back out there. Got it?"

Lucas nodded quietly, lowering his gaze.

Nathan ruffled his hair. "I just want you to know I'm not angry with you...and I know you're not angry with me. We just...we need to stay positive."

"I...I'll try," he replied quietly.

"Good. Well, I'll leave you to your rest. Don't stay up too late. Goodnight, kiddo."

_-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_

Nathan headed back to his quarters. He needed to be ready, just in case his hypothesis concerning Kristin was correct. And if he was correct, that meant Kristin would be knocking on his cabin door any minute now. He changed into some khaki pants and a button down denim shirt: his casual look and set to work on making dinner.

He was making shrimp and pasta with vegetables, something he knew he could whip up quickly. When the food was finished, he plated it up and set the table. He then lit the candles and placed a bottle of wine on the table. Perfect, he decided.

A moment later, as expected, there was a gentle knock on the door.

"Come in," Nathan called, breathing a sigh of relief when she entered his room, wearing a light blue sundress with a white cardigan around her shoulders.

"Hello," she said softly, glancing towards the table. "Oh, something smells delicious."

"Glad you could make it," Nathan replied. "You look lovely."

She chuckled softly. "Thank you. And I wouldn't miss this. Did you think I had some other obligation?"

Nathan shrugged. "Well, I wasn't sure." He pulled out her chair and motioned for her to sit before opening the wine and pouring them each a glass. "I hope you're hungry."

"Starved," she said. "Thank you so much for this."

"It was my pleasure," he said with a smile, raising his glass to her.

_-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_

After the meal, Nathan shared some stories from his past with her. "...and I played shortstop on my high school's baseball team. That's how I ended up dating the head cheerleader," he said with a wink.

"I never knew you liked baseball," Kristin replied.

"Of course. And you know, there is the big UEO Navy/Army baseball game every year. It's coming up. You should come. You know, we're always looking for extra players."

She quirked an eyebrow and shook her head. "Nathan, there's a reason I'm a doctor and nothing more. I was never very good at sports. In fact, I'm horrible at them. No coordination whatsoever. I couldn't even make cheerleader. Trust me, you don't want me on your team. You'd lose."

He waved a hand. "It's not about winning. It's just for fun. Towards the end of the tour, we start practicing. I can give you some pointers…"

"Just for fun? Since when is the UEO about doing things just for fun? Don't you remember what happened when General Clayton visited? You two were competing in every little thing. I'm surprised you didn't have an eating contest."

"Who says we didn't?" he teased. "But I see your point. Well, just think about it, okay?"

Kristin sighed. "Fine, I'll _think_ about it, but I can't make any promises."

"I'll accept that. So, what about you?"

"What about me?" Kristin asked before downing the last bit of wine from her glass.

"Tell me about the young Kristin. What were you like? I told you about me."

"Only that you played sports and dated the head cheerleader. That's not a whole lot to go on."

Nathan conceded. "Fine…you tell me something, and I'll tell you more. A trade, of sorts."

"Very well, but _I_ get to choose what you tell me," she said with her 'cat that ate the canary grin'. "Please?"

"You know, you drive a hard bargain," he said with a smile, "but it's a deal."

"Well, in secondary school, I was quite the opposite of you. I was shy, reserved."

Nathan raised an eyebrow. "You… _shy_?"

She gave his arm a gentle push and laughed. "Yes, as shocking as it is, I was very shy. I found it difficult to make friends. I went to Saint Bernadette's Academy and-"

A brow rose. "I never imagined you as a Catholic school girl."

She nodded. "Well, my mother wanted us to have a proper education. Even more shocking was we aren't Catholic. Oh, no, we Westphalens followed the good old Church of England, but there were no protestant schools in our district. So that was the next best thing. Oh, but the nuns adored me."

"I'll bet they did," Nathan teased.

"I was a very good student. There was one who even called my mother and insisted I'd be the perfect candidate for conversion. Mother simply thanked her and hung up the phone, and I was too young to protest. Apparently, I had been visiting the chapel and praying to the Virgin Mother, and Sister Agatha had taken notice."

"So, you were a shy, religious, book worm when you were younger?"

Kristin laughed. "You make it sound incredibly boring." She shrugged. "Oh, wait…I guess I _was_ incredibly boring. It...it really wasn't until I'd attended university before I came out of my shell. And not long after that, I met Cynthia's father…and that's that."

"I take it that's a sensitive subject?"

She nodded, lowering her gaze.

He placed a hand over hers. "Then I won't pry."

She turned back to him, giving him a soft smile. "I appreciate that."

"More wine?"

"Please," she replied, holding her glass out to him as he refilled it and taking a sip. "So, I guess it's my turn to ask you something."

"So it is," he said with a nod.

Kristin stood, her glass of wine still in her hand, thinking. She walked to the book case in the corner where Nathan had various pictures along the top of it. She took another thoughtful sip as she scanned them. There was one of Nathan when he was younger, straight out of the academy. Kristin noted how handsome he looked but moved on.

There were photos of various military awards ceremonies. The last photos were of his son, Robert and Carol. Kristin picked up the photo of Carol. She turned and looked back at Nathan, who was watching her intently. She motioned to the picture in her hand. "She had kind eyes."

Nathan gave her a knowing smile and a slight nod.

"W-would you mind…telling me about her? Please?" she asked gently. "I know it's hardly fair of me, considering I won't tell you about my ex-husband, but..."

"She was…a lot like you, actually," Nathan said after a moment of thought, walking over to her and taking the photo from her hand and staring at it.

"Like me?" she repeated, a brow raised. "How so?"

"Well, she didn't like sports for one…of _any_ kind. She'd never play in the yearly baseball games either, even though I'd ask her every year.."

"Smart woman," she muttered.

"She wasn't too fond of the military and their protocol either. In fact, she'd hated it when I was away at sea. All she'd wanted was for me to be home with her…" He suddenly trailed off, staring down at the photo once again.

Kristin noted the sadness in his eyes, suddenly feeling guilty for asking him. She placed a hand on his arm. "Nathan, you don't-"

No...it's okay," he said, waving her off. "I'm fine." He sighed. "Sometimes, I wonder what she saw in me. We were opposites in so many ways."

"Well, they do say opposites attract."

He nodded, motioning to the photo again. "This…this was taken the day we moved to the island. She...she was so happy that we'd finally be together, happy that I'd retired."

"I think I would have been, too," she said.

"But she'd never asked me to retire until after Bobby..." He took a shaky breath. "And after that, I couldn't say no to her anymore."

"You...you're a good man," she told him. "Anyone can see you two loved one another very much. I wish I could have known her."

"I think she would have liked you," Nathan said, putting the photo back in its rightful place.

Kristin felt her cheeks go warm. "Well, had she known me, I don't think she would have liked the fact I'm having dinner with her husband."

Nathan laughed. "That's not exactly what I meant. I mean-"

She placed a hand on his shoulder. "I know," she said with a nod. "It's just... _Do_ you think she would approve? Of this? Of you and me?"

"Being close, you mean?"

She nodded quietly.

"Well, part of me likes to think she had something to do with this…all of this. So for that reason, yes, I think she would definitely approve." His brow furrowed. "Why?"

She shrugged and lowered her gaze. "No reason. I just... I wanted to know, that's all."

Only he gave her a doubtful look, and took her hand, pulling her towards the sofa. "Carol was a terrible liar, too."

"What?"

"I think we need to have a little talk," he explained. "Sit."

She did as she was told. "We've been talking all evening."

"Yes...but not about this." He took her hand in his and squeezed it gently. "I think it's apparent we both care for one another very much, but I think we're both afraid to admit it..."

She sighed. "Nathan, you're still in mourning and… I... Well, in case you haven't heard, I don't have the best track record when it comes to men. I really think-"

He placed a quieting finger to her lips. "Please, just listen. I care for you, Kristin. Very much...and I don't give a damn about what I've heard. What matters is what's going on right now...and, well..." He then leaned forward and kissed gently.

At first, she wasn't sure what to make of it, but she then closed her eyes and kissed him back.

When the need for oxygen became paramount, Nathan broke the kiss. "I hope that squashes any doubts in your mind."

She nodded. "So...now what?"

"We take it one day at a time," he replied. "Slow and steady."

She smiled. "I think I can handle that."

_-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_

They continued to talk quietly about anything and everything, but as the evening got later, Kristin was having a difficult time focusing.

"As much as I've enjoyed the evening, I really should go," she said, trying to stifle a yawn. "Besides, don't you need to get up early?"

"Yeah, _someone_ needs to work around here," he teased, kissing her on the forehead. "That bruise looks a little better, though. Did you have Levin look at it?"

"I did stop by his office, but he wasn't there." She shrugged. "I feel much better today, though, really."

"Good," he said with a nod. He almost hated to see her go, knowing he might not see her again, but he had no good excuse to keep her there. "See you tomorrow?"

"I promise. If not, come find me." She kissed his lips softly. "Goodnight, Nathan. Thank you for a beautiful evening."

"Goodnight, Kristin," he said as she left his room.


	9. We Soon Forget

As Kristin was on her way to her quarters, she happened to notice Katie at the other end of the hallway. Since she hadn't seen her since she'd been back, she smiled and waved, but Katie didn't return the gesture. The younger woman was looking in the other direction.

 

Thinking she was lost in thought, she approached her carefully. "My, you're up late."

Only Katie didn't answer. She turned to look at Kristin, only she wasn't looking at her. She was looking past her.

"Katie, dear?" Kristin said again. She moved to place a hand on her shoulder, but it went straight through.

At first, Kristin shook her head, thinking she must have misjudged where to put her hand, so she tried it once more.  And again, her hand went through Katie's shoulder. "What in the world?" she muttered.

She shook her head once again. No, this couldn't be happening. Things like this only happen in fiction. One more time, she tried putting her arm around Katie's shoulders. Yet again, it went clean through.

Kristin ran a hand through her hair. This couldn't be happening. She had to be dreaming...wasn't she? Only she'd just been with Nathan, and she knew that wasn't a dream. It couldn't have been.

Suddenly Katie turned and looked directly at her.

"Katie?" she said weakly. "Katie, can you hear me?"

She received no answer. Instead, Katie walked past her as if she wasn't there at all.

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After cleaning up, Nathan sat down on his bunk, reflecting on the evening. He was happy...somewhat anyway. He'd finally told Kristin how he felt about her. It was just too bad it wasn't exactly real. Well, it was, and it wasn't. Oh, it had indeed happened. The question was if Kristin would remember it...and if she would come back to him.

When he'd had such encounters in the past -if 'encounter' was even the right word- he'd never seen the others alive again. So did that mean-

He shook his head. "You can't think that way. This time... It might be different."

Only he didn't sound very convincing. Still, he didn't want to think about it anymore. He rolled over and tried to find a comfortable position. He just wanted to go to sleep, wanted to forget about the events of the day and start again tomorrow.

"Then, I'll find her," he breathed. He only hoped she'd be alive when he got there. He shut his eyes, said a quick prayer for her safety, and drifted off to sleep.

_-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_

_When he woke, he was standing on the beach of his island. He looked around and saw a blonde-haired woman in a long, white dress standing several feet away from him. Though her back was turned, he felt she looked familiar to him. He approached her carefully and placed a hand on her shoulder, and she turned to face him, a warm smile on her face._

" _Hello, darling. I've missed you terribly."_

" _Carol, how did you-" He placed his hands on her shoulders, looking her up and down, unsure if she was real. "How is this-" He pulled her into his arms, and she felt so...warm. "Oh, sweetheart," he said softly, tears springing to his eyes. "I... I never thought I'd be able to do that again. It's been so long." He buried his face in her hair and breathed in. She smelled like roses. He'd forgotten..._

_"I've missed you, too, dear...more than you know," she replied, gently pulling away from him. "But... You need to understand I can't stay. This is just...business."_

_"So this is a dream after all?"_

_"Of sorts," she said with a nod, taking his hand in hers. "Come walk with me."_

" _Where are we going?"_

" _You'll see."_

_Suddenly, there was a flash of light, and in a split-second, they were standing in front of a brick house. Nathan looked around; they were no longer on the island._

" _Where... Where are we?" he asked in surprise._

" _You'll find out. Let's go inside," Carol told him. She started up the pink and red flower-lined walkway, opened the door, and stepped inside without knocking._

_Nathan's brow furrowed in question, but he followed her. When he stepped inside, he came upon a small entryway, which led to a living room. The first thing he noticed was that everything in the home seemed so neat, tidy, and organized. Absolutely nothing was out of place. There were wooden floors, but there was a beige-colored area rug with a pink and green floral pattern. On the back wall stood a large book case filled to the brim. Beside it stood a china cabinet. A fireplace sat in the far corner of the room where various framed certificates were hung on the wall above it. The other walls had framed paintings and shelves with various knickknacks, but nothing looked tacky or overdone. Not only that, the colors of the room matched the colors in the area rug. No, whoever lived her had impeccable taste and a good eye for decorating._

_He couldn't quite tell whose home this would be, however. His eye fell to the mantle above the fireplace, which was lined with various photographs in frames. He looked at Carol, who nodded her permission, so he moved to take a closer look. He examined them carefully, but he didn't see anyone he recognized until he saw one of a young man on the far right._

_Where had he seen the man before? he wondered, as he picked it up, trying to jog his memory. Suddenly, he noticed a small patch on the man's shirt: J. West- The rest of the name was hidden, since the man's arm covered the rest, but he was almost sure who it was. He put the photo back where it belonged and turned back to Carol. "Is this-"_

_She nodded quietly when Kristin entered the room. At first, Nathan wasn't sure what to do. He looked back at Carol, but she said nothing. Wouldn't Kristin be upset about them walking into her house uninvited?_

_All those worries drifted from his mind when he stared at the woman before them. Nathan suddenly noticed she looked a little younger. She was dressed in blue jeans and a T-shirt, and her hair was much longer, hanging loose over her shoulders, but she looked beautiful._

_"You're in love with her," Carol said softly._

_Nathan felt his cheeks redden, not realizing Carol had been staring at him. His breath caught in his throat. "Carol, I... I didn't..."_

_She laughed and placed a hand on his arm. "It's all right. You can admit it. It's not like I'm around anymore, and...I never expected you to remain alone for the rest of your life."_

_"I just never thought my deceased wife would meet my new love interest," he said, with a shrug. "_ _I'm not sure if I'm even ready to start again."_

" _Yes, you are." She turned her attention back to Kristin. "If you haven't already guessed, she can't hear or see us. Just watch."_

_Nathan turned his attention back to her. Kristin was sitting on her sofa, a book in her lap, papers strewn about her, taking notes on whatever she was reading. "What book is that?"_

_As if on cue, Kristin picked up the book as she changed positions on the sofa, the title clear to him now:_ **_Topography and Thermal Range Variances in Our Changing Oceans_ ** _._

_Nathan suddenly remembered the day he and Kristin had met; she'd told him she knew his work. Still, he hadn't realized she'd read it with such...enthusiasm. He was about to ask Carol something else when Kristin spoke._

_"That doesn't make_ **_sense_ ** _," she muttered, her eyebrows knitted together in confusion She then turned the book around to the back cover and read quietly for a few minutes.. She then stood and crossed the room, heading to the vid-link where she punched a number into the keypad and waited._

_A man's face appeared on the screen. He was about the same age as Kristin, Nathan guessed, with dark hair and blue eyes. "Kristin, what a surprise. It's been a long time. How've you been? Still teaching at the university in England?"_

_"Dr. Ted Schneider," Carol told him. "An old friend of hers and fellow scientist. They call him 'the brain', because he tends to keep tabs on other scientists around the world."_

_Nathan nodded and turned back to Kristin. "Yes...it's been too long, Ted," she said with a nod. "I'm still teaching at the university_ **_and_ ** _working the night shift at the hospital. However, I'm hoping that's only temporary. I've actually just applied to a different sort of science program, but I don't know if my application has been accepted yet."_

_"My, you do keep busy. When do you sleep?" Ted asked with a grin._

_"Oh, believe me, I find the time."_

_"Well, don't keep me in suspense. Where is this new position of yours?"_

" _Would you mind if I don't say yet? I don't want to jinx it."_

_"I understand," he said with a nod._ " _So how have you been otherwise?"_

" _Frustrated...and I was hoping you could help me. I'm trying to prepare a lecture for my next class, and I'm having a little trouble. I've been reading Nathan Bridger's work and-"_

" _Nathan Bridger," he said. "I'm somewhat familiar with his work."_

" _I thought you might be, but...I was hoping for a bit more. Do you happen to know how I can reach him?"_

_"I know_ _**of** _ _him, but I don't know him personally."_

_Her smile faded. "That's not what I wanted to hear. I was hoping to speak with him in person."_

_"And you thought I'd just have his number lying around somewhere?"_

_"I did, yes. They don't call you 'the brain' for nothing." She shrugged. "It's just that I've been reading his book, and I have some questions. I'm a little confused, and I thought that if I'm going to explain it to my students, I ought to understand the subject matter myself. You wouldn't happen to know anyone who might know how to get a hold of him, would you?"_

" _Kristin, honey, you don't watch the news very much, do you?"_

" _Well…not lately. Why?"_

" _Look at the copyright on that book in your hand," Ted told her._

_She obediently opened it and looked. "2014." Her brow furrowed. "What does that have to do with anything?"_

_He sighed._ " _In case you haven't noticed, it's_ _2017, and I'm going to bet that's the only book you found he's written?"_

_She nodded._

" _There's a reason for that, and there's also a reason he hasn't written anything new lately. And I doubt you'll see anything from him again_ _. Word is, he's become a hermit, lives an island in the Yucatán."_

" _Yes, well, his bio says he lives on an island with his wife...only I still don't see-"_

_Ted shook his head. "That's why you need to get your head out of those books once in a while. There is no wife anymore. There was a news story about it all last month. His wife contracted some sort of tropical disease, and she died suddenly. Bridger isn't coping well. Some say he's lost his marbles. He's cut himself off from the rest of civilization. No one can get through to him."_

_Kristin clicked her tongue. "You're absolutely sure there's just no way to get a hold of him?"_

_"I really am sorry," he said. "Even if Bridger was accepting calls, I don't know anyone who knows him personally. Do you think I can help you with your problem?"_

" _Not unless you happen to know about the geology of the Atlantic as opposed to the Pacific and how that's changed since the beginning of time."_

" _Sorry, they don't happen to teach that to biologist."_

" _I didn't think so," she said with a weak smile. "Thanks anyway."_

" _Anytime. Take care of yourself. And let me know if that other position works out for you."_

_"I will," she said. "You, too. Goodbye."_

_Once she cut the link, she sighed. "Unreachable," she muttered, looking at the book in her hand. "Well, I guess it's back to the drawing board for a_ **_new_ ** _subject for tomorrow's lecture. Guess I won't be getting much sleep after all." She placed the book back in the book case. "Sorry, Nathan Bridger."_

_Nathan turned back to Carol. "She'd told me about this...the day we met."_

" _I know," Carol replied._

" _Is that why you brought me here?"_

" _Not exactly. I'm showing you the point where your fate changed."_

" ** _My_** _f_ _ate? But...Kristin didn't know me then."_

" _You're right, she didn't…not in the physical sense. But your work definitely sparked her interest. Why do you think she wanted a position on the_ ** _seaQuest_** _so badly?"_

_He shrugged._ " _Well, it sounded to me like she wasn't getting much sleep, what with teaching and working the night shifts."_

_"No, it was because of_ **_you_ ** _. She knew_ **_seaQuest_ ** _was your brainchild."_

" _I'm afraid I don't quite understand... Are you saying she landed a position on_ ** _seaQuest_** _just so she could speak to me about my work?" He shook his head. "But she didn't even know I'd be the captain. That didn't happen until much later."_

_Carol rolled her eyes. "Oh, Nathan, I love you, but sometimes, you really are clueless." She sighed. "Yes, she knew you wouldn't be there. That still didn't stop her from hoping you two might cross paths one day. Do you remember the moment you two met?"_

" _How could I forget? She was giving Commander Ford a tongue-lashing."_

" _And do you remember what happened after that?"_

_"Of course. It wasn't that long ago_ _. She hadn't realized I'd been watching, and seeing her in action... Well, it was quite a sight. Not only that, she is quite funny when she's doling out insults. I couldn't help but laugh, and she turned on me. Only when she found out who I was, she changed her tune."_

" _And?"_

" _And that's it," he replied. "I really don't see-"_

" _I know you don't." She crossed her arms. "I'm going to have to spell it out for you, but considering everything that's happened, I can't blame you. Didn't you notice the change in her demeanor?"_

" _Her demeanor? No…I mean... Well, like I said, her anger melted away when she found out who I was, but..."_

" _Bingo."_

" _What?"_

" _Think about it, Nathan. Look at that woman," she said, motioning towards Kristin. "What do you see?"_

" _I see…I see a woman who…"_

" _Yes?"_

_Nathan looked back to the mantle, eyeing the various certificates and honors she'd received in the span of her career. "Has had to work hard her whole life," he finished._

_"A_ _nd?"_

_Nathan though hard, only he didn't quite understand what Carol was getting at. "I...I don't know."_

" _Her whole life, she's had to prove herself," Carol explained. "Being a woman, she was looked down upon by the men in her field...that was until she showed them she was as intelligent as they, if not more. That day with Commander Ford, she was doing that same thing: trying to prove herself. She'd have done it with you, too, only something changed in her that day. Do you know what that was?"_

_He shook his head._

_"Y_ _ou s_ _aw her as a person, Nathan. You showed her you saw her for who she was, not_ _**what** _ _she was. And the moment you decided to stay on_ **_seaQuest_ ** _was the moment that changed both your lives forever. You were a buffer; you quickly proved that you were a comrade, that you were on her side. She knew she could trust you. You weren't the military types she was used to." She paused and placed a hand on his shoulder. "Of course, I knew she'd be good for you as soon as I saw her."_

_A brow rose. "You? You mean you...had a hand in this?"_

_Carol smiled. "I wish I could take credit for it, but no, we don't have any influence over the lives of humans. We simply make wishes and hopes, just like you do. I wouldn't change anything, though. If I can't be with you, I'm glad she is." She then held out her hand to him._

_When he took it, there was another flash of light, and they were back on the island._

_"Walk with me," she told him._

_They walked in silence for what seemed like a long time when Carol stopped and turned to him._

" _Do you know why I came to you? What all this is about?"_

_"I don't..." He lowered his gaze. "I'm not sure I want to know..."_

_She placed a hand on his arm. "You need to know," she said softly. "You never wanted her to go on that expedition."_

_"Well, in case you haven't noticed, she's not the easiest person to say no to."_

_She laughed. "And you were worried...for good reason, too."_

_"Only_ _I can't change what's already happened."_

" _No, you're right. Even if you'd have said no, the universe would have found another way. Some things...they're just meant to happen no matter what, you see. But you_ _ **can**_ _rectify it. You already know what you have to do."_

" _I tried, but I couldn't find her." He shook his head. "And I'm afraid I might be too late. I might have already lost her..."_

_"No, you haven't...not yet. She still has time."_

" _But the storm..."_

_"The storm is letting up_." _She stood before him, both hands on his shoulder. "Don't you see, Nathan? She's still alive. I will admit, her time is running out, but she still has some. I've made sure of that."_

" _You?"_

" _You don't think I'm going to let the second woman you've ever loved leave you? Well, as I said, we can't interfere, but we **can** help. I'm going to help any way I can." She placed a hand on his cheek. "Oh, Nathan, I do miss you, but you know why I can't be with you anymore. " She sighed. "But Kristin still has a chance, and it's all up to you. Don't let her slip away, too."_

" _I won't, I promise…but how do I-"_

" _Don't let her slip away…"_

_-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_

Suddenly, his eyes snapped open, and he pushed himself up, running a shaky hand through his hair. He'd seen Carol in dreams before, but this was the first time she'd ever spoken to him. Normally, when he'd dreamt about her, he'd be the one talking, and she'd just stand there, smiling at him. Of course, this wasn't a normal dream. This had been something else, he was sure of it.

He rubbed his eyes, glancing at the clock, seeing it was 0300 hours. _"The storm is letting up,"_ Carol had told him. He had to check. He opened his laptop and opened the weather reports for the Gulf of Alaska. Sure enough, the headline read: _Snowstorm Edward Finally Leaving the Gulf Area._

He quickly dressed. Though he knew he'd have to wait until daylight to act, he wasn't going out blind this time. Before Kristin had left, she'd shown him a map of the gulf area. He was hoping it was still in her room, giving him a clue to where she might be. As he was putting on his shoes, he happened to see a note. His brow furrowed. Why didn't he see it before? It read, _"Come find me,"_ in Kristin's handwriting.

He sighed. "I'm working on it, sweetheart, I promise." He folded it and put it in his pocket before making his way to Kristin's room.

Just in case, he knocked on the door, but she didn't answer, so he walked inside and looked around for the map. The last time he'd seen it, it was on her desk while she was packing, but it wasn't there now.

" _See?"_ she had said. _"We'll only be in this little area. There's nothing to worry about."_

Nothing to worry about, indeed," he muttered, taking a deep breath and moving towards her desk. Perhaps she had stuffed it inside one of the drawers? He began rifling through one of them when he heard sniffling. Confused, he turned around, seeing Kristin sitting on the floor with her knees pulled up to her chest. Her head was buried in her hands, and she was crying softly.

He carefully approached her, putting a hand on her trembling shoulder. "Kristin?"

"Why...why didn't you tell me?" she said through her tears.

"I... At first I wasn't even sure what was going on," he said with a shake of his head. "And when I did figure it out... I thought it was better for you to find out for yourself. You didn't seem to remember anything, and I-"

"Well, I remember now!" she cried, shaking her head. "I just don't understand it. One minute, I was on Jeffrey's boat, and the next..." She buried her head in her hands once again.

He wrapped her in his arms. "I...I know, but it's going to be all right. We'll...we'll figure this out."

She pulled away from him, however, wiping at her eyes. "Nathan, _please_. I need you to tell me the truth." She took a shaky breath. "Why? Why are you the only one who can see me?"


	10. That Nothing's Happened Yet

At first, he was unsure of what to say. Though he'd anticipated the moment when she'd finally realize something was off, he hadn't planned on what he was going to say to her. "Kristin, I..." he began, but as soon as he looked into her dark eyes, he froze. Telling her the truth was going to break her heart, and he didn't want to be responsible for that.

"Nathan?" Her voice was barely above a whisper. "Please...I _need_ to know."

"It's…it's a long story," he finally choked out, moving to sit next to her.

She laid her head on his shoulder. "It...it doesn't look like I'm going anywhere," she said in a shaky voice.

Nathan sighed and put his arm around her shoulders, hoping he could offer some sort of comfort. "It…it all started when I was at the academy..." He told her all about the simulation and Sam. "The simulation...it didn't end well."

"Oh, no," she breathed. "Did he... Did he die?"

He nodded quietly. "We both did. I...I remember seeing a light…and I remember seeing my lifeless body on a hospital bed. I was standing in the middle of that emergency room...and it was like a bad dream. I was watching doctors and nurses trying to revive my body, but I...I couldn't feel a thing. I didn't feel anything. And suddenly, Sam was standing next to me…" He trailed off, a lump forming in his throat and tears pricking the corners of his eyes. He swallowed hard, trying to keep them at bay, knowing he had to push on for her sake. When he spoke again, however, he could hear his own voice trembling. "He...he'd said that it wasn't my time…that I had to go back, but he…he couldn't come with me. I'd tried to argue." He shook his head. "That...that wasn't how it was supposed to be. I couldn't leave him, but...it was just too late. Sam disappeared. I...I remember screaming at him, begging him not to go, but...he was gone. Next thing I knew, I was back in my own body. That's when the doctor had told me that they'd tried to save Sam but couldn't. And then the doctor had said that the universe was giving me a second chance for a reason and that I shouldn't...I shouldn't waste it..."

Though he'd been trying to hold it in, a few tears slipped down his cheeks. He wiped them away, trying to compose himself when he noticed her staring at him, her own eyes glistening with tears. She put a comforting hand to his cheek, brushing away a stray tear.

"And after?" she asked quietly.

He put his hand over hers, her touch making him feel a bit calmer. "I...I had a difficult time moving on. I...I felt so guilty. Why was I the one who lived and why... Why did Sam have to die? It…it wasn't fair, and... I couldn't live with myself. I didn't _want_ to live with myself." He shrugged. "Before the accident, I was at the top of my rank, and after Sam died, I just gave up. I fell to the bottom; I nearly got kicked out of the academy. I just... I couldn't hack it. I was about to quit until I started getting...visitors."

"Visitors?" she echoed.

Nathan nodded. "It…it all started with Susie Cox -the head cheerleader I'd dated in high school- showed up at my apartment."

"She wanted to rekindle what you two had?" she guessed.

He shook his head. "That's what I'd thought at first, too...but the visit wasn't as happy as you might think. Oh, we'd had a nice chat. I couldn't even tell you what we spoke about, but when it was over, she gave me a hug and kiss, told me she loved me and that she'd see me again one day...but that she had to move on. I didn't realize then what she'd meant."

"I'm not sure I-"

"I didn't think anything of it until a few days later when I'd heard that she'd died a week earlier in a car crash."

Kristin breathed in sharply. "But..."

"She was the first of many. They'd always come to me, and then they'd move on. It took me a few times to figure it out, but...I was always the lucky one. They'd come visit it me just before...they..."

She swallowed hard. "Crossed over?"

He nodded. "All these people I'd loved…they'd always come to me after they'd died." He stifled a sob. "Do...do you know how many?" he asked, his voice thick with emotion. "I...I lost count after a while..." He took a shaky breath, trying to stop himself from weeping outwardly. He didn't want to lose control, but reliving all these memories...and knowing what it could mean for Kristin... It was almost too much. He buried his head in his hands, finally losing his battle, his body shaking as he cried.

He felt her arms go around him, and he tried to compose himself enough to continue. The gentle stroke of her hand along his back finally helped pull him back to reality.

"I...I'm sorry," he muttered, wiping the stray tears from his cheeks. "I…I've never really told this to anyone else."

"Please, don't apologize. You're not alone. I...I'm right here, and I know... I know how difficult this is for you. Maybe we should take a break for now?"

He shook his head. "I'm fine. And...you really need to know everything." He took another deep breath. "After Susie's visit, something told me to stay at the academy, and I supposed it was a good thing, because not too long after, I'd met Carol. I think...I think she helped me heal. I'd never told her... I...I couldn't, but I felt better about my life. I'd managed to graduate from the academy, and we got married. A year later we had Bobby. We...we had the perfect life."

"Did you... Did you keep your gift?"

"I'd actually thought I'd lost it...and I was relieved."

"I can't say I blame you...only something tells me it didn't leave you completely."

He shook his head. "Shortly before we lost Bobby, I'd taken a week of shore leave. Carol and I were living near Pearl at the time, and I'd been in town running some errands when I'd noticed a familiar-looking man. He'd flagged me down, said he'd remembered me. I couldn't place him...until he'd told me his name: __Doctor__ Frank Sullivan. He'd been the one who'd saved me after my accident. He'd invited me for a cup of coffee and a chat. He'd wanted to know what I'd done with my life."

"Oh, dear... What did you say?"

He shrugged. "Well, I'd told him about the academy, getting married, having a son. Again, though, he'd asked me what I'd done with my life. I...I'd said I didn't understand what he meant when he'd reminded me that I was given a second chance for a reason. I suppose he'd wanted to hear how I'd helped my fellow man rather than myself." He shrugged. "I couldn't think of anything, though. He then told me he was sick…terminal cancer." He sighed. "A few weeks later, I'd received a letter from his wife, Ann, letting me know he'd passed. She'd told me that he'd been in hospice for months before...in Ohio." He shook his head. "I'd realized then... There was no way he could have _really_ been with me that day in Pearl...that he'd been another visitor."

Kristin gave his arm another encouraging squeeze, and he offered her a weak smile. "Even so, he'd been trying to wake me up. After that, I did make a point to think about what he'd meant...what I was _really_ ding with my life...try to go out and do some real good. Before I could really decide what that was, however, tragedy struck. A month after I'd received Ann's letter, we'd learned Bobby was killed in action," he said, his voice strained.

Kristin took his hand in hers. "Take a deep breath," she told him. "Slow down."

He nodded and did as he was told. After a few minutes, he felt calmer once again. "I'd braced myself then. I'd waited for days...weeks, but Bobby never came to me. That's how I knew…I knew. If Bobby was gone, he'd have never left without seeing me. I know that in my heart," he said with a nod, pausing to wipe the fresh tears from his eyes. "He...he can't be dead; I just know it. I don't know where he is, but I _know_ he isn't dead. That's why I never believed it. And...that's when I decided to retire. We'd bought the island and moved. I had to…I had to get away."

After a pregnant pause, she asked, "But what about what Dr. Sullivan had said?"

"About what I was doing with my life?"

She nodded.

He shrugged. "Well, that went on the back burner. I...It's not that I didn't want to, but... It was just Carol and me, and we'd been working on healing...on getting over the loss of our child. On the island, I was able to…avoid seeing anyone else, if you know what I mean. A year later, though, reality...the universe...whatever you want to call it... It all caught up with me again," he said with a sigh. "That's when Carol... She...she got sick." He looked down at his shaking hands. "It…it had all happened so fast. One moment, she was fine...just a case of the sniffles. But by evening, she was so sick. She'd gotten this terrible fever, and she...she was so hot. Holding her... She'd burned my skin. I just...I'd tried everything I could to get her fever down. I'd stayed with her all night. I...I'd tried to stay awake, but I... I'd fallen asleep..." He trailed off, tears flowing again.

Kristin pulled him into her arms and held him, whispering to him in gentle tones. "Shh, it's..it's all right."

Again her presence helped him calm down, and he was able to keep going once again. She broke the embrace, but he held her close, still needing her strength. "By...by the time I'd woken, she was gone…only she wasn't."

"What do you mean?"

"After all the proper arrangements had been made, I'd come home to an empty house. That's when the reality had begun to set in…that she really was gone. Just when I'd thought I was going to give up again, she came back."

Kristin looked up at him, her brow furrowed.

"It was as if nothing had ever happened, Kris. She'd walked through the door and didn't seem to remember what had happened at all. For a while, I thought I'd been the one going mad...that I'd imagined her death...or dreamt it, until... The truth had come out. She'd taken a shopping trip to the mainland, and... She figured it out. And when she did, she was gone. _Really_ gone. And that's when I shut down completely." He turned to her. "Why the hell do you think I was on that island for so long by myself? I couldn't…I just couldn't handle losing someone I loved like that again. I...I thought if I'd stayed away...stopped myself from getting close to anyone, it would stop...it would all just go away. But...it didn't. It never stopped, and I couldn't... I couldn't..."

_-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_

Soft sobs escaped his throat as Kristin tried her best to help him calm down. She'd never seen him so distraught, so full of emotion. Never had she imagined he was carrying such a secret. She hugged him tightly and allowed him to let it all out.

"I...I'm sorry," he finally said, pulling away from her. "I never... I hadn't expected..."

"It's all right," she said, putting a comforting hand on his arm, but..." She bit her bottom lip. If Nathan saw people before they died... And knowing he was the only one who could see her, she had to ask. "Nathan, I...I need to understand this. If you saw Carol and all your other friends after they passed... If you can see people before they cross over, then does that mean…" She gave a shake of her head. "Did I... Am I... Am I _dead_?" she choked out.

"I... I honestly don't know," he said quietly. "Maybe not, but...I think you're stuck."

"S-stuck?"

He nodded, taking her hands in his. "You're in between... You're stuck between the realm of the living and the dead...a liminal state. Kristin, I think-"

"No!" she cried out in disbelief. "That…that can't be. There was an accident..."

"Yes," Nathan replied. "And you never came back, Kris."

She shook her head. "No…I remember being pulled into the water. But then I saw a light."

"Honey, _everyone_ sees a light. That's how it works."

Kristin put her hands on his shoulders, giving him a shake. "No, you have to find me! You have to save me! I...I came to you because I wanted you to find me! I need you to find me!" she cried, the reality of it all catching up with her. "I... I don't know how to get back. You _have_ to find me."

Nathan hugged her tightly. "I'm trying, sweetheart. God knows I'm trying, but I don't... I need to know where you are. I came to find the map." He paused. "Do you know where you are? Where your body is?"

She bit her bottom lip, trying to pull that bit of information out of the dark recesses of her mind. "I...I don't know," she said through her tears. "I just... I feel..." She wrapped her arms around herself, shivers running up her spine. "Nathan, I'm s-so cold. I d-don't know how much longer I can…"

_-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_

Nathan hugged her tighter, rubbing her arms and back, trying to keep her warm when he a realization hit him. He couldn't feel her warm body against his anymore. She was gone, disappearing into thin air.

His heart dropped to his stomach. Did that mean... He shook his head. No, Carol had told him she was still alive. He...he had... _needed_ to believe that. He wiped the tears from his eyes and face, trying to pull himself together. If he was going to find her, he needed to keep himself in check. He glanced towards the clock: 0500 hours. He had to find that map. He suddenly chastised himself for not asking her where it was. He looked around, once again moving to her desk and searching through drawers. Still, he found no sign of it. He sighed heavily and was about to compose a new plan when he noticed something out of the corner of his eye: her bulletin board.

On it was a map tacked to it with a yellow pushpin. _Had that been there the entire time?_ He doubted he'd have missed it earlier, but he hadn't time to analyze it now. He pulled the pushpin out and opened it up. Little red dots with a light yellow line marked the course she'd shown him. This time, however, something new appeared...something that hadn't been there when she'd shown him the map beforehand. There was a red circle around an area just to the right of the expedition area with the words, __Come find me!__ in black marker. He folded the map and put it in his pocket. "Don't worry, sweetheart. I'm coming," he whispered, hurrying out of the room.

_-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_

Kristin couldn't be sure what was happening. One moment, she was crying in Nathan's arms and the next she was across the room...somehow. Only Nathan couldn't see her, no matter how hard she tried to get his attention.

"Nathan!" she yelled at the top of her lungs. She was standing right next to him, screaming into his ear, for goodness sake. Still, he acted as though he couldn't see or hear her.

A hand rose to her mouth, stifling a sob. "This can't be happening. This...this has to be an awful dream...a nightmare." She then tried to put her hands on his shoulders, but they went through him...just as they'd done with Katie.

"No! Nathan! Nathan, _please,_ look at me. I'm right here! You...you have to see me!"

Instead, however, he walked through her, took the map from the bulletin board, and mutter something she couldn't quite hear.

"Nathan?" she said weakly as he left the room, closing the door behind him.

"No..." she cried, breaking down completely. She felt so alone and confused. She had no idea where she was and she wasn't sure if she was destined to stay there. What if she was destined to watch the lives of her friends and family from a distance for the rest of her life...for the rest of eternity? Could she never interact with them again? She sank to the floor, her entire body trembling as sobs wracked her small frame.

She wasn't sure how much time had passed, but she suddenly felt arms go around her. At first, however, she thought it was her imagination...another cruel joke from the universe, but then hands were rubbing her back, trying to help ease her misery. "Nathan?" she whispered.

"I'm afraid not, honey," came an unfamiliar female voice.

Kristin pulled away and stared at the woman before her in shock. "You…you're…"

The woman held out her hand in greeting. "I believe you'd said I had kind eyes," she said with a smile. "But you can call me Carol."

Kristin instinctively backed away, however. This had to have been one of the strangest dreams she'd ever had. "I…you…you're not…you're…"

"Dead?" Carol offered.

Kristin nodded, running a hand through her hair.

Carol placed a comforting hand on her shoulder. "Trust me, you're not dreaming."

Kristin's brow furrowed. She hadn't said that out loud. "How did you-"

"It's one of the perks of the afterlife, sweetie. No need to be alarmed."

Kristin suddenly felt light-headed. "I…I think I'm going to faint."

Carol shook her head. "No, you're not. You just need to understand what's going on here, and I'm here to explain it. But first thing's first." She passed her a box of tissues. "Come on, dry those tears."

Kristin stared at the box for a moment, worried her hand might go through it if she reached out to accept it.

"It won't bite you," the blonde promised, still wearing her kind smile.

Kristin took a deep breath and took the box from her, relieved her hand didn't go through it. "Thank you," she replied, taking a tissue and dabbing at her eyes. "I...I'm sorry about..."

"Don't worry," Carol replied. "I can't blame you. I know you have about a million questions running through your head at the moment, but just listen. Let me explain what's going on, and then we'll go from there, got it?"

Kristin nodded.

"Good," Carol said. "Well, as Nathan said, you're in-between. You're in a liminal state. You're not dead…not yet, so don't worry."

"How can I not worry? Did you __see__ what just happened? I'm a bloody ghost!"

Carol laughed softly. "You are __not__ a ghost. Ghosts are the souls of those who have died who aren't at at rest. __Your__ soul is just confused."

"Oh, that sounds __so__ much better when you put it that way," Kristin replied dryly.

Carol sighed, putting an arm around her shoulders. "Kristin, let's talk seriously. You really don't have much time, so I _really_ need you to listen."

Kristin, however, shook her head. "I don't even know what's real anymore. How can I possibly listen to something I can't believe?"

"Oh, I'd forgotten that you're a woman of science. You need logic and reasoning. So...you'd like proof?"

"That would help, yes."

Carol put a finger to her chin. "Well, I was going to save this for the _end_ of our conversation, but I might as well tell you now. You had a brother?"

Kristin nodded. "But how-"

"I know him," Carol continued, not stopping to let Kristin get a word in. "In fact, he was supposed be here instead, only I pulled some strings and asked for the assignment myself because of the _special_ circumstances. And James, being the dear man that he is, gave in, but he did send a message for you." She paused and patted her dress. "Now where did I put that..." She pulled a note from one of her pockets. "Ah, here it is." She opened it and read it to her. "He says he loves you and that he's so very proud of you, angel face."

" _Angel face_?" Kristin muttered. "James used to…"

"That was his pet name for you, yes?"

Kristin nodded. "To this day, no one else has ever called me that. It's sort of a long-running joke from when we were young. I played one of the angels in the Christmas pageant when I was six. And I was so very nervous. And James…you know, he was two years older than I, and he was playing Joseph. He put his arm around me, and said, "Don't worry, angel face; I'll be right on stage with you." And ever since, he'd called me angel face, _especially_ when I was feeling down."

"That sounds like him," Carol said with a thoughtful smile. "He's always trying to cheer people up on our end, too." She glanced at the note again. "He also says not to worry...and that he'll see you again one day."

"Carol, could I... Is there any way I could see him, by chance?"

"Oh, no, honey, I'm sorry. He's off on an assignment of his own. We get reassigned fairly quickly, you see. Oh, but he also told me to tell you he's always with you."

"Well, I kindly thank you for...for that."

"Proof enough for you then?"

She nodded. "So...what are you exactly? An angel?"

Carol shrugged. "You can call me that if you like. Others call us souls, spirits, ghosts. We really don't have an official name. I'm just here to help you… _and_ Nathan in the long-run."

Her brow furrowed. "But why me? Why would you, of all people, want to help me?"

"Why wouldn't I? What? Did you think I'd hate you because you and Nathan are…slowly becoming a couple?"

"Well... If I were dead, I don't think I'd enjoy seeing my former spouse romancing another woman," Kristin reasoned.

Carol took Kristin's hand in her own. "Let me put your mind at ease. I _don't_ hate you. In fact, I'm happy you two have become close. If I can't be with Nathan, _you_ are exactly the type of person I'd choose. I like you very much, Kristin."

She blushed. "Thank you, I suppose. But would you kindly explain to me then why one moment, Nathan could see me? And the next? Well, you saw…"

"I did, indeed. And I know it was quite a shock for you, but in simple terms, the reason is because you finally became aware of what was happening...that your body and soul are separated right now. Unfortunately, no one from the living realm will be able to see you again, not even Nathan, not while you're this way." She placed a hand to her cheek. "That's how it works, unfortunately."

"So...that's it? Am I... Will I... Am I going to..."

Carol put an arm around her shoulders. "Oh, no, sweetie. This is definitely _not_ it. Remember, I'd said you're not dead...not yet." She shook her head. "No, you...you still have a chance. Your body is still very much alive…for the time being, but... You do know you're running out of time, don't you?"

"Yes...though I'm not sure how I could possibly..." Her breath caught in her throat. "Am I going to die?"

"I can't answer that for you."

"What? Why not? I thought you said you knew...everything. You read my thoughts."

Carol held up a hand. "You didn't let me finish. I can't answer that for you; no one can. It's not up to me to decide. Only _you_ can answer that question."

Her brow furrowed. "You...You mean __I__ need to decide if I want to live or die?"

"Essentially, yes. Look, you're really here too early. This isn't how it was supposed to be, but sometimes, certain events can alter the original plan…like your whale expedition. No one anticipated that storm, and well…if no one can find you in the next few hours..." She bit her bottom lip. "Well, you _will_ die...and then you'll have to stay here forever." She shrugged. "But when someone is brought here too early like this, sometimes we give them a choice."

"Were...were you given a choice?"

Carol nodded. "And before you question me about the choice I made, you need to understand _why_ I chose the way I did. As Nathan had said, I was sick; I had contracted a mutated form of yellow fever. It was so advanced that before I'd died, I'd gone into a coma." She sighed. "Even if I had decided to come back, I would have still been in that coma, and there was no guarantee I'd ever come out of it. I asked to see a glimpse of what Nathan's life would have been like had I decided to stay, and..." She shuddered, shaking her head. "I...I couldn't do that to him. Had I stayed, he never would have left that island. He wouldn't have done half the things he's already done. As painful as it was, I had to leave."

Kristin was quiet for a long time, reflecting on what Carol had said. "So what are the risks if I decide to live?"

"Honey, you're a doctor. You tell me."

"Nerve damage, sensitivity to cold, possible infection or gangrene," Kristin replied in her doctor voice as if she were speaking about an unseen patient. She softened, however. "What about Nathan? Am I a detriment to him? The others? Can you show me...like you were shown?"

"I don't have that kind of power," she said with a sigh. "And I can't say if you'd be a detriment if you chose to stay, but everyone on this boat cares about you; I think you know that." She gave her a tight hug. "For you...you need to think about how your death will affect every single one of them. I know it will be difficult in the end, but..." She held her out at arm's length. "Believe it or not, there is an upside to all this; if you do decide to leave the world you know, you'll be with James. I know he'd be glad to see you, and you'd be able to visit the others."

"You visit Nathan?"

"Only in dreams; he can't see me anymore, not like you can see me. But I can come watch him, observe if I feel the need. Sometimes, it's comforting. It makes me feel...like I'm still here, even though I'm not."

Kristin nodded quietly. "But I don't… I'm not sure how..."

Carol tucked a stray curl behind Kristin's ear. "Don't worry, you have a little while to think about it. An hour, perhaps? You don't have to decide just yet, but...you need to say it soon. You're running out of time."


	11. We're Living For Moments Like This

Kristin didn't need to think twice. "I want to live."

Carol took a deep breath. "You might want to rethink that answer; I forgot to mention one tiny thing."

Kristin crossed her arms over her chest. "There's a catch." It wasn't a question.

Carol held up her hands. "Not exactly a catch, dear; more like a rule. It's just...as I'd mentioned you're here too early, so that's why you're being given a choice. However, that's only a one-time deal. That means if, by chance it were to happen again...if it weren't your time..."

"I wouldn't get the chance again?" Kristin guessed.

"I'm afraid not," the blonde woman replied, putting an arm around Kristin's shoulders. "Then you'd be here to stay."

Kristin took a moment to process what Carol had said. "Does…does that happen often?"

"Well, I'm not going to lie and say it _never_ happens because it does. Lightning _does_ sometimes strike twice...but the good news is that those cases are few and far between. One must believe that there's a reason, though. _Everything_ happens for a reason. That's our motto here."

Kristin shook her head. "But what reason would there be for anyone to be here too early _twice_?"

Carol sighed. "I honestly don't have all the answers, but I'll do my best to explain. If anyone finds him or herself here too early and is sent back to the living realm, caution usually takes precedence in his or her life then. Since you're a doctor, I'm going to assume you've known at least a few people who've had close brushes with death?"

She nodded quietly.

"And I'm going to bet they at least slowed down after the fact?"

"Yes, but..." A brow rose. "Does anyone remember what happens here...if they go back?"

Carol shrugged. "Some do and some don't. We don't necessarily stop anyone from remembering. It depends on the person. Some choose to remember while others choose to repress."

"Very well," Kristin said with a nod. "But that still doesn't explain how one could end up here too early by mistake more than once."

"Well...that's a bit more complicated, and again, I'd like to remind you I don't make the rules. This is _my_ interpretation and nothing more."

"All right," Kristin replied. "I understand, but I'd still like to hear what you think."

Carol smiled. "Okay, well... Since you're a woman of science, think of it like an experiment. Sometimes, you think one thing will happen, but the exact opposite happens, correct?"

"Indeed."

"Well, that's sort of the same situation with people. Everyone has their own path, but sometimes, unexpected roadblocks come up, as do forks in the road. When such things come up, it all depends what choices are made." She paused eyeing Kristin carefully. "Your whale expedition wasn't in your original path. Sometimes, when others' paths cross our own, that can alter events, alter destinies." She placed a hand gentle hand on Kristin's arm. "Do...do you understand what I'm saying, honey?"

"Yes... Even if one slows down after the first time, it all depends on choices and what outside factors affect those choices." She sighed. "That makes it _so_ much easier to decide now."

"I am sorry if I've thrown a wrench into things. I just wanted to be honest with you."

"I appreciate it...only there's just one more thing I don't quite understand in all this."

Carol's brow furrowed. "Yes?"

"Why didn't Nathan have a choice? He'd told me about his experience..." She shook her head. "He was here too early as well, wasn't he?"

"Great minds think alike," Carol said with a smile.

Kristin's eyebrows knitted together. "What?"

"I asked the same thing when I found out," she explained. "The answer I received? He was a special case." She shrugged. "I don't know anything more about it. Sorry."

"I see..." She paused, chewing thoughtfully on her bottom lip. "We've been talking for a while now. How much more time do I have to decide?"

"Time enough," she promised. "But I probably should leave you alone."

As she turned to leave, Kristin grabbed her arm. "Wait!" She suddenly noticed she might have been a tad too aggressive and released her. "I...I'm sorry. I didn't mean... It's just..."

"I'm not hurt," Carol assured her. "No harm done."

"I'm glad, but it's just... I don't..." she stammered awkwardly.

"Kristin, sweetheart, you don't need to explain. I know exactly what you're going through, but you're a big girl. This has to be _your_ decision. I can't do it for you, and besides, you've never really needed anyone to tell you what to do before. This isn't any different. You already know in your heart what you want."

"So...you're saying I should follow my heart?"

"You need to stop second-guessing yourself," Carol said, pulling her into her arms and kissing her forehead. "I've already told you I'm not allowed to influence you in any way. You can do this alone, I promise."

"But how do I-"

Only Carol gently pulled away from her. "No more buts. I'm going to go so you can think. I'll be back in a little while. You'll be fine."

"W-wait!" Kristin cried, only Carol disappeared into a mist right before her eyes. "Well, I guess that's that." She flopped down onto her bunk with a sigh, crossing her arms over her chest. She'd thought she'd known exactly what she'd wanted. She'd thought it was a no-brainer, but knowing she wouldn't get a second chance _if_ it happened again... It wasn't so simple after all.

Being on a UEO submarine, death was always a possibility. It came with the territory, unfortunately. Even though she was a civilian, she'd put her life on the line before. She moved onto her stomach, propping herself up on her elbows and cradling her chin in her hand. Obviously, it wasn't a requirement. She wasn't military. It was her choice. If she'd ever felt a mission was too dangerous, all she'd needed to do was say no, and no one would question her.

"If I decide to live, I suppose I'd have to do just that: play it safe," she muttered to herself. Only that would mean someone else would have to go in her place. _What if..._ She shoook her head. Could she really live with herself by knowingly putting others in danger? And if they did get hurt...or worse... No, she wasn't that kind of person.

Except in the past month, she'd faced death twice now. How many times could she keep toying with it?

That answer alluded her, and that was the difficulty. Plus, there was one other little thing making her question herself now: James.

It had been so long since she'd seen him. Tears stung her eyes as she remembered the last time she'd seen him. It had been just before he'd left on the expedition to Island 2-A47. She'd been doing her residency then, and she'd been so busy, but she'd made time for the going away party her family had thrown for him.

" _Take care of yourself, angel face," James said to her._

_She gave him a bone-crushing hug. "I'm going to miss you…so much."_

" _Hey, someday, we'll be out there together…after you've finished getting_ _ **all**_ _your degrees smarty pants," he teased. "Geologists need doctors, too."_

_She smiled through her tears. "I'd like that."_

_He made a fist and tapped her chin lovingly. "It won't be long. I'll write every day. I promise."_

" _You'd better. I love you."_

" _I love you too, sis," he said. "Take care of yourself. See you soon."_

Although she'd received a few letters, those letters eventually stopped. At first, she'd thought he'd just gotten so engrossed with his work. She'd never imagined it was something as awful as...

She shuddered at the memory, sadness and anger welling up inside her.

"You need to stop," she instantly chided herself, wiping away the tears with the back of her hand. This wasn't helping her make a decision, was it? She shook her head, deciding she needed a different strategy. She went to her desk and took out a notepad and a pen, deciding she needed to write down pros and cons. As she was doing so, however, she heard a familiar voice.

"Kristin?"

Her jaw dropped as she turned to see James. He looked the same as the last time she'd seen him, except... Part of her worried she might be imagining it. Carol had said she wouldn't be able to see him. She rubbed her eyes and looked again; he was still there.

He smiled and waved his hand. "Hi, there, angel face."

She ran and jumped into his arms, happy tears springing to her eyes. "Oh, James, I've missed you so," she cried.

James hugged her tightly. "Same here. I…I never thought I'd see you here so soon, though."

She pulled away to look at him. "Neither did I, but..." She shrugged. "Only I thought I wouldn't be able to see you."

He flashed her a crooked grin. "Did you really think I'd let you go without me seeing you first?" He shook his head. "Not in a million years. I pulled a few strings…I had to see you."

Her brow furrowed. "What makes you so sure I'm leaving?"

His eyes widened. "Well, I'd just assumed... Are you going to stay?"

"I…I don't know. Seeing you again is like a dream come true, but…" She looked around her room and walked to the small shelf where she had pictures of her loved ones there. There was one of Cynthia and one with Nathan, Lucas, and her. "This is my home…and Cynthia…Nathan and Lucas…the rest of the crew…"

James nodded. "I know. Like I'd said, that's why I wanted to make sure I saw you before you left."

"What makes you so sure I'm leaving when _I'm_ not even sure?"

He laughed softly, hooking an arm around hers. "Kristin, you're my baby sister. Even though you didn't know it, I've been with you your whole life. I've watched you get all the degrees you wanted…and even more. I've watched you get married…and divorced. I watched my niece grow up. I've seen how hard you worked for everything you've done in your life. And I've seen how close you've become with the people on this boat... Oh, and in case you're wondering, I approve."

"Excuse me?"

"Of Nathan, I mean. He's a good man, and he's good for you."

"Now you sound like Carol," she muttered.

"Good," he replied. "Carol and I talk about you two a lot, actually. All she wants is for him to be happy…and I want the same for you. You both deserve it."

"That's really wonderful to hear, but..." She picked nervously at her fingernail. "I…I'm torn. I'm not sure I can leave you."

"Oh, angel face, no…I'll be fine. I've been fine ever since I've been here. You don't need to worry about me. Just remember that this…this isn't your time. You have so much more to do in life. I know that."

"And you didn't? Your life…it was taken from you, and you didn't have a say..."

"Except it _was_ my time. I had done everything I'd wanted in life. That was it. I didn't need more than that. Yes, it hurt. It hurt to leave you and Mum and Dad, but that hurt goes away. And we'll all see each other again someday."

"So...you're telling me I _should_ go back?"

"Not at all," James replied. " _I_ just don't want to be the reason you stay. You shouldn't do it for me, if that's what you're thinking."

She sighed. "All right, I promise."

He pulled her into another hug. "You're going to be fine, Kristin. You always are. Just remember, no matter what, you won't be alone."

She buried her face into his neck, breathing in his scent one last time. "You're going to leave me now, aren't you?"

He gently pushed her away and took her hands in his. "I have to. I have other people to help. This was just a quick stop on my way through."

"I...I don't want to say goodbye," she told him, her voice trembling.

He shook his head. "It's _not_ goodbye. It's more like...see you later. Okay?"

She nodded and hugged him tightly once again, allowing a few tears to slip down her cheeks.

Finally, however, James had to pull away from her. "I have to go, angel face. I'll be seeing you."

"I...I love you," she whispered.

"I love you, too, sis…always," he said with a wave before he disappeared into a mist, leaving Kristin alone with her thoughts once again.

Wiping the tears from her cheeks, she moved to her bunk again. She understood she had to do this alone, but what she didn't understand was why everyone, in their efforts to help, only seemed to confuse the hell out of her even more. She pulled her notepad off her desk. She had to do this right, and this was the only way she saw fit.

_-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_

The first thing Nathan did was call an emergency staff meeting...well, for what staff he still had available. If he was going to convince any of them that this would work, he needed to plead his case...and that meant showing them a map.

However, he felt like the map from Kristin's room was meant specifically for his eyes only, so he took the liberty of finding a new map via the Internex and then used the original map as a guide to mark the course.

Once everyone had taken their seats, he began lobbying for Kristin's life, explaining why they couldn't give up. "Since the storm is letting up... Well, call it intuition or whatever you'd like, but I... I just can't believe she's lost forever. We... We have to try at least one more time."

Joshua was the first to speak. "Captain, I don't think anyone's denying that we need to hold out hope, but...you saw what it's like firsthand. Even now that the weather is cooperating, how do you expect to find her when we don't know where to look?"

Nathan pulled up the map and pointed. "We know that the _Serenity's_ last known location was to the east of the peninsula. I think we need to look in this area right here. I'm certain we'll find her."

As he turned back to the group, however, he noticed several raised eyebrows. He mentally prepared himself as Joshua opened his mouth to speak.

"That's exactly where we were yesterday. You...you do realize that, don't you?"

Nathan didn't miss Joshua's patronizing tone, so he bit his tongue to avoid saying anything snarky in response. He couldn't blame Joshua...or the others...for thinking he might have gone off the deep end in the past twelve hours. If the tables were turned, he'd think the same thing. "Yes, Doctor, I do realize that, thank you," he said, realizing he sounded sterner than he'd intended. He took a deep breath and softened, his voice becoming quiet yet insistent. "Look, I know what you might be thinking...and I really have no explanation. I just have a gut feeling, and once again, I'm not forcing any of you to come with me. I...I should hope you'd want to help for Dr. Westphalen's sake, but I also realize taking a chance on hunches sounds...a little crazy."

He shut his eyes tightly. Did he really just tell his crew he was going off of all this on a gut feeling, a hunch? If he didn't quit while he was ahead, he feared Joshua might speak with the brass about a psychological evaluation. "I mean..." Only he stopped short, unsure just how he was going to talk himself out of this one.

To his relief, however, Katie nodded. "I think the captain's right."

"You do?" Miguel said.

"Well, yes," she replied. "Don't you... Look, guys, do any of you _really_ want to see the doc gone? Forever?" She shrugged. "I don't know about the rest of you, but I certainly miss her. Nothing's been the same since she's been gone, and we owe it to her. We owe it to her family. We have to try again."

"I agree with you, Commander," Joshua replied. "I really do. Yes, I think we owe it to her to try to find her. But in the same area? On a _feeling_?" He shook his head. "I'm just not sure I can understand that logic."

Nathan pinched the bridge of his nose. They didn't have time for debate, and neither did Kristin. If they didn't get to her soon, it would be too late. "I-"

Katie interrupted him, however, blue eyes still fixed on Dr. Levin. "Did you search every inch?"

"Excuse me?" came Joshua's reply.

She motioned to the map. "Well, that's a pretty large area. Surely, you couldn't have combed every inch of it with the snow and all."

Nathan couldn't help but grin. At least one person was on his side.

"Fine," Joshua relented. "I see your point." He eyed Nathan. "I am sorry for questioning it."

"It's all right. As I said, I understand." He clapped his hands together once. "Much as I love speaking with all of you, though, I need to get going. As before, this is a volunteer-only mission. You know the risks."

Joshua raised a hand. "I don't think any of us is going to let you go alone."

A brow rose. "Are you sure, Doctor? I can't say I don't understand your reservations. If you'd rather stay here, that's fine."

The younger man shook his head. "Dr. Westphalen is more important than my reservations."

The others echoed their agreements, and Nathan wondered if Kristin realized how much the crew really loved her. "Thank you so much," he told them, glancing at the clock. "Commander, I'll need you to take the bridge, if you don't mind. Then Chiefs Crocker and Ortiz and Lieutenant O'Neill, Doctor Levin, I'll see you in launch bay in twenty minutes, give or take?"

"Aye, sir," they said as they started filing out of the room.

Nathan, however, wanted to speak with Katie personally. "Commander?"

She walked back towards him. "Sir?"

"I just wanted to thank you for your help."

She gave him a smile. "I was only explaining how I felt. It was nothing."

"That nothing could indeed be something, especially if it saves the good doctor's life."

Katie lowered her gaze to the floor. "Well...I had to try."

He nodded, putting an arm around her shoulders. "I'm going to do my damnedest to bring her home."

She looked into his eyes and said sincerely, "I have faith in you."

"Thank you." He paused. "You know, she'd have been proud of you."

Katie's brow furrowed. "But I'd... Like I said, it was nothing."

Nathan shook his head. "No...it was something she'd have done. Exactly as she'd have done."

The younger woman smiled. "Well, we'll just have to tell her all about it when she comes back, won't we?"

He gave her shoulder a squeeze and walked her out of the ward room. "Indeed, Commander, indeed."

_-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_

Though she'd stopped her tears, Kristin's emotional turmoil was still going strong. She had scribbled down all the pros and cons on her notepad, but when she'd finished, both seemed to have an equal amount of reasons, which wasn't helping her with her decision.

"Oh, this is impossible!" she cried, burying her face in her pillow and yelling into it.. "I wish I'd never have gone on that blasted expedition in the first place."

A hand on her shoulder caused her to jump, and she turned to see Carol.

"I didn't..."

"I know, sweetie," Carol replied, moving to sit next to her. "I know you're not going to want to hear this, but...you're on crunch time now."

Kristin sighed, sitting up and laying her head on Carol's shoulder. "But I'm not any closer to deciding. At this point, I'd settle for drawing out of a hat."

Carol put an arm around her. "You know that's not going to work. You'd never be happy that way. You need to make your decision now."

"I can't…"

"Yes, you can. You've known all along what you wanted. You're just letting guilt cloud your vision."

Kristin's mouth fell open. "But how did you-"

"It comes with the job, remember? If you stay, you're worried about hurting everyone in the living realm; if you leave, you're worried about hurting the ones you love that are already here."

Kristin nodded quietly. "I don't know what to do."

"Well, first thing's first, you need to forget about everyone else."

Kristin's brow furrowed. "But how can I do that when my decision would affect every single one of them?"

Carol, however, didn't offer her a reply. Instead she stood and crossed her arms over her chest. "You need to clear your head. Close your eyes."

"But-"

She shook her head. "No buts. Close your eyes."

Kristin sighed and did as she was told.

"Now think about what _you_ want. Don't think about James or Nathan or anyone else. Don't think about what you think it is _they_ want you to do. Think about what _Kristin_ wants to do."

"Think about what I want?" Kristin repeated.

"You don't sound very convincing," Carol noted.

"Think about what I want," she said, this time being sure she sounded confident. She took several deep breaths, helping her clear her mind. As difficult as it was, she forgot about James, forgot about Nathan...forgot about all her family and friends for a moment. And then it finally hit her like ton of bricks. She could finally see clearly exactly what it was she wanted.

When she opened her eyes again, she saw Carol staring at her intently. "You certainly look calmer."

"I know what I want now." Her brow furrowed. "Do I need to say it out loud?"

Carol shook her head. "I've known all along what you were going to choose. You just needed to know in your heart that it was right."

Kristin nodded quietly, but she couldn't help but have one more worry. "I do have one more question, though. My body... Will I have any long-term effects from the cold?"

"Ah… Well, I knew you'd ask that. Well, as I've told you, I've been watching over Nathan all this time. And since you've come into his life, I've been watching over you, too."

"You have? But I thought... You never mentioned..."

Carol laughed. "Did I? Well, I suppose it slipped my mind. Sorry. Yes, I have been watching out for you. You've heard of guardian angels?" She took Kristin's hand and gave it a shake. "Nice to meet you. As I said before, some people call us angels. Really, we're just here to help the rest of you. Anyway, as I said, I like you. You're good for Nathan, and I can see why he cares about you. Therefore, I've done what I could to protect you. And it's been no different during the storm. I couldn't prevent the storm nor could I prevent the accident. But I could manipulate certain elements of the storm. I was able to ensure that enough snow covered you to sustain an adequate enough body temperature, and I'm sure you remember the life raft?"

"Yes, but-"

"It's been blocking you from the wind. I know this hard for you to understand, but you're going to be physically fine, for the most part. Doctor Levin will say you're just very lucky…because that's usually what the living say when we intervene like that. There's no other explanation for it," she replied.

"I…I don't know how to thank you," Kristin told her, moving to pull Carol into a tight hug.

Carol hugged her back. "Just take care of Nathan, and that will be thanks enough." After a few minutes, however, she had to break the embrace. "It's time now, honey."

Kristin nodded quietly. "How...how does this work?"

"Just close your eyes, and I'll handle the rest."

Kristin took one last look at Carol, trying to etch everything that had happened into her mind; she didn't want to forget. After a deep breath, she closed her eyes when she suddenly felt something strange. She tried to open her eyes, but she couldn't. It was as if they were glued shut. She opened her mouth the speak, but no sound came out. She then felt as though she couldn't breathe, as if someone had knocked the wind out of her. _Help,_ she thought, before suddenly feeling as though she was going to faint. She felt herself falling to the floor, and then everything went dark.

_-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_

**Gulf of Alaska**

Once the launch had reached the shore, the group dressed in winter gear and moved onto land. Nathan said, "I think if we split up, we'll cover more ground."

"Make sure everyone has a PAL unit, flares, and a med-kit in case something goes wrong," Joshua told them.

Nathan watched as each of them started off in a separate direction. Nathan turned and did the same, only with all the snow, he couldn't tell exactly _where_ he was going. The only difference between this time and the last was that the sky was clear and the wind was calmer.

He walked for quite a while, but he didn't see anything out of the ordinary…nothing that would suggest that Kristin was there. He wasn't sure if he should start digging or how exactly he was supposed to do this. He sighed in frustration and looked around, turning in a circle. _White, white, white, orange, white._

He paused. _Wait a minute_ , he thought. _Orange?_ He wasn't sure what the bit of orange in the distance was, but none of the others seemed to notice it. His gut told him he had to check it out.

He walked for what seemed like a long time. As he neared the orange object, however, he could see it was a raft…or at least it had been. It had definitely taken a beating by the storm, torn, deflated, and having bits of ice and snow sticking to it.

For some reason, he had a feeling Kristin was in this very area. He started removing the snow that lay on top of the raft, and when it was free, he pulled on it, throwing it off to the side.

And that's when he saw her. She was covered in a blanket of snow, only her face visible, her eyes closed.

He swallowed hard, unsure if she was alive. He removed his gloves and gingerly touched her cheek with his fingers. Cold as ice. He put his gloves back on and started to dig. He had to get her out of that snow. Once she was free, he felt for a pulse. He held his breath in worry until he felt the gentle thumping against his two fingers. It was faint, but definitely there. Oh, but she was so cold.

Nathan took out his PAL. "Joshua?"

"Yes, Captain?"

"I've found her. She's alive…but her pulse is very faint."

There was a long pause. "The rest of us are together. Light a flare, and we'll come to you."

Nathan paused to do so, only that was when he'd noticed he'd dropped the bag, and it had gotten partially wet from the snow. He bit his bottom lip. Would the flares be damaged?

He opened the bag and tried one. Either it was too wet or it was a dud. He tried the other and got the same result. Too afraid to waste the third, he put the PAL near his mouth again. "I dropped the bag of flares in the snow. They're too wet."

A pause. "It's okay. Just tell us where you are, and we'll come to you."

Nathan looked around. Describing his surroundings wasn't going to be easy. "Look for the bright orange. We're near the _Serenity's_ life raft."

"We'll be there as soon as we can. Hang tight," Joshua told him, cutting the connection.

Nathan sighed, knowing it might be a while before the others reached them. He knew what he had to do. If he didn't act fast, Kristin could lose what little body heat she had left. He unzipped his parka and took it off. Then he took off his sweater and his undershirt until his bare skin was exposed. He then took Kristin's limp body in his arms, unbuttoned her wet sweater, and pushed it off of her.

He then pulled off her T-shirt and held her close, gasping slightly at the feel of her cold skin against his. But it was a small price to pay for her life. He held her tightly and whispered,"You're going to be fine, Kristin, you're going to be fine." He only hoped that was true, and he hoped the others would hurry.


	12. So Hold Me, Whisper Gently

**Gulf of Alaska**

Nathan wasn't sure how long he and Kristin were out in the cold, but it seemed like a lifetime. He had changed positions many times, wanting to be sure he kept Kristin as warm as he possibly could, but in doing so, he'd wasted energy, wasted his own body heat.

Admittedly, he was having a difficult time keeping his mind off the cold. He tried focusing on his breathing, watching the white puffs of steam rise above his face every time he exhaled. He felt his eyes starting to close when he shook his head, determined to stay conscious. He wanted to make sure he was aware of everything around him.

His brow furrowed, wondering how long it had been since he'd spoken with them. He checked over his shoulder on occasion to see if he saw anyone coming near them, but all he saw was white. No figures on the horizon coming near them. No sign of rescue. _Just white._

It blinded him, and he had to shut his eyes for a few minutes, allowing his eyes to readjust. When he opened them again, he hoped to see something different, but to no avail. He swore under his breath in frustration and turned his attention back to the woman in his arms. He had finally found her, but that wasn't going to do much good if he couldn't get her back to _seaQuest_ very soon.

He debated if he should carry her back to the launch. Kristin didn't weigh much, so doing so wouldn't be a problem, but trudging through the snow and getting back to the launch with her in his arms would pose a challenge.

He couldn't help but worry the others were going to have a difficult time finding them, so he got out his PAL unit and paged Levin. "I was just wondering what type of progress you'd made," he said, trying not to panic.

He waited for an answer, but none came. He waited what he felt was an ample amount of time and tried again. "Joshua, do you copy?"

_Static._

He frowned. Had he gotten his PAL unit wet, too, or were they just too far away to hear him? Or worse, had they found some trouble?

He tried the other connections and got the same result.

"Damn it," he muttered, reaching for his bag and pulling out the driest flare. It was a long-shot, but it was all he had. He said a silent prayer and nearly jumped for joy when it worked. He then held Kristin close in his arms once again. "It shouldn't be too much longer now."

_-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_

His body began shivering as he tried to fight the cold and keep Kristin warm. How long had they been waiting now? He didn't want to release his hold on Kristin to look at his watch, but he guessed it had to have been at least half an hour, give or take. _**What**_ _is taking them so long? Had they seen the flare?_

He carefully shifted and readjusted his position to look around. _No sign of life._

He took several deep breaths, knowing he couldn't keep waiting. He was going to have to make it back to the launch on his own, but he'd need to do a little preparation.

First, he picked up his sweater and put it on her. Then he pulled his parka on over that and zipped it in order to keep her warm. He couldn't put her own clothes back on her because they had gotten too wet from snow, and that would only have defeated the purpose. He then pulled his wet undershirt over his head and took the survival blanket from the med-kit and wrapped it around him. At least it was something. When he was through, he effortlessly lifted Kristin into his arms and started walking in the same direction he'd came.

He did his best to follow his footprints, although some of them were now eroded from the wind. But after a while, he found that he became quite exhausted. And his limbs were freezing. He couldn't feel his feet anymore, and that made it difficult. His hands hurt, even through the gloves he wore. He'd gone maybe half a mile when he had to stop and rest. He saw a small formation of rocks nearby. He laid Kristin down on one of the flat ones and sat beside her, worrying his efforts to do something so ambitious might have been for naught.

He sighed, running a hand along her face. "I'm so sorry. I tried…but… I don't know how to get us out of this mess now."

Only he knew he couldn't give up. _Not yet._ He'd come this far, and he wasn't about to quit now. He'd promised the others, promised her he'd bring her home safe. When he felt he'd rested long enough, he lifted her up once again and continued on his way.

After a while, however, he started to tire. The cold permeated his entire body, and he could barely feel his legs. Worse, his vision started to blur. His eyelids forced themselves shut. Nathan shook his head, trying to stay focused.

He tried concentrating on his breathing as he struggled to keep his mind focused. One short breath resulting in a frosty puff after another. "One." And another. "Two." And another still. "Three."

While the counting helped, it was short-lived, and he quickly lost momentum.

"S-seventeen!" he choked out, his whole body aching as the cold pierced his skin, bit at his cheeks. Every breath caused a sting of pain in his chest.

"Thirty...th-three!" he muttered, but consciousness was fast-evading him.

"Thir-" He finally fell to the ground, his body deciding it was too great an effort, and the darkness consumed him.

_-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_

"Captain? Captain?"

Hands on his shoulder slowly pulled Nathan back to the light. His eyelids didn't feel quite as heavy, so he peered up at Joshua through half-lidded eyes.

"Captain, sorry it took a little longer than anticipated. We're just going to lift you up on the stretcher here. Don't worry…the doctor's already being carried back," Joshua told him.

Nathan tried to speak, but it sounded like gibberish.

"Don't worry about a thing," Joshua said. "You're going to be fine."

Nathan then felt his body being lifted, heard Joshua calling out instructions... A few minutes later, he felt warmth, and he closed his eyes again.

"There, you are." Joshua gave his shoulder a squeeze. "Don't worry about a thing. We'll take care of you."

Nathan nodded, suddenly feeling a wave of darkness wash over him again.

_-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_

" _Nathan?"_

_Nathan was lulled out of the gloom by a familiar voice, though it wasn't Joshua this time. He opened his eyes to find he was once again standing on the beach of his island in the Yucatán; when he turned he saw Carol standing before him, a smile on her face._

_"Hello, sweetheart," she said._

_He nodded._ " _I'm glad to see you again..." He looked over Carol's shoulder, and then he looked behind him. No Kristin. He sighed dejectedly._

_"You're looking for her?"_

" _Yes…where…did she…" Nathan trailed off, too afraid to say the word._

" _No, she didn't," Carol said, placing a comforting hand on his shoulder. "She's fine…and so are you…although it was a close call for a moment. You're both resting in medbay now."_

_He took a few moments to process what she'd said when a realization hit him._ " _This…this was the first time…" Nathan shook his head. This was the first time someone he'd seen hadn't died, but he was too afraid to mention it, as if saying it might destroy what had already happened._

_He didn't need to, however._ " _So it was," Carol said softly. "How do you feel about that?"_

" _Well...if what you said is true...that Kristin will be okay...then I'm happy."_

" _She is going to be just fine…after some rest," she said with a nod. She then cocked her head and gave him a look. "Is that all, though?"_

_He shrugged. "You tell me._ _Should there be more?"_

_She gave him another smile. "You remember what Frank said to you that day?"_

" _Frank? You mean Dr. Sullivan?"_

_Carol nodded._

" _Of course…he said..." Then he stopped short, glancing at Carol's mysterious smile. Was she really trying to tell him...? He shook his head._ _No, it couldn't be._ _"There has to be a reason why you're getting a second chance." Frank's words sounded fresh in his mind again._

_After a long, pregnant pause, Carol said, "Destiny works in a mysterious way, doesn't it?"_

" _I…I thought you said that you have no control over the lives of humans."_

" ** _We_** _don't," Carol replied, "but I know you believe in a Higher Power who does."_

_A brow rose._ " _So…you're saying this was set in stone? A long time ago?" He shook his head. "That my second chance was only for her? But what about...?"_

" _Possibly…perhaps not right away, but I think someone somewhere knew what was going to happen," she reasoned. "And, no, she probably isn't the only reason you were given a second chance, but...in all honesty, I don't think any of this was quite by accident. You and Kristin are bonded for life through this experience. Even if it comes to be that you two are separated, you'll always have this bond."_

_Nathan couldn't mask his panic. "What do you mean?" He couldn't imagine_ **_seaQuest_ ** _without Kristin._

_Carol held up her hands. "You needn't worry yet. All I'm saying is that you two may not work together forever. It all depends what path you both decide to take."_

" _I'm not sure I understand..."_

_She took a deep breath. "Destiny isn't always an easy thing. Essentially, every person does have a destiny mapped out…well, rather_ **_destinies_ ** _. Which destiny that's followed is your choice, depending on what path you choose. The same goes for Kristin, Lucas…every person in your life right now. You realize that could easily change at the end of the tour. Some will move on…and that's life."_

_He nodded, knowing he'd seen many people come and go that way over the years. "But with Kristin?"_

_"I can't say because I don't know…but my point is that I think you two will always remain in touch. And perhaps more than that, if you so choose."_

_"All right..." He paused. "Does this mean the spell broken? That I won't see…anyone else again?"_

_Carol laughed softly. "Oh, Nathan. Don't you see? There's a reason you were given such a gift. You already know your mind is open to such abilities. Savannah Rossovich told you that months ago, but this wasn't some curse brought upon you by some evil entity. You really need to stop seeing it as such."_

" _I…I don't…"_

_Carol gave him a doubtful look. "Perhaps not with Kristin, but before her?"_

_"Well, it wasn't always an easy thing to deal with..."_

" _No, of course not, but you do know that saying: that you're not given anything you can't handle? Well, apparently it was believed that you could handle it. And you_ _ **have**_ _. So whether or not this is the last time, I can't say. It all depends, but whatever happens, I'm sure there will be a reason for it. For everything, there is a season, you know."_

" _Is this the last time…I'll see you?" Nathan asked after a long pause._

_Carol moved closer to him and wrapped him in a hug. "You'll see me when you need me in dreams, but you need to realize you really_ **_don't_ ** _need me anymore...not like you used to. You've known that for a while. You've got so many people with you who care about you now... You're going to be just fine."_

" _I love you…I'll always love you," he whispered._

" _I know…and I love you…but we both know that you need to move on. You've already started to do that, but...you've also been resisting." She pulled away to look into his eyes. "I'm telling you now you have my permission. Go ahead. I just want to see you be happy."_

_Nathan brought his lips to hers for a goodbye kiss. "I'll miss you, kiddo."_

" _You don't need to forget me," she told him. "I'll always be with you, Nathan."_

_-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_

**_seaQuest_ **

Nathan awoke with a start, coughing. It took him a moment to realize what was happening when he felt a straw touch his lips.

"Drink."

He did as he was told, letting the cool water quench his parched throat. Then he turned to focus on the mystery person, seeing Ben smiling at him.

"Glad to see you back among the living," he said with a shrug. "We've all been taking shifts. I sent Lucas to bed an hour ago. We're all feeling much better. Dr. Levin's antibiotics did the trick."

"How…how long have I been out?" Nathan choked out.

"Two days," Ben replied, "but Dr. Levin expected that. I should probably go tell him you're awake."

He turned to leave, but Nathan put a halting hand on his arm. "Kristin…is she…"

"She's in the next room; she hasn't woken up yet. Admiral Noyce contacted her daughter, Cynthia. She arrived yesterday." He shook his head. "I don't think she's left her mother's side since."

Nathan simply nodded, suddenly feeling exhausted despite the fact he'd just woken up.

Ben gave his shoulder a gentle squeeze. "I'll be right back."

_-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_

A short time later, Dr. Levin appeared at his side. "Ah, glad to see you're awake, Captain. How are you feeling?"

"Like death warmed over," Nathan muttered.

Joshua laughed softly. "That's to be expected. I'm going to be honest with you. You were slightly hypothermic when we found you, and you also had some minor frostbite; nothing too serious, but you'll probably have some permanent cold sensitivity."

"I see," he replied, though he didn't really care about himself at the moment. "And Kristin?"

"Is alive because of what you did," Joshua said. "That was very smart, what you did trying to generate body heat. Surprisingly, the only injuries she sustained was a gash on her head and some broken ribs, along with some minor frostbite and hypothermia. I'd almost say it was like she was touched by an angel. I'm quite baffled as to why she doesn't have anything more than that, but I'm not going to question it."

"How…how long before she wakes, do you think?"

Joshua shrugged. "I really can't say. That all depends on her, but I wouldn't worry. I promise she's going to be fine."

"I think it comes with the territory...the worry, I mean."

"Well, be that as it may, you still need your rest, so please try not to. I'm just going to check your vitals here, and then I'll give you my assessment." Joshua continued with an examination. After several minutes of checking his breathing, heart rate, and the like, he took the stethoscope out of his ears and wrote something down on a chart.

"So, what's the damage?"

"Your vitals are normal, so that's a good sign. If everything goes well, I may release you by tomorrow night. We'll see...but for now, you rest. See you later."

Once alone, Nathan lay back and closed his eyes when he'd heard footsteps.

"Don't mind me, Cap," Ben told him. "You just rest. I'll be here if you need anything."

Nathan nodded. "But I'm really not that sleepy. I just woke up." He opened his eyes and looked at him. "Why don't you put a movie on?"

"You sure?"

"Yeah, I'm sure. It'll definitely pass the time."

Ben grabbed the remote and flipped through the channels. After about fifteen channels, he motioned to the screen. "Oh, hey, _The Gladiator._ It just started, too."

Nathan's brow furrowed. "You sure you want to watch this?"

Ben picked up the remote again. "Well, if you don't like it..."

"No, that's not what I meant. I do like the movie. I just figured you'd pick something like..."

" _Beach Babes from Mars,_ " Ben offered.

Nathan smiled softly. "Well...yeah. You don't have to watch it for me. I'm supposed to be resting."

"Hey, I do enjoy more than airhead women, you know," he said with a shrug. "And it's been several years since I've seen this. It's a great film."

"Indeed," Nathan replied with a slight nod. He didn't exactly believe Ben. Oh, he was sure Ben liked the movie, but he was also sure he'd put it on for his benefit only, since it was one of his favorites. He lay back on his pillow, trying to focus on the vid-screen when his thoughts drifted to Kristin.

In fact, everything Carol had said drifted through his mind, but he was too exhausted to analyze it all now. He was, however, comforted by the fact that she was finally back where she belonged. He paused to thank the universe and then tried to focus on the movie again. It wasn't long before he fell asleep again, however.

_-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_

When he awoke, the lights in his room were dimmed, and the vid-screen was off. He guessed it was the middle of the night. He looked to his right where Ben had been sitting; he still half-expected to see him there, but the chair was empty. He reached over to the bedside table to take a sip of water, but he suddenly saw delicate, familiar-looking hands appear before his eyes. They lifted the glass for him, brought it to his lips.

"There you are," a woman's voice said.

Nathan drank greedily, and when he was finished, she took the glass away and set it back on the table. He eyed her carefully; she had auburn hair and dark eyes. Upon careful examination, she looked just like Kristin. Were his eyes playing tricks on him? He rubbed his eyes. "Kristin?" he choked out.

She laughed softly. "I'll take that as a compliment, but no." She held out her hand to him in greeting. "Cynthia Westphalen."

Nathan took her hand. "Hello… I-"

"I hope you don't mind me coming in here," she said quietly. "I've actually been going back and forth…well, at night when most of the others are asleep, that is. It's just that my mother's told me so much about you, I feel like I know you already. My only regret is that we haven't met before…and I'm only sorry we're meeting in such unfortunate circumstances." She offered him a weak smile.

Nathan smiled softly. "I hope you don't mind me saying, but...you're the spitting image of your mother."

"Not at all," she replied, returning the smile. "I really don't know how to thank you. Joshua…Doctor Levin...said the only reason my mother is even alive is because of you." Her voice was becoming strained, so she paused, clearing her throat. "I…I wanted you to know that I am extremely grateful, and if there's ever anything you need, I-"

Nathan placed a hand over hers. "Cynthia, it's quite all right. You don't need to give me anything. I...I didn't have to think twice."

She nodded, her eyes glistening. "I just... I can't even begin to let you know how much it means to me."

He squeezed her hand. "You don't need to. I do, however, wish you'd let me get a word in."

"Of course," she replied, suddenly pulling away and turning away from him. "Sorry…I...I guess I'm just a little nervous, and things are..."

As she trailed off, Nathan couldn't miss the fact she was crying, her shoulders trembling. "Cynthia?"

She let out a quiet sob, but she quickly stifled it, pushed it down. Several minutes later, she finally turned back to him and wiped her eyes. "I didn't mean to…sorry..." She sighed. "Perhaps nervous isn't quite the word…more like restless… On pins and needles?"

Nathan couldn't believe how much she reminded him of Kristin. The poor thing was desperately trying to keep herself together, but she was obviously extremely worried. He couldn't blame her, but he was also sure things would be all right in Kristin's case. Joshua hadn't mentioned otherwise. He motioned for her to come closer, taking her hand again, trying to give her a small bit of comfort. "You don't need to apologize," he told her. "I understand, really." He glanced towards the chair near the bed. "You can have a seat and stay a while if you'd like."

She gave him a weak smile...her _mother's_ smile. "You sure you won't mind listening to me? You _are_ supposed to be resting. Isn't this breaking some sort of rule or something?"

Nathan shrugged. "I think we can make an exception. I'm not tired anyway."

Cynthia's smile grew even larger as she sat. "Neither am I."

"What's on your mind?" he pressed.

"I just...can't wait until she wakes up," the younger woman replied with a sigh. "The waiting is killing me..."

"Did Joshua tell you anything?"

"He said he expects her to be fine. It's quite remarkable, really. With everything she's been through, she'll be fine." She shrugged. "That's the best news anyone could hope for in situations like this. And it isn't that I don't trust him. I'm just not going to feel that it's true until I see her open her eyes. It's really just the two of us. Grandmother and Grandfather have long since passed…as well as Uncle James. I wouldn't be able to imagine it if she weren't..." She trailed off, becoming emotional again.

Nathan passed her the box of tissues from his bedside table. "The same here," he said gently once Cynthia seemed to calm a bit. "But we also both know how strong your mother is. The fact she's gotten through this with barely a scratch proves it. Everything…everything's going to be fine, I'm sure of it."

Cynthia gave him a look, the same look he'd seen on Kristin's face many times. It was one of surprise but also one of gratitude. "She...she told me you were good at things like this."

A brow rose. "She did? I hadn't realized..."

Cynthia nodded. "She told me how close the two of you are."

"I see…"

"And I wanted you to know that I think you're good for her. It's been long time since she's had a man she could trust. In fact, I think it would be great if you two eventually became more than friends…"

His eyes grew wide. "You…you do? But I... Did she... You..."

Cynthia laughed, placing a halting hand on his arm. "Let's just say I'm not blind. I can see the look on her face when she talks about you, and... I haven't seen that look on her face in a long time. You're something special to her." She sighed, giving his shoulder a squeeze. "I'll just leave it at that. I don't want to make you uncomfortable now."

"I…I do care about her, and I want her to be happy."

"I believe she is," she replied. "I-" She stopped short, a hand rising to her mouth. "Oh, I'm sorry…I've been terribly rude. Here I am going on about her when you were out there, too. How _are_ you feeling?"

"It's all right. No worries...and I'm fine. I'll be much better when I'm out of this bed, though. I don't like being cooped up like this."

"You sound just like her," she said. "My mother might be a good doctor, but she's a horrible patient. You'll see…"

"I actually found that one out," Nathan replied, going on to tell her about her rest after the hurricane. "She wasn't too happy with me, but then, I had good reason."

"That sounds like her, even if there was a good reason for it." She shook her head. "Stubborn as hell...but then, so am I. She says that's where I get it."

"We're all stubborn in our own ways," he replied softly, giving her a grin. "I really am glad I woke up when I did, though."

"I am, too," she told him. "I...I really didn't want to be alone."

Nathan took her hand. "You're not alone. I'm right here."

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Time passed as the two of them continued talking, sharing their favorite stories about Kristin. It helped pass the time, and somehow, talking about her made the wait less trying.

"I've probably talked your ear off enough now," she said, glancing at the clock. "I probably should get back to her...in case. And I can't help notice that you keep yawning. I'm keeping you up."

Nathan waved a hand. "It's fine. I'm not…" He yawned again. "…that tired yet."

"She told me you were a bad liar, too," she said with a grin. "You two have a lot in common."

Though he was too tired to defend himself, he said, "I think you and I need to talk about what _else_ your mother has said about me sometime."

Cynthia gave him a peck on the cheek. "It's a date," she promised. "It was wonderful to meet you, Nathan Bridger. Sweet dreams."

"Likewise, Cynthia Westphalen. Goodnight."


	13. This Is What We Live For

Kristin's conscious mind slowly pushed through the darkness, but she still couldn't seem to break through that final layer. She tried, but she was so tired...so weak... At least she didn't feel as cold anymore. She felt a warm hand cover her own.

Her eyebrows knitted together. _Who is that? Where am I?_ She tried opening her eyes once more, but they stayed shut, as if they were glued. She could hear familiar voices speaking in concerned whispers, but she couldn't quite remember _who_ they were.

She tried to remember what had happened...how she ended up...wherever she was. She struggled to think of the last thing she __could__ remember, tried to sweep the cobwebs from her mind. _Oh, what happened? s_ he thought desperately, the answer just beyond her reach.

"How is she?" a woman's voice asked.

There was a slight hesitation. "As good as can be expected, considering everything she's been through. But she's stronger than we think. I just... Hope she wakes up soon," a man replied.

"Me, too."

"Have you been in with the captain?"

 _ _Nathan...__ The mention of his name suddenly jogged her memory. That was the last thing she remembered: speaking with him about the Yeats poem. Then she vaguely remembered the whale watch and going out on Jeffrey's boat. And then...

 _Then,_ _ **what**_ _?_ she asked herself. Only her mind was blank. Something else was hiding in the shadows, she was sure of it, but when she tried to pull it out, it burrowed down further...too deep for her to find.

"Yeah…he's doing much better. Doctor Levin says he'll probably release him tonight."

 _Doctor Levin? Release him?_ She guessed she must be in medbay. And Nathan was as well? _Oh, **what** happened?_

"And how is he…emotionally?"

There was a pause. "He keeps asking about her. Anyone can tell he's worried. _I'm_ worried."

"Join the club," the woman said, her voice trembling.

"Hey, it's going to be okay. The doctor said so. I promise it'll be okay."

 _ _Her? Me?__ she guessed _._ _ _Oh, open your eyes, Kristin,__ she told herself _._ _ _You have to open your eyes!__

"I know, I know," she said. "I just…I'll feel better when she wakes."

_I'm here! I'm trying! Damn it, open your eyes!_

Another pause. "Look, I'm going to the mess hall for a bite. You want to join me? It might help to get away for a little bit. Just fifteen minutes?"

"No…thanks. I think I'd rather stay here."

"Oh, okay... Do you want me to bring you anything?"

"I'm fine, really."

"Okay…I'll see you later then."

Kristin heard his departing footsteps, and once again, she tried to decide who the voices belonged to, yet she couldn't. The most frustrating thing was that she was sure she knew exactly who the people were. Or she should know. Oh, why couldn't she remember a thing?

A warm hand on her cheek pulled her from her thoughts. Another layer of darkness faded. Oh, she was so close.

"When are you going to come back to us, Mom? We're all waiting for you," she whispered.

 _ _Mom? Cy__ _ _nthia...__ If Cynthia were there, something very bad must have happened _._ _ _Cynthia, I'm here, sweetheart. I'm trying!__ She tried forcing her eyelids to open, but they were so heavy _._ _ _Oh,__ _ _ **please**__ _ _, wake up!__

She felt Cynthia's hand move to her own, giving it a squeeze. Kristin tried to squeeze it back, but she couldn't tell if she'd succeeded. Worse, all her struggling was making her feel exhausted once again. _Cynthia, I'm here. Whatever happened...it's going to be all right. I'm here, honey!_

One last time, she tried to push past that final layer of darkness. _Open your eyes, damn it! Let her know you're here!_

"I'm so selfish," she heard Cynthia say after several minutes, crying softly. "I just.. You take your time. I'll be here when you wake up. You obviously need to sleep."

 _But I..._ The thought of sleep suddenly made her feel woozy. She felt so tired, like she hadn't slept in days.

She felt warm lips on her cheek, heard Cynthia whisper something she couldn't make out. The darkness was starting to cover her completely once again.

 _No, please!_ Kristin thought. _Just...just let me talk to her for a moment; then I'll sleep._ Yet the darkness wouldn't comply, far too stubborn and needy.

 _Stay awake!_ She tried focusing on Cynthia, tried to squeeze her hand. Cynthia was gently stroking her cheek and speaking softly. _Focus on her voice! s_ he thought. But it suddenly seemed to get further and further away.

 _Don't..._ Her efforts seemed futile and were getting more and more exhausting by the second. Darkness pulled at her limbs, covering her in a warm blanket, and she couldn't pull it off.

She was too weak; darkness had won.

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Once she'd gotten some more rest, she felt confident enough to fight the darkness again. She pushed past it, past the cobwebs. _Is that a light?_

She carefully moved towards it, though the closer she got, the more difficult it was to breathe. She took a deep breath... Then another. _I...I can't breathe!_ She fell to her knees, the light seemingly just beyond her reach when...

She sat bolt upright, gasping for air, sending her body into a coughing fit.

She felt hands on her shoulders, helping her to lie back. "Whoa, easy, easy," a female voice said.

A male voice said, "I'll go tell the doctor right away."

"Kristin? Kristin, honey, are you okay? Do you remember what happened?" another man asked.

Kristin shook her head, unable to focus on any of them, the light stinging her eyes and blurring her vision. "W-water…" she choked out hoarsely.

A straw immediately touched her lips.

"Drink," the woman said.

Kristin drank until her throat didn't feel like sandpaper anymore. She then carefully opened her eyes again, seeing Katie's smiling face. "Welcome back."

Kristin opened her mouth to speak when Joshua entered the room.

"I'm going to need you to leave us alone for now. You can come back later."

Katie turned back to her and gave her hand another squeeze. "See you later, okay?"

"O...okay," she replied as Katie, Ben, and Miguel left the room.

"First, I need to handle the routine stuff," Joshua told her once they were alone. He checked all her vital signs and did a quick exam. When he was finished, he turned to her. "So how are you feeling?"

A hand rose to her head. "I'm not sure. Rather confused, I suppose."

He smiled softly, putting a hand over hers. "Why don't we start with the physical? Are you in any pain? Are you cold?"

Kristin's brow furrowed. She did feel a little cold. Her whole body felt stiff, but she wasn't sure if it was pain exactly. She tried to adjust her position on the bed when she felt a sharp pain in her chest. "Oh..." she gasped.

"I'll take that as a yes," he replied, helping her get more comfortable. "You have a couple of broken ribs."

"My head doesn't feel the best either," she admitted. "I've a bit of a headache. And now that you mention it, I am a bit chilly."

"You had quite a bump on the head...a minor concussion. You also had hypothermia and a case of frostbite," Joshua explained, eyeing her carefully. "You don't remember what happened, do you?"

She looked at the IV tube coming out of her hand and shook her head. "I…I probably should, but…"

"Don't strain yourself," Joshua told her, placing a comforting hand on her shoulder. "There was an accident during the whale expedition."

She cringed, that bit of information dislodging some of her memories out of the dark corners of her mind. "Lucas?"

"Oh, no…he's fine. Everyone else is fine, so don't worry about them." He gave her shoulder a reassuring squeeze. "There was a storm, and it progressed too quickly..."

Her eyebrows knitted together as small fragments floated through her mind. She remembered Jonathan, Lucas, Ben, Jeffrey, and her on the boat, but... She couldn't piece it together enough where it made sense. "Please, tell me."

He nodded. "The boat hit a group of jagged rocks. Your team took refuge in a life raft, but that was short-lived. You were all tossed overboard." He took a deep breath. "The others said that Lucas couldn't be found right away."

"Oh, God…" she breathed.

"You went looking for him. You helped him get to safety. And then you were dragged away. We…we thought you were lost forever."

She lay back, the fragments suddenly moving in sequence, all making more sense. But then they all stopped, faded into darkness. After several minutes, she asked, "How...how did you find me?"

Joshua lowered his gaze. "I'm honestly not sure," he said with a shake of his head. "You have literally defied just about every precedent. By all rights, it seems you shouldn't be alive." He sighed. "Call it a miracle. Call it the grace of God. I'm not really sure what you believe in, Doctor, but I know _I_ certainly have had my eyes opened from all this."

When he looked back up, she could see his eyes glistening, and her heart dropped to the floor.

He gently patted her leg, offering a smile, however. "I'm not the one who found you, though."

"Nathan?" The word just spilled from her lips before she had a chance to know why she was even saying it.

He gave her a look. "How did you…"

"J-just a guess," she replied. "Um, so... I was lost in the storm? For how long?"

"Almost three days. When you were found, you were nearly..." He shrugged. "Well, like I said, it's a miracle. Never in my medical career have I ever seen anything like it. I hope you realize that you are a very lucky woman, Kristin." He paused. "Now, I want to run some tests to see how much nerve damage you could have, but from what I can tell, it should be minimal."

Kristin simply nodded, still trying to process everything she'd been told.

"I know you still have a lot of questions, but I want to remind you that you need rest, so one thing at a time, okay?"

"Okay."

"Good. Oh, by the way, I thought you should know your daughter is here."

"Cynthia?"

He nodded. "Just a few tests, and then you can see her."

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When Joshua had finished running the nerve tests, he turned to her. "Well, it looks like my earlier assessment was correct. You have some slight nerve damage, but nothing too serious. You'll probably have some permanent cold sensitivity, but really, that's minor compared to what could have happened."

"I...I understand," she replied, though she wasn't terribly concerned about herself right now. "So, the captain…is he…"

Joshua chuckled softly. "Now you sound just like him."

Her brow furrowed. "What?"

"It's just that he's been asking about you, too," he explained. "Uh, you two were both out in the storm for a little while. I promise he's fine, though…far better off than you. I just wanted him overnight for observation. I'm releasing him later. If you're up to it, I'm sure he'll be visiting you." Joshua then put a hand over hers. "Now, I'll let your daughter come back in for a little while, but then, you need to rest, okay? I don't want you over-exerting yourself, understood?"

Kristin smiled softly. "I know after Sheila I wasn't the best patient, but this time, I promise I won't argue. I'm exhausted."

"That's to be expected. Baby steps." He gave her hand one final pat. "I'll see you later."

"Thank you, Joshua."

"Anytime."

As Joshua stepped in the corridor, she could hear him speaking to the others, who apparently hadn't gone too far.

"I know you're all anxious to see her, but I'm going to ask that you don't...not right away. She needs her rest, so we're going to keep it to a minimum today. I'd rather only her daughter and perhaps one or two others."

"But...come on, Doc!" That was Lucas.

"We've all been in there when she was sleeping," Ben added.

"Can't we see her later?" Katie asked.

"I promise she isn't going anywhere," Joshua told them, "and I know you're all eager to see her, but she's still healing. Come tomorrow, it will probably be a different story. If you really care about her, you'll understand this is necessary."

She then heard several, "All rights," and couldn't help but crack a small smile. At least they weren't giving him too hard of a time. As she heard their departing footsteps, she lay back and closed her eyes, her head still feeling a bit fuzzy.

A short time later, however, she felt a hand on her shoulder, and she opened her eyes to see Cynthia.

She smiled down at her, pulling her into a gentle hug. "Oh, Mom…I'm so glad you're okay."

Kristin wrapped her arms around her daughter and hugged her tightly, even if it did make her chest hurt a bit. It had been quite a while since they'd seen one another in person, and despite the pain she was in, she wasn't going to let that ruin a welcoming embrace. "I'm so glad you're here, sweetheart."

The two stayed in each other's arms for several minutes. When Cynthia finally pulled away, she had tears running down her face. She took a tissue from the nearby table and wiped the stray tears away. "I…I was so worried about you."

"I'm sorry. I never meant to-" she muttered, her own voice strained, nearing tears herself. She hadn't quite realized how much pain she'd caused.

"No, please, _don't_ apologize," Cynthia said, giving her hand a squeeze. "It's not like you planned it, and... I think I learned what it was like to be in your shoes, that's all."

"I'm not sure I understand..."

"With me," she explained, a hand to her chest. "I…I put my life on the line all the time. And I guess I never realized how often you did, too. We're both risk takers…for good causes."

It was true. Kristin had given her several lectures over the years, especially since her daughter wasn't very forthcoming about what exactly she did for a living. All she knew was that she worked with underprivileged children, but Kristin always felt there was something more. Of course, being the good, supportive mother she was, she couldn't expect Cynthia to tell her every sordid detail, especially when a great deal of her own work was classified. That would have been a bit of the pot calling the kettle black, and she never wanted to be a hypocrite with her own daughter. She then grabbed Cynthia's hand. "Well, I wasn't trying to teach you some sort of lesson, Cynnie, dear."

"I know…but I do know what it's like to be on the other end now; the worry of not knowing…it was hellish."

"Cynthia, darling, you're going to make me cry now," Kristin replied, her voice trembling. "I...I didn't mean..."

"Oh, Mom." Cynthia hugged her once again before passing her a clean tissue. "I never said I wanted you to stop, nor was I suggesting you tone things down. You never do with me, do you?"

Kristin shook her head as she dabbed at her eyes. "No, but there's a part of me that wishes you would…just so I knew you'd be safe."

"And there was a part of me that wishes you were at home baking cookies like my friends' mothers instead of saving lives," Cynthia countered. "But then I thought of how boring that would be and how I wouldn't be who I was today if I didn't have the kind of mother I _do_ have." She nodded, placing a hand on her mother's shoulder. "I'm glad I have a mother who stands up for what she believes, stands up for just causes. I wouldn't be doing what I am now if it weren't for you. What I'm saying is that I don't want you to change. Of course, I hope something like this doesn't happen again, but I'd never expect you to change. We Westphalen women, though... We don't change; we __make__ things change."

Kristin smiled softly, dabbing at her eyes. "I think I have to remind myself who the parent is here."

"Well, working with the kids, you pick up a few things," Cynthia replied. "I guess I'm just now applying them to my own life."

"Hmm, I see." She paused for a moment and sighed softly. "I'm not sure I've ever told you this, but I am _very_ proud of the woman you've become."

Cynthia gave her a gentle kiss on the cheek. "And I owe it all to you, but really, I think __I'm__ the one who should be proud."

"I'm too tired to argue with you right now," she said, taking a deep breath. "So how long do I have you here?"

Cynthia gave her hand a squeeze. "For as long as you need me…although it would be ideal if I could leave by the end of the week. But that's not necessary."

Kristin smiled. "I'm wounded, not broken, dear. I'm not dying, you know."

Cynthia brought Kristin's hand to her lips and kissed it. "I know, Mommy, I know, but I'm not leaving you until you're at least walking around. You get some sleep, okay?"

"Mmm-hmm," Kristin muttered. As much as she wanted to stay awake and talk with her daughter for hours on end, her body was telling her it had had enough for the moment. She needed sleep.

"I'll be right here when you wake up," Cynthia whispered, kissing her forehead. "Sweet dreams."

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The second time Kristin awoke, her head felt a little clearer. She looked around the room for Cynthia but didn't see her. Judging from the dimness of the lights, Kristin guessed it was late into the night now. She was about to call a nurse to help her sit up at least when she heard a voice.

"I've been waiting for you."

Kristin squinted in the dim light, seeing a figure sitting in the chair in the corner of the room "Nathan?"

He stood and walked towards her, helping her to sit up and then taking a seat to the right of her bed. "I was so happy when I'd heard you'd woken. I only wish I'd have been here when you had."

She waved a hand. "You didn't miss much. I was pretty groggy." She paused. "Um…Joshua…he told me what you did. I…I'm not sure how you did it, but... I just want you to know I'm very grateful. I don't now how I could ever thank you for-"

He took her hand in his. "Oh, Kristin…you don't need to... Saying thank you is really enough. I didn't even-" He stopped short. "Wait…did…did you say you don't know how I did it?"

"Yes... Is…is something wrong? Should I know? I…I have a feeling there's a lot I should be remembering…but I can't."

Nathan took her hand and squeezed it. "No, I didn't mean… Please, it's not your fault. I'm sure you'll remember eventually."

She nodded, though she suspected he wasn't being very truthful with her, the disappointed look on his face betraying him. However, she ignored it for the time being, giving a shrug. "That's what Joshua told me. I mean, I know there was an accident, that the boat crashed. But I don't remember any of it." She brought a hand to her head. "Do…do you know the last thing I remember?"

"What's that?"

"We were discussing that Yeats poem. I…I can't remember anything after...and it's not from lack of trying either."

"You will soon, I'm sure. Rome wasn't built in a day," he said, offering her an encouraging smile. "By the way, I sent Cynthia off to bed. The poor dear didn't sleep very well last night…and I don't think she did any napping today either. I promised her I'd stay with you."

"Well, I appreciate you taking care of her, but aren't you supposed to be resting, too? I'm not sure Joshua would approve, considering you were out in the storm as well. Besides, I don't need to be babysat. I'm not a child."

He put a hand on her shoulder. "I know, Kristin, I know. I just wanted to see you, and I couldn't sleep without doing so." He placed a kiss to her forehead. "I thought I'd never see you again… And now that you're here, I don't want to take my eyes off of you."

They stared at one another for several minutes, but Kristin was the first to lower her gaze."Nathan, I… I don't want to put you out. I'm not going anywhere, obviously..."

"You're not. I have been resting," he promised. "In fact, Joshua said as long as I didn't overdue it, he was fine with me staying in here."

"Then I suppose I can't lecture you," she said, offering him a weak smile that quickly faded. "I...I never meant to scare you."

"I know," he replied, taking her hand in his and giving a squeeze.

"Can...can you ever forgive me?" she asked, her voice trembling, her eyes filling with tears.

"Oh, honey," Nathan said. "I wasn't… I'm not angry with you. No one is…and you have nothing to be forgiven for." He took a tissue and wiped her eyes. "No more tears, okay?"

She nodded, swallowing hard. "I suppose no one is angry now," she reasoned, "but you never wanted me to go in the first place. At the time, I just thought you were being silly, but... Well, obviously, I should have listened to you."

Nathan waved a hand. "Water under the bridge now. You can't beat yourself up about it. Besides, I was probably being a little too overprotective."

She shrugged. "Well, I promise, next time you voice your concerns about me doing something a little risky, I'm not going to argue. I think the universe is telling me to slow down a bit."

Nathan laughed softly. "I'm going to hold you to that, you know?"

She smiled. "Good, because I wouldn't expect anything less. Um, Nathan?"

"Yes?"

"Thank you…for caring."

Nathan placed a kiss to her cheek. "Well, you're the one who makes it so easy."

She felt her cheeks grow warm, and there was another long pause between them. "Um…so…what do you think of her… Cynthia, I mean?"

"Oh, she reminds me a lot of you. She's a sweet kid."

Kristin smiled. "Yes, she is."

"She and I had a long talk; she said you'd told her that we're close."

"Did she?" She bit her bottom lip. "What __else__ did she tell you?"

Nathan laughed slightly, giving her arm a gentle push. "Why? Did you say something you shouldn't have?"

Kristin shifted uncomfortably. "No..."

"She just told me how worried she was about you…and that she's glad you and I are friends," he told her. "She didn't give away any of your dark secrets, so you don't need to worry."

She breathed a sigh of relief. "She's a smart girl, that one."

"She gets it from her mother, you know."

She gave him a smile. "Nathan?"

"Yes?"

"I'm glad we're friends, too."

"Likewise... And I hope we always are."

All she could do was offer him her hand, and he took it, squeezing it gently. Despite what he'd said, she knew she'd caused him pain; she obviously caused everyone pain. Why did she have to go on that expedition again? While that answer escaped her, she couldn't escape the guilt about it all taking up residence in the pit of her stomach either.


	14. How We Learn Who We Are

As Nathan and Kristin spoke, his mind wandered. He'd been waiting for this moment...when she'd finally wake and they could talk. The only problem was he hadn't factored in that she might forget everything that happened while she was lost.

He tried to mask his disappointment, but he feared he hadn't done very well. Still, she hadn't pressed the issue, and he was glad.

It did, however, throw a bit of a wrench into his plans. When Kristin woke, he'd assumed she'd remember everything...especially what happened between the two of them. After she'd healed, he figured they'd be working on them and their relationship...something he looked forward to.

But now? Well, they could still work on their relationship, but he hadn't anticipated having to repeat words, actions. It had been difficult enough the first time around. Not that he wouldn't do it again, but... He wasn't sure she was up for it. At least not yet.

"What about Lucas?"

Her quiet inquiry pulled Nathan from his thoughts.

"Joshua said he'd gotten lost during the storm, that I actually helped find him..." she added, picking a piece of invisible fuzz off the blanket that covered her. "I can't remember much about it, though."

He nodded. "Uh, yeah... I only heard about it second-hand myself, but apparently, you were a wonder woman," he said with a light laugh. "Though I will say that he...he had a hard time accepting it."

Her brow furrowed as she looked at him again. "Accepting that I'd saved him?"

"Somewhat," Nathan replied. "Finding out you were lost was difficult on all of us. I know he was angry with me for a while, and-"

"Angry? At _you_?"

He sighed. Perhaps this wasn't the best conversation to have with her right now. He took her hand again. "You know, we don't need to talk about everything that happened in one conversation. We could talk about this later…"

She pulled her hand from his, crossing her arms over her chest. "I want to know why Lucas was angry." She then softened a bit. "I'm going to hear about it eventually. Why delay the inevitable?"

He hesitated for a moment, but she had a point. "All...all right, but then rest, okay?"

"You've got a deal," she replied.

"The UEO didn't want any of us going after you while the storm was raging. In their book, it was far too dangerous."

She raised an eyebrow. "And you listened?"

"Of course not," he said with a laugh. "Bill knew I wouldn't anyway. That's why everything done was non-UEO-sanctioned. Everything was volunteer, but the crew...me... There was no way we were going to give you up without a fight. They were willing to put their careers on the line for you, Kris. That's how much everyone here cares about you. The first time we went out, though, we couldn't find you. The storm was too much."

"I..." She shook her head. "The first time? You mean you visited the gulf more than once?"

"Yes…and when we didn't find you, I...I had to break it to Lucas. He didn't take it well, especially since I'd promised him I'd bring you back." He looked into her eyes. "God knows I tried...and I know it was pretty hard for him, especially since you'd essentially saved his life. You know, he sees you as more than the CMO here. Well, everyone does, but... The thought of losing you, especially when he knew he was alive because of your actions, was too much."

Kristin nodded, blinking back tears, a hand rising to her mouth.

"Kristin? What's wrong?"

She shook her head. "I...I had a sudden flash of memory. It...it was brief, but... I remembered Lucas and I... We were in the water, and..." She swallowed hard. "It...it was so cold. Lucas...he was shivering. I... I didn't think he could go on. I...I told him to swim...to stay with me... And...I can't remember more than that, but..." She looked at Nathan, her eyes glistening with unshed tears. "I...I never meant to hurt anyone. I didn't want to cause Lucas any pain. I never meant to cause you pain...or the others..." She finally lost her battle with her emotions, crying softly.

"Oh, Kristin," he soothed gently, pulling her into his arms. "No, everyone knows that. Lucas knows that. Please, don't cry. There's no reason for that anymore. You're back here safe and sound. Everything's fine now. I spoke with Lucas earlier. He's not angry anymore, and he's eager to see you. He's just fine now."

"You...you're sure?" she asked through her tears, still clinging to him.

"Of course I am; I wouldn't lie to you. Everyone's dying to see you." He gently pulled away, pulling a tissue from the box and drying her tears. "When Joshua gives the okay, you're not going to have a free moment to yourself," he said with a smile. "So no worries, okay?"

She nodded, smiling weakly. "Okay."

Nathan watched her smile fade as quickly as it came, however. He frowned, hoping she was just tired and nothing more. He hugged her again. "You sure you're all right?"

She nodded, laying her head on his shoulder. "Really. I just... It's a bit of an adjustment."

"I understand, but I'm sure in a few days, you'll be fine. But I think I need to let you get back to sleep. We'll have lots of time to talk later." He paused. "Do you want me to stay with you?"

"No, thank you. I can... I'll be fine." She patted his chest gently before moving back towards her pillow. "Besides, you need your sleep, too, and I don't think that chair would be very comfortable to sleep in."

He waved a hand. "I've slept in worse...but as long as you're sure."

She pulled the blankets up to her chin. "I am...really."

"Good," he told her. "Admittedly, now that we've talked, I feel more relaxed, so I promise I'll be going to sleep myself."

"I guess I'll see you later then?"

"Later," he said, placing a kiss to her cheek. "Sweet dreams, kiddo."

"You, too."

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Once she was alone, Kristin sighed. She was the one that insisted on knowing what happened with Lucas, but knowing he was angry? Knowing the crew had put their lives on the line? Knowing they'd all risked their careers? All for _her_? She shook her head. No wonder she was feeling guilty about it all now. It was her own damn fault she'd gone on that ridiculous whale expedition in the first place. And for what? To prove a point? To prove she was right?

"If you didn't have to be so damn stubborn all the time, you wouldn't be in this mess now, would you?"

Oh, Nathan had indeed said it was fine, that no one was angry with her. But was that _really_ true? They'd wasted countless hours of worry, countless time and effort trying to find her. Not only that, she was sure when the UEO caught wind...if they hadn't already...there'd be some lecture or reprimand waiting for when it did.

"And I'd deserve it all, too," she muttered bitterly.

She'd bet her life that there were still some unresolved feelings of resentment towards her. How could there not be? Though she was looking forward to seeing all them, she wasn't sure she could let them lie to her face. She'd have to urge them to get it all out in the open, she decided. Better resolve it now than wait until later.

She'd also have to tell them... No, she'd have to _promise_ them she'd never put them through something like this again. She'd obviously caused them too much pain already, and she'd be damned if she'd hurt them all ever again.

Though as Kristin thought, she couldn't stop yawning. She closed her eyes, hoping the others would be willing to forgive her when she spoke with them, and it wasn't long before sleep claimed her.

_-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_

_Kristin found herself on the sandy shores of a beach, though she didn't recognize her surroundings. Despite the breeze, it was quite warm, feeling the toasty sand surrounding her bare feet. She looked around to see if anyone was there with her, but she didn't see anyone. She turned towards the lapping waves, listening to the soothing sound and wondering where to go next when she suddenly heard a voice._

" _Hello."_

_Kristin turned around to see the smiling face of a blonde woman, a woman she had seen somewhere before but couldn't quite place where. "H-hello..." she replied warily._

" _You're probably wondering who I am."_

_She nodded. "Only I'm positive I've seen you before…haven't I?" She brought a hand to her head. "You see I've had a bit of an accident, and-"_

_The blonde placed a halting hand on her arm. "You don't need to explain. I already know."_

_A brow rose. "You...you do?"_

_"Yes...and I'll explain in a moment." She took Kristin's hand. "My name's Carol, though, and I believe you've seen my photograph."_

" _Nathan's Carol?" She slowly backed away. "But…you…you're…"_

" _Please...you don't need to be afraid."_

" _I'm not afraid exactly…more like confused." She looked around. "Um...where are we exactly?"_

" _The island…Nathan's island. You haven't been here yet, but you will…one day, I think."_

" _W_ _hy are you here…with me? I…I don't understand," Kristin said, trying to wrap her head around things._

" _There's a lot you don't remember," she replied. "During the time you were away from the boat, however, you were on a journey. Well, rather, your soul was."_

" _My soul?"_

_Carol nodded. "Yes, and I was there with you."_

_Her eyes grew wide. "You...you were? But I don't..."_

_Carol put her arm around Kristin's shoulders. "I want you to know it's okay."_

" _What? " Her eyebrows knitted together in confusion. "But I don't... I don't think I understand."_

" _Yes, you do," Carol replied, giving her a smile. "You think you don't, but you know full well you do. Right now, you and Nathan…you're still testing the waters. He's a widower…you're a divorcée. And on top of everything else, pursuing any sort of relationship could be fraternization…possibly frowned upon by the UEO."_

_Kristin felt Carol's eyes looking her up and down, and she turned from her, feeling uncomfortable._

_"I take that as me being spot-on with my assessment," Carol continued."Besides, you've never been one for orders, have you?"_

_She turned back to her. "Carol, I-"_

" _Shh," she replied. "Just listen. I'm going to tell you the same thing I told Nathan. I-"_

" _You…you spoke with Nathan? I mean… You speak with Nathan?"_

_Carol smiled softly. "When he thinks he needs me, yes. I'm not going to lie to you. I've been watching over him since… Well, that's what we do when we can no longer be with our loved ones. And since you've come into his life, I've been watching over you, too."_

" _Me? But…why? You don't even know me. I…"_

" _I know enough. This isn't the first time we've spoken, remember? I also know that if I can't be with him that you're the first woman I'd choose. You're a good woman, Kristin. Don't sell yourself short on that."_

_Kristin blushed hotly. "I'm not..."_

_"You_ _**are** _ _," Carol insisted. "Don't remember that little talk you gave yourself before you fell asleep?"_

_Kristin lowered her gaze and shrugged. "I certainly didn't like having to hurt everyone I love, and I feel like there's no way I can make it up to them..."_

_Carol brought a hand to her cheek. "You're worrying for nothing. You have to let the guilt go. Do you think you can do that?"_

_"I...I'll try..."_

_"Good," she replied with a nod. "Now about Nathan-"_

_Kristin shook her head. "I don't even know if he... He hasn't mentioned… We've only known each other a little while."_

_Carol sighed. "It's because you're both afraid…and that's okay. There's nothing wrong with that. You'll both get over that fear…eventually."_

_Her brow furrowed._ " _So, are you saying Nathan and I will…be a couple?"_

" _It's entirely up to the both of you. I'm just telling you it could happen if you wanted it. It's obvious you two have a connection. You're definitely bonded now because of this."_

" _Carol…I…I'm not sure what to say…"_

_She pulled Kristin into a hug. "You don't need to say anything, honey. I'm just helping you…guiding you, as it were. It's my pleasure."_

_"Well, thank you...b_ _ut what happens now? I can't even remember the journey. What...what happened?" She ran a hand through her hair in a desperate effort to jog her memory, but it didn't work._

" _You'll find out when you're ready. It can't be forced." She paused. "And even when you do remember, you need to find the courage to act on things...that is, if that's what you truly want."_

_She bit her bottom lip._ " _But…I-"_

_Carol sighed, stroking Kristin's hair. "Please, don't worry. Everything's going to be fine. No matter what happens, you will always be fine."_

_"But how do you-"_

_Carol kissed her cheek. "I have to go now, but I suspect we'll meet again soon."_

_"No, wait!" Kristin cried out. She wasn't ready for her to go. She had so many unanswered questions._

_Only Carol turned and waved. "Don't worry about a thing," she said before disappearing into thin air._

_-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_

Kristin woke up with a start, her heart pounding in her chest, her breathing rapid. She placed a hand on her chest, trying to calm down.

After a few minutes, she was able to breathe normally and her thoughts drifted to the dream she'd just had. Why in the world would she dream about Carol Bridger, of all people? Not only that, was anything Carol had said true?

She shook her head a minute later. _Don't be silly. It was just a dream._

Besides, the concept of her soul separating itself from her body and going on a journey seemed a bit far-fetched. Granted, there were things in this world science couldn't always explain. She had her little experience with Lillian Strathairn to prove that, even if she'd still insist to this day it was nitrogen narcosis. The truth was, it really couldn't have been. Not that she could remember everything that had happened on _The George_ , but from what the others had described, it didn't sound like nitrogen narcosis after all. Of course, she wasn't admitting that to them. It was far safer and more comforting for her scientific mind to continue saying it was nitrogen narcosis.

But Carol _had_ known about the guilt she'd been feeling. _How do you explain that one?_ she asked herself.

Well, she couldn't. She had no real scientific explanation for it, save that is was simply a dream and there was no merit to dreams whatsoever. After all, dreams were often confusing, so why would this be any different?

She happened to glance towards the chair in the corner of the room and saw Nathan sleeping there. Her brow furrowed, wondering when he'd returned.

Then again, he had mentioned he didn't want to leave her side. She smiled softly at the thought. Maybe there was some merit to the dream after all. Whatever that was, however, was going to take a lot more time to figure out. And frankly, she was still too tired to do so now.

Although it had been an unsettling dream, it wasn't unsettling enough to keep her from feeling tired. In fact, she feared she'd be feeling exhaustion for quite a while.

She lay back and yawned. No sense in fighting it. The more sleep she got, the better.

_-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_

_Kristin was in Nathan's quarters. The two were talking over dinner. Nathan was asking her about her younger years. Then the conversation progressed to something more intimate: their feelings for one another. And then Nathan finally did what she'd been secretly longing for since they had met. The kiss was rather unexpected, but wonderful at the same time._

"Oh, Nathan," she mumbled in her sleep.

_Then they spoke for hours about their relationship, how fast they wanted to go, if either one of them truly wanted to get married again, and the like._

"Oh, Nathan, you've made my dreams come true."

But a hand shaking her shoulder rudely interrupted her wonderful dream.

"Kristin? Kristin?"

"Hmm," she muttered, pulling the blankets over her head. "Go 'way."

"I'm sorry," Nathan replied. "It's just... you've been talking in your sleep for a while now. You're dreaming."

Those words pulled her back to reality as she opened her eyes and blinked a few times, pushing herself up. "Nathan?"

"I'm sorry I woke you," he said with a shrug. "I've just been listening to you for almost an hour now, and-"

She felt a rush of warmth to her cheeks. "I'm sorry. Did I wake you?"

"N-no, not at all. I've been awake for a while myself. That must have been some dream..."

"It was…strange..." she said with a nod.

"You want to talk about it?"

"No, it's all right." Then upon seeing Nathan's worried face, she placed a hand on his arm. "Not at the moment I mean, if that's all right. Thank you, though."

"Of course."

"What time is it?" she asked, noticing the lights were still dimmed.

"Just before 0600 hours. The others should be awake soon." He paused and eyed her carefully. "You sure you're all right?"

She nodded. "I promise," she said, though it had been a bit of a white lie. She was frankly still a bit shaken about her dreams. In fact, the last one was more like a memory, but... It couldn't be, could it?

And on top of all that, there was that little growing ball of guilt still present in her tummy. Oh, she'd been trying to forget it like her dream had said, but that was easier said than done. Perhaps when the others confirmed they weren't angry with her, things might be different, but for now, she couldn't shake it.

She suddenly noticed Nathan was still staring at her, concern written all over his face. She decided she ought to say something. "Um...so, do you-"

"Ah, I thought I heard voices in here," Joshua said, appearing in the doorway. "So how is the patient this morning?"

Nathan placed a hand to Kristin's shoulder. "Well, I think you're in good hands, so I'll leave you be for now. We can talk more later."

"Later," she said and then turned to Joshua. "Better. I still feel tired, but I'm better."

"Well, the fatigue is probably going to last for a while, but the rest is promising. But you're not feeling any pain? Chills?"

"Not really." Then she thought better of it. "Well, my side is a little tender still, but that can't really be helped with broken ribs. Besides, my head feels better."

"Good, good," Joshua muttered as he put the stethoscope to her chest and listened for a moment. Then he began to check her temperature and other vital signs.

After several minutes, Joshua removed his stethoscope from his ears. "Well, you seem to be improving, so I couldn't ask for anything more. I'm going to keep you here for a little while longer, but you keep this up, you'll be back in your own room before you know it," he said, flashing her a grin.

"That...that's great."

A brow rose. "You don't sound very enthusiastic. Something wrong?"

She shrugged. "Could…could I ask you something, by chance?"

"This sounds serious. Are you all right?" he asked, placing a hand on her arm.

"I..I just have some questions. Concerning this memory loss…I… I know head injuries can cause short-term memory loss. I also know some people eventually remember while others don't, but... I've personally never really gotten to see the after effects of such a diagnosis. I've never had a patient like that, so I don't know how it happens exactly. Do...do you know?"

"Kristin, I'm not exactly sure what you mean…"

She sighed. "I've been having some odd dreams… Or maybe they're memories? I don't know…but they're definitely ones I've never had before. I…I'm not sure what to make of them," she said with a shake of her head. "Is...is this common? I mean, have you ever heard of someone having odd dreams shortly after a trauma? Is that how one remembers?"

"Kristin, you know anything's possible. Every patient is different, and brain injuries... This kind of thing... Every person is different." He paused. "What kind of dreams?"

She lowered her gaze. "I'd rather not say, if you don't mind. It... It's somewhat…personal. They're just…strange."

"Then I'm not really sure I can give you a straight answer. They could just simply be dreams. Or maybe they are memories. If they're bothering you, I could see about bringing someone in. A psychologist, I mean."

She shook her head. "No…no, I don't need to speak to someone. It's nothing like that." She then forced a smile, thinking better of it. "It was silly. I'm... I'm sure it's nothing, and I...I don't think I'd feel very comfortable with a complete stranger."

He eyed her for several seconds before speaking again, "As long as you're sure…but just remember it's nothing to be ashamed about either. You know after a trauma, sometimes it helps to-"

She stiffened. "I'm fine, though. Really."

"Good to hear, but if you change your mind, I'll be happy to arrange something." He patted her arm. "Just let me know."

"I will."

"Good," he said, giving her a smile. "But since you do seem to be doing well physically, I think we can let you have more visitors, if you think you're up for it. I also think you'll be able to handle more than the liquid diet we've had you on."

"Oh, good…to both. I'm absolutely starving...and I hear the rest of the crew has been aching to see me."

Joshua chuckled softly. "That's a very good sign then. I also think we can let you get up and walk a bit…as long as you don't overdo it."

"You have my word."

He gave her shoulder a squeeze. "Food first. I'll have a nurse bring a menu in here, and you can tell her what you'd like for breakfast."

_-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_

Once Kristin was able to eat real food, her head felt a bit clearer. No, she was still a bit concerned about the dreams, but she also couldn't keep dwelling on them right now.

After breakfast, she and Cynthia took a short walk around medbay. It wasn't like strolling the corridors, but it was nice to get up and stretch her legs. Not only that Cynthia seemed in better spirits now that she was up and walking around, which helped her feel a little better. They'd been talking about anything and everything all morning.

"You know, I'm sorry about what happened, but I'm really glad I'm here with you," Cynthia said. "Sometimes I forget how much I miss you."

"Oh, sweetheart," Kristin said, pulling her into a hug. "Me, too, but...I've already told you how awful I've felt about the worry I put you through." She broke the hug and held up her right hand. "I promise you I'm turning over a new leaf. I... I can't keep hurting the people I love."

Cynthia's eyebrows knitted together as she shook her head. "That's not what I was saying. I... I never expected you to change."

Kristin waved a hand. "I know. I just... I want to make sure nothing like this happens again."

"In a week, you'll change your mind," Cynthia replied, giving her mother a smile. "Because Westphalen women don't change, remember?"

Kristin sighed. "Well, we'll play it by ear."

Just then, there was a gentle knock on the door frame, and they both turned to see Lucas, holding a bouquet of flowers and looking a little nervous.

Kristin sat up and offered him smile. "Don't be shy, dear," she said, waving him in.

Cynthia stood. "I'll give you two some time alone." She leaned over and kissed her mother on the cheek. "See you later." As she passed Lucas, she gave him a warm smile and a wink before leaving the room.

Lucas stood in the middle of the room, however, looking too afraid to move.

"You _can_ come closer, sweetheart. I won't bite," she said quietly.

Lucas gingerly approached her. "I... I just wanted to be sure I wasn't interrupting a visit with your daughter."

Kristin waved a hand. "Oh, not at all. She and I have spent lots of time together already and I've been waiting to see you…everyone, actually." She motioned to the flowers. "Are those for me?"

Lucas blushed. "Yeah…I had Ben rustle them up." He handed them over to her.

"Oh, yellow roses." She breathed in their scent. "Thank you."

Lucas smiled shyly. "I remember you saying they were your favorite. I'm glad you like them."

"I do. That was very thoughtful of you." She placed the bouquet on the bedside table. "Now are you just going to stand there all day, or are you going to hug me?" She held out her arms in waiting.

Again, he hesitated. "I...I don't want to hurt you..."

"You _won't_. Come on."

He carefully put his arms around her.

"I'm not going to break, sweetheart," she whispered, tightening her arms around him in an effort to encourage him to do the same. "Just be careful of my right side."

Lucas nodded and held her close. "I...I missed you so much."

"I've missed you, too," she said, feeling tears sting her eyes, finally breaking the embrace. "And I...I am so sorry about all of this. I never meant for any of this to happen." She heard her voice tremble as she tried to hold her tears back.

Lucas reached over to the bedside table for the box of tissues. He took one for himself and handed the rest to Kristin. "Doc, please…you don't need to apologize. I know you didn't plan this at all. And I'm the one who should be apologizing."

"You?" Kristin asked as she dabbed at her eyes. "Whatever for? You have _nothing_ to apologize for."

Lucas put his hand on hers. "You should've just left me. If you didn't go looking for me, none of this would have happened," he said softly. "This...all this..." He motioned towards her. "It's all my fault."

Kristin placed her hand on his cheek. "Oh, Lucas…no, it's not. This isn't... Well, it's certainly not _your_ fault. Not only that, do you really think I could have done that? That I could have left you without..." She shook her head. "Do you really think I could possibly go on living, knowing I could have done something to save you?"

He shrugged. "Sometimes I think it might be easier if I weren't around. I know I'm a burden to the captain, you, and the others..."

"Lucas Wolenczak," she chided. "I can't believe what I'm hearing. Is that what you really think?"

He looked at her sheepishly. "Sometimes."

She sighed. "Well, I am telling you right now that's not true. _No one_ thinks of you as a burden at all, especially the captain and me. And believe you me, Lucas, I have no regrets about what happened at all."

His brow furrowed. "You…you don't?"

She shook her head. "If God forbid, we were in the same situation, I'd do it again in a heartbeat…without a second thought."

"Doc…I…" Lucas said shakily, his eyes welling up with tears. "I don't know…what to say."

Kristin pulled him into her arms and placed a kiss to his temple. "You don't need to say anything. I love you."

"I love you, too," Lucas replied, hugging her tighter. "So much."

When she broke the hug, she had tears streaming down her cheeks, and Lucas was the same.

She took her hand and brushed away his tears. Then she tended to her own. "No more tears now, okay? And no more apologies from you. There's no need."

Lucas nodded and sniffed his nose. "Okay."

Kristin patted his cheek and smiled softly. "Good. You're feeling better then?"

Lucas' blue eyes twinkled. "Especially now that I'm here with you."

Kristin gently ruffled his hair. "I feel the same way." She put an arm around his shoulders. "So did anything else happen while I was away?"

Lucas shook his head. "Not really. I did get a little angry at the captain, though."

"He mentioned."

"We worked everything out, though," Lucas assured her.

She nodded. "He mentioned that, too."

"Do you think I was wrong?" he asked worriedly.

She thought for a moment, still absentmindedly running a hand through his hair. "I think that everyone was acting with their emotions. I don't think any of you could help what you were feeling then. I'm just glad you two worked through it."

"Me, too." Lucas laid his head on her shoulder. "Doc?"

"Yes, Lucas?"

"Next time, how about we steer clear of the storms? I'm not sure we'll be so lucky a third time."

Kristin couldn't help but laugh softly. "If that's your way of telling me to slow down, I promise you, I won't tempt fate again."

Lucas smiled. "I'm glad to hear it. I don't want to lose you."

She sighed and hugged him tighter. "The feeling's mutual."


	15. It Defines Us, Ever Reminding Us

After a few minutes, Kristin asked, "So do you feel better now?"

He nodded, pulling way to look at her. "Yeah, I promise. I...I'm sorry I was having doubts."

She waved a hand. "It happens to all of us." _Oh, if he only knew,_ she thought, not missing the irony in the situation. Here she was trying to assure him none of this was his fault when she was blaming herself for everything. The only difference was, she really didn't see how Lucas could have prevented what happened. She'd been the one who dragged him on that expedition in the first place.

Really, when it came down to it, there was no one else to blame but her, and the guilt suddenly overwhelmed her. Just hearing about how much pain she'd caused Cynthia, Joshua, Nathan, and Lucas had been excruciating enough. She wasn't sure she could handle hearing it from anyone else. She couldn't stop herself from wishing she wasn't there right now...that they'd never found her.

_They should have just left me to die._

Her bitter thought surprised her...so much so that it brought tears to her eyes. And it wasn't that the thought was appalling; it was because it was the truth. She almost gave into her emotions when Lucas' voice pulled her from her thoughts.

"I...I'm sorry," she muttered, not missing the way her voice cracked when she tried to swallow the lump in her throat. She hoped Lucas missed it. "What did you say?"

"I'd asked if you were okay," Lucas said, his voice laced with concern. "You look upset."

She bit her bottom lip, lowering her gaze. "Sorry, I'm just tired. I think it's going to be that way for a while, I'm afraid."

"Oh, okay. Well, I should let you get some sleep then." He leaned towards her and kissed her cheek. "Maybe I can come back later? I could bring a deck of cards or something?"

"I'd like that," she said, trying to force a smile. "Um...could you close the door behind you on your way out?"

"Sure thing, Doc. Sleep well," he said, making his way out the door. "See you later."

"Later," she replied.

_-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_

Lucas had a feeling something just wasn't right with the doctor. Oh, of course, she was still healing, so it only stood to reason she'd be a bit tired, not have as much energy as she normally would. But he noted something else in her behavior...something he couldn't quite put his finger on.

He might have been young, but he wasn't blind. He could tell she was near tears just moments ago. He'd never seen anyone near tears just for being tired.

As he closed the door behind him, he stood there for several minutes, listening. And sure enough, he heard soft sobs and sniffles coming from her room.

He reached for the doorknob, ready to rush in again. Was it something he'd said? Did he make her upset? He had to fix it.

But then he thought better of it, his hand falling back to his side. Even if that was the case, she'd never admit it. The doc was always doing things like that, always trying to protect him. Even though he hated being treated like a kid most of the time by some of the crew, he actually didn't mind the fact she tried to spare him pain.

He didn't feel right just leaving her like this, though. If she wouldn't talk to him, he was sure she'd confide in the captain. _Hang in there, Doc. I'm getting help,_ he thought as he headed to the captain's quarters.

_-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_

Kristin buried her face in her pillow, trying to muffle the sounds of her crying. She didn't want anyone to hear her. The last thing she wanted was anyone rushing in to comfort her. She had come to realize she didn't deserve it. The only reason they were being so nice to her now was because of what happened.

Her guilt told her they shouldn't be treating her that way at all, though. They should have been yelling at her, screaming at her. She'd hurt them all...every last one of them. And she'd cost them time and energy. Why in the hell were they being so nice to her again?

Regardless if her dream had been speaking of real events or not, Carol had been wrong. She wasn't a good woman at all. She was selfish and stubborn...and far too narrow-minded to realize how dangerous her actions had been as of late. And worse, she wished she wasn't on the _seaQuest_ right now.

She rolled over onto her side, her knees pulled up to her chest. She wanted to sleep the days away. She didn't want to see anyone else. She just wanted to wallow in pain. She didn't deserve anything more, and the sooner the others realized it, the better.

_-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_

Nathan was in his quarters, sitting on his bunk, a book in his lap. He was trying to rest as Levin had told him, but he found himself feeling rather bored. As if someone sensed his boredom, they knocked on his cabin door.

"Come in," he called.

A moment later, Lucas opened the door, giving him a shy smile.

"Hey, kiddo. Have a seat." He motioned to the chair. "What's up?"

"Uh...nothing much," he replied as he sat, nervously biting his bottom lip. "Uh...how are you feeling?"

Nathan gave him a smile. "Better, thank you." He eyed him carefully. "You haven't been worried about me, have you? I told you yesterday I-"

Lucas waved a hand. "No, no... I mean, I'm glad you're fine. I haven't been sick with worry or anything."

"Good. Something's on your mind, though?"

"Yeah... I...I've just been visiting with the doc."

"Oh, I see." His brow furrowed. "Wait, is something wrong? I was just there earlier, and-"

Lucas swallowed hard. "No... I mean, yes. I mean... She's fine, physically. I mean, she's getting better that way, and she and I...we had a really nice talk, but..."

"But what?" Nathan pressed.

"Something's not right," he replied quietly. "She...seems different. Have you noticed?"

"Oh, is that all?" Nathan shrugged, relaxing again. "Well, she's just been through something very traumatic. Of course, she's going to be a bit more tired than normal, but in a few days, she should be much better."

The young man shook his head, however. "That's not what I meant. She seems..." He sighed. "Look, I don't really know how to describe it. One minute, we were talking, and everything was fine. At least I thought. And then the next, she was near tears." He looked down at his hands. "She tried to hide it...told me she was just tired, but I knew it was a lie."

After a pause, Nathan said, "That's...to be expected. This is very emotional for her, and she might have had a memory. She had one while I was talking to her, too."

"No, it was nothing like that. I mean, she didn't say, but... I don't think she'd lie to me about that. Not only that... When I closed the door, she was crying. And I don't mean a few tears. I mean, she was sobbing...uncontrollably. She didn't think I heard her, but I did." He looked into Nathan's eyes. "Something's not right, and she wouldn't talk to me about it."

"And you want me to talk to her?" he guessed.

"Well...she probably thinks I wouldn't understand. I just...I don't want to see her hurting. I don't know what's wrong, but... I think she needs to talk to someone." His voice was quiet but desperate.

"All right, I see your point," he said, moving to stand. "I'll go right now."

"Thanks," Lucas replied, cracking a smile. "Just...just don't tell her I sent you. I don't want to embarrass her or anything."

"I promise," Nathan said, putting an arm around his shoulders. "Try not to worry, okay?"

"Okay."

Nathan walked him out the door. "Go do something fun, get your mind off all this. I'll come find you later, let you know how it goes."

"Well, there is a new video game that just came out..." Lucas said thoughtfully.

"Go play it," Nathan said.

Lucas grinned. "All right, I will."

Nathan watched him go. Just before he turned the corner, he had an afterthought. "And, Lucas?"

"Yeah?" he said, turning back to him.

"Thanks for letting me know."

"Anytime," Lucas replied, disappearing around the corner.

Nathan sighed and then headed to medbay. As he walked down the corridor, he heard Joshua's voice from another patient room, so he decided not to speak with him and walked to Kristin's room.

The door was closed, as Lucas had said, so he listened for a few moments and heard nothing. He knocked gently and waited a moment.

When he received no answer, he decided to go inside, only to find her asleep. He quietly approached the bed and carefully examined her. Her face was pale, but then she'd been that way since sheb'd woke. However, it did look tear-stained as well.

He sighed. Maybe Lucas was right. He took a seat in the chair. He'd have to wait until she woke up, but he was going to get to the bottom of this.

_-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_

_"Angel face?"_

_Kristin looked around and saw that she couldn't quite recognize her surroundings. Sh e was standing in the most beautiful green field she'd ever seen, people all around her. The sun was deliciously warm, and there were flowers of all colors everywhere, their light fragrance filling the air. The sky was the bluest she'd ever seen it, and there were white, puffy clouds here and there._

_"Angel face!" she heard again, bringing her attention back down to the ground. As she looked through the crowd, she realized she didn't recognize any of the people. She was about to ask an elderly woman if she knew her brother when she felt a hand on her shoulder._

_"Hey, there, angel face."_

_She turned and wrapped her arms around her brother. "Oh, James, I've missed you."_

_He hugged her back. "Same here. I'm so happy to see you're back where you belong."_

_Kristin pulled away. "Belong? You mean I should be here? I...I'd wondered." Her brow furrowed. "Is that why I've been feeling-"_

_He put a halting hand on her arm and shook his head. "No, this **isn't** where you belong. I was referring to the fact that you are back safe and sound with your friends." _

_"Oh..." She tried to mask her disappointment._

_"I brought you here…but it's just a visit." He took her hand in his and gently pulled. "First, though, we need to go somewhere more private." He led her through the crowd until they reached a walkway leading up to a small blue house with white shutters._

_He opened the door, which led to a living room holding a large, overstuffed sofa. He sat down and sighed happily. "This is more like it." And upon seeing she was still standing, he patted the spot next to him. "Come on, have a seat."_

_She finally did. " James, I'm not sure I-"_

_"I know you don't…yet. That's why I brought you here. You need to leave your regrets behind."_

_"That's...easier said than done. I...I hadn't even realize how much guilt I had until just a short while ago."_

_James sat next to her and put an arm around her shoulders. "Oh, angel face, I know…but you really have no reason to feel the way you're feeling."_

_She turned to look at him. "No reason?" She shook her head. "No, I think I have every reason. I keep hearing about how hellish it was while I was missing…how upset Lucas was, how upset Nathan was, how upset Cynthia was. And the list goes on, I'm sure. I'm going to be hearing about how upset everyone was while I was missing for days… And...and it was all because of **me**. I caused that pain, that upset." She crossed her arms over her chest. "How could I **not** feel bad about that?" _

_James sighed, putting an arm around her shoulders. "I'm not telling you not to feel bad. Of course you're going to empathize; you've always have had a knack for that. That's why you're a doctor, but you also need to separate yourself. You need to realize that no one could prevent what happened. And that other thing you said..."_

_She lowered her gaze._

_"You know you don't really mean that. You're just upset."_

_She shrugged. "I...I don't know how to stop feeling that way, though."_

_"I understand, but... What happened was meant to be, as difficult as it was. There isn't anything you could have done to prevent it. If you hadn't gone on that expedition, the universe would have found another way."_

_Her eyebrows knitted together in confusion. "You mean it wasn't my choice?"_

_"It was...and it wasn't," he replied. "But sometimes, the universe is hellbent on throwing important lessons into the works. Maybe you wouldn't have been lost in a snowstorm had you not gone to Alaska, but somewhere along the way, something similar would have happened."_

_"So I was damned from the start. Wonderful," she said dryly._

_He smiled. "Damned isn't quite the word. Regardless, it doesn't mean you need to take the burden of what happened on for everyone else. Do you see what I'm saying?"_

_She paused for several minutes. "That doesn't exactly change the way I feel."_

_He placed a gentle kiss to her forehead. "I know…but that will fade as the days go on. You just need to let go and realize that what happened was a lesson for **everyone** involved, not just you. The pain you're experiencing, the pain they were experiencing...still are experiencing... It's part of the lesson." _

_"But why-"_

_James shook his head. "The **why** is something you all need to discover for yourselves. However, I think you might already know the answer...or at least part of it anyway," he replied. "Carol told you that." _

_"Carol?" she asked with a raised eyebrow. "You mean you know about her?"_

_James smiled softly. "Sorry, I'd forgotten you didn't know."_

_"Know what?" She shook her head. "I am **sick** of all the riddles!" She stood and walked to the window. "This is nothing against you, but I wish none of this would have happened."_

_"I know, but I don't have access to a time machine," he quipped._

_She turned and gave him a look. "This isn't the time for jokes. Why can't anyone give me a straight answer on anything lately?"_

_James stood and put his hands on her shoulders. "It's because you already know the answers. You just don't want to admit it yet."_

_Kristin groaned in frustration. "That's exactly what Carol said, but if I knew all the answers, I wouldn't be asking. I honestly don't remember what happened to me over the past few days. Carol had told me my soul was on a journey. But as you know, I can't even remember that journey. How...how am I supposed to figure anything out if I can't remember?" She buried her head in her hands. "Oh, James, I'm just so confused."_

_James put his arms around her. "I know, and I'm sorry."_

_"What do I do?"_

_"You need to take your time. These memories...they're going to keep coming to you. Some in dreams, some while you're awake... I'm not sure if you'll remember everything, but you'll start remembering more and more."_

_"And then what?" she asked, her voice sounding so small, it even surprised her._

_"I think you know I can't tell you that. That's something you need to decide for yourself." He paused for a moment and pulled away to look at her. "In all the years I've known you, I don't think I've seen you quite so afraid."_

_"I…I'm not sure if I'm afraid exactly...just unsure. I'm not sure how to move on... I can't escape the pain, the emotions. And on top of that..." She trailed off. On top of that, she knew there had to have been something that happened with Nathan. That last dream...that kiss..._

_"I'm not exactly the person you should be talking to about **that** , you know." _

_She sighed. "Everything's happening so fast, and part of me is trying to make sense of it before I do that."_

_He pulled her back into his arms. "Oh, baby sister, I understand, but did you ever stop to think that maybe he's doing the exact same thing?"_

_"You think?"_

_"I know," he confirmed before sighing. "Kristin, I promise you, you are going to be just fine. You just need to stop putting so much pressure on yourself, let things fall into place. They will. And most importantly, you need to relax. Everything's fine. I promise you."_

_"But... I don't think I can. I'm so-"_

_"Yes, you can. You need to remember you're not alone in this. You will get by, but you need to talk to them, not to me."_

_She bit her lip. As much as she hated to admit it, he was right._

_"Do you think you can do that?" he asked after a moment._

_"I might need a little time, but...eventually," she said with a nod._

_"You're your own worst enemy right now," he told her. "You need to fight that."_

_She nodded quietly. " You're going to send me back now, aren't you?"_

_"You can't stay. I just knew you needed a pep talk. And if you don't listen to me, I'll do it again."_

_She smiled softly. "I will try," she promised, giving him a hug. "I miss you so much."_

_" Me, too, but I'm always with you, and I'll always be there if you need me."_

_-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_

When Kristin awoke, she felt somewhat comforted, though she was still very confused. She felt wetness on her cheeks and realized she must have been crying in her sleep. She wiped at her cheeks, trying to erase the evidence when she noticed Nathan, sitting in the chair in the corner, a worried look on his face. "Um, hello," she said quietly. "How long have you been here?"

He shrugged. "Not long."

"You know, I appreciate you not wanting to leave my side, but you don't need to be here 24/7," she said with a soft smile.

"I know, but..." His brow furrowed. "Are you all right?"

"It's not like much has changed over the past few hours..."

He shook his head, standing and walking to her side. "That's not exactly what I meant. It's just Lucas... He came to see me, and he was worried about you."

"Worried about me? I don't..." She shook her head. "I might have gotten a bit emotional when he was here. Um, it was nothing."

He put a hand on her shoulder. "You're sure? Kris, if there's anything you want to talk about, you know I'm here for you."

"I...I know," she replied, shutting her eyes and taking a breath. "I... It...it's not that I don't want to talk, but I...I need some time to sort things out myself first. It...it's nothing you need to worry about, though."

"All right..." he replied.

Kristin didn't miss his disappointment, however. "I promise you're the first one I'll speak to when I'm ready, though."

He smiled, putting a hand over hers. "I'm glad to hear it."

_-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_

Carol sighed from her corner of the room. Despite all her efforts, something _still_ wasn't right. She carefully approached Kristin, placing a hand on her shoulder. Of course, she couldn't see, feel, or hear her, but the comfort was more for her than for Kristin.

"There you are."

Carol turned around to see James, offering him a weak smile. "James… I thought you were on another assignment?"

He shook his head. "I finished early, and given the circumstances, I had to come see how things were."

"I understand completely," she said with a sigh. "Then you know with everything we've told her, she still isn't listening."

He shrugged. "Well, it's still a bit early. With time-"

"Yes, but she can't keep on this way. She's not even admitting her problem to anyone...hardly even herself."

"Well, as you know, my baby sister is terribly stubborn," he replied.

"Yes, but this goes _beyond_ stubbornness. Guilt is a very difficult thing to let go, especially when she's carrying so much of it. And the more of the crew that comes to see her, tell her what they went through while she was missing, the worse it's going to get. She's going to shut down completely."

"Orders from Headquarters suggest that we let nature take its course. This is supposed to be up to her..."

"Yes, well, if she's not emotionally stable enough to handle such things... Let Headquarters come escort me away themselves," she replied. "Besides, if you were really willing to accept what Headquarters said, you wouldn't be here either."

"So you're suggesting we break orders?"

She shrugged. "Perhaps your sister is rubbing off on me."

He smiled. "Well, be that as it may, Kristin's always been able to bounce back. She's a fighter. You know that."

"You haven't been here the whole time. You haven't seen how she's been with everyone. She's not acting like herself," Carol pointed out. "Apologizing for things that clearly aren't her fault."

"I did hear her wish she'd never come back," he admitted quietly.

"See?"

"But that's how survivor's guilt is," he said after a moment. "You know it's difficult to push past. She just needs time. She just told Nathan she'd speak to him when she was ready."

Carol nodded. "I know…I know this is all natural, but I'm worried. And she could be fibbing." She put an arm around Kristin's shoulders. "This isn't something she'll easily bounce back from."

James pondered this for several minutes. "You don't know my sister, though. She's never needed anyone else in the past. She's strong. I think you're underestimating her."

Carol sighed. "But she's never had something quite like this happen to her. Not only that, we both know that strength might be somewhat exaggerated. Not that I'm suggesting she's not strong; quite the opposite. What I mean is, she isn't immune to the pain. And we both know she's feeling it more than she cares to admit."

"So you want to do a bit of meddling?" he guessed.

"Well, you needn't make it sound so sordid. It's not meddling; it's _helping_ ," she corrected. "Joshua had suggested she speak with someone, you know."

"And she refused?"

Carol nodded. "You think she'd be upset if he brought someone in anyway?"

James smiled. "This is my sister we're talking about. You obviously know how she can be."

"I don't want to upset her, though. She just needs a little help…because if we don't, things aren't going to work out for Nathan and her after all," she said sadly.

James raised an eyebrow at her.

"Okay, okay," she said, nervously wringing her hands. "So I might have done a little bit of cheating and peeked at what might happen with these two." She let out a sigh. "There are several different outcomes, some of them very good and some of them not so good."

"Carol, you know we're not allowed to get so deeply involved. As much as I love my sister and want her to be happy, you know we can't manipulate them like this."

"Making sure she gets the help she needs is _not_ manipulation, in my opinion anyway." She softened. "James, I saw what could happen if we leave them now. She's going to shut everyone who cares about her out. It'll ruin her career…and ultimately her life. I don't want that for her…and I _know_ you don't either. Regardless of whether or not she and Nathan end up together, this is for her well-being. If you don't believe me, I'll show you…but be warned, it's not easy to watch."

"All right," he relented. "You're right. I don't want that for her…and no, I don't need to see it." He looked towards Kristin. "I couldn't bear it. I've seen her in enough pain as it is." He then turned his attention back to her. "So how exactly do you suggest we do it?"

"I don't think there's anything wrong with a little subliminal messaging, do you? I figured we'd go to Joshua's room and suggest he bring a doctor in. Truth told, he was already thinking about it anyway. He has a friend who happens to be a medical doctor and a psychologist. With Kristin being off duty for a little while, he's going to be pretty overwhelmed between the science and medical labs. He knows he needs help, so he's just inches away from bringing her aboard, though there is one thing standing in his way."

"He's worried about upsetting her?"

She nodded. "Bingo…however, once she's on board, I have a feeling Kristin will welcome it."

James shook his head. "You don't know my sister."

Carol laughed and grabbed his hand. "Oh, I think I do. Lately, I think I know her better than you. Come on, we have work to do."


	16. That Life Never Is

"So how are you feeling now? Physically, I mean?" Nathan asked.

Kristin smiled softly. "Again, not that much has changed in the last few hours. I do wish you'd find something else to do besides worry about me."

He sighed. "I know, and I'm sorry if I've made you feel...uncomfortable."

"Not uncomfortable exactly. It's just...I don't want to put anyone out. I've done enough of that already."f

A brow rose. "Is that what you think?"

"Well, I-"

A knock at the door cut her off as they both turned to see Joshua. "Sorry, am I interrupting anything?"

"Not at all," Kristin replied, giving Nathan a 'please, just drop it for now' look.

"I guess that means I should probably go so the doctor can do what he needs," Nathan said as he turned to go.

Joshua caught his arm, however. "Actually, this concerns you, too, Captain." He turned back to Kristin. "I'm really not here to poke and prod...this time. I wanted to talk about something else," he said, pulling up a chair.

Kristin sat up. "And what's that?"

"Well, we all know you're going to need time to heal. Even after you're released from medbay, you won't be going back to work right away," he said.

"Oh, is that all?" Kristin replied. "Well, yes, we've already discussed that. I was thinking I'd be released from medbay within the next few days...and then I could be back to work as early as next week. I won't keep you hanging for too long, I promise."

Nathan and Joshua exchanged a look.

"What's that about?" she asked. "Is there something wrong with that plan?"

Joshua hesitated. "I think you're going to need more time than that. I was thinking two weeks...maybe three...or more. It really all depends on you, and I don't want to push you to return if you can't handle it."

Her brow furrowed. "But...I'd _have_ to handle it. You can't handle the science labs and medbay all by yourself. The staff is stretched thin as it is."

"Yeah, I know," he replied. "That's why I've thought of a solution."

"And that is?" she pressed.

"I was recently speaking with an old colleague of mine, and she's had a lull in her work schedule. I'd like to bring her aboard for a few weeks to help out while you recover. There won't be any pressure on you, and it will definitely lift a weight off my shoulders." He patted her knee. "So what do you think?"

Kristin shook her head, however. "But even when I'm well enough to be released, I don't plan on sleeping my life away. I...I don't need to be in the labs full time, but I thought I could start lending a hand soon. I think you're worrying for nothing. I'll be fine. You don't need to bring in a stranger."

Joshua sighed. "You had said you wouldn't argue about your recovery."

"I...I'm not arguing. I just..." She trailed off. Okay, maybe she was arguing a little, but she suddenly felt somewhat threatened. And she couldn't stand the thought of someone taking over her job.

Nathan put a hand on her shoulder. "It's only for a little while Kris. It's not like she'll be replacing you."

"That's exactly right," Joshua said with a nod. "And not only is she a medical doctor, but she's a psychologist as well."

Kristin's jaw fell open. "Oh, I see. You thought you'd bring her in here to talk to me, to help me deal with...everything. And I'd be perfectly content with it, is that it?"

"Kristin, even if you feel _physically_ fine, your mental state is going to need a bit of work. If your mind isn't well enough, you know that could be a detriment to the patients...and to yourself."

She crossed her arms over her chest. "I had already told you I didn't need to talk to anyone. I'm fine. After some rest, I'll be right as rain. You'll see."

Joshua held up his hands. "Whatever you say. I just wanted to let you know she's got the expertise if you need it. No one can force you to speak with her; that's up to you. Regardless, I'm the acting assistant medical officer, and I'm pulling rank. I'm bringing Dr. Smith on until I deem you fit to go back to work. Understood?"

She opened her mouth the speak but then thought better of it. She had promised she wouldn't be combative, even if the news wasn't exactly what she wanted to hear. She bit the inside of her cheek to avoid saying anything nasty, even though she was thinking it, and nodded quietly.

Joshua gave her shoulder a squeeze. "Good, I appreciate it. I'm sure once you meet her, you'll like her. I'll let you know when she's expected to arrive." He stood. "Well, if there's nothing else, I'll leave you two alone. See you later."

"Later," Nathan called as the doctor left before turning to Kristin. "That went well."

"Did you know about this?" she asked.

"No, but... It's not really a surprise, is it? If you were in his shoes, wouldn't you do the same thing?"

She shrugged. "Bring someone in to help? Yes. But, Nathan, a _psychologist_? Really? You don't think that's some sort of devious plan of his to get me to open up? To tell all my sorrows to a complete stranger? I find it a little difficult to believe it's all innocent on his part."

"Well, you're not being very forthcoming now..." he said quietly.

"Because I'd already told you I'm trying to sort things out for myself!" she cried. "How can I talk to you...or anyone...until I can figure out what it is I'm feeling?" She sighed, softening a bit. "It isn't that I don't want to talk. I'm just... I need time."

He took her hand. "I...I know, but having a psychologist right here? It's not really that bad of an idea, is it? If you can't figure out what you're feeling, maybe she can? I mean...you have been through something very traumatic-"

"My God, don't you think I know that?" she snapped. "I've only been hearing about since I woke up. I know I've been through something traumatic. I wouldn't be in this bed if I hadn't been through something traumatic, but I also don't need to be reminded of it every two seconds."

Nathan sighed. "I wasn't trying to make you angry, and neither was Joshua."

"I am _not_ angry," she said through gritted teeth.

"Well, you're certainly not happy about it," he pointed out, sighing once again. "Just think about it, okay? It couldn't hurt, and we're only suggesting it because we care about you."

She nodded but didn't speak.

"Look, I think I've bothered you enough for now." He moved to kiss her forehead. "I'll leave you to rest. Maybe if you sleep on it, you'll feel differently?"

"Fine," she relented. "I'll think about it, but...I think you're all worrying for nothing."

"Maybe so," he agreed. "But... Well, thinking about it is better than nothing. See you later."

She watched him walk out the door and then sighed. She wasn't angry, but she was incredibly frustrated. The funny thing was, part of her -the rational part- knew that Joshua and Nathan were absolutely correct. She was having a little trouble dealing with everything that had happened. Well, more than a little trouble actually. However, she'd never once needed help from anyone before. When her family heard of the news that James had been killed tragically, she didn't break the way the people had expected. No, she'd been the one comforting everyone else around her. She'd been the glue that held her family together, not the one who'd fallen apart. Certainly, she'd grieved. Losing her brother had been one of the worst moments in her life, but she got past it. She'd moved on.

And then when her marriage had crumbled beneath her feet, despite her efforts to prevent it, she didn't fall into a deep depression like people had said she would. She couldn't possibly. Cynthia had been depending on her. She'd grieved over that, too, spent many night crying her eyes out. But the next morning, she'd greeted her daughter with a smile and pushed through her day. Then she did the same with the next day and the day after. And eventually, that pain had subsided as well. She'd survived.

So why in the world was this situation any different? Why was everyone suddenly suggesting the way she was dealing with it wasn't healthy? She'd only had a couple of days to deal with it as it was She wasn't sure what exactly they had expected. They're the ones who kept telling her it was traumatic. Well, she was the one who'd lived it. Didn't she know that better than any of them?

Yet, they were insisting she wasn't dealing with the trauma properly. She hadn't even had _time_ to deal with it properly. Even James had told her she'd needed to push past it all. She was trying. She'd been trying to wrap her head around things, sort it all out for herself. Once she felt she did that, then she'd talk, but... She felt like they weren't being very patient with her. Granted, she'd felt guilty over everything, but how could she not? It was easier said than done to let go, but couldn't they see she was trying?

Well...maybe she wasn't trying as hard as she could; she'd even thought some things she shouldn't, but... She still didn't need to see a psychologist. She didn't care how good a doctor this Dr. Smith was, she wouldn't be confiding in her that way. Oh, she'd be cordial, possibly even commend her on a fine job. But talk to her about her problems? No way in hell. She could deal with whatever was going on with her on her own.

Admittedly, though all the talking...all the thinking...made her rather exhausted already, even though she'd been awake for only a short while. Sleep would at least help her forget about everything for the time being...and better yet, the others would let her be.

_-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_

"I told you she wouldn't like the idea," James said.

Carol sighed, crossing her arms over her chest. "She won't speak with the psychologist at all, will she?"

"As a patient? Not a chance in hell," he replied.

She put a finger to her chin. "Not on her own, you mean."

A brow rose. "You've got this all planned, don't you?"

Carol shook her head. "But right now, she's convinced she doesn't need anyone's help. I've already seen that if she stays on this current path, not accepting help from anyone, it's going to ruin her. She paused. "Did she get help during the other traumas in her life?"

"You're asking me?" he asked, a hand to his chest.

"Well, you'd been watching, weren't you? I know I watched Nathan. Was she completely alone?"

He shook his head. "I'm not sure what you're getting at."

"She thinks she got through all her past troubles on her own...and maybe she did, but I'm going to guess that's not entirely true." She motioned towards the sleeping Kristin. "Not that she's lying, mind you. I think she just might be remembering wrong." She looked at James. "When you died, she at least had the rest of your family around her. She might have been the strongest one, but I'm sure having others around helped her in the long run. And I'm sure it was the same thing with her divorce. So I thought if we... Well, _I_ , if you don't mind, reminded her she wasn't exactly alone, she'd realize she can't through this on her own either."

After a pause, he nodded. "You really want her and Nathan to be together, don't you?"

"Well, like I've told them both, it's entirely up to them, but I don't want the door shut either. If we leave it all up to fate, the door will be shut, never to be opened again." She shook her head. "She'll never find another man out there like Nathan. I really just want her to be happy...and Nathan, too, of course. As for them being together, I hope it happens for them. You can see they're good together."

"When they're not arguing, yes," he said with a soft smile, moving to sit on the bed next to his sleeping sister.

"She's only arguing because she's carrying so much baggage... Someone needs to help her get rid of it." She bit her bottom lip. "If Headquarters does step in..."

James moved to put an arm around her shoulder. "I'll back you up. I've thought about it, and you're right. This isn't manipulation. She needs the help...and I think it's better coming from you than me. I'm a bit too soft on her, I think."

Carol grinned. "You mean well, though. But in this case, she needs a little tough love. I have no problem giving that. So you don't mind me stepping in?"

"Not at all. Besides, I'm sure I'm going to be assigned to a new case any time now. I might not be around to see how this ends..."

"I promise I'll tell you all about it. Um, well...I guess I've got work to do."

"Good luck," James replied.

She gave him a hug. "Thank you. See you later."

_-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_

_Once again, Kristin was on the beach of Nathan's island. She looked around in all directions but didn't see anyone. "I wonder if this is going to be a repeat occurrence," she muttered softly._

_"It might be if you keep on the way you've been," Carol replied, her arms crossed over her chest._

_Kristin sighed, matching Carol's body language. "I suppose you're angry with me, too? Well, join the club."_

_Carol shook her head. "No one is angry with you."_

_"Well, they're not very happy with me...and I can't say I blame them either. I haven't been making it easy."_

_"No, that's true, but the one you're making it the most difficult for is yourself," Carol pointed out._

_Kristin lowered her gaze. "It's not from lack of trying, you know."_

_Carol sighed, moving to put an arm around her shoulders. "Oh, sweetie, I know. I wasn't..." She shook her head. "I wasn't angry with you. Nathan, Joshua, your daughter...none of them are angry. Neither are any of the other crew members. They just want you to talk to them about what happened."_

_"That's just it," she replied, running a hand through her hair. "I still can't remember everything that happened and...I'm trying to sort out everything first for myself before I do. That can't happen overnight."_

_"And no one's expecting it to."_

_"Then why is everyone acting like I should be talking about all this right away?" She shook her head. "I don't think they're being very patient."_

_"Patience has nothing to do with it. It's not that they're being impatient, but they are saying you need to face things head-on. Obviously, this isn't your first rodeo. You've dealt with difficult times before, yes?"_

_She nodded. "Of course. And I didn't need anyone then either. When James died, I got through it on my own. The same with my divorce. The same when my own parents died. This is a different situation, of course, and maybe I need a little more time than I did then, but... I just need time."_

_Carol was quiet for several minutes before holding out her hand. "Come on, we're going on a field trip."_

_Her brow furrowed. "This isn't enough of one already?"_

_"You'll see my point soon enough. Take my hand."_

_Kristin hesitated for a moment but the did so. Instantly, she saw a flash of light, and she found they were no longer on the beach anymore. They were standing on a sidewalk outside a familiar-looking yellow house with red shutters and a large oak tree in the front. It took her a minute realize it was her childhood home._

_"Are we going to stand out here all day?" Carol asked her._

_A brow rose. "But why are we-"_

_The blonde woman gently pulled on her hand. "Come on, let's go inside."_

_As soon as they walked through the door, Kristin instantly knew what day it was. The house was filled with relatives, all looking somber, all dressed in black. "James' funeral," she muttered, her voice barely above a whisper. Before she could ask why she had brought her to relive such a difficult day, Carol pulled her up the stairs without a word._

_When they reached the third door on the left, Kristin carefully turned the knob and walked inside. There was her twenty-year-old self sitting on her bed, quietly weeping. She turned to Carol, afraid to ask the questions weighing on her mind._

_"She can't see, hear, or feel you," Carol said softly. "Just watch."_

_Kristin turned back to her younger self, listening quietly._

_"Oh, James," she cried. "Why... Why did you have to go now? We weren't ready to say goodbye. We had plans, remember? I don't know how we'll make it by without you now." She buried her face in her pillow, sobbing softly._

_Kristin wanted to wrap her arms around her younger self, tell her it was going to be all right, that she'd get through this when the door opened, and her grandmother walked in. She walked to her bed and sat down next to her._

_"Here you are, Krissy, dear. People have been asking about you."_

_"I can't face them, Granny," she muttered through her tears. "I just want to be alone. I...I can't believe he's gone."_

_The older woman pulled the young Kristin into her arms and held her. "Oh, I know, darling," she said, rubbing her back, her own tears flowing. "When things like this happen, we're never ready to say goodbye. But that's also how it works."_

_"What...what do you mean?"_

_"When your grandpa died a few years ago, I thought it was the end of the world. I wanted to stay in bed for the rest of my days. But do you know what helped me through?"_

_"What?"_

_Her grandmother gently pushed her up and pressed a finger to her chest. "You."_

_"Me?" she asked with a shake of her head. "But I don't... I remember visiting you, but I...I didn't do anything."_

_"Yes, you did," her grandmother insisted. "You stayed with me for a few weeks; do you remember? You took care of me, took care of all the household duties. You reminded me I wasn't alone." She placed a kiss to her granddaughter's cheek. "You're not alone in this either. I'm here for you. We're all her for you, darling." She paused. "You need to get away from all this. Why don't you come stay with me for a while?"_

_She bit her bottom lip. "But Mummy and Daddy... They shouldn't be alone."_

_"They're coming, too. At least stay until you need to go back to your residency, hm? We'll get through this together, sweetheart."_

_The young Kristin hugged her grandmother tightly as the two continued to speak._

_"You see why I've brought you here now?" Carol asked. "You weren't exactly alone, were you?"_

_"All right, I see your point, but this...this is a little different. No one's mourning a death, and...family is always around when someone passes away," Kristin replied._

_Carol nodded. "You're right." She pulled on Kristin's arm again. "Next stop."_

_"Wait-" But before Kristin could finish her thought, there was yet another flash of light. She instantly knew where she was as soon as she saw herself sitting on her bed, crying, a letter in her hand. Her jaw dropped as she turned to Carol. "This day..."_

_"The day Nelson left you," Carol said. "He couldn't even tell you to your face."_

_"Yes, well, I'd suspected for a while," she replied quietly. "The letter only confirmed it. Funny thing was, everyone in our circle of friends had known about it. I was the last to know."_

_Carol put a comforting arm around her shoulders. "I know, sweetie...but again, we just need to watch."_

_Kristin did so, as difficult as it was. Oh, she hadn't romantic feelings for Nelson anymore; she hadn't in years, but it still wasn't easy. She didn't particularly like reliving one of the most painful times in her life. The woman on the bed...a woman fifteen years younger than she...put a hand over her mouth, trying to quiet the quiet sobs coming from her throat._

_Just then, a little girl walked in: five-year-old Cynthia. "Mummy! Where were you? I've been calling for you. I can't find Mr. Pickles." Mr. Pickles had been Cynthia's stuffed bear, and she'd taken him everywhere as a child. She paused and eyed her mother. "What's wrong? Why are you crying?"_

_"I..." the younger Kristin said, trying to keep her tears at bay. "I just got some very bad news. There's...there's no easy way to say this, but... Daddy... He's going to be away for a while, but you need to know it isn't your fault. It...it'll be a long while, actually. He'll still visit you, but he and I..." She trailed off, her tears overtaking her once again._

_The girl scooted onto her mother's lap and gave her a hug. "It's okay, Mummy. It's going to be okay. I'm right here. I won't leave you."_

_After a few moments, Kristin pulled away to look at her. "It isn't your job to worry about me, darling. I'm fine. Everything will be fine." She wiped her eyes and helped her to stand. "Now just where has Mr. Pickles gone? We better go look." She held out her hand to her._

_"You're sure?" Cynthia asked, not attempting to move. "You still look upset."_

_The younger Kristin sighed. "I might be for a little while, but I will be fine...eventually. I promise. Some things might change around here, but there's one thing that won't change...and that's you and me."_

_Cynthia nodded, wrapping her arms around her mother's waist. "We'll always be together."_

_As the two went off to look for Mr. Pickles, Kristin turned away, tears in her eyes at the memory._

_Carol pulled her into her arms. "You weren't alone then either. In the most difficult times in your life, you might have thought you were alone, but you weren't. Your grandmother helped you through James' death, Cynthia helped you through your divorce... You've always had someone there supporting you, encouraging you..."_

_Kristin pulled away, wiping at her eyes. "I'm not alone now either, am I? The whole crew is there..."_

_"But you're pushing them away, honey," Carol replied. "I understand you're feeling overwhelmed...and so unsure of yourself, but..." She sighed. "I know you don't want to hear this at all, but you need to open up to them. Don't close yourself off. Don't shut them out. You're not going to get through this alone." She paused. "I'm going to assume you don't need me showing you anything more."_

_Kristin shook her head quietly, and Carol obliged, bringing them back to the island's beach. "You think I should speak with the psychologist, too, don't you?"_

_"I'm not telling you to do anything you don't want to do," Carol replied. "I just don't think you should rule it out so quickly either. If you can't talk to the rest of the crew, then it might help to talk to someone who doesn't know everything about what happened right now. Everyone, including me, just wants to see you heal. You've got the physical part covered, but the emotional part is going to take a lot of work. You can't do it alone."_

_She nodded. "I hadn't realized..." She placed a hand to her head. "And I was short with Joshua...yelled at Nathan..."_

_"It's already forgiven, dear. Just start anew... Tell them what you're feeling. I know you're confused. Say that. Just getting it out...wouldn't that be a burden off your shoulders?"_

_"I suppose... I guess I just thought they wanted me to talk once I'd remembered everything," she said with a shrug. "If I remember everything, that is."_

_"You're still putting too much pressure on yourself, dear. Just relax. No one's expecting miracles. They just want to help. Let them."_

_"All...all right."_

_"You don't sound very confident," Carol noted. "I didn't do this all for nothing. I don't want you to say it and then not do it."_

_Kristin looked her in the eye. "I promise I will talk to someone."_

_She smiled. "Good. You'll get through this, Kristin. Believe that, but you can't do it without your friends."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case any of you are math whizzes, you might be wondering how Kristin can be twenty and doing her residency. Well, I'd thought about that, too...and honestly, I don't have an answer. But canon says her birth year was 1977, making her forty-one in the first season. I'm guessing Cynthia would have been at least twenty. That means Kristin would have had to have been married and have had her daughter by age twenty-one. We also know she had various fellowships and the like. I'm guessing she had to have gotten an early start on medical school, or there would have been no way she would have been done with all those degrees by the time she was on seaQuest. I did the math, and I decided it had to be that way.


	17. More Precious Than This

As soon as she awoke, a whole slew of thoughts ran through Kristin's mind. She decided she was going to need to start a journal of some sort in order to keep track of these dreams. Even if they were only dreams, there was certainly some wisdom to them. No, she still couldn't tell if the ghost of Carol Bridger was really speaking to her from beyond the grave, but whatever it was, _whomever_ it was, she was certain it was meant to help her.

She also had every intention of doing what Carol had told her to do: talk. Or at least she was going to try; she had no idea exactly what she was going to say, but she knew he wanted to share her feelings with someone. Her eyes snapped to the chair in the corner of the room, and her heart sank slightly when she saw no one.

She sighed dejectedly, only half-expecting to see Nathan there. She had pushed him away. Since she'd yelled at him, he was probably going to avoid her the rest of the day. She wanted to run to him, make things right, but she couldn't exactly walk to his quarters to apologize right now. She only hoped he'd come by later so she could apologize, assure him she didn't quite mean it. That was yet another thing added to her guilt list.

She was just about to call a nurse for some paper and a pen when a gentle knock on the door pulled her from her thoughts, and she perked up. "Come in."

Joshua poked his head inside. "Glad to see you're awake."

Well, it wasn't Nathan, but it was a good start. She gave him a small smile. "I had a very nice nap, thank you." She looked down at her hands. "Um...I know before I was rather short with you and-"

He waved a hand. "Kristin, I know, and I understand. It's okay."

"No, it isn't. Honestly, I was more... Well, I'm a bit of a control freak, and the thought of someone else coming in here... It grated on my nerves a bit, but I thought about it, and... I can let go for a little while. You're right. Even if my physical side is better, my mental side will take work. So I really am sorry about before."

He patted her leg gently. "It's all right, really. Apology accepted, and I'm glad you are feeling better about it...because Dr. Smith will be arriving on a launch sometime this evening. She actually has two full months free, so she's here as long as we need her."

"Good," she replied. "Not that I think we'll need her that long..."

"Neither do I, but that takes the pressure of you." He paused. "That nap really did do you well. You seem...in much better spirits."

She felt a smile tug at the corners of her mouth. "I am feeling better. I think maybe I'm finally realizing I need to stop pushing everyone away. It's going to take a bit of work, but...I'm not feeling as overwhelmed as I was before."

He took her hand. "I'm really glad to hear you say that. It's a big step just admitting it, and you know-"

A quiet knock cut him off, and they turned to see Katie standing in the doorway. "Hi, the captain had told us we could visit, but that we shouldn't bombard you. Is this a good time? If not, I could always come back later…"

Joshua waved a hand. "No, of course not, come in. I was just leaving anyway." He turned to Kristin. "We can continue this later. Have fun."

Kristin nodded, offering him another smile. She hadn't expected to have to shift her efforts to someone else so quickly, but maybe this was a good thing. And she hadn't seen Katie since before her trip.

"Well, we were also reminded you needed your rest," Katie said, moving to give her a hug. "I just wanted to be careful."

"I do appreciate the thoughtfulness, but I've really missed you."

"I...I've missed you, too, Doc...but I'm just glad you're okay," she whispered, her voice thick with emotion. "You...you gave us quite a scare there for a minute." When she pulled away, she had tears in her eyes; she immediately grabbed a tissue from the bedside table and blew her nose.

Kristin felt her own yes fill with tears. "I think I scared myself."

The younger woman took her hand. "At least you're back safe and sound now."

Kristin nodded, taking a deep breath. "Be that as it may, I...I want you to know how very sorry I am for everything."

Katie shook her head. "Oh, Doc…no, please. I never meant for you to feel guilty."

A few tears suddenly slipped out. "I know that, dear, but I…" Her voice trailed off as another flash of memory came to her. _She had been walking through the corridors; it was late, and she saw Katie looking upset, worried. She tried to speak with her, placed a hand on her shoulder…and it went through._

"Doc? Are you feeling all right?" Katie asked, every word was laced with concern.

Kristin was suddenly brought back to reality. "Um, what?"

"I had asked if you were okay," Katie replied. "You suddenly don't look very well; your face is as white as a sheet. Maybe I should get doctor Levin?"

She started to get up when Kristin placed a hand on her arm. "Oh, no I'm fine. I'm sorry. It's...it's a side effect with short term memory loss. I had a memory. It's...it's all right, really."

"Oh..." Katie replied, sitting back down. "Was it a good memory?"

"I...I'm not sure," she admitted. "It wasn't much. I just saw you walking through the corridors." She decided it best to leave out the part about her hand going through Katie's shoulder. She didn't understand it, so there was no need to alarm the poor dear. For all she knew, she could have been remembering a dream. "It was just a brief glimpse, nothing more. They're all like that I'm afraid...coming in fragments. I'm hoping my brain will piece them all together soon enough. Then I'll be able to make sense of all this."

Katie nodded quietly. "Well, you know..." She took a deep breath. "I spoke with your daughter earlier, and... She's worried about you. We're _all_ worried about you, Doc. She said you're shutting people out. I haven't seen you until now, so I don't know if that's true, but... I'm here if you want to talk...about anything." She held up her hands. "And when you see her, I hope you don't yell at her for confiding in me. She's just...trying to look out for you."

Kristin put a hand over Katie's. "I'm not going to yell at her." She shrugged. "And she wasn't wrong. I was trying to close myself off from everyone for a moment there. It...it wasn't intentional exactly. I only thought that I should try to remember everything first before I talked about it. I realize now how much of a mistake that was."

"I'm glad to hear it, but now's your chance to change that," Katie replied, giving her an encouraging smile.

Kristin nodded. It seemed the universe wasn't going to let her run from her problems, no matter what. "Well..." She shifted awkwardly, trying to think of how to word how she was feeling when Carol's words came back to her: " _I know you're confused. Say that."_ _She took a deep breath. "_ You...you see, I've been feeling a...little confused, I suppose."

Katie gave her hand a gentle squeeze. "Well, that's certainly understandable, but that's probably also because of your memory issues. You just said you had a memory. Will that keep happening?"

The older woman shrugged. "Well, every person is different, so it's difficult to say. I've had a few memories like that anyway. I... I think I do want to remember as much as I can. It will help my mental state in the long run, which is what I need, I suppose."

Katie nodded. "Please remember we're here for whatever you need, and like I said, I wasn't trying to make you feel guilty, so please don't. I'm just glad everything turned out the way it did."

"Me, too," Kristin agreed. "And to save you the trouble, you don't need to lecture. I wasn't planning on arguing over a mission with the captain anytime soon. I've learned my lesson."

The younger woman laughed softly. "That's good news, but you know I don't blame you. I don't blame the captain either, though." She took a breath. "The captain looks out for all of us, and sometimes, he can be a bit of a mother hen. It isn't always appealing, but he has his reasons."

"Well, be that as it may, next time he has worries, I'm not going to complain. I think I pushed my luck a bit far."

"Maybe," Katie replied, "but I also don't think you should make promises you can't keep."

Kristin raised an eyebrow. "You don't think I'm being sincere?"

"Please don't take it the wrong way, Doc. That's not exactly what I meant. I just don't think any one of us expects you to change, _especially_ the captain. I know I don't want you to change. I think your mini-mission certainly had good intentions attached to it. It's not like you could possibly have known what was going to transpire."

"Yes, but you all know what they say about good intentions," Kristin muttered before sighing. "You're right; I certainly could not have anticipated what happened, but I feel so…so…"

"Guilty?" Katie offered, taking Kristin's hand in hers. "Why?"

Kristin lowered her gaze, thinking for a moment. "Well, first of all, I wasn't the only one I took on that expedition. There was Ben, Jonathan, and Lucas…especially Lucas. He nearly died...or so I'm told, and-"

"But he _didn't_ ," Katie cut in. "And I think you need to remember it was because of what _you_ did."

She sighed. "Maybe, but...then there's what I put the rest of you through… I just... I keep trying to think of things I could have done differently. I'd never, ever change what I did for Lucas…but there had to have been some mistake I made… Something I should have done differently to prevent it all in the first place..." She felt tears prick the corners of her eyes. Though she'd been told there was nothing she could have possibly done to prevent it from Carol and James, she still found it difficult to believe. She really hadn't realized how much she was still blaming herself until now, despite everything she'd been told.

Katie moved to embrace her again. "Oh, Doc…no, you can't blame yourself. Ben, Lucas, and Jonathan…they're all fine, _just_ fine. The rest of us were, too. I'm not going to lie; it wasn't easy. The thought of losing you…well, I learned just how much you truly mean to me. Maybe that's not such a bad thing... But this is supposed to be a happy time now. The bad thing is over; it's in the past. We…we need to move on."

Kristin didn't reply, however. She could no longer resist the tears welling up inside her. She let out a cathartic sob; then another. She felt Katie tighten the embrace and begin to whisper comforting words to her, and the rest of the world seemed to melt away.

Several minutes later, her cries quieted. She quickly pulled away and wiped her cheeks with her hand, feeling somewhat embarrassed. "I…I'm sorry. I didn't mean…"

"Please, don't apologize," Katie told her. "I hope I'm not being too forward, but if you're going to get past the guilt, you need to stop apologizing."

"Maybe, but I-"

Another knock on the door frame cut her off, and both women looked up to see Jonathan. "Sorry, am I interrupting anything? I could come back later..."

"No, it's all right," Katie said, motioning for him to sit down. "You're just the person I think the doc needs."

His brow furrowed as he sat next to the bed, and Kristin simply lowered her gaze, feeling his eyes upon her. As much as she wanted to talk, facing her fears wasn't very easy on her. She almost wished she could start over again, but it was a bit too late now.

He took her hand in hers. "I'm sorry I didn't come see you right away. I wanted to give you your space…and I figured you needed time with your daughter first before the rest of us came to bug you." He paused. "Doc? Is everything all right?"

She nodded quietly as she looked at him. "I'm glad you're here. I was just telling Katie-"

"How guilty she feels," Katie finished for her. "I'm sorry for interrupting, but..." She turned back to Jonathan. "The doctor's been blaming herself for everything that happened. I figured you of all people could talk some sense into her."

"Is that so?" he asked, eyeing Kristin carefully. "Why are you blaming yourself? Unless you know how to conjure up storms, you couldn't have possibly planned this."

She shrugged. "But it was all my idea in the first place, and if we'd never gone, none of this would have happened."

"See?" Katie said. "I don't know what else to tell her."

Jonathan sighed, taking her hand in his again. "It doesn't mean it's your fault. This...all this... It was just a series of unfortunate events. Call it an act of Mother Nature or an act of the universe... An act of God? I don't care what you call it, but... It wasn't you. You have to believe that."

She nodded but didn't speak. She truly wanted to believe it, and she was honestly trying to believe it. But no matter how much she tried, she couldn't get rid of the blasted ball of guilt in the pit of her stomach.

"So do you believe it now?" Katie pressed.

"I'm trying," she said weakly. "I might need a bit of a reminder here and there, though."

"Well, I guess that's what you have us for," Katie said with a smile.

"Thank you for that." She sighed, bringing a hand to her head. "Honestly, I feel like I've missed years."

"You haven't missed that much," Jonathan replied. "We're just happy you're back here safe and sound."

She nodded. "I am, too." There was a slight pause before she spoke again. "Jonathan, I wanted to apologize."

"Doctor, I…" He shook his head. "We just talked about this. You haven't _done_ anything to apologize for."

"I meant for putting you in that position…for what happened that day." She took a breath. "I can't imagine it was very easy…"

"Are you kidding? It was a piece of cake compared to what happened to you," another familiar voice said.

All three of them turned toward the doorway to see Ben standing there, a large bouquet of balloons in one hand and a huge stuffed dolphin nearly half his size in the other.

"Oh, my goodness, Mr. Krieg!" Kristin replied.

Jonathan stood to take the dolphin from him and placed it on the vacant bed.

"I come bearing gifts," Ben said with a grin on his face. He motioned toward the dolphin. "I ordered it out of a catalog; I didn't know it would be quite so large."

"That's…that's quite all right. He can be our science lab mascot…or something." She held out her arms. "Well, get over here."

"As long as I'm not barging in," he replied, giving her a gentle hug. "I did consider a stuffed lobster, but I thought you'd like the dolphin better."

"Not at all. It's a little reunion, and it's just...very considerate of you." One thing was clear, the visitors were a bit of a distraction from her other problems. "Why don't you set those balloons down over there and have a seat? Where did you get balloons down here anyway?"

Ben smiled mischievously. "You should know by now I never reveal my secrets. Let's just say I called in a few favors."

"How long were you standing out there anyway?" Katie asked him.

"Long enough to hear the doctor apologize," Ben replied, eyeing Kristin carefully. "From what I hear, you've been doing a lot of that lately, and you really shouldn't. I talked to your daughter."

Kristin felt her face go warm. "Is my daughter talking to the entire crew about me?"

"It's only because she's worried," Katie replied. "We all kind of are."

Kristin looked down at her hands. "I..."

Ben placed a hand on her arm. "She just told us she's worried about you; she told me that you said how sorry you were about everything that had happened."

Kristin felt a lump in her throat as tears began to well up in her eyes once again. She swallowed hard, trying to force them back, but she knew her voice was trembling the moment she spoke again. "But...but I _am_ sorry. I never wanted that pain for any of you." She shook her head. "I never want to see the people I care about in pain, and I definitely don't want to be the cause of it."

"Oh, Doc," Katie replied. "Don't... You're going to make me cry again."

"We...we never wanted what happened to you, either," Jonathan told her. "I think you're looking at this the wrong way."

Ben nodded. "He's right; it just…happened." He grabbed the box of tissues and held it out to her before passing it to Katie.

Both women took one out of the box and dabbed at their eyes.

Kristin took a few minutes to calm down. After several deep breaths she was able to speak again. "Logically, I know that. It's just…hard to hear about what you went through, how it affected you."

"We're sorry for what you went through as well; I think that's natural," Ben replied. "But my point is, I don't think you need to keep saying it. All anyone has to do is look at you to know you never wanted to hurt us. It's written all over your face."

Kristin stared at him for a second. She couldn't quite believe that this was the _same_ Ben Krieg she'd known for months; the conniving, manipulating, mischievous Ben Krieg, the same one who tried selling bioluminescent fish poop. The same one who'd eaten her experimental lobsters and then didn't tell her about it until he thought they might die in Hurricane Sheila. Ben was known for a lot of things, but being sensitive and deep normally weren't in the list of descriptions.

Before she could ask the question weighting on her mind, Katie beat her to the punch. "Who are you, and what have you done with the _real_ Ben Krieg?"

"Exactly what I was going to say!" Jonathan added.

"What? I'm not allowed to be sensitive once in a while?" Ben asked.

"What they mean is that you're normally not… Well, you're not…" Kristin trailed off, trying to think of the proper words to explain it without hurting Ben's feelings.

She didn't have to, however. "I know my image doesn't exactly scream perceptive and caring," he replied, "but maybe I'm changing that a bit."

The three of them gave him a doubtful look.

"Well, at least on a trial basis," he added.

"That sounds more like you," Kristin replied.

Ben smiled slightly and put a hand over hers. "My point is that you just need to let go now. We _all_ do; we need to let go and move on. Everything's okay now. We can't change the past, but we can damn sure change the future, right?"

"You know what, Ben?" Jonathan said after a minute. "That is probably the wisest thing I've ever heard you say."

"It is?" Ben asked. "I mean, it is." He nodded before giving a shrug. "I might have had a little help from your daughter. Let's just say she wasn't the only one who needed to talk." He then stood to give Kristin another hug. "Look, we just don't want to see you upset anymore."

She returned the hug and nodded against his shoulder. "I know that. I just…"

"Just try to let go," Ben said again. "Everything is going to be fine now. I have a feeling."

At that moment, they heard a voice from behind them. "Ah, sorry lady and gents, but I have to check her vitals," Amy, one of the nurses announced. "I'll give you some time to wrap things up. I'll be back in five minutes."

Ben pulled back to look at Kristin. "Slave drivers around here, aren't they?"

She nodded. "I'll be glad when I'm back in my own room," she replied.

"But not too soon," Katie said. "We don't want anything else happening to you."

Ben then moved aside so Jonathan and Katie could hug her as well.

"We'll come see you again later," Katie told her.

"I'd like that," Kristin replied.

"Get some rest, Doc," Jonathan said.

"I promise," Kristin said with a nod as the three of them started out the door.

Ben turned back to her, however. "Doc?"

"Yes?"

He gave her a sheepish look and took something red out of his pocket. "I was kind of saving this for your birthday, but I thought you should have it now." He tossed it toward her, and it landed softly on her lap.

Kristin picked it up, seeing it was a small stuffed lobster. "Oh, Ben," she said with a laugh.

"At least that's one I can't eat," he said with a grin. "See you later, Doc."

Kristin sighed and hugged it tightly to her chest, suddenly very grateful for friends like Ben Krieg, Katie Hitchcock, and Jonathan Ford.

_-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_

As the day went on, Kristin received a few other visitors: Tim, Miguel, Cynthia and Lucas again. They'd told her much the same thing Katie, Ben, and Jonathan had, and she was genuinely working on it. Talking about things did indeed help her feel a bit better, but after they'd all left, she was left alone to her own devices once again. She couldn't stop herself from staring at her door, however, hoping that Nathan would come in at any moment.

Only he never came. She lay back on her pillow, a sigh escaping her lips. Had she really upset him that badly?

_Well, you were the one who pushed him away,_ her heart reminded her.

"I know, I just..." she muttered. Well, she didn't need to answer her own question. She knew everything that had been going through her mind, and she'd known why she'd said what she had. But he'd promised he'd come see her later. She glanced at the clock. It was nearly dinnertime. How much later was it going to get?

_But don't forget he's supposed to be resting, too,_ she thought. That was true. Perhaps he'd had a long nap. Still, she didn't feel right leaving things the way they were between the two of them. If he didn't show up pretty soon, she was going to have Joshua call him. She needed to speak with him, even if it was over the PAL unit.

A light shuffling at the door caused her to turn, and her heart did a leap when she saw him standing there. "Hello," she said softly.

"Hello, yourself," he replied, walking towards the bed. "I know it's late... I'm sorry I didn't come by earlier."

She waved a hand. "It's all right. I slept half the day away." She motioned towards the clock. "I can't believe the day's nearly gone."

"Well, you are supposed to rest."

"I know." She paused for a moment. "Um...I wanted to apologize about before. I should have... I'm trying to remember I can't push you all away. Can you forgive me?"

He took her hand in his. "Of course. You don't need... I'll always forgive you, Kris."

She smiled softly. "Thank you. Um, well, I'm glad you're here. I was hoping we could...talk."

A brow rose as he sat. "But I thought you weren't ready?"

She shrugged. "I changed my mind. I decided that I do need it, and...I also thought it might help me remember." She paused and looked at him. "Nathan? Could...could I ask you something?"

"Of course. Is everything all right?" he asked, placing a hand on her arm.

She nodded. "It's just... I've been having these dreams…or maybe they're memories? I've been trying to make sense of them myself. But every time I shut my eyes, I have another one…and I only find myself more confused. Nathan, some of these dreams…they involve you." She stole a glance at him, and he averted his gaze. "Do you know anything about them?"

"Kristin, I don't... How could I know anything about your dreams?"

"Well... Like I said, they might be memories. They're not... They're not all like dreams. It's difficult to explain, so I was hoping you could shed some light on the subject." She put a hand to his face and urged him to look at her. "Nathan, I need to know the truth. What happened while I was away?"


	18. From The Dim Light In The Greyness

 Nathan's jaw dropped as he stared at her for several minutes. He had no idea what came over him, but though he'd wanted her to remember, he suddenly couldn't say it. He swallowed hard.

"Nathan, please?" she said again.

"Uh…noth-" he began hoarsely. He cleared his throat and spoke again, "Nothing happened. I mean, I've already told you. Lucas, Jonathan, Ben, and the Talbots were brought back here to recover while I and a few other members of the crew tried to find you."

Kristin shook her head. "That's not what I meant," she replied quietly. "And I get the sinking suspicion you knew that."

He could feel her eyes boring into him, and he lowered his gaze to the floor.

"I take that as you confirming I'm right," she said with a sigh. "What's the big secret, Nathan? What's going on?"

He hesitated. "What…what do you want me to say, Kristin?" He looked down at his hands just so he wouldn't have to look at her.

"I want you to tell me the truth. Nathan, I know it was difficult for you. My absence affected every single one of you. I…I know how I've hurt you, and I...I'm so very sorry for it." Her voice trembled slightly. "But...but we can't change the past, and I'm learning to accept that." She took a deep breath. "If it's because you think it will hurt me to hear it, you don't need to worry. I'll be fine. Nathan, please, I _need_ to know."

"And what makes you think there's something else? I've already told you," he answered in a quiet monotone. "There isn't anything else to tell."

"Then why can't you even look at me?"

He looked into her whiskey-hued eyes. "Happy now?"

She sighed. "If there is nothing else to tell, then how come I keep dreaming about your deceased wife?"

Nathan was stunned. He had no idea Carol had visited her. Had it been the way she'd come to him? He shook his head. No, it couldn't be. He eyed her carefully, trying to find his voice again. "You… How…. Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am absolutely positive, and they're not... Well, as I'd mentioned, they're not like normal dreams. It's as if-"

"Ah, I thought I'd heard voices in here," Joshua said as he knocked gently on the door frame. "I promise I won't stay long, but I wanted to introduce you."

He stepped aside, and a young woman with striking blue eyes and dark shoulder-length hair walked in. She cast a nervous smile towards Nathan and Kristin and waved.

As Nathan eyed her carefully, he realized she looked familiar. In fact, she looked to be the striking image of someone he'd known long ago, but... It couldn't possibly be her. That was almost thirty years ago...

"Dr. Wendell Smith, this is Dr. Kristin Westphalen and Captain Nathan Bridger."

She held out her hand to Kristin in greeting. "Dr. Westphalen, it's so lovely to meet you. Joshua has told me so much about you. And, please, call me Wendy."

"Hello, Wendy, and don't believe a thing he tells you," she said with a wink, shaking her hand. "I really can't tell you what a relief it is that you were able to take the time to help here. I can't thank you enough."

Wendy waved a hand. "It's no trouble at all. I just hope I do a well enough job."

"You needn't worry. I'm sure you'll do just fine," Kristin assured her, nudging Nathan's arm. "Isn't that right, Captain?"

Nathan quickly recovered and gave a nod. "Right. I'm sure you'll fit in nicely here, Dr. Smith." He shook her hand.

"Captain Bridger?" Wendy said thoughtfully. "I'm not sure if you remember, but you and my mother dated many years ago."

Ah, so that's how he knew her. " _Your_ mother was...is Sexy Lexi? She and I dated when we were at the academy."

The younger woman laughed. "She might have mentioned that nickname once or twice, but most people today know her as Admiral Lexington Smith. I'm surprised you didn't know."

He grinned sheepishly. "Well, I've been out of the loop for a while..." He coughed nervously. "Um, well, I suppose I'll leave you to get more acquainted with Kristin."

"Actually, I haven't finished showing Wendy the ropes," Joshua said before turning to Kristin. "But of course, she'll stop by soon if you two would like to talk."

"Of course," Kristin replied with a wave as the two young doctors left. She then turned to Nathan. "Well, that was interesting. Tell me, is there any women from your past you _didn't_ date?" She crossed her arms over her chest, but her eyes were smiling.

Nathan, however, wasn't in a joking mood. He knew if he stayed, she'd turn the conversation back to the dreams she'd been having, and he suddenly couldn't deal with that. "Uh, maybe we could discuss that later? I have... I've got some things I need to take care of."

"But, Nathan, I-"

"Later, Kris... We'll talk later," he called as he quickly retreated from the room.

_-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_

Kristin's brow furrowed as she watched Nathan leave. She'd known her question upset him from the moment she'd asked. The only problem was she didn't know _why_.

She lay back on her pillow and heaved a sigh. "I wish I could remember," she muttered, bringing a hand to her head.

As if the universe answered her, a sudden flash of memory crossed her mind's eye. It was much like the dream she'd had earlier. _She was in Nathan's quarters, and she'd been looking at the photos on the shelf. She specifically picked out the one of his wife, and made him talk about her._

She shook her head. "You're such an idiot. How could you do that to him?"

_Only Nathan didn't seem upset at all. In fact, it led to quite an interesting conversation...and then a kiss._

She blushed hotly. Is that why he was suddenly so upset? Did she... Did he... Did they... She shook her head. No, it couldn't have happened. She wasn't even on the boat, and if that had happened beforehand, surely, she wouldn't forget something like that.

_"Your soul was on a journey."_

Carol's words came floating back to her. Just what _had_ her soul been doing when she wasn't looking? Except from her memory, Nathan didn't seem very upset. But if it had really happened... Was he suddenly having second thoughts? Is that why he looked like a deer caught in headlights?

"It would certainly stand to reason you've scared the living daylights out of him," she said with a nod. "Now how are you going to fix this?"

She thought for several minutes, but she couldn't come up with anything. It was going to be difficult if he refused to speak to her.

"Carol?" She had no idea if she could hear her, but she felt at a loss and had no idea what else to do. "I...I'm sorry if this is rather awkward...or if you're even there, but... I'm going to try to sleep soon, and I was hoping you'd make sure you were there...in my dreams. I...I really need someone to talk to. Please?"

She sighed again, hoping that somehow, her plea would be answered.

_-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_

Carol ran a hand through her hair. She'd been watching the whole time, and she couldn't quite believe what she was seeing. She gave Kristin a lot of credit for even attempting to do what she'd suggested. Oh, she certainly had a long way to go, but it was something.

Nathan, on the other hand? She sighed, wringing her hands together. Well, perhaps she'd been a little neglectful of him. She'd been so focused on Kristin that she'd nearly forgotten that it wasn't just about Kristin's journey...that there were lessons for everyone involved.

The problem was that while she knew there were lessons, she didn't necessarily know what lessons exactly. Nathan had seemed fine, for the most part, so she didn't feel the need to hover over him too much.

"Perhaps that was my mistake," she muttered as she walked to Kristin's bed and sat down, listening to her berate herself.

She put an arm around her shoulder. "This isn't your fault, sweetheart. Please don't blame yourself. Nathan... Well, I promise you, I'll fix this. Try not to worry." She placed a gentle kiss to her temple. "And I promise I'll visit you... _after_ I'm through with him."

_-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_

Nathan paced in his quarters, mentally chastising himself for the way he'd acted with Kristin. Initially, when he'd found she couldn't remember what had happened, he'd been crushed. However, once he'd gotten used to it, he realized it was safer that way. Yes, he loved her, but... He wasn't sure he was quite ready to face it again...face _her_ again. He'd nearly lost her, and the thought of it now... Well, frankly, he was scared to death.

It had killed him to lie to her, and he knew that she knew he was lying. He hated lying to her, but he couldn't bring himself to tell her the truth either. He sighed in frustration, knowing he'd hurt her and wishing he could take it back now.

After pacing back and forth several more times, he turned to his hologram generator and hit a button, the smiling face of Carol appearing before him. He stared at her for a long while, almost willing her to speak. "What is it I'm supposed to do now? Why…why did you go see her anyway?"

He shook his head, knowing he wouldn't receive an answer, and turned the hologram off. He then walked to his bunk, and sat down. He suddenly had a splitting headache, the stress of the situation consuming him. He knew he'd need to go speak with her eventually, but he couldn't go there unprepared. He decided the only thing he could do was sleep on it. Perhaps when he woke, things would be much clearer. He only hoped that was the case.

_-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_

" _Nathan Hale Bridger."_

_Nathan's eyes popped open at the mention of his name. He knew the voice, too. He sat up and looked at her. "Carol, honey, I…"_

_She glared at him. "Don't you 'Carol, honey' me," she chided. She crossed her arms and raised an eyebrow at him. "I thought we had an understanding."_

_Nathan pushed himself off his bunk and crossed the room to her. He tried to hug her, but she backed away. "It might help if you tell me what I've done," he finally said. "I'm a little confused."_

_Carol sighed. She motioned toward the door. "All Kristin wanted was for you to be honest with her, and you couldn't even do that! I am very disappointed in you."_

" _Wait a minute," Nathan countered, holding up his hands. "You never told me this was going to happen. You never told me she'd forget…and then start to remember. I…I'm not sure I'm prepared to answer what she's asking."_

_She put her hands on his shoulders. "Yes, you_ _**are** _ _, Nathan. You care for her, yes?"_

_"Carol, I..."_

_She shot him a glare again. "You can't lie to me, you know."_

_He sighed. "Yes, but you-"_

_Carol shook her head. "No, this isn't about_ _**me** _ _right now, Nathan. It never was. This is about you and Kristin. I've already told you to move on, Nathan. Why are you resisting now?"_

_"I just... I don't know what to tell her."_

" _Why not try the truth?"_

_He lowered his gaze. "I can't."_

_She brought a hand to his cheek, forcing him to look at her. "Excuse me? After all this, you can't bring yourself to tell her what happened between the two of you?"_

_He gently shrugged her away. "It's...it's not that. I..."_

_"Love her," Carol finished for him._

_His brow furrowed in surprise. "What?"_

_She rolled her eyes. "You can say it, Nathan. I'm not around anymore, remember?"_

_"All right, fine. I love her, but...I can't possibly tell her."_

_Carol laughed. "Why in the world not? Do you think she might explode or something?"_

_"N-no, but... What if she doesn't want to hear it? What if she gets upset?"_

" _What makes you think she'd be upset?" Carol asked._

_Nathan shrugged. "I just don't know if she's ready… I don't know if I'm ready… She'd never... I'd never... We'd never..." He sighed. "This is all happening so fast, and..." He turned to look at her. "I nearly lost her, Carol. She almost died, and... It was like losing you all over again." He shook his head. "I'm not sure I can handle that."_

_Carol held up her arms. "So that's it?"_

_"Is what it?"_

_"You're going to let fear stand in your way?"_

_"I... I don't know. I just... I needed some time to think. I was hoping I'd muster the courage to face her...but I don't think I can face her any time soon."_

_"You know, she's terribly hurt and confused," Carol pointed out. "Don't you want to fix that?"_

_"Of course I do! It...it tears my heart to pieces when I see her upset...when I know she's hurting. And I will do anything to make sure she doesn't hurt, but right now..."_

_"You can't," Carol finished. "So you'd rather leave her in limbo."_

_He sighed. "You're acting like I've left her out in the snow storm. She's back. She's alive. I just need some time, I told you."_

_"Yes, you're right about that; she's alive. But how long do you think you will take?"_

_A brow rose. "I don't know, but...why is that a problem?"_

_"It could be."_

_"What?" he asked with a shake of his head._

_She moved to stand in front of him, putting her hands on his shoulders. "Nathan, you spent a year on your island_ _**alone** _ _because you were afraid." She held up her hands. "Granted, you got yourself off...with a little help, but don't you see? You're going back to that island again. You have a habit of letting your fear control you. This won't be solved overnight."_

_He shrugged. "So I take a few days to wait it out? She'll understand once I explain."_

_"Will she?" Carol shook her head. "She's in a very fragile place right now, Nathan."_

_He held up a finger. "Correction, she_ _**was** _ _in a fragile place, but she's had a little time, and she's fine now. Kristin... She's always been strong. She is going to be just fine. She's ready to talk now, so that shows me she's fine. You don't need to worry about her."_

_"Is that what you think?" Carol scoffed._

_"Didn't you say it yourself that she's strong?"_

_She shook her head. "That's not what I meant. Yes, of course she's strong, but there's a reason why. She's not alone."_

_"But that's never stopped her before-"_

_Carol held a finger to his lips. "_ _**This** _ _is something entirely different. This has been a life-altering event for all of you. She might be strong, but if you abandon her, she'll lose her strength."_

_He shook his head. "I'm not abandoning her exactly..."_

_"But she's going to feel that way...and I get the feeling you don't quite believe me."_

_"It's not that. I just... I've never seen Kristin defeated, and Joshua brought Dr. Smith in for her. I couldn't believe how kind Kristin was to her because before..."_

_"She was ready to eat her alive," Carol said with a nod. "I know. I...I saw."_

_"And you went to her...you spoke to her..."_

_"She needed me," she replied simply. "As I said, this whole experience has been...will be...life-altering for every single person involved. And well... I wanted to help it along just a touch." She held up her hands. "Please know none of this is my doing. I can't... I don't have the power to manipulate anything. But I have spoken with Kristin...reminded her she has the strength she didn't always believe she had. And it's been true...so far...because she had that strength in you. You were a constant that I never let her forget."_

_"But she's had the rest of the crew as well. I don't... She doesn't need me like you think."_

_"Yes, you're right," Carol agreed. "She does draw strength from the others, but she doesn't put her faith in them like she does with you." She shook her head. "Look, we can stand around all night and argue about this, but I don't have that kind of time, and neither do you. If you let this situation go, she'll slip through your fingers, Nathan. Is that what you really want?"_

_He looked down at the floor. "Maybe she'd be better off without me. I'm of no use to her like this...not if I can't..."_

_She groaned. "I love you, Nathan, but sometimes, you are just so...frustrating. Have you listened to a word I've said?" She shook her head. "Well, like I said, we're not getting anywhere this way. I'm going to have to show you what I mean." She held out her hand._

_He stared at it for a moment. "Carol, I-"_

_A brow rose. "Do you want to help Kristin or not?"_

_He put his hand in hers, and there was a flash of light, just as before. When he opened his eyes, however, he saw they hadn't gone anywhere, for they were still on the_ _**seaQuest** , still in his_ _quarters. "Carol?"_

_"Just watch," came her quiet reply._

_Nathan did so as he saw himself walk through his cabin door, muttering under his breath in frustration. He found himself terribly confused, since he didn't quite remember doing that. Well, maybe he did, as it wouldn't be the first time, but the day in question didn't ring a bell at all. Just as he was about to ask Carol for a few more specifics, there was a gentle knock at the door._

_When he opened it, Nathan could see it was Kristin, a fretful look on her face. "Doctor," said his other self rather sternly._

_"S-sorry, are you busy? I was hoping we could talk..."_

_He sighed. "Very well, I suppose I can spare five minutes, but this better not be about-"_

_She held up her hands. "I promise it's not, but I was hoping this would be off the record, so to speak."_

_His other self simply looked at her, and Nathan swore he saw a sneer grace his face. "Off the record?"_

_"Y-yes, I mean... I know things haven't quite been the same between us since the expedition, and even though things worked out, there... Well, there seems to be a bit of a rift between us." She moved to put a hand to his cheek, but he pulled away. "Why can't things be like they used to?"_

_Nathan could hear the tears in her voice, but she swallowed them back. His eyes then snapped to his other self, who only stared at her coldly._

_"I thought we'd already discussed that? I'd already told you I'm the captain, you're my CMO. It's nothing more. It should never have been more. You need to understand that. It's not your fault exactly. I... I realize I'm the one who'd treated you a bit...differently, but that was my mistake. You're absolutely right. You can go wherever you please and do whatever you like. You certainly don't need to answer to me."_

_"But, Nathan, I didn't mean..." She shook her head, a hand rising to her mouth. "I don't want things to change," she choked out, her voice thick with emotion. "Whatever I did, I'm sorry. I...I promise I won't do it again, but please, just...don't shut me out."_

_His other self stood there quietly. Nathan half-expected him to wrap his arms around her, apologize for being an ass, and tell her it was going to be all right. But he never did. Instead, he walked to the door and opened it. "Look, unless it's business you have to discuss, I really don't want to see you in here again."_

_"Nathan, please, I-"_

_"And it's captain from now on. See you at the staff meeting, Doctor."_

_Kristin retreated from the room without a word, and Nathan could hear her soft sobs as she ran from the room. He turned to Carol. "I'd never do that."_

_"But you will," Carol said quietly. "This is three months from now, Nathan."_

_He shook his head. "But I couldn't..." He pointed to his other self. "Did you see... I'd never treat her like that... Like she was nothing."_

_"It's not that you're **trying** to hurt her purposely," Carol said gently. "You just get the idea in your head that you need to hurt her to save her from you. You think you're the one who's not good for her, but that's not true at all." She held out her hand again._

_He simply took it, not needing to be asked this time. After another flash of light, he saw they were still on the_ _**seaQuest** _ _, but this time, they were in Kristin's room. She had a suitcase laid out on her bunk and another one on the table. As Nathan looked around, he noticed all her personal items were gone. The walls were bare._

_"Doc, I wish you would reconsider."_

_Nathan's eyes moved to Lucas. He hadn't even noticed him in the corner, helping Kristin fold some shirts and placing them in her suitcase._

_She sighed. "I know, Lucas, but...we talked about this. I... This just isn't exactly what I signed on for. Things have...changed, and I'm... I'm just not happy here anymore."_

_Lucas' chin quivered. "Don't I make you happy?"_

_"Oh, Lucas," she said quietly, pulling him into her arms and stroking his hair gently. "Of course you do. You...you have made my days here so much brighter, but since my accident... Well, you know things aren't the same between the captain and me." She took a shaky breath. "And you know I've tried so hard to push past that, but... I can't. I don't know what I've done, but I think it's clear he doesn't care for me much anymore."_

_Lucas shook his head and pulled away. "That's not true. He cares for you, Doc. I know he does."_

_"No, it's apparent I've hurt him deeply, and I don't think there's any rectifying it now. It's been six months. I..." Her eyes welled up with tears, and Nathan watched her swallow hard, trying to force them back. "This is just...better for everyone in the long run."_

_"It's not better for me," Lucas said quietly._

_Kristin hugged him again, this time allowing a few tears to slip out. "It hurts me more than you know to leave you, but... We'll still talk. You have my number, and Dr. Smith will do a fine job here. You liked her when she was here last."_

_"But it's not going to be the same."_

_"I know, sweetheart, I know...but nothing ever stays the same. I just... I hope you'll be able to understand... Just remember I'll always love you, no matter what."_

_As the two continued to talk, Nathan turned back to Carol. "So this... This is her future..._ _**My** _ _future?"_

_"If you continue on this path, yes. She needs you, Nathan. You can't turn your back on her now, even if you are afraid. This isn't the time to be selfish. You need to think of her...or this will become reality."_


	19. The Aim Of The Soul Tends To Miss

_Nathan sighed heavily. Obviously, he wanted to prevent that future. Was he really being selfish by avoiding Kristin's question?_

_**Well, you did leave her lost and confused** , he thought bitterly._

_He'd always tried to avoid hurting her, and he'd broken his own rule. If that wasn't selfish, he didn't know what was. He ran a hand through his hair, trying to decide where to go from here. He wanted nothing more than to take her pain away, but he still found himself stuck, unable to move forward. He turned back to Carol. "If I can't get rid of my fear overnight..." He shook his head. "And even after what you've shown me, I want to prevent that from happening, but... I'm still afraid. I can't... What am I supposed to do?"_

_Carol put her arms around him. "I can't really tell you that. All I can tell you is that you need to trust your heart on this one."_

_He gently pulled away and motioned towards the future Kristin, who was just about to walk out of her room and out of his other self's life forever. "How much time do I have before that happens? How can I possibly trust my heart if I know that by making the wrong move, I'll lose her?"_

_Carol sighed. "There's not a concrete answer, and I'm sorry if I'm not really much help. You just need to keep her best interest in your heart. Obviously, you can take some time for yourself, think things through. But you're also going to need to face your fears. Hiding from them won't help her, and you can't keep her waiting too long. You see what I'm saying?"_

_He paused, letting her words sink in, before he nodded. "You know I'll do anything for her."_

" _Of course I do. It's written all over your face, despite your fear."_

" _But I still don't know that I can... What if I lose her again? What if it's like you? What if..." He trailed off, unable to say the words. The thought of losing the only other woman he loved tore him in two. Even the speculation of it haunted him._

" _You can't let fear stand in your way," she said again. "Besides, if you'd have known what was going to happen to me in the end, would that have stopped you from falling in love with me?"_

" _Not in a million years," he said, his voice unwavering._

" _Then don't let it keep you from her. Besides, talking about your feelings... It doesn't mean you need to act on them right away. D_ _id you ever stop and think that perhaps it's better it come right out in the open anyway? You haven't enjoyed keeping those feelings bottled up, have you?"_

_He shrugged. "I didn't even realize for sure what it was until..."_

_"I know," she replied. "Life-altering experience, remember?"_

_He sighed. "You're sure I won't scare her when I tell her?"_

_Carol laughed softly. "Are you really that oblivious? Isn't it possible she feels the same way you do? You know what her soul told you."_

_"But it's apparent her soul and her conscious mind aren't exactly on the same wavelength..."_

_Carol placed a hand to his cheek. "They'll sync up soon enough when you tell her." She took a deep breath. "Nathan, I know how difficult this is for you. I know you still feel guilty about your feelings for her…because of me. But we both know your heart is big enough for both Kristin and me. There's no reason to feel guilty."_

_He nodded quietly._

" _It's okay to be afraid," Carol continued. "It's okay to be unsure. Just remember that Kristin is afraid and unsure as well. She's just trying to make sense of what's been happening to her. Despite what you might think, she's not out of the woods yet. She's got a lot of people around her supporting her, but she still needs_ _ **you**_ _. If you leave her, she'll give up, and if you don't believe me, I'll show you more."_

_He held up his hands. "No, I don't need to see it."_

_"So you'll talk to her?"_

_He nodded. "After a little time..."_

_"Very well, but you need to let her know what it is you're doing."_

_A brow rose in question._

_She sighed. "She's still feeling guilty about everything. Do you really want to add to that guilt? Besides, ignoring her is only going to hurt her more. She'll understand, but you need to let her know. Don't leave her in limbo."_

_"All right, I promise. I am sorry, you know."_

_"I understand, but I'm not the one who needs to hear that. You'll go see her in the morning?"_

_"Yes, I will."_

_"Good," she said with a smile. "Don't make me come back and lecture you again."_

_He laughed. "I won't...and I suppose I should thank you for this...all this."_

_Carol waved a hand. "Just do what I said, and that's thanks enough. Take care of Kristin now. I love you."_

_"I love you, too...and I will."_

_"Goodbye, Nathan," she said with a wave._

_-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_

Kristin tossed and turned, but she couldn't manage to fall asleep. She was too worked up about the dreams, the memories, and the captain. She'd been counting on Carol to help her work through some of her concerns, but if she couldn't fall asleep, that wasn't going to happen. She sighed in frustration, wishing she'd never pushed Nathan to tell her anything in the first place.

"You just keep screwing up left and right," she muttered, shaking her head. And even though it seemed to be true, she knew something had happened between Nathan and her... Well, rather her soul and Nathan.

Another sigh escaped her lips as her eyes snapped to the door, almost hoping someone would come by, but she knew how late it was. She highly doubted anyone was going to be visiting her the rest of the evening, save for nurses. Unfortunately, she wasn't planning on bearing her soul to them. She was hoping for someone a bit closer to her.

Her hands balled into fists. "Well, obviously, you need to stop wishing. You're not getting your way, so there's nothing left to do except try to sleep." She rolled over on her side and closed her eyes again. Of course, her mind kept on wandering.

She finally sat up and groaned. "I wish I could just-"

"Sorry," said a quiet voice, tapping gently on the door frame.

Kristin felt her cheeks go warm, but she sat up a bit straighter upon seeing it was Dr. Smith.

"I saw your light was still on, and..." She paused. "Do you mind if I come in for a bit?"

"Go ahead," she said with a shrug, trying to get over her embarrassment. "I'm a little bored anyway. How...how long were you standing there?"

Wendy smiled softly as she sat down. "Only a minute, but it wouldn't have mattered how long I've actually been here.  I've heard you for a while."

Her brow furrowed. "What?"

She sighed. "I didn't want it to come out quite like this, but I'm a telepath and an empath." She held up her hands. "Please know I asked Joshua not to say anything. It's not exactly an ice breaker. Once people know, they usually treat me like I have the plague." She lowered her gaze. "I wasn't scanning you. I'd never...not without permission, but I can't stop myself from picking up what people give me."

"Oh, I see..." Kristin replied quietly. "I was...giving you a lot, was I?"

Wendy nodded. "I've tried blocking it, but... It's not always easy." She paused. "But don't worry. I already know you don't like the idea of me being here-"

Kristin put a hand on her arm. "That's not exactly true. I...I don't mind it, really."

The younger woman gave her a doubtful look. "You don't need to sugarcoat anything with me. I understand. I'm used to it, considering..." She motioned to herself. "I mean, you obviously didn't know what I was until now, but now that you do... " She sighed. "Well, I came by on the off-chance you might want to talk, but I completely understand if that answer is no."

Kristin shook her head. "You must not be a very good telepath."

Wendy's brow furrowed in question. "Why?"

"Because you should know I'm not that sort of person. I wouldn't discount you for...what you are, as you put it."

She smiled softly. "Sorry, I just..."

Kristin waved a hand. "It's all right. I can understand you being worried. You get a lot of discrimination?"

"Sometimes," Wendy said with a shrug. "You won't tell anyone else, will you? I mean, I'll let others know on my own when I feel the time is right."

"Your secret is safe with me," Kristin assured her. "And I'm sorry if some of my thoughts...my feelings...seemed negative towards you. It isn't you exactly. You seem very kind. I'm just not used to having help like this, and I feel a bit threatened. It's going to take some getting used to."

"I understand, but when Joshua had explained the situation to me... Well, you're not in any condition to work right now... I'm just trying to help."

"And I do appreciate it. I'm just not looking forward to you trying to pry me open, despite what my mind might be screaming at you." She shook her head. "This isn't easy for me."

Wendy took her hand. "Kristin, I'm not here to force you into anything. I'll gladly leave you alone if that's what you'd like." She started to stand when Kristin placed a hand on her arm.

"N-no, you can stay. I mean, you must know I didn't exactly want to be alone."

She nodded quietly. "I heard, but you know, it would really help if you voiced what you were thinking. You're not the only one I hear around here, you know."

Kristin smiled softly. "Sorry, I'm just not quite used to this... I've had other tragedies in the past, and I was... I was just fine then. This is all new to me."

"It's nothing to be afraid of. It's just us...talking. We can talk about anything you like."

Kristin picked some nonexistent fuzz off the blanket covering her. "I'm not used to being coddled."

A brow rose. "You think that's what this is?"

"Well, I've always been able to stand on my own two feet," Kristin reasoned. "And I realize I wasn't quite alone in past tragedies, but..."

"You don't like to appear weak?" Wendy guessed. "You always like to be the strong one. You don't always show it when you're hurt or upset."

Kristin nodded. "I suppose that's exactly it. This whole situation has been...eye-opening. And working here... I've become very close with the others here. We've become almost like family."

"That doesn't sound like such a bad thing," Wendy noted. "When you're living and working in such close proximity to one another, it only stands to reason you'd form bonds. I'd rather be close with them than be enemies with them…wouldn't you agree?"

"Well, of course," she replied with a soft smile that quickly faded.

"But there's a problem?"

She felt her eyes well up with tears, and she swallowed hard, trying to keep them at bay. "It's just... After the accident, I found out... I'm not really used to people giving me that kind of attention, the way they all told me how much they missed me, how horrible it was for them to deal with me not being around, how hard it was to accept that I...I nearly died..." She let out a small sob. "I never wanted to cause anyone unhappiness, especially them. And I honestly never knew how much they cared. It's all a bit overwhelming for me..."

Wendy moved to put her arms around her. "It's in the worst tragedies that true feelings come out, but I don't see that as a horrible thing. Doesn't it make you feel good to know how much you're loved?"

"I...I suppose," she said through her tears, "except... I never really thought I deserved it."

"Oh, how can you say that?" Wendy asked, moving to grab a tissue from the box and drying her tears. "I realize we've only just met, but you seem like a lovely person."

"Look at all the pain I caused them. This...none of this would have happened if I'd have listened to reason in the first place."

Wendy sighed. "You need to understand that you can't keep blaming yourself for what happened. It's not because of anything you or anyone else did. It just…happened. You didn't cause that storm. No one is angry with you, are they? Has anyone told you they were?"

"N-no," she said with a shake of her head. "And I hear what you're saying, and logically, I know that. I obviously couldn't have caused the storm. You're not telling me anything the others haven't already tried telling me, only... I can't stop feeling guilty. I've apologized to some of them, but they keep telling me I have nothing to apologize for." She shrugged. "I don't believe that."

"Do you think you'd feel better if you apologized to everyone...as a group?"

"I don't know...maybe..."

"So you really feel like you deserve some sort of punishment," Wendy said.

"I feel as though I've done something wrong," she replied. "If one has done something wrong, I feel that he or she should be punished." She paused. "They're the last people I wanted to hurt in all this. I honestly don't know what I think I deserve, but…I think I'd feel better if they did get a little angry with me. I'd almost feel better if they were angry. _I'm_ angry with me."

"Ah, we're getting somewhere now. Why are you angry with yourself? You haven't done anything wrong…have you?"

"Well, it was my idea to go on the expedition in the first place. I was the one who started all of this. There isn't anyone else to blame."

Wendy let out a sigh and placed a hand on her trembling shoulder. "No, you didn't start this. Even if you hadn't gone on the expedition that day, isn't it possible the universe would have found another way?"

Kristin's jaw dropped open in shock.

"It's just... Isn't it possible that everything that happened was meant to be, and it's not exactly something you could control? That no one could control it?" She paused and placed a hand on Kristin's cheek. "Are you all right? You've gone pale."

"Y-yes, it's just... Someone recently told me the same thing..." She shook her head and swallowed hard. "So you're saying I had no control over it at all...that if I hadn't gone on that expedition, I might have had another tragic accident elsewhere? It's a little difficult to believe that everything was planned like that. I'm not used to being so out of control..."

"I know it might be hard for you to believe... And I know you're not... I'm sure you base everything you know about the world on scientific fact. Most doctors usually do. I can't really give you scientific facts to back up what I've just told you, but...it is something I believe. That everything that happens is meant to happen."

After a long, pregnant pause, Kristin asked, "But...why me?" Her voice sounded so small, she even surprised herself. "Couldn't the universe find someone else to pick on?"

Wendy hugged her again. "Oh, honey, I...I can't exactly answer that. I can't say why you, and I know it looks like the world is out to get you sometimes, but it's quite the opposite. The universe doesn't hate you. It's... Well, there's a good reason for all of this. It at least brought you and your friends closer together, hasn't it? You said so yourself."

She nodded. "Yes, but... That brings me back to my original problem."

Wendy sighed. "Have you thought about looking at it another way?"

"What way is that?" Kristin asked weakly.

"Well, it could have ended very badly, as you know, but it didn't. No one died at all. You were brought back with hardly a scratch. That's certainly miraculous."

She nodded. "So I've heard."

Wendy gave her a smile. "As a doctor, you've cured people of diseases, haven't you?"

"Of course."

"And when that happens, how do you feel?"

"Happy…accomplished."

"Good. So, Kristin, you've just been saved from a potentially dangerous situation. You could have died, but you didn't. How do you think you should feel?"

"Happy?"

Wendy nodded. "I know it's easier said than done, but I'd like you to try to focus on that for now."

"I've tried, but..."

The younger woman raised a hand. "I wasn't quite finished." She pause and eyed her carefully. "You are _happy_ to be alive, aren't you?"

"Y-es...I mean, I wasn't ready to die, only..." She bit her lip and lowered her voice. "For a minute, I wished they'd have left me out there when I'd heard how much I'd hurt them."

Wendy squeezed her hand. "That's not an out-of-the-ordinary thought. You didn't really mean that, exactly. What you wanted...still want...is for the pain to go away."

"Yes," she said after a minute. "That's exactly it, but... I have no idea how to do that."

Wendy moved to open the bedside table drawer and took out the small notepad and pencil there. "Well, you need to remember Rome wasn't built in a day, but I have a few ideas if your mind is open. I'd like to try a visualization exercise with you, if you're willing."

"I'll try anything."

She handed the notepad and pencil to her. "Negative emotions, unhappy memories, and guilt drain our energy. Such emotions weigh us down and limit us. They keep us stuck and prevent us from moving forward. But let's talk a bit more first. Now getting back to your friends...do you think they're angry with you?"

She shook her head. "They'd already said that they weren't, but I think I may have hurt them, disappointed them..."

"Well, I can understand why you might have thought that before, but it's not too late, you know."

"But I'm not even sure how to begin," she said with a sigh. "Should I start with an apology?"

Wendy gave her a gentle smile. "That's something you need to ask yourself. But can I tell you something?"

"All right."

"Joshua introduced me to most of the senior staff earlier this evening. From what I've observed, I certainly don't see them as people to hold a grudge against you. They all had wonderful things to say about you, and I highly doubt they'd think it horrible if you asked them for their forgiveness. If you're feeling the guilt you are, I don't see that as an unreasonable request. And if you heard their forgiveness voiced aloud, would that help you?"

Kristin thought for a moment. "I suppose it would."

"Well, that's what you need to do then."

"But I'm not sure I can-"

"Yes, you can. We'll gather everyone together so you can do it if that's what you'd like. We can even do it together. I won't leave you alone if you don't feel comfortable, but that's something that can wait. Let's get back to the exercise, if you're ready?"

Kristin nodded.

"Good," Wendy said with a smile. " Now I want you to pick the pencil up, please, and write down everything troubling you right now: all the emotions and the memories that are weighing you down. There's no need to rush. Take your time."

Kristin took a deep breath and slowly picked up the pencil as if it were a dangerous weapon. Then she brought the tip to the paper and slowly began writing. Then as her mind began to open and think of everything that had been worrying her, she began writing faster as she filled a quarter of the page. Then she filled half the page. And by the time she was finished, she'd filled a whole page. As she continued, she'd filled two pages and then three. Finally, she set the pencil down then, reading through everything she'd written down silently.

"Are you finished?" Wendy asked.

"I think so," she replied.

"Good. Now I want you to close your eyes and think of the painful words you've just written out. Think of the burden these unhealthy emotions have created for you. Realize that you must release the past, for the past cannot be changed and such useless, guilty emotions only rob you of your power."

Wendy then brought her lips to Kristin's ear. "Let go of the past, Kristin. Say it with me."

"Let go of the past," Kristin repeated. She turned to Wendy. "I'm trying."

Wendy nodded. "Now rip the pages out of the tablet and tear them up into tiny pieces."

Kristin's brow furrowed slightly before doing so until she had tiny pieces of confetti in her lap.

"Now throw them in here," Wendy said, holding the wastebasket out to her.

Kristin did so.

"Just like the pain and guilt you're feeling, you need to throw it away. This can be a time of metamorphosis and rebirth for you. Don't let your pain and guilt stop that. You have to believe you have the power to change things now. You are in control, Kristin. Believe it."

Strange as it was, Kristin did feel much better from the simple exercise. She felt invigorated, and she suddenly wasn't so ashamed. She put her arms around Wendy's neck. "I feel so much better. I don't know how I can repay you."

Wendy returned the hug. "Just believe you'll overcome this, and that will be thanks enough." She paused. "Well, that was relatively painless, wasn't it?"

She nodded. "So that's it? That was therapy?"

Wendy smiled. "Don't think of it as therapy. Think of it as gaining a new outlook on life. If you're willing, we can keep doing things like that. They'll only help you in the long run."

"Well, it obviously couldn't hurt," Kristin replied. "Yes, I'd like to keep doing it."

"I'll come and see you tomorrow, but just try to focus on that happiness rather than the sorrow."

"I will," she promised. "Thank you again for... Well, knowing I needed you."

Wendy waved a hand. "It was nothing. Um, I suppose I should let you get some sleep. Goodnight, Kristin."

"Goodnight, Wendy."

As she watched Wendy go, Kristin laid back on her pillow and sighed happily. Oh, she was still concerned over Nathan, but for some reason, she believed things would work out there in due time. She also couldn't be sure, but she guessed Carol might have had a hand in some of what Wendy said. "Thank you, Carol," she whispered before falling into a peaceful sleep.


	20. When The Clouds Catch Fire

Nathan woke up later than he'd intended. He rarely slept past 0800 hours, even on his days off, and he'd wanted to be in Kristin's room by the time she'd woken up.

"Well, that's not going to happen now," he whispered to himself, scrubbing a hand across his face. He only hoped the conversation with her would go well. He was trying to do what Carol had said and put Kristin's best interest first, and though Carol had promised Kristin would understand when he told her, he was having a few doubts, mainly because he had no clue what he was going to say to her. He prayed inspiration would hit him when he saw her face.

He quickly dressed and decided to forego breakfast for the time being, making a bee-line for medbay. By the time he neared Kristin's room, he heard talking and laughing. "Damn it," he muttered under his breath. He couldn't very well push the others out of the room. He tried to force a smile and knocked on the door frame. He was surprised to see Kristin out of bed and dressed. He rubbed his eyes. Had he slept longer than he thought? Katie, Cynthia, Ben, and Lucas were gathered around her bed, arms holding flowers and gifts Kristin had received. "Good morning," he said, giving a casual wave when they turned their attention to him.

"Morning, Cap," Ben said, nodding his head towards Kristin. "You're just in time. They're letting her out on good behavior."

Nathan turned to her. "That's a surprise. I thought you'd be in here the rest of the week."

She lowered her gaze and shrugged. "Joshua says there's really no reason I need to stay in here. I'm well enough to rest in my own room."

"That's right," Joshua said, coming into the room then and turning to Nathan. "There's no reason to worry. I mean, her head injury is healing, and her ribs... Well, nothing more can be done. Those will heal on their own, and she's got some prescription pain killers if she needs them. Really, the rest of her healing is all mental, and that's up to her." He held up his hands. "Of course, I'll still be checking up on her, and I'm pretty sure the rest of you will be as well. But I think it's safe to say she'll be fine. Not only that, I don't think she'll be doing anything she's not supposed to."

"I'd already promised I wouldn't," Kristin said with a nod.

"So, really, it looks like we're done here then," Joshua said. "I'm going to assume you don't need me to walk you to your room?"

She smiled softly. "Thank you for the offer, but it doesn't look like I'm lacking for company."

"Then I'll come by and see you later," he told her. "Make sure you rest, though." He gave the others a nod and left the room.

Cynthia picked up the jumbo stuffed dolphin and started towards the door. "We'll just bring these to your room, Mom. Lucas, you'd better grab the balloons. And Ben? I think I'll need your help opening the door. Katie, do you have the flowers?"

"Right," Lucas said, following on Cynthia's heels. "Right behind you."

Katie and Ben hurried after them.

"See you in a minute, Doc," Ben said as they left the room.

Nathan laughed nervously. "They're very subtle, aren't they?"

She gave another quiet shrug, picking some invisible fuzz off of the stuffed lobster in her arms.

"You know, if you and the lobster want to be alone, I could come back later?" he teased, hoping it might get her to smile...or at least talk.

She simply looked at him but didn't offer a comment.

He sighed, not missing the sadness in her eyes. "I'm sorry about last night. I'd meant to come back, but I fell asleep."

"It's all right," she said quietly, still toying with the lobster in her arms, not bothering to make eye contact.

"And I'm sorry I made you angry," he told her, carefully inching towards her.

"I never said I was angry," she replied stiffly, taking a step back. "Did I say that?"

He put a hand on her cheek, urging her to look at him. "No, you didn't. Maybe that's not the right word. I know I hurt you, and I'm sorry."

"It's all right," she replied, softening. "It's not all your fault. I shouldn't have pushed you, I suppose." She took a deep breath. "I...I wanted to tell you..." She trailed off, moving to sit on the bed.

Nathan watched her carefully for a few moments before following her. He placed a gentle hand on her arm. "What is it you were going to say?"

She bit her bottom lip. "Well...I want to make sure you're not going to run from me again before I do." She put her hand in his.

Nathan didn't miss the fact she was squeezing tighter than normal, almost as if he might float away. He put a hand over hers. "I promise I won't."

"I've remembered a few more things, I think," she said, her voice barely above a whisper. "I came to you." Her eyes locked onto his, as if searching for confirmation.

He nodded. "I think you knew...well, part of you knew...that something wasn't right."

"I remember that feeling," she muttered, running a hand through her hair. "And then we..." She shook her head. "Well, I don't think I need to tell you what we did." She blushed prettily. "I think you know, don't you?"

"Yeah, I was there."

There was a long moment of silence between them before Kristin decided to break it.

"Nathan, did I... I never meant to make you feel uncomfortable." She put a hand to her chest. "I'd never... Had it been reality, I'd never have been so forward. I can..." She took a shaky breath. "I am sorry."

His brow furrowed in question. "Sorry? For what?"

"Well, isn't that why you ran away? Because I was forcing you to admit... And you're obviously not ready. I don't know if I'm ready..." She shook her head. "There doesn't need to be anything more. I...I don't want things to change. The last thing I want to do is to ruin our friendship. I never meant... Please, just don't cut yourself off from me. I...I hate it when we can't talk. Just...just don't stop talking to me."

"Oh, Kris," Nathan muttered. "I could never. Look, we do have a lot to talk about, but I...I came here to let you know why I ran off, and it _wasn't_ because of you."

"It...it wasn't?"

"No, of course not." He interlocked his fingers with hers. "I think you might know this already, but you are so special to me. You could never do anything to make me want to hide from you. _Ever_." He shook his head. "I'm sorry if this sounds cliché, but it's me, not you. I need a little time to...to think, to have the courage to have that important conversation with you. This is... Well, even though we're no strangers to love, this is new to us. I just need a little time."

She put a reassuring hand on his arm and rubbed gently. "I understand."

"You do?"

She smiled softly. "Of course. I mean...I'm still healing, and I'm going to need time myself. I guess I'm just happy to know you're not abandoning me."

"Not in a million years," he replied. "I went through all the trouble to bring you back alive. You think I'd let you slip through my fingers again?"

She lowered her gaze and gave a shrug. "Sometimes, it's difficult to remember...and that's not your fault. That's _mine_. I'm working on that with Dr. Smith, though."

He raised an eyebrow. "So you did decide to speak with her?"

"Well, it wasn't exactly planned, but...it wasn't so bad. I hate to admit it, but you were right on that one."

He moved to place a light kiss to her forehead. "I promise I won't hold that over your head." He paused. "You know, we've been in here a while. You don't want to stay in medbay all day, so may I walk you to your room, Doctor?"

She smiled softly. "That would be lovely, Captain?"

He picked up the lobster. "I'll just carry your little friend here."

"It's a present from Ben," she replied with a light laugh. "And so is that dolphin, though I have no idea where I'm going to put it."

"We'll find a place," Nathan told her. "Otherwise, we can always have him room with Darwin." He then offered his arm, and they started on the walk to her quarters.

Once they reached her room, Nathan opened the door and let her pass. He noticed the others had already left. "Guess we took too long. Sorry you missed your company."

She held up a note they'd pinned to the stuffed dolphin, which they'd put in the corner. Sitting on the dolphin's lap was a small basket with muffins. "If I didn't know any better, I'd say they planned this." She cleared her throat and read the note aloud. "Dear Captain and Doc, thought you two might like to have breakfast alone. Coffee's in the pot. Enjoy!"

Nathan smiled. "I swear I had nothing to do with it," he said, picking up the basket. "You haven't eaten yet?"

She shook her head. "When Joshua told me I could come to my own room, I was more focused on getting things packed up." She nodded her head towards the coffee pot. "Did you want some?"

"You sit, and I'll get us some, okay? You're still recuperating, remember?"

To his relief, she didn't argue. She sat down at the table, and he moved to get them some coffee; then he brought them to the table and sat. As they began to eat, Nathan nodded his head towards the dolphin. "You know, I could put Mr. Dolphin on sea deck for you. Hang him from the ceiling or something."

"Sam," she replied through sips of coffee.

"What?"

"That's his name," she replied quietly, "if you don't mind, that is." She brushed a few muffin crumbs off the table. "I'd told you I'd remembered some things, but...I think I'd rather have him here for now. He's comforting."

He looked at the dolphin thoughtfully. "I think Sam would approve, and I think the name suits him." He reached across the table and put a hand over hers. "And we will talk about everything you've remembered very soon."

"I look forward to it," she said with smile.

_-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_

"Well, I suppose I should let you get some rest," Nathan told her. "Maybe I could come by later?"

"I'd like that," she replied with a nod.

"And if you need anything, don't hesitate to call."

She gave him a smile. "I won't, but I think I'll be okay. But if anything changes, I'll let you know."

"I'm glad to hear it. Well, later then," he said before disappearing out the door.

"Later," she called before picking up Sam the dolphin and laying him on her bed. She then took out her journal and pen and moved to lie next to the dolphin, using it as a pillow.

"At least you're comfortable," she muttered, snuggling in against it. She'd been itching to write down her dreams and memories for fear she might forget them, and she felt the need to organize them.

She made two columns on the page, one of things she knew for sure were memories and the other of dreams. She then wrote down everything she'd remembered: going to Nathan and speaking with him, his story about Sam and his special abilities, seeing Katie in the corridor, realizing Nathan was the only one who could see her, the dinner, the kiss.

After she'd finished, she paused, deciding if there was anything she was leaving out. She then wondered if there was anything more to remember.

When she moved onto the other column, however, she decided there must be. Carol had told her she'd been guiding her the entire time, even when she was lost. She placed the pen in her mouth and chewed on the cap for a few minutes. She wished she could remember what Carol had told her then, only she couldn't, no matter how hard she tried.

She then shrugged. Perhaps it didn't matter. Carol was still with her, and that was very comforting. She honestly didn't know how she'd have made it through all this if she hadn't been with her. And not only did she have her, but she also had James as well. Really, she counted herself quite lucky. How many people could say they were able to speak with their guardian angels on a regular basis?

Well, perhaps angel wasn't the proper word, but Kristin couldn't think of a better word than that. She finished writing and set her journal aside. She felt better after writing things down, indeed, but she felt unsure about some things. She rolled over and hugged the stuffed dolphin. Perhaps a nap would help clear her head...and she hoped Carol might grace her with her presence. She still had so many questions...

_-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_

_"Ask and you shall receive, my darling..."_

_Kristin found herself lying in the warm sand on Nathan's island. She sat up and looked and saw Carol sitting in a beach chair next to her. She gave her a smile. "I'm glad you're here. I...I missed you last night."_

_Carol moved to sit next to her. "I'm sorry. I was a bit preoccupied," she replied, putting an arm around Kristin's shoulders. "What's troubling you?"_

_She shrugged. "I don't know. I feel a bit...shaky, I suppose. I've been remembering more and more, as you know. And then there's the situation with Dr. Smith. Did you arrange that?"_

_"Who, me? I'd already told you we can't manipulate humans like that."_

_"She told me the same thing you did... But then I'm sure you know this already."_

_She nodded quietly. "I might have given Joshua a little push to bring her aboard, but he'd already been thinking of it anyway. And I knew Dr. Smith's beliefs. She just happens to think the same way I do, but I...I didn't make her say that. However, I think you needed to hear it from her as well. Just because I tell you something doesn't mean you can believe it right away."_

_"I did need to hear it. I mean, it helped." She paused. "Then..well, you know about what's going on with Nathan, I assume?" She wrung her hands together as she felt her cheeks grow warm._

_Carol brushed a stray curl behind Kristin's shoulder. "Yes, I do. That's why I didn't come see you. He needed me a bit more. But is that the problem? You seemed okay with it all."_

_She held up a hand. "No, I am okay with it. I couldn't ask for more, really. I just..." She bit her bottom lip. "I hadn't realized how dependent I've become."_

_"Dependent?" Carol repeated, shaking her head. "You think you shouldn't be depending on people? After everything we've spoken about? I'd told you you couldn't get through this alone. Can't you see that?"_

_Kristin pushed herself up off the sand and took a few steps away from her. "That's not exactly what I meant. I...I don't mind having to depend on others right now. It's...it's apparent I need that. I'm very grateful for my friends and family. I just didn't quite count on getting so attached to you is what I meant."_

_A hand rose to Carol's mouth. "Oh, I see..."_

_"So now you see my point?" Kristin asked after a moment. "I am so very grateful for you as well, but...you can't be with me forever, can you?"_

_Carol breathed a heavy sigh. "I'll always be with you, but not...not quite like this. I'll help you any way I can, but I can't be at your beck and call. And that's not from me not wanting to. It's just there will be others who need me just as much."_

_"I suspected so..." she said, feeling a lump grow in her throat. She swallowed hard, trying to force it down. "I...I can't say I don't understand it. I just don't..." She wiped at her eyes. "What if I can't make it without you? How do I... How will I know if I'm making the wrong move? What if I make a mistake?"_

_"Oh, sweetheart," Carol whispered, moving to wrap her arms around her. "I never meant... None of this was done to make you question yourself, your actions. You've always had confidence before."_

_"But that was before I knew...about any of this..." she cried softly. "I don't know how... What if I can't overcome that?"_

_"You don't," she admitted. "But that's when your faith will come in."_

_"My faith? But I... I don't... I'm a woman of science. I don't believe in God all the time; I've tried, but it's difficult. And I-"_

_"I wasn't talking about God, dear. I don't expect you to change your beliefs that way. I meant your faith in yourself."_

_Her brow furrowed. "But I... I still don't know if I'm coming or going yet." She ran a hand through her hair. "You...you heard Joshua. It could take me months before I'm back where I need to be. I can't...I can't do it without you."_

_"I know," Carol replied. "But you will get there. You need to believe that. As for me... Well, I'm not leaving you yet, so try not to worry so much about that."_

_Kristin shook her head. "I've tried, but what if I-"_

_"Don't think that way. How about this? What if I promise not to leave you until I know you can handle things on your own?"_

_"You...you mean that?"_

_"Of course I do, dear. I'd told you I wanted to help you, and I meant it. I wouldn't leave you feeling lost and hopeless." She placed a kiss to her forehead. "So no more worries. Just try to rest."_

_"Thank you," Kristin muttered, feeling more at ease and falling into a deeper sleep._

_-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_

As soon as Kristin was back in her own bed, Carol swore under her breath. She hadn't anticipated Kristin getting quite so attached to her either. Perhaps that's why Headquarters made sure assignments only lasted a short while.

But Carol knew that if she'd have left Kristin and Nathan alone... Well, the outcome would not have been as pleasant. Kristin never would have made the leaps and bounds she'd made...well, not as quickly as she did anyway. And Nathan? He'd have let his fear speak for him, and he'd have left Kristin alone.

She suddenly felt a hand on her shoulder, and she jumped.

"Sorry," came the male voice. "I didn't mean..."

She turned to see James. "You scared the living daylights out of me."

"Sorry," he said again. "I'd called your name back there, but you didn't hear me, I guess."

She sighed. "It's all right. It's not exactly your fault." Her brow furrowed. "But I thought you were on another assignment already?"

He shrugged. "Not yet, actually. Besides, I think we both know you need me more."

"You heard," she said with a nod. It wasn't a question.

"It's a small realm," he replied, giving her a weak smile.

"Yeah, well, I've gotten myself into a mess now." She bit her bottom lip in worry. "I...I don't really care what Headquarters does to me, but I never... I didn't want to hurt Kristin...or Nathan for that matter. I'm afraid I might have done that already."

James put an arm around her shoulders. "And why would you think that? I...I don't think I've seen my sister quite so happy."

She gave him a doubtful look. "You haven't been paying too much attention, have you?"

"Yes, I have," he said with a light laugh. "You should know she is happy. I mean, sure, she's got a little ways to go, but she's doing better...much better than she was before."

"But she's still doubting herself." She shook her head. "If I can't convince her she's going to be fine on her own, she'll keep doing it. I...I can't be with her all the time. You know that. And it's not because I don't want to. If I could, I would, but..."

"I know," James replied. "You don't need to explain it to me...but I thought you'd said you peeked at her future?"

"Y-yes... But only a few of them. You know it's not a crystal ball. None of them are set in stone. And I stupidly missed the one where she couldn't go on without me."

"You can't beat yourself up about it now. What's done is done."

"Maybe, but I obviously need to fix it now. I can't leave her hanging like that...and I...I had to lie to her. I will stay with her for as long as I can, but when Headquarters finds out I've been passing on the other assignments they've given me to others, I'm going to have hell to pay." She sat down on the beach. "They'll probably put me on probation."

After a minute, James sat next to her. "They might not, you know."

"Don't patronize me, James."

"I'm not." He grabbed a handful of sand and watched it slip through his fingers. "I think it's time for me to be honest with you."

A brow rose. "What do you mean?"

"I was sent by Headquarters to check up on you. They already know what you've been up to."

"Great," she said with a sigh. "So how much trouble am I in?"

"None, so far. They're waiting on my report, which I'm not going to give for awhile. And I think I'll tell them everything is just fine." He gave a shrug. "I'd meant what I'd said earlier... That this isn't manipulation. This is a special case. Sure, maybe you got a little too involved, but then again, so did I. And if we hadn't... Well, we both know things would have gone badly."

"Thank you for that. I'm glad it's you and not someone who doesn't really know what's going on here." She sighed. "So now what do we do about Kristin, though?"

"I think as the days go on, she'll get better. She's already made progress. Her insecurity will melt away with that."

"Yes, but that might be because she knows she has me," Carol pointed out. "When she's feeling unsure, all she needs to do is call me, and I'm there for her. I haven't let her down yet. But we know that has to come to an end soon enough."

He gave her shoulder a gentle squeeze. "You'll just have to show her she doesn't need you like she thinks she does."

"That's easy for you to say. How am I going to do that?"

He gave her a hug. "You'll think of something. You always do. You've gotten Kristin through everything so far. You'll get her through this, too."


	21. And The Oceans Pitch

After leaving Kristin's room, Nathan returned to his own quarters. He'd actually had a few things he wanted to do. Ever since the Talbots had been brought aboard, Nathan had been meaning to visit them, but with everything going on, it kept slipping away from him. He was almost sorry he'd never bumped into them during their stay, not even in the mess hall. Since he wasn't yet cleared to go back to work, Nathan decided today had to be the day. If he kept putting it off any longer, the Talbots would be long gone.

But first, he wanted to give thanks. He placed Carol's photo into his hologram computer and pushed a button. He stared at her smiling face for a few moments. "Not quite like last night, is it?" he asked with a grin. "But I also remember what you'd told me. I don't necessarily need you...not like I used to." He shrugged. "I'm still learning to accept that, but I'm getting there. Still, I felt the need to thank you."

He moved to sit on the edge of his desk. "You'd told me Kristin would understand the moment I'd told her what was going on." He sighed. "I admit I didn't quite believe you. I expected a bit of a fight, but there was nothing. You were right. She said she understood." He paused for a few minutes. "Maybe I was underestimating you...or Kristin, for that matter. Maybe...maybe she's more than I expected, and you were right. I was being selfish. I am doing my best to put her first right now. I hope you can see that. Anyway, I...I wanted to thank you for everything. I...I know you've been talking to her, and whatever you've done, it's helped. I hope you keep helping her, at least until she's back where she needs to be. I just hope-"

"Captain?" came Tim's voice from the intercom.

"Yes, Mr. O'Neill?"

"You have a call from Admiral Noyce."

 _Damn_ , Nathan thought. That was something else he'd been planning to do. He hadn't spoken with Bill since their little confrontation days ago. The man probably wasn't too happy with him. He turned the hologram off and tried to look alert. "Put it through to my quarters; thank you, Mr. O'Neill."

"Aye, sir," came O'Neill's reply as Bill's face appeared on the screen, looking less than happy.

"Nathan, it's good to see you alive. I thought you might have dropped of the face of the earth," he said with a slight frown.

Nathan held up a hand. "I know, and I know what you're going to say, but I have a very good explanation. I-"

"I'll save you the trouble. I already know you ignored orders and went out looking for the doctor anyway...more than once. I also know you finally found her, but it earned you a stay in medbay and a few days off duty." He sighed. "Dr. Levin told me everything."

"Oh..." Nathan muttered. "I'm not exactly sure what you want me to say now."

"You don't need to say anything," Bill replied. "Look, as far as the brass knows, every one of you followed orders." He shrugged. "I may have stretched the truth. To be honest, I knew you weren't going to listen to me anyway."

A brow rose. "You did?"

"Nathan, you're one of my oldest friends. I know how you work," he said with a smile. "I know it's not always easy following orders, but it's also not easy _giving_ those orders. Truthfully, though, I'm glad you didn't follow my orders on this one. Don't get me wrong. I had my reasons. I didn't want to see you or the crew getting hurt or worse, but I'm really glad we aren't making funeral arrangements for anyone right now."

"Me, too," Nathan replied.

"So, how is she?"

"She's much better than she was. Dr. Levin actually released her from medbay earlier, but she's in her quarters resting. She'll be off duty for a little while yet, but I'm sure you know Joshua brought someone in to help him."

"Yes, he mentioned. Admiral Smith's daughter," he said with a nod. "But I'm happy to hear that. In fact, I'd like to tell her that myself."

"Well, I could have her call you later? She might be lying down..."

Bill shook his head. "That's not quite what I meant. I'd like to tell her in person. After everything that's happened, I think it's the least I could do. I'll be leaving on a launch shortly, and since you're still near the Gulf of Alaska, I should be there in a few hours. Oh, and tell the rest of the crew this is nothing more than a casual visit. I'll only stay a day or two, and I don't want everyone up in arms, worried I'm there for some sort of inspection."

"I'm sure she'll appreciate that. I'll see you soon then."

"Soon, indeed," Bill replied before cutting the link.

__-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_ _

Kristin awoke to a light knocking on her door. "Just...just a moment," she called, running her hands through her mussed hair and doing a quick check in the mirror to ensure she didn't look like a swamp witch before opening the door to see Lucas wearing a grin and holding a deck of cards.

"Hey, Doc, I thought you could use a little company." His smile faded as he eyed her. "You weren't asleep, were you?"

She waved a hand. "Yes, but I'd only meant to nap a short while. I'm glad you came by."

He bit his bottom lip. "You're sure? I could come back later..."

"Yes, I'm sure." She gently pulled on his arm and brought him inside.

Lucas motioned to the table. "I just thought we could play some cards. Maybe Crazy Eights or Gin Rummy? Go Fish, even?" he said with a shrug.

Kristin nodded, and the two sat down. "We can play whatever you like...though I'm surprised you're not hanging out with Ben or Adam or the others. I want you to know you don't have to feel obligated to spend time with me. I...I know it's not very exciting in here."

His brow furrowed. "Doc, I love spending time with you, especially after..." He sighed. "I'm with Ben all the time, and Adam wanted to spend some time with his dad." He reached across the table and gave her hand a gentle squeeze. "I'm in here because I want to be in here with you...unless you'd rather have me go." He quickly pulled away.

She grabbed his hand again. "N-no, that's not what I meant. I'm sorry if I-"

"It's okay," he said, waving off her apology. "I...I know we haven't talked about it much...you and me...our relationship."

"Oh..." She shrugged. "You're not in here to play cards after all, are you?"

He lowered his gaze. "We can if you still want. I was just...hoping we could talk."

She stood and moved to stand behind him, placing her hands on his shoulders. "Lucas, of course we can. I'm always here for you if you feel the need for that. You don't need to pretend to have another purpose other than that." She paused. "You're not still feeling guilty about what happened, are you?"

He shook his head. "N-no, not at all. I mean, I still feel bad about what happened, but I...I know it's not my fault, like you said." He turned to look at her. "In fact, I've been thinking about it and how much it meant to me...a lot."

"I see..."

"Doc, you know I don't have the best relationship with my parents..." He took a deep breath and rubbed his hands on his jeans. "Don't get me wrong. I know they love me. I'm their son, and nothing will ever change that. They just have a very odd way of showing that love." He gave a shrug. "But I've always been closer to my dad. Even though they're both emotionally anorexic, my dad has always put in more of an effort than my mother."

Kristin knelt before him, and she could see tears in his eyes. "Lucas, you don't need-"

"No, Doc, I do..." he replied, wiping at his eyes. "My dad, even with all the broken promises and the failed attempts to get together, he's sure to tell me he loves me. At least that's something. I give him credit for that."

He lowered his head, taking several shaky breaths. Kristin squeezed his hand in an effort of support. "I'm going to take a wild guess and assume your mother is the opposite?" she said softly.

He gave a quiet nod. "I think she blames me."

She moved to brush the hair out of his eyes. "Whatever for?"

"For growing up, I guess? I don't really know. All I know is that after she divorced Dad, things between her and me became strained. By then, I was already in college, and... Well, I wasn't her little boy anymore. I'd tried talking about it with her once. She'd just told me things had changed."

"That might be, but that's no reason to stop saying those words. I don't care how old Cynthia is, I'll always tell her I love her. I still tell you I love you," she replied.

"I...I know, and you not only say it; you _show_ it." He motioned towards the door. "You...you showed it out there. No one's ever... Had it been my own mother and I out there, I'm not sure she'd have done the same thing, Doc." He let a few tears slip out. "I just... I don't know what I did to deserve that."

Kristin wrapped him in her arms. "Oh, Lucas," she whispered. "You haven't done anything. Your parents are just...blind to what they have in front of them. I know I'm not a very good substitute, but-"

He gently pulled away to look at her, giving a shake of his head. "Th-that's not what I meant," he said through his tears. "I meant you."

"What?" she asked, her eyebrows knitting together in confusion.

"I meant I don't know what I did for you that you'd do that." He held up a hand. "I know what you said when we spoke about it earlier, but like I said, I've been thinking. I...I haven't always treated you like I should. It's easy for me with the captain. But I haven't made it very easy on you. I've always pushed you away. I don't mean to, but... But none of that mattered to you when we were out there. You...you saved my life, knowing you could have died..." He took a deep breath. "I haven't really known how to thank you for that... I know you'd said I didn't need to, but I...I'm going to start now."

"Lucas?"

"I'm going to do my best to show you I love you, too," he continued. "I...I can't promise there won't be setbacks along the way, but I want you to know I'm going to make an effort. After we nearly lost you... Well, life's too short not to show you while you're still here."

Kristin's own eyes welled up with tears. "Oh, sweetheart." She pulled him into her arms again. "I...I'm sorry this whole situation forced you to face a few difficult truths, but...I can't lie and say I'm not happy about what you've just said."

"I'm glad," he replied, hugging her tighter. "I love you so much, Doc."

"I love you, too," she told him, and they held each other for a long time.

After several minutes, she pulled away and grabbed the box of tissues from the counter. She took one for herself and then handed the box to Lucas. "I hope you don't mind when I tell you I don't want you to worry about this anymore, though," she said, dabbing at her eyes.

Lucas blew his nose. "I'm trying not to, really, but there's something else I wanted to mention..."

"Oh?"

He nervously tapped his fingers on the table. "Cynthia mentioned something earlier, and-"

Kristin groaned. "She's been doing a lot of that. I'm going to need to have a serious talk with that girl."

Lucas shrugged. "Don't be too hard on her. She only does it because she loves you, and this time... Well, she pointed out something I hadn't noticed about you and the captain."

Kristin instantly felt her cheeks go warm, since she was sure she knew what he was going to say. The note pinned to the dolphin had said it. She bit her bottom lip, lowering her gaze. "And what was that?"

"She said..." He swallowed hard. "She said you and the captain...have feelings for each other... _romantic_ feelings. I hadn't noticed until she'd said it. I'd just thought... Well, my parents aren't exactly the best role models when it comes to love."

"Lucas, I don't..."

He shook his head. "I think you do," he replied. "Anyway, when she first pointed it out, I...I got angry. I don't know why. I guess because I thought you two might forget about me."

She moved back to the table and sat across from him. She put a reassuring hand over his. "Lucas...we'd never let that happen."

He nodded. "I know...I thought about that, too. And I...I wanted to let you know I'm happy for you two. You two...you deserve to be happy."

She gave him a soft smile. "I appreciate your maturity, but...while Cynthia isn't exactly wrong, the captain and I aren't running off to get married any time soon."

"Y-you're not?"

She shook her head. "We haven't even decided what exactly to do about our feelings... It's a bit new for us." She gave a shrug. "Either way, when he and I do decide, we will definitely make sure you don't feel brushed aside. We won't be like your parents."

"Yeah, I figured that out...with Ben's help." His cheeks reddened slightly. "I'm sorry I even got angry about it in the first place."

"Oh, Lucas, you needn't berate yourself for it. It's in the past, and...I had no idea about it until now."

He nodded. "Ben said the same thing. It was his idea I talk to you about it in the first place."

"You know, we really don't give him enough credit. Ben can be very wise, and he was certainly right about this one. I'm glad you listened to him."

"I am, too," Lucas replied. "I...I feel much better."

"Good." She patted his arm gently. "Are you still up for that game of cards?"

He smiled. "You still want to play?"

"I would love nothing more."

Lucas took out the cards, shuffled them well, and started dealing. "I haven't played Go Fish for years."

__-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_ _

Since the accident, Dr. Talbot had been avoiding leaving the guest quarters on the _seaQuest_. Though he appreciated all the crew had done for him and his son, he couldn't help but feel rather guilty about what had happened to Kristin. No one seemed to blame him exactly, but he felt it best to stay out of their way. That's why he was surprised when he received a knock on his door.

He moved to answer it. "Uh, Captain Bridger, hello." He stepped aside to let him pass.

Nathan give him a smile. "I came by to see how you were feeling. I'm sorry it's coming a little later than I'd intended."

Jeffrey waved a hand. "It's all right. Things have been a little crazy...or so I've heard. And I'm feeling much better, thank you...and so is Adam. He's been spending a lot of time with Lucas." He paused. "Can I be frank? I'm surprised you're even coming to see me after everything."

A brow rose. "Why wouldn't I? You're a guest here, and you're a friend of Kristin's... You don't think I'm angry with you?"

"Actually, yeah... I thought everyone might be. I mean, I'm the one who took us towards the storm and then I couldn't get us out of it." He shrugged. "I know everything worked out okay, but... It might not have. I, for one, have learned an important lesson."

Nathan put a hand on his shoulder. "I'm not angry with you, Jeffrey. I don't think anyone is. I think we're all just happy everything worked out as it did."

Jeffrey thought for a long moment before nodding. "I am as well. How is she?"

"Better...much better. You know she's in her own room now. You should make a point to visit her."

"I'm glad to hear that...and I will. I've just been... Well, I didn't want to cause any more trouble, so I've been keeping to myself."

Nathan sighed. "Well, you don't need to. We don't expect guests to stay in their rooms here. You can have a look around."

Jeffrey shrugged. "I realize that. Adam's been all over the place. He and Lucas are practically attached at the hip, and the rest of your crew have welcomed him. They've all been very kind."

"I wouldn't expect anything less." Nathan glanced at his watch. "You know, I've got time. Why don't you let me give you a bit of a tour?"

"All...all right. And maybe we can stop by Kristin's room later then?"

"Of course; I'm sure she'll be thrilled to see you."

__-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_ _

After Nathan had showed Jeffrey all over the boat, they walked to the crew quarters. Nathan nearly ran right into Lucas, who was coming from Kristin's room. "Hey, kiddo, where's the fire?" he teased.

"Sorry," he muttered. "I wanted to get to the mess before they stopped serving lunch. You're going to see the doc?"

"Yeah, is she awake?"

Lucas nodded. "She and I have been playing cards. I thought I'd give her a rest."

"Well, we won't stay with her long. Oh, but do me a favor while you're on the way to the mess. Let the others know Admiral Noyce is coming for a visit. It's just a casual visit, but I still want everyone to be on their best behavior. Be sure to tell Ben for me."

Lucas flashed him a grin. "I will, Cap. See you later."

As the boy left, Nathan and Jeffrey walked to Kristin's door; Nathan knocked gently.

"Did you forget- Oh, sorry, I thought you were Lucas. He was just in here," Kristin said when she saw the two of them. "Come in, please."

Yeah, he'd mentioned," Nathan replied. "And I know you need your rest, but..." He placed a hand on Jeffrey's arm. "Jeffrey here was telling me how afraid he was to come see you."

"Afraid?" Kristin searched Jeffrey's eyes. "What for? It's still me. Nothing's changed. I'd wondered where you'd been...why you hadn't..."

Jeffrey's cheeks pinked. "I'd felt a bit guilty...after everything. I feel responsible. If I wouldn't have steered the _Serenity_ so far away from the gulf..."

Kristin gave him a hug. "Oh, Jeffrey, I don't blame you. I don't think anyone does."

"That's what I'd told him," Nathan replied. "I only wish I would have spoken with him sooner, but time got away from me."

"Well, better late than never," Kristin said. "But if there's one thing I learned in all of this, we can't keep dwelling on the past. Maybe...maybe we all did some things we aren't exactly proud of, but the important thing is that we learn from them... To make sure we do better the next time around. Don't you think?"

Jeffrey smiled softly. "I suppose you're right. I am sorry I waited so long to come see you. I'm glad you're all right. I could never have lived with myself if-"

Kristin held up a halting hand. "Don't dwell on the past, remember?"

He nodded. "Right. Well, I hope this doesn't stop you from ever coming to the Kenai Peninsula again." He looked at Nathan. "She did say you'd like to come see the whales, too. I was thinking we could arrange something again." He held up his hands. "This time, I promise I'll check the weather reports. And we'll stay as close to shore as possible."

Nathan laughed softly. "Not a terrible idea."

Kristin simply shrugged. "We'll play it by ear. Not that I don't trust you, but I...it'll be a little while before I'm ready for that."

"I understand completely," Jeffrey said with a nod, "but perhaps in a few months, you'll feel differently."

She nodded, stifling a yawn. "Sorry," she muttered. "I guess I'm more tired than I thought."

"Well, I really don't want to keep you," Jeffrey said. "I just came by to apologize. Adam and I will probably be leaving tomorrow anyway. Joshua's been keeping a close eye on us, but I think we're pretty well healed."

"I'm glad to hear it," Kristin replied, "though I hope you'll be sure to see me before you go."

"We will," Jeffrey told him. "Um, I'll show myself out, if you don't mind. I promised I'd meet Adam for lunch."

"See you later," Nathan told him with a wave before turning to Kristin. "You've had a busy day already, hm?"

She nodded. "Oh, I appreciate it, but I'm still not used to being up and about yet. I get tired easily."

He put an arm around her shoulders. "That won't be forever. I won't stay long myself, but I wanted to tell you there's a surprise in store for you."

"A surprise?" She shook her head. "I hope you don't mind me saying it, but I don't think I like surprises right now. Not lately, anyway."

Nathan smiled. "Well, this is a good surprise, I promise. Admiral Noyce is coming to visit, and-"

"How is that a good surprise?" she interrupted. "Nathan, he _hates_ me. And he can't be too happy with me, considering you went against his orders to find me." She shook her head. "And you think I'll be able to sleep after what you've just told me?"

"Kristin, Bill doesn't _hate_ you," Nathan replied. "He's coming because he wants to see you."

"Yeah, to yell at me, I'm sure."

"No. You know what he told me? He's glad I didn't follow orders after all. At the end of the day, he didn't want to see you die. Now does that sound like someone who hates you?"

"No..." she said after a minute. "So he's really not angry?"

"He said he wasn't, and I don't think he'd lie about that. I don't think you should see it as a bad thing." He shrugged. "I didn't tell you to worry you."

"I know...and I'm sorry. I guess I'm still a bit...unsure about some things."

He placed a gentle kiss to her forehead. "I understand, but this...this isn't something you need to worry about. I think he just wants to make sure you're okay. Nothing more. Everything's going to be fine."

She wrapped him in a gentle hug. "All right, I promise I won't worry."

"Get some rest. I'll see you later."


	22. We're Made For The Moments Like This

Dr. Wendy Smith had been settling into her temporary position on the _seaQuest_ quite nicely. She'd always enjoyed working with Joshua when they'd studied together at Cologne, and it was nice to relive some old times with him. Not only that, she couldn't believe how kind everyone was. Not that she expected them to be rude, but she also didn't expect them to show such interest in her. She wasn't used to that. Even in her current position, she and her coworkers weren't really friends.

The _seaQuest_ crew was quite the opposite, however. Even though she'd only been there a short time, she could instantly tell these people genuinely _wanted_ to be her friends. They wanted to know about her and were actually interested in getting to know her... _even_ Dr. Westphalen.

Oh, Wendy had sensed Kristin's reluctance to her presence at first, but she'd been able to dispel it. She really liked Kristin, and she could tell the feeling was mutual, even if the woman was struggling with her recent trauma. Though she hadn't known anything about Kristin personally before the accident, she'd heard about her work in passing a time or two, even before she'd come aboard. She'd also heard the woman was rather formidable.

A few of the crew members had confirmed it after her arrival. Meals in the mess hall made for very interesting conversations, Wendy found. But Kristin Westphalen really wasn't that formidable after all...at least not according to them. She only liked to appear that way. She could give quite a tongue lashing, but in all reality, Kristin had a heart of gold. The one thing that every single person tended to agree on when it came to Kristin: she had unwavering strength...though they'd lamented that her strength seemed to have dissipated since her trauma.

The general consensus seemed to be that the doctor hadn't lost her strength at all; rather, they felt she forgot she had it. When Wendy had visited Kristin last night, she saw what they'd meant firsthand. She knew Kristin Westphalen wasn't a broken woman at all; she'd just lost her way a bit.

Wendy knew her time on the _seaQuest_ was limited, so she wanted to ensure she helped Kristin any way she could while she was there, starting with following through with her promise from the night before. So as not to compromise doctor/patient confidentiality, she'd come up with a slightly different plan to get everyone together so Kristin could as them for forgiveness.

Once she'd gone through the morning rounds, she'd finally had a few minutes of free time. She happened to see Lucas and Cynthia Westphalen by the moon pool visiting Darwin and thought she'd see if they'd be willing to help her.

"Hello, Dr. Smith," Cynthia said when she saw her, waving her over. "Have you met Darwin yet?"

"Only briefly," she replied, leaning over and giving the dolphin a gentle rub on his snout before turning to Lucas. "Though Dr. Levin was telling me all about the vocoder program you created."

Lucas waved a hand. "Well, it's still in beta testing." He picked the vocoder up and spoke, "This is Dr. Smith. Say hello."

"Hello, Dr. Smith," the dolphin said. He then splashed water towards the group. "Darwin play!"

"Darwin," Lucas scolded. "That wasn't very nice."

Wendy laughed, however. "It's not his fault. I've apparently interrupted playtime." She turned to Darwin. "And I promise I'll let you get back to it, but I was hoping to borrow them for just a little while."

"Darwin almost always wants to play, but he can wait," Lucas said, giving Darwin a look and turning the vocoder off. "What did you need?"

"Well, I was hoping we could arrange a small party for later this evening...for Dr. Westphalen. I thought it might do her well after everything..."

"You know, that's not a bad idea," Cynthia replied. "And with the admiral coming to visit, everyone will be around..."

"So you think it would work?" Wendy asked. "I know it's a lot to ask on short notice."

Lucas smiled. "If I don't know how to whip up a party on short notice, I don't deserve to call myself a teenager. We can do it. I'm sure Ben's got some party supplies somewhere."

"Well, I'm glad I spoke with you then. I thought we could have it right here...on sea deck. Maybe around 1800 hours, give or take a bit?"

"That should work," Cynthia replied. "Is it a surprise?"

Wendy nodded. "I'm afraid if we told her, she might refuse. I plan on seeing her as soon as I'm off duty, and I'll lead her here."

"Sounds like a plan," Lucas said. "Don't worry about a thing. We'll take care of everything."

_-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_

_"Hello, darling."_

_Kristin spun around on her heels to see Carol. Yet again, she was on Nathan's island. "Oh, hello. I didn't expect to see you so soon, but I'm not complaining."_

_Carol shrugged. "Well, it's not that you need me right now, exactly... But I need to speak with you."_

_Kristin didn't miss the fact Carol seemed visibly upset. The poor thing was wringing her hands together and she could see her trembling. She wrapped her in a hug and whispered to her in gentle tones. "Whatever it is, it's going to be all right."_

_Carol nodded into her shoulder before placing a hand to her cheek. "I appreciate the comfort."_

_"Well, it's the least I could do after you've helped me." She noted Carol had started pacing, however. "But I don't think I've helped you any. I'm sorry."_

_"Oh, Kristin, no," Carol said, moving back to her. "This...this isn't your fault. I'm just... I don't want to hurt you."_

_Her brow furrowed. "Hurt me? How could you possibly..." She shook her head. "You've done so much to help me. I don't see how you could-"_

_"Kristin, I lied to you," Carol blurted out._

_"W-what?"_

_"I...I'm sorry," she replied. "I just wanted to help you, but I...I didn't know you'd get so dependent on me. I didn't even realize you were so attached until you pointed it out." She bit her bottom lip. "Well, I told a bit of a fib...not to hurt you purposely, mind you. It's just...I can't guarantee how long I'll be able to stay with you..."_

_Kristin's heart sank. She gave a quiet nod, but she also needed some time alone to process what she'd just been told. She turned and walked towards the water. Had it been weeks earlier, she'd have been fine with such news. However, she wasn't **that** Kristin anymore. So much had happened. So much had changed. **She'd** changed. She'd only made the progress she did because she knew, no matter what, she wasn't going through it alone. Carol was there, making sure she didn't make a mistake. But if she had to go... What would become of her? How would she cope? What if- _

_Carol's hand on her shoulder caused her to jump._

_"Sorry," she muttered. "Do...do you understand what I just told you?"_

_"Yes..." she said with a sigh. "It's more of a shock than anything." She swallowed hard. "So, um...how long then?"_

_"I don't know, but I really will try to be with you for as long as I can." She put her arms around her. "Really, though, you need to realize you don't **need** me." _

_Kristin shook her head. "That's not true. I can't do this on my own. I...I'm not strong enough."_

_"You don't really believe that, do you?"_

_Her eyebrows knitted together in thought before she gave a shrug. "I honestly don't know what I believe anymore, but when I can't even handle normal, every day events... Well, what **else** would you call that?" _

_"Kristin, you're wrong. You are **so** strong, even still. You've been through so much lately, and..." She looked her up and down. "Look at that. You're still standing. Even the strongest trees bend and lose a few branches in the wildest storms. You see what I'm saying?" _

_"You seem to forget quite a few trees break in storms as well."_

_"You are **far** from broken, Kristin," Carol said with a shake of her head. "Think about what just happened with Lucas. You were there for him. You helped him, and he found strength...in **you** . He's strong because you're strong. The same with Jeffrey. You gave him such good advice. I only wish you'd follow it yourself. Leave the past in the past." She paused. "So you've lost some branches, Kristin. They'll grow back again, but your trunk is solid. **You** are solid...and you will get back to where you were before. Remember you're not alone." _

_Kristin turned from her again, her arms crossed over her chest._

_Carol moved to stand in front of her. "You don't believe me?"_

_She gave a shrug. "It's just difficult to see..."_

_Carol gave her a tight hug. "I understand, but you...you will not be alone in any of this. Even if I can't be with you, I will make sure you'll be surrounded by people who **can** help you when you feel weak...and that's not a lie. Is that a good compromise you can live with?" _

_She nodded. "I really don't have a choice."_

_Carol brushed a hand through Kristin's hair. "I am sorry about before."_

_"Don't worry. You've made up for it, and I can't hold it against you." She took a deep breath. "I am feeling somewhat better about things. I'm at least not putting as much pressure on myself."_

_"Good," Carol replied. "You'll get through it little by little. Baby steps, you know."_

_She smiled softly. "Can you tell me how this visit with the admiral will go then?"_

_"Believe it or not, Bill's a teddy bear. Don't worry; you'll be fine." She placed a kiss to her cheek. "You'll be fine."_

_-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_

When Kristin woke, she immediately reached for her journal. She wrote: _You haven't lost your strength. Believe it!_ She then closed her journal, set it aside, and pushed herself off her bunk. She glanced at the clock and saw it was after fourteen hundred hours already.

"I'm sleeping my life way," she muttered. "Well, I shouldn't feel guilty. I obviously needed it."

She gave a nod, confirming it to herself before walking to the bathroom to freshen up. As soon as she finished brushing her teeth, she heard a familiar beep: her PAL unit. She hadn't used it for so long, she'd only realized then how much she missed that sound. She picked it up and hit a button. "Westphalen."

"Kristin," Nathan said. "I hope I didn't wake you."

"Not at all, I was actually thinking of leaving my cave," she said with a light laugh. "I had a nice, long nap, but I thought I'd do something a bit more productive than sleeping."

"I was hoping you might stay in your room a bit longer..."

Kristin felt a pinch in her chest when she heard the admiral's voice. "Admiral... Um, hello. I didn't realize you were already here."

"I arrived about an hour ago," he replied. "Is it all right if I come visit you?"

"Of...of course. I don't really have any other plans."

"Good, I'll be there shortly then."

As he cut the link, Kristin heaved a sigh. Despite what Nathan and Carol had both told her, she still had her doubts about this visit. She also didn't understand why he'd make a special trip to the boat just to see her when she wasn't even military. Still, as she heard a knock on her door, she tried to force a smile. "Hello, Admiral," she said when she opened the door, somewhat disappointed to see Nathan wasn't with him.

"Kristin, hello. I've heard you were doing well, but now I get to see it for my own eyes." He eyed her for a moment. "Simply amazing!"

"Uh, thank you," she muttered, motioning to the table and chairs. "Have a seat, please. Can I get you anything? Coffee or tea? A bottle of water?"

He waved a hand. "Of course not. You don't need to wait on me. You're still recuperating. Sit down, please."

She hesitated for a moment before taking a seat across from him. "I...um...I wanted to say I'm sorry...about everything."

A brow rose. "Is that why you think I'm here? To hear you apologize? In person?"

"I don't... I don't really know." She wrung her hands together. "I...I'm not quite used to this...talking with you. In fact, I'm shocked you even wanted to come here...for _me_. It's not as if I'm one of your military submariners. I'm a civilian and, well..." She put a hand to her chest. "You can't be too happy with me. To be honest, I...I thought you hated me. We haven't exactly been the best of friends, so I'm sure you can understand my confusion."

Bill reached across the table and put his hand over hers. "Just because we've butted heads in the past doesn't mean I hate you. And do you really think I need a reason to visit one of the ships in the UEO fleet? For the record, I came here because I genuinely care, and I _don't_ hate you. Do you think I'd have hired you if I'd hated you?"

She shrugged. "I just assumed I was the most qualified person for the position..."

"Well, you were, but I also hired you because I liked you. We don't always see eye to eye, but that's the admiral and the doctor, two people who are both passionate about their views. Scratch that for the time being, though. This is a conversation between Bill and Kristin, not the admiral and the doctor, so please don't be so nervous."

"I...I'm not nervous," she muttered, giving a shake of her head.

He gave her a doubtful look. "Your hands are shaking."

She sighed, gently pulling her hand away. "Fine, I'll _try_ not to be nervous."

"Good," he said with a smile. "Now, as I was saying, I'm glad to see how well you're doing. In fact, I was telling Nathan how happy I am about it."

Her brow furrowed. "Even though you'd given orders against a rescue?"

"Yes, of course. Contrary to popular belief, I have a heart." He sighed. "I don't want to see _anyone_ dying. The order... Well, it was nothing against you, nor was it actually an order against a rescue. It was an order not to try a rescue mission during the storm. The orders the military gives are for everyone's best interest. Sometimes, that best interest means making sacrifices and doing things we don't particularly like. That day, my only thought was ensuring the rest of the crew stayed in one piece. Not that I wanted to leave you, knowing what could have happened, but my hands were tied. The brass... They never would have supported a rescue mission as dangerous as it was. Still, I'm glad Nathan didn't listen to me after all."

"You...you are?"

"Of course. Don't get me wrong, I don't like to think about what could have happened to him or the others who volunteered. But the fact of the matter remains that you were found, and you're here to talk about it...and while Nathan wound up in medbay himself, he's fine now. Not only that, the brass doesn't know what really happened...nor will they ever know."

"Why, Admiral, lying to the brass? I fear I've been a bad influence on you," she said with a click of her tongue.

He laughed. "See? You make jokes like that and think I hate you?" He shook his head. "Never. I could never hate the woman my best friend is in love with. And, please, call me Bill."

Her jaw dropped open. "W-what did you say?"

"You heard me," he told her, taking her hand again and giving it a squeeze. "When Nathan lost Carol... Well, you know what happened. I never thought I'd see him step foot off that island, let alone find love again. You obviously didn't pull him off the island, but you've certainly had a hand in keeping him off."

"But, I... He hasn't... We're not..."

He shook his head. "I'm not blind, Kristin. I see the way his eyes light up when he talks about you. I saw how broken up he was when you were lost in the storm. I saw how passionate he was that he find you. Not that I don't think he'd have left _anyone_ out in that storm, regardless of the who... However, I think he was far more determined to find you because of his feelings towards you." He paused. "And whether you care to admit it or not, I can see the feelings are mutual."

She bit her bottom lip, lowering her gaze. "Admiral..." She cleared her throat. "I...I mean, Bill, I'm not sure what you think, but I'd never do anything to jeopardize my position."

"Kristin, you can stop worrying. I'm not here to lecture you about that either. That's another thing the brass doesn't need to know about. You two are responsible adults. I'm happy for the two of you, and I'm just glad it's finally happened."

"But...but it hasn't happened. I mean..." She ran a hand through her hair. "We've barely spoken about it. I don't even know if it will happen." She sighed, eyeing him carefully. "How long have you known?"

"I suspected it a few months ago," he admitted. "I only just got confirmation of it with this situation. But it doesn't really matter, does it? Like I said, I didn't come here to yell at you for it. I came here to let you know I support it...and to let you know you don't need to worry about the brass."

She felt her cheeks go warm and looked down at her hands. "I...I'm really not sure what to say..."

"You don't have to say anything. I know you two are close, and I'm glad of that. You've been so good for him...you, and the rest of the crew. Just keep taking care of him. Anything that keeps him from going back to that damn island of his is a godsend. Even if you two never act on your feelings, I'm just glad you've given him something to care about again."

She felt tears prick at the corners of her eyes. "You're going to make me cry..."

He moved to get her the box of tissues from the counter. "I'm not trying to, but it's true."

"I never really knew you cared," she said, dabbing at her eyes with a tissue. "I'm sorry for misjudging you."

He waved a hand. "I might have done the same with you a time or two, but...I think it's high time we actually try to be friends, especially if we're both going to be a part of Nathan's life. What do you say?"

She stood and carefully put her arms around him. "If there's one thing I've learned through all this, it's that life is too short to let people slip through our fingers. Of course, I'm willing if you are."

He returned the hug. "I'm glad to hear it. I'm sorry I waited as long as I did."

She waved a hand. "We can't dwell on the past. We can only look to the future."

"And change it, we will," Bill replied.

_-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_

By late afternoon, Wendy was finally off duty. She stopped in sea deck to find colorful balloons and streamers everywhere. Lucas and Cynthia had done an amazing job, and she couldn't wait to tell them. First, though, she had to find Kristin. She'd felt bad she hadn't gotten a free moment to see her beforehand. Though they really hadn't discussed a time, Wendy had promised she'd stop by today.

Well, it was still today, but it was later than she'd intended, since it was shortly after 1700 hours already. She only hoped she was in her room. As she passed by the mess, she saw she wasn't in there, which she decided was a good thing. She hurried to her room and knocked.

She smiled when Kristin opened the door. "Wendy, hello. I was just about to head to the mess. Did you want to join me?"

"We can definitely do that, but I wanted to speak with you first, if it's all right?"

Kristin stepped aside and let her pass. "Of course."

"First, how are you feeling today? I feel bad I couldn't come visit you earlier."

"I'm better...much better than I was, and you shouldn't feel bad. You are doing my job, after all."

Wendy sighed. "Well, be that as it may, I didn't want you to think I'd abandoned you...after last night, I mean. Maybe we should discuss a schedule as far as therapy is concerned later, but for now, I thought we could work on what we discussed last night. You still want to go through with it, don't you?"

Kristin nodded. "I think it would help me in the long run, but to be honest, I haven't even thought of how we were going to arrange it..."

"I hope you don't mind, but I sort of did," Wendy told her.

"What?"

Wendy held up her hands. "The others don't know what it's for. It's just a little party. I thought I was the best way to get everyone together without betraying your trust. You're not upset, are you?"

"Upset?" Kristin asked. "How could I be upset. It's an excellent idea, but...I haven't prepared exactly what I'm going to say..."

"I know, and I wanted to see tell you this hours ago, but...we could discuss it over dinner?"

"I'd appreciate that. How much time do we have?"

"About forty minutes," Wendy replied. "You work well under pressure, don't you?"

Kristin ran a shaky hand through her hair. "Um..."

"It'll be all right," Wendy said, putting an arm around her shoulders. "Remember I told you I'd be there with you if you needed me. I won't leave you alone."

_-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_

Forty-five minutes later, the party was under way.

"Where's the guest of honor?" Kristin heard Ben call.

"Just...just a moment," Kristin called back. After the initial greetings, she'd headed to her office for a bit of alone time. Oh, she was grateful Wendy had thrown it all together, and it was a great way for everyone to blow off a little steam after all the tension over the past several days, but she needed a minute to collect her thoughts. She took several deep breaths. _You haven't lost your strength. You can do this,_ she thought, trying to muster up the courage to say what she needed.

"Here you are."

She turned to see Wendy. "Sorry, I just... I needed a minute."

"I heard," the younger woman replied, blushing slightly.

"Sorry, I guess my mind's a bit loud right now." She sighed. "You think I wouldn't be so nervous to talk to people I've known for so long."

Wendy put a comforting hand on her arm. "I promise you'll feel better once you get this over with. Um...do you want me to go out there with you?"

She nodded. "I think it would help, but...I want to speak to them on my own. I...I can do this, right?"

"Of course, you can," Wendy said, giving her shoulder a squeeze. "Just take a deep breath. You'll be fine."

Kristin nodded, doing as she said when Ben appeared in the doorway. "Are you coming, Doc? Everyone's waiting for you."

"Sorry, let's go."

As soon as she entered sea deck again, everyone clapped for her. Kristin gave a nervous way. "Thank you all so much. This is lovely."

"Well, you deserve it, Doc," Katie said. "And to show you how happy we are everything worked out, we got you a little something." She walked around to the other side of the moon pool and pulled out a basket wrapped in clear cellophane secured with a red bow. "This is from all of us," she said, handing it to her.

"Oh, you...you didn't need to get me anything. Some of you... You've already given me presents. You didn't need..."

"Just open it, Doc," Ben told her. "It's to help cheer you up." She set the basket down on the refreshment table in the corner and pulled off the cellophane.

As she rifled through the basket, she found it had been stuffed to the brim: there were lavender candles and lotion, a book of inspirational stories, a book of crossword puzzles, playing cards, and finally a framed photo of all of them. "Oh, this...this is lovely. Thank you."

"What do you say we break out those cards and play a little poker?" Ben suggested. "It's been a while since we've played, and it is a party..."

Kristin felt tears sting her eyes. She tried to force them back, but with all eyes on her, she knew they were noticed.

Lucas gave Ben's arm a smack. "Good job, you made her cry."

Wendy, Katie, and Cynthia were at her side in a moment.

"Mom? What's wrong?" Cynthia said, putting an arm around her mother's shoulders.

"I...I just don't..." She took a shaky breath, turning to Ben. "It's not your fault. The gifts... They're all wonderful. This is all wonderful. It's just...sometimes, I don't understand how you can all be so kind to me after everything that's happened. I...I just don't see how I deserve it."

"Oh, Doc, how can you say that?" Katie asked with a shake of her head.

"Yeah," Ben agreed. "You've done so much for all of us in the past."

"Why wouldn't we return the favor?" Tim asked.

Kristin sighed. "Well...I put you all through hell...and then I wasn't very open about what happened afterwards... I've lied and said I was fine when I wasn't. I haven't been a very good person through all of this. What...what I'm trying to say is that I am so very sorry about it, and I'm hoping you can all forgive me." She felt an arm go around her shoulders and looked to see Nathan. She offered him a small smile despite her quivering chin.

"Doc, we...we're all guilty of withholding information concerning certain aspects of our lives," Chief Crocker pointed out.

"But...that still doesn't make it right," she said quietly, her voice thick with emotion. "I've hurt all of you."

"You've more than made up for it, though," Tim replied.

"And you were already forgiven long before you asked," Miguel said.

"That's what you do with family," Ben added. "You forgive their shortcomings because you love them. You never had to ask, you know."

Kristin gave a nod, but she felt her throat tighten as a sob threatened to escape. She covered her mouth with her hand in order to stifle it, but to no avail.

"Oh, Kristin," Nathan muttered, wrapping his arms around her. "Shh. It's going to be all right."

Kristin nodded against his shoulder and did her best to calm down. After a few moments, she pulled away and wiped at her eyes with her hands. "I...I'm sorry," she said. "I...I appreciate the gifts, but I appreciate all of you more. I don't know what I did to deserve all of you."

"We feel the same way about you, Doc," Ben said. "Now how about some poker?"


	23. So Hold Me

As the night drew to a close, Nathan smiled softly to himself. Several hands of poker and good conversation had made things seem like old times again. Even Bill had enjoyed himself; though he'd said he was here for a casual visit, Nathan had had his doubts. Though the two of them were friends, it had been years since he'd seen the man let loose. Most of their encounters now were military-related; he'd forgotten how fun he could be when he wasn't taking care of business.

Though he hadn't much of a chance to speak with her one on one, Nathan could tell Kristin had had a good time as well. It had been a long time since he'd seen her smile and laugh as much as she had tonight. He stole a glance at her. She was on the other side of the moon pool, speaking with Cynthia, Katie, and Dr. Smith. He wanted to speak with her himself, but he'd have to wait his turn.

He turned to lean up against the wall when Bill approached him.

"I haven't had so much fun in a long time, Nathan," he said. "I know I give you a hard time, but you have a good crew here. You've obviously done something right."

"I'll remember that next time you're lecturing about something they've done," Nathan said with a grin. He couldn't stop his gaze from wandering back towards Kristin, however.

"I think this was something she needed, too," Bill pointed out, nodding his head in Kristin's direction. "I can tell she'll make it though this, though.. The rest of the crew treats her well, and she's got you."

"I'm sure you're right," Nathan said with a nod. "I never asked you how things went with her. Did you two have a nice talk?"

"We did, indeed," Bill replied, giving his shoulder a squeeze. "She's a good woman, Nathan. Remember that."

A brow rose as he turned to look at him. "Of course she is, but... What exactly do you mean?"

Bill shrugged. "I just thought you needed a reminder."

Nathan paused to think for a moment. "Just what _did_ you two talk about?"

"I think I'll let her tell you," he said with a smile. "Goodnight, Nathan."

"Goodnight," he replied, feeling more confused than ever. Since when did Bill and Kristin have secrets together?

_-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_

"I can't thank you enough for arranging this, Wendy," Kristin told her. "I didn't know how much I needed it until it happened."

Wendy waved a hand. "It was no trouble at all. I'm sorry to have to run, but if I don't sleep soon, I won't be able to get up in the morning."

Kristin gave her a hug. "Of course, dear. I'll see you tomorrow."

"And we'll discuss a therapy schedule then," Wendy promised. "Goodnight."

"I suppose I should do the same thing," Katie said. "I need to be on the bridge early in the morning."

"I hope we didn't keep you up too late," Kristin said.

"Not at all," Katie told her, pulling Kristin into a hug. "Goodnight, Doc. See you tomorrow."

"Tomorrow," Kristin said as she left before turning to Cynthia. "I should thank you, too."

"It's the least I could do. I'm glad to see you're starting to feel better."

She nodded quietly. "Well, all of you are helping."

"I should probably say goodnight, too." Cynthia nodded to the other side of the moon pool. "It looks like someone else wants to speak with you."

Kristin followed her gaze to see Nathan leaning up against the wall on sea deck's far end.

"He can't keep his eyes off of you," her daughter pointed out. "I wish you two would get a room already."

Kristin felt her cheeks go warm. "You know, you're not too old to put over my knee."

Cynthia laughed, giving her mother a kiss on the cheek. "You know you love me, though...and you can't scold me for saying something that's true. I don't know what you're dragging your feet for anyway." She shrugged. "Goodnight...and have fun. I love you."

"I love you, too, dear. Goodnight." She sighed as she watched her go before turning and risking a look at Nathan again. Cynthia was right; he couldn't keep his eyes off of her. She blushed again, but she made no attempt to approach him; Nathan stayed put as well. She couldn't help but notice the irony in that. She knew full well he had feelings for her, and so did she. Yet they both stayed in their comfortable corners, both of them too afraid to leave that comfort, neither of them wanting to act on their feelings.

Lucas, Bill, and Cynthia were right. It was about time they finally stepped out of those corners. It was about time _someone_ make the first move. Nathan had said he'd needed time, and she'd been willing to give it to him, but... If she left it all up to him, she wasn't sure _when_ he would be ready. She suddenly realized she was no longer content just waiting. Life was way too fragile and short to keep waiting...to keep what she wanted to say all to herself. She decided she had to be the first one to come out of her corner. Still, she wasn't going to approach him. Not yet. She was going to make him come to her.

She turned back to him and waved, giving him a smile.

He waved back and returned the smile, yet he still made no attempt to move, as she suspected.

She moved to the side of the moon pool and leaned over. Darwin came swimming up to her. "Hello, there. I know it's been a long time since I've seen you. I'm sorry I didn't come visit earlier."

Darwin nuzzled into her touch, giving a few soft clicks and nodding his head.

"I know," she muttered. "We haven't had much time together, but that will change soon enough. I'm getting better little by little."

"You certainly are."

She turned to him, smiling softly. That had worked faster than she'd thought it would.

He moved to stand beside her, leaning over to pet Darwin. "Some night, huh?"

"Indeed," she replied, moving to lean on the side of the pool again. "It was so kind of you all to do this. I couldn't have asked for anything more. It was so...refreshing to just have a bit of fun and not worry about anything else for a change."

"I'm glad to hear you're feeling better...and Darwin seems happy, too." As if to prove his point, Darwin began swimming in circles before doing a leap into the air.

Kristin laughed. "I think I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel."

"I'm so happy to hear you say that." He stood and offered his arm. "Would you like me to walk you back to your room?"

"I appreciate the offer, but I'm not ready to turn in just yet. I've spent a lot of time in there. I'd like to get reacquainted with the rest of the boat," she said with a light laugh.

"Oh, all right then," he said. "Uh, I suppose I'll just leave you be..." He turned to leave.

She caught his arm, and he turned back to her. "I didn't mean you had to leave...unless you're tired, of course. I was hoping we could talk a bit, though..."

"I'm always here for you." He looked around. "Are you comfortable in here or...?"

"Here is fine," she replied. She lowered her gaze, staring into the water and taking a deep breath. "Nathan, you...you don't know this, but I'd told myself a long time ago I couldn't fall in love with anyone." She shut her eyes, afraid she was going to scare him off again, worried he'd run back to his corner and not come out again. When she didn't hear any departing footsteps, she finally risked a peek. She was relieved to see he was still standing there, his eyes fixed on her, a look of concern on his face. "I...I know you said we wouldn't talk about this yet, but...I think I need to, if you don't mind?"

He nodded quietly, putting a hand over hers. "Maybe you're right." He paused. "That's a rather serious ultimatum, you know...and a rather difficult one to adhere to."

She shrugged. "Well, I'd done a fairly good job of it for quite a while." She took a shaky breath. "Cynthia's father… I'd never expected he and I would ever get divorced. I suppose when you walk down the aisle, you never think it will fall apart. When I'd taken my wedding vows, I'd meant them. I'd taken them seriously, and I truly believed in better or for worse. He, on the other hand? Well, he had told me divorce wasn't in his vocabulary. I would have liked to have said the same thing, but... Well, it's just a shame it was  _infidelity_ that hadn't been in his vocabulary instead."

"Kristin, you don't need-"

She put up a hand. "Yes, Nathan, I do. We...we need to talk about this."

"All right..." he said with a sigh.

"Certainly, I've had other relationships since my divorce. I…I'm human; I have needs. But they weren't… I think I purposely searched for men who I knew weren't ready for a long-term commitment. Those men...they were safe. My heart didn't get broken that way... I was protecting myself. After a while, though, I grew tired of it all. I didn't see the point of it anymore, so I just swore off men altogether. And...then I met you." She looked into his eyes. "I've never had a man seem to care as deeply as you did...as you do. Even when we were happy, Cynthia's father never… He never treated me the way you do. I…I wasn't used to that; I'm still getting used to it..." she said with a shrug. "But you were safe, too. I'd broken my rule, but I couldn't tell you that. As upset as I was about you not being able to speak to me about...you know...part of me was relieved, too. I could keep playing it safe, and I was happy."

"Kristin, you never... I never expected you to hide your feelings."

She shrugged. "I know, but...I'd told myself it really didn't matter how I felt. I knew you were grieving. You're still grieving, so I wasn't going to press the issue. But I think the universe has other plans." She shook her head. "You were able to tell my soul how you felt once... And I've been getting signs all over the place about us...and maybe... Maybe it's time I...we...admit a few things right now, hm?"

"That isn't true...that your feelings don't matter, I mean. How could you think that?"

"Nathan, I... Well, up until today, I hadn't realized a relationship between us wouldn't be viewed as fraternization. You know that's why Bill came to see me?"

"Oh, it's Bill now, is it?" he asked in surprise. "I hadn't realized you two had become so close so fast."

"Apparently you're out of the loop a bit," she said, giving him a smile. "Bill, Lucas, Cynthia...and probably the rest of the boat wants to see us together. Didn't you know?" She sighed. "I feel like we've been the last to know something they'd all known the entire time." She felt her cheeks grow warm again. "Nathan, I...I don't want to force you into anything you don't want, but I don't think you can stand there and tell me I'm wrong...that you don't feel something for me."

"N-no, of course I do. I just..."

"We need to stop treating love like it's a battlefield," she told him. "It's not a war. I understand taking it slowly, but... _Why?_ Why are we dragging our feet? Why are we so afraid?"

He turned looked down into the water. "I think you know the answer to that."

She sighed, putting her hand over his. "If we keep trying to protect ourselves from getting hurt, we'll never know if we're meant to be together."

He remained motionless and refused to meet her eyes.

She pulled away, afraid her words were falling on deaf ears. She felt tears spring to her eyes, but she wasn't going to stand here and make him pity her. Maybe she'd been too ambitious. Perhaps she was ready, but she couldn't seem to pull him out of his corner after all. "Maybe... Maybe you don't feel the same way," she said, her voice barely above a whisper.

He finally looked at her. "N-no, I do. I just... I thought we were going to wait until you were better?"

She shrugged. "I should think after everything, we'd both understand life is just too short to waste. I don't want to waste any more time, Nathan. I'm not saying we have to jump in feet first, but... I know what I want, Nathan. I want you. I've wanted you from day one. I love you, and I'm not going to let fear get in the way of me saying it anymore." She paused, taking a shaky breath as a few tears finally slipped out. "I...I know you might not be ready, and I don't want to lose your friendship either, but I'm asking you... Take a chance, Nathan. I know you love me. Show me. Don't let your fear speak for you."

Nathan put his arms around her, placing a hand to her cheek and brushing her tears away. "I've already taken that chance, long before I was willing to admit it. Kristin, I have loved you from the moment we first met. After Carol... Well, I never expected to fall for another woman, but life tends to have other plans for us when we least expect it. We'll go as slow or as fast as you like, but know I don't ever want to lose you. I love seeing your smiling face every day of my life. On the days when our paths don't meet, I feel sad, empty. What happened with you... It was horrible, but it was a wake-up call for both of us."

"A sign from the universe," she said softly. "Carol had told me that."

"I think she told us some of the same things," he said with a nod.

"She...she gave me her blessing, too, you know," she said, letting out a soft cry, unable to hold it back. "She...she'd told me that I'm exactly the person she'd choose for you..."

He pulled her close. "I know, she mentioned the same thing to me." He rubbed her back gently. "Shh, don't cry, Kris. I don't want this conversation to be a sad one."

"They're happy tears mostly," she replied as another sob escaped. "I think everything's just starting to catch up with me." She gently pulled away and wiped at her eyes with her hands. "There's one more thing I think you should know... I know we haven't really discussed this in detail, but you know Carol's been visiting me."

"You mentioned..."

She nodded. "What she and I speak about... I'm not sure I'll ever tell you everything, and that's because... Well, it's between her and me, but... I know you love her...will _always_ love her, and I understand it. Though it's not quite the same thing, I still have love for Cynthia's father...not a romantic love, mind you, but... He's the father of my child. If I had no love for him, I couldn't love her the way I do..."

"Kris, there's enough room in my heart for both of you. I hope you understand that."

"Of course, I do," she replied, putting up her hands. "I just wanted you to know I love her, too."

His jaw dropped. "You...you do?"

"Obviously, not the way you do, but..." She ran a hand through her hair. "I've come to realize that part of the reason I am where I am... How far I've come in getting through this...trauma, as everyone calls it... Well, it's because of her. She has shown me so much love and compassion, has given me so much help and encouragement. How could I not love her, Nathan?"

He wrapped her in his arms again. "Oh, Kristin... That...that makes me very happy to hear. Not saying we need to do it now, but...maybe in the future, we could talk about that a bit more? I'd love to hear it."

She nodded into his shoulder. "I'd like that. So, about us...what are we going to do about it?"

"Well, first...may I kiss you?" he asked.

"You have no idea how much I want you to," she told him.

He kindly obliged, pressing his lips to hers, and they shared a long, passionate kiss.

"Second," he said when they'd both caught their breath again, "well, what is it you want?"

"That depends on you," she said with a shrug.

He laughed softly. "That isn't what I asked you." He took his finger and tapped gently on her chest where her heart would be. "What is it you, _Kristin_ , feel right now?"

She took a breath. "I...I don't know. I..."

"Kristin."

She sighed. "All right. I suppose it would be wonderful if we could pursue our feelings. I mean, we just shared a kiss, and it was lovely, but... I'd like a little more than that..." She put up her hands. "And I...I don't mean sex. That's..." She felt a rush of warmth to her cheeks. "Well, that's something for the future, but...um..." She wrung her hands together, now feeling flustered.

Nathan's solution was to kiss her again. "Does that help?" he asked quietly when he broke it.

She smiled softly. "Well, it helped me relax." She took a deep breath. "I don't want to lose our friendship, though."

"You don't need to worry about that. I don't think you could ever get rid of me that easily."

"That's good to know," she said with a nod. "But what about you? What is it _you_ want, Nathan Bridger?"

"I want the same thing you do," he told her, taking her hand and kissing the top of it. "I think it's time we pursue our feelings a bit more...but we'll keep it out of the bedroom for now. I'm perfectly fine with taking it slow."

"You...you're not just saying that?"

A brow rose. "You think I'd lie to you?"

She shrugged. "Well, no… I do trust you. I just wanted to make sure you weren't telling me what you thought I wanted to hear. I know you want me to be happy, and I love that about you, but I also hope you're being honest."

"Oh, Kristin, of course I am." He paused. "Do you want to know what I think of you?"

She just looked at him for a moment, mouth agape. "I…"

"I'm going to tell you anyway," he said without waiting for an answer. "When I first met you... Well, you remember that day, I'm sure."

"I was giving Jonathan a piece of my mind," she said with a nod.

"Yes, and then you thought nothing of giving me a bit of attitude either," he pointed out.

"You laughed at me. I had to defend myself, and I didn't know who you were then. I changed my tone when I found out, though."

"I know; I'm just using that as an example. It's in the past, over and done with. I'm not asking for an explanation or an apology." He raised a warning finger. "I knew then you were stubborn as hell, that you liked to portray this image of being tough-as-nails."

"Yes, well, I wasn't about to let Commander Ford or anyone else to push me around. It…it wasn't easy trying to get others to take me seriously."

"But you're so much more than that."

"I am?"

"You're acting as though this is news to you," he said with a smile. "You... You're extremely intelligent, possibly more than you give yourself credit for. And maybe you're not as tough as you want others to think you are."

"But…"

"Shh," he said gently. "Please, just listen. That doesn't mean you're not strong, however. Far from it; you are possibly one of the strongest people I know. We share a lot of the same interests; we think the same way a lot of the time, and if you don't mind me saying so, you're very beautiful, inside and out."

She blushed hotly. "Nathan…"

"We don't have to change our relationship...not the way you're thinking. Let's just take things day by day. How does that sound?"

"I think that's something I can live with," she replied.

"Good. For now, we live in the moment; we handle the task at hand, and first on that list is you getting well again...completely."

"Yes, _Father_ ," she teased gently, a smile tugging at the corners of her mouth.

"Oh, is that the game you want to play?" he replied with a laugh. "You know, I could get Joshua to extend your leave for longer."

"You wouldn't."

"Don't tempt me," he said, his eyes twinkling.

They both shared a laugh before Kristin laid her head on his shoulder. "Did I ever tell you how grateful I am for you?"

"You might have mentioned it once or twice."

She gave his arm a gentle push. "I don't know how I'll ever repay you for everything you've done for me."

"Just say we'll always keep in touch, and that's payment enough," he told her.

"I don't plan on going anywhere."

He put his arm around her shoulders. "I meant in the future; after the tour, things could change. People move on; that's how it works..."

She nodded. "Well, that's a long time from now. I promise you, though, we'll keep in touch, no matter what happens."

"Good, that's what I wanted to hear. I know I was dragging my feet before, but...I'm glad we finally had this talk."

She smiled. "I am, too. I feel like a weight has been lifted off. I feel...satisfied. I just feel energized."

"I'm glad to hear it, but I hope you're not planning on running a marathon. You are still healing," he warned gently.

She sighed. "I wasn't planning on it. You don't need to worry about me, you know."

"Kristin, I will _always_ worry about you; I worry about everyone on this boat. I think it comes with the territory. I feel responsible."

"Thank you for being so concerned, but I don't want you adding another responsibility to your list. For now, everything is fine, and I hope it stays that way, at least for a while."

"Just don't jinx it," he replied. "But you're right; I certainly hope it stays that way, at least for a little while. We definitely do not need to find any more storms."

She smiled softly. "Well, perhaps we'll have to send Mother Nature a memo."

"In big, bold letters," he agreed. He paused for a moment and took a small, flat box out of his uniform shirt pocket. It was wrapped in lavender paper with a flower pattern on it with a white ribbon tied into a neat bow. "I hope you don't mind, but I thought I should keep this between us." He handed to her. "It's not much, but I knew you would like it."

"Oh, Nathan," she breathed. "I certainly didn't expect you to get me anything. You've done enough for me already."

"I wanted to. Just open it, please?"

She carefully untied the ribbon and tore off the wrapping paper. It was a leather-bound book, the title embossed in gold lettering: _T_ _he Poetry of William Butler Yeats. "_ This is really very thoughtful of you. Thank you."

"Open it to page forty-seven."

Kristin did so and there, Nathan had placed a bookmark with a dolphin painted on it in an ocean scene, and there was the poem _Sailing to Byzantium_.

"I'd figured...with everything that perhaps the poem might be even more special to you now."

She nodded. "Very much so. I see why it's special to you as well. We've all made our own spiritual journeys." She moved the bookmark and set it on the edge of the moon pool. " _Once out of nature I shall never take; my bodily form from any natural thing; but such a form as Grecian goldsmiths make; of hammered gold and gold enameling; to keep a drowsy Emperor awake; or set upon a golden bough to sing; to lords and ladies of Byzantium; of what is past, or passing, or to come_." She looked up at him. "The human soul is quite complex."

"Indeed. But I'm not quite like Yeats. I don't want to be revered."

"I didn't think you did, but that's not the point. The point of the poem is that the soul lives on. Certainly, not everyone believes that, but..." She patted his leg. "You and I know better."

"So you like the gift?"

"Very much so. I'll cherish it." She brought a hand to his cheek. "I love you so much."

"I love you, too," he told her, kissing her gently again. "Maybe...maybe I should walk you to your room now?"

She nodding, giving him a smile. "As long as we can keep talking."

"Whatever you want, Kris," he said, offering his arm.


	24. Whisper Gently

When they reached her room, Kristin turned to Nathan. "Would you like to come inside?"

"You're not tired?"

She shook her head. "But of course, if you're tired, it's all right. I can find something to occupy my time..."

"Of course I'll keep you company. Not working has spoiled me. I don't need to go to bed early so I can be on the bridge at the crack of dawn. I'm trying to enjoy it while it lasts."

"I can imagine," she replied, opening the door and pulling him behind her. "And thank you; I didn't really feel like being alone." She nodded her head towards the kitchenette. "Would you like some tea?"

"Only if you're having some," he replied. "But why don't you let me help you?"

She laughed softly. "I think I can handle heating water in the microwave. I'm not broken, remember?"

"I...I know, but..." He reached over her shoulder, grabbed his own cup out of the cupboard and filled it with water. "Neither am I. I don't want you waiting on me. If we're going to start dating, we go 50/50."

Her brow furrowed in question. "So that means I can never get you a cup of tea?"

"No...that just means I want to make sure you know we're equal. I don't want either one of us thinking we have more power than the other."

"That's very gallant of you," she replied, taking the cup from him and placing it in the microwave alongside hers and turning it on, "but I'm sure you'll agree that there should be give as well as take. I make you tea now, and you can do something for me next time..." She paused. "Of course, you've already done so much for me, so I certainly think I'm the one who needs to pay you back."

"I've already told you there's no need for that. We shouldn't feel indebted to each other," he said, placing a soft kiss to her lips. "I suppose we do have a lot to talk about, though."

She nodded as she felt a rush of heat to her cheeks. "Though if you keep doing that, we won't be doing much talking..." As the microwave dinged, she gently removed his hands from her waist and moved to take care of it. "I'll bet you never expected to have to go through this again."

"The dating thing?"

She nodded as she placed a teabag in each cup.

"Well, not exactly...at our age, it's not something you really plan."

She nodded her head towards the table as she moved to sit down, and Nathan followed her. She set his cup in front of him and then had seat. "It makes me feel like I'm back in school again, hoping that cute boy from my chemistry class would ask me to wear his ring."

"I hope I'm cuter than he was," Nathan said with a grin before taking a sip of his tea. "It's good, thank you."

"You're quite welcome." She put her hand over his. "And you are much cuter than he was. I can't even remember his name because he never did ask me to wear his ring after all. It was just silly schoolgirl crush. I think you'll agree that this..." She motioned between the two of them. "Is much more than that."

"Of course," he replied, "but..."

"It feels terribly awkward, doesn't it?"

"A little," he said sheepishly.

She sighed, taking a sip of her tea. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be; we both know this needed to happen." He paused. "Besides, we'll get through the awkwardness together. It's just you and me; we've never had trouble talking before."

"I know."

An uncomfortable silence fell over them as they quietly drank their tea. Nathan finally broke it. "If you don't mind me saying, that boy from your chemistry class was a fool. In fact, any man who'd ever let you slip through their fingers is a fool."

"I appreciate the thought but...I hope you realize I'm not perfect. Some of them probably had very good reasons for letting me slip through their fingers, as you put it."

He looked into her eyes. "Kristin, I _know_ you're not perfect."

She shot him a slight glare. "There had better be a _but_ coming."

"There is... _But_ neither am I, and you know it. And, still, we love each other anyway." He shrugged. "I'm not sure why you'd think otherwise. You're not suddenly worried about what's happened in your past, are you?"

She lowered her gaze. "I don't know...maybe." She sighed. "I just don't want you thinking I'm perfect, because I'm far from it. You already know how we argue."

"Yeah, we fight like an old married couple," he said with a grin. "But that doesn't mean I want anything to change, like I'd said." He took her hand in his and gave it a squeeze. "One day at a time, remember? And wasn't there someone who'd said the past should _stay_ in the past?"

She blushed. "Carol did tell me I needed to start taking my own advice..."

"She's right," he replied, "we _both_ should." He sighed. "I wish I could-" He stopped short, moving to stand. "Hold that thought. I'll be right back."

A brow rose. "Where are you going?"

He kissed her gently. "It's a surprise, but I won't be long, I promise. You can trust me." And with that, he left the room, leaving a baffled Kristin behind.

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He felt slightly guilty, for he was sure Kristin was worried he might not return, and he could see the doubt and questions in her eyes. If she didn't know it by now, though, he was a very traditional sort of man.

That meant if they were going to start this journey, he wanted to give her a symbol of his love: his Naval Academy ring. No, he hadn't worn it for years; in fact, he wasn't quite sure why he'd even brought it with him, but as he glanced towards the photo of Carol on the shelf, he knew the answer: memories. She'd been the last one to wear the ring, since he'd given it to her as well.

"You...you won't mind, will you?" he asked, though he already knew the answer. Carol had said he wouldn't need her anymore, and with Kristin becoming more involved in his life, he now started to truly see the meaning to that. He gave her a nod and moved to the desk, rifling through the bottom drawer. After a few minutes, he retrieved the small, black velvet box. He looked inside to ensure the ring was safely inside and then quickly headed back to Kristin's room.

_-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_

When he returned, he'd noticed she'd taken the liberty of cleaning the tea mugs away. She was at the sink washing them. "Worried I wasn't coming back?" he asked.

She simply shrugged. "I wasn't sure. Are you...are you angry with me?" she asked quietly.

"Oh, Kristin, no...of course not." He took her hand and led her back to the table. "Have a seat, please."

She eyed him warily for a moment before doing as he'd asked.

He got down on one knee before her, taking her hand in his. "I'm sorry if I'd scared you, but I...I suspected you're still having some doubts... And I can't say I don't understand it. I know it's easier said than done to leave the past in the past...and I know you've been hurt way too much."

She shifted uncomfortably in her chair. "Nathan, I... You don't need to-"

"Shh, yes, I do. Just listen, please." He gave her hand a kiss and continued, "I know you love me; you've already told me how you felt, but that doesn't mean you don't have your doubts. I'm not one of those men, Kristin. I won't...I'd never hurt you." He took the box out of his pocket. "And to show you, I thought I'd give you this. It's...it's not much, but I wanted to ask you if you'll wear it."

"Oh, Nathan," she breathed, tears springing to her eyes. "You didn't... I didn't expect..."

"I know, sweetheart, I know, but..." He opened the box and held it out to her. "Would you wear my ring?"

"Yes, Nathan, I will," she replied, slipping it on her finger and kissing him passionately. "I...I'm not sure what else to say except thank you."

"How about say you'll trust me. Try to forget about the past, okay?"

She nodded. "I will, I promise. I do love you."

"And I, you." He motioned to her hand. "I know it's a little large..."

She waved a hand. "I can fix that, if it's all right." She moved to her dresser where her jewelry box sat on top of it. She opened it and retrieved a gold chain. She removed the ring and slipped it on the chain, holding it out to him. "Would you like to do the honors?"

"I'd love to," he told her, fastening the chain around her neck. "Now that I remember it, Carol did the same thing."

"You have it to Carol, too?" she asked softly.

"Yes... Is that all right? I don't want you to-"

She turned and kissed him again. "No, it's perfectly all right. It's like I have a piece of both of you here." She paused. "Could...could I ask you something?"

"Of course, Kris...anything."

She took his hand and led him to the bed. "I know we both agreed that sex is something that will wait, but..." She bit her bottom lip. "I was hoping you'd stay here with me until I fall asleep." She held up her hands. "Just to talk. I..." She ran a nervous hand through her hair. "I'm not sure why, but I don't want to be alone just yet."

He pulled her close to him. "I feel the same way. I just think I'm not ready to say goodnight to you yet." He kissed her forehead. "Of course I'll stay with you for as long as you need."

_-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_

Nathan lay on his back with Kristin in his arms. They'd decided to play a casual trivia game to help relax her. She stifled a yawn. "You're sure you're not ready to call it quits for the night?"

She shook her head. "If that's your way of getting me to forfeit so you win, never. I'm two points ahead of you...and I'm not tired yet."

He laughed softly. "No, that's not my way of trying to win. Even if you wanted to stop, you'd beat me fair and square. But all right, we'll have it your way." He thought for a second. "Oh, I've got one. How many bones are in a giraffe's neck?"

She lifted her head off his chest and gave him a look. "Might I remind you that my expertise is in the ocean...as is yours? Why in the world did you throw a question like that in there?"

"I'm full of useless knowledge, and we never agreed to keep it all ocean-related," he said with a shrug. "Though I think that's your way of saying you don't know it..."

"No, I didn't say that; I'm just surprised, that's all," she replied, getting back into her original position. "Um..."

"Ten seconds."

"Stop the clock." She looked at him again, giving him a pout. "Can I have a small hint?"

"You're two points ahead and you expect me to give you a hint?"

She sighed, laying her head back down. "Fine. Well, there are seven bones in the human neck, so giraffes must have...more?"

"You're asking me? Or is that your answer?" he asked with a grin.

"Twenty-two," she said.

"Sorry, that's the wrong answer. Believe it or not, it's seven as well."

"Hmm, all right, but I'm still ahead."

He raised a finger. "Only temporarily. Do your worst."

"Oh, I will," she said, flashing him a smile. "Since we don't need to keep it in the ocean...what is the scientific name for a rabbit's tail?"

He gave her a look. "Who in the world knows that?"

"I do," she said, giving his arm a playful push. "Do you give up?"

"No..." He thought for a second. "But I don't know the answer either." He gave her a pout. "Do I get a hint?"

She laughed softly, placing a hand to his cheek. "Well, you are rather cute when you do that, and since I'm ahead..." She yawned again. "It's a four-letter word beginning with 's'."

He thought for a bit longer. "As much as I appreciate the hint, that doesn't bring me any closer to getting the answer. I give."

"It's a scut," she muttered, her eyes half-closed as she patted his chest. "Your turn."

"You're sure you want to keep going? We could call it a night..."

"No, I'm not tired yet," she said, stifling another yawn. "Promise."

"Fine..." He thought for a minute. "Okay, a poker-related question for you. What card is known as The Curse of Scotland?"

"Mmm..."

"Take your time," he told her. "It's not quite as hard as it seems."

Kristin didn't answer, though.

"Are you still thinking?" he asked after a few seconds.

His only answer was a light snore.

He looked down at her, smiling softly. "We'll continue this in the morning." Only it was then that he realized he was in a bit of a conundrum. She was lying on top of him, and he was afraid that if he moved, he'd wake her up. After a bit of thinking, he opted against doing so. It wouldn't be the first time he'd slept in his regular clothes. He reached up to the wall and turned down the lights and then carefully pulled the comforter and tucked it around them before placing a kiss to her forehead. "Sleep well, Kristin." He fell asleep shortly thereafter.

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_"Well, look at you, taking the bull by the horns. Are you **sure** you need me?" _

_Kristin turned to see Carol. Once again, they were on Nathan's island beach. She offered her a smile that quickly faded. "But I'm sure you saw what happened afterwards..."_

_Carol put an arm around her shoulders. "Still, a week ago, you wouldn't have even dreamed of doing what you'd just did. I am very proud of you...and of course you're going to be a little afraid. It's something new. New things are always a bit scary... But with time, that fear will fade as well." She moved her hand to the ring hanging on the chain around Kristin's neck. "I remember this... I'm glad he gave it to you."_

_Kristin moved her hand to it. "You're sure you don't mind? I realize I'm not the first one..."_

_The blonde waved a hand. "Of course not. It looks good on you. You have that glow."_

_"Glow?"_

_"The glow of a woman in love...the glow of a woman who no longer has to hide that love. You have made so many leaps and bounds lately..."_

_"Only because of **you** ...reminding me I still have strength and confidence," Kristin replied. "You were right. Things are slowly getting better." _

_Carol nodded before turning towards the water. "You'll be back to work before you know it."_

_There was a long moment of silence, and though she wasn't sure how she knew, Kristin had an inkling she knew what this visit was about. She carefully moved to stand beside her. "You've come to tell me this is the last time, haven't you?"_

_"I've been given another assignment," she said quietly. "I... You don't need me anymore, and I think you know that now, don't you?"_

_"As difficult as it is to admit, you...you're right. I... Whether it's you or the universe...I've been blessed with so many people who love and care about me. They're all helping me along, and I appreciate it so much." She wrapped her arms around Carol. "But it doesn't make it any easier to say goodbye to you," she said, her voice trembling as her eyes welled up with tears._

_"Oh, sweetheart, I know," Carol replied, returning the hug._

_Kristin was surprised to hear Carol sob softly. "Is...is there something else?" she asked through her tears._

_Carol pulled back and smoothed Kristin's hair over her shoulder. "Oh, no, dear. I...I just didn't realize how much I'd miss you myself." She sighed. "My only regret is that we didn't know one another when I was alive."_

_"I would have liked that," Kristin replied, "though I don't think you'd have liked me much, considering..." She motioned to the ring at the base of her throat._

_Carol laughed softly. "Just don't ever forget how strong you really are, Kristin, and no matter what happens in your life, remember there are people in this world who will always love and care about you."_

_"I will," she replied, a hand rising to her mouth to stifle the sob that threatened to escape. "I...I love you."_

_"I love you, too, honey," she said, wrapping her in her arms once again. "You...you take good care of Nathan for me."_

_"I promise," she said quietly, a cry escaping her throat. "Will I... Will I ever see you again?"_

_"I'll come visit you soon." She kissed her cheek and pulled back to look at her. "But no more tears, okay? You...you have no reason to cry. You are going to have a long, wonderful life, Kristin. Go and live it, and don't be afraid." She gave her a gentle push and pointed her to the far end of the beach where are a light could be seen. "Just follow the light; that will lead you home."_

_She turned back to her, only to find she'd already disappeared. She sighed and wiped the stray tears from her cheeks. "Thank you for everything, Carol." She then turned to follow the light._

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_"Nathan Bridger?"_

_Nathan found himself standing in the middle of the room. "How did I-?" He stopped short when he saw a familiar-looking young man. "James?"_

_He grinned and held out his hand to shake. "Sorry to have to have pulled you away from her..." He nodded his head towards the bed, where Kristin lay fast asleep. "But under the circumstances, I thought you wouldn't mind if I spoke with you. I...I wanted to meet the man who stole my baby sister's heart. Nice to meet you...in person, finally."_

_"Likewise." Then, realizing what he'd just said, he shook his head. "Um, I mean..."_

_James waved a hand. "No need to get flustered. I understand. Before I worry you anymore, maybe I should tell you I already know a lot about you. I...I'm friends with Carol."_

_A brow rose. "Oh, I see..."_

_He gave Nathan a gentle pat on the back. "I want you to know I'm not here to lecture you. Quite the opposite. I want to thank you."_

_"Thank me?" Nathan repeated. "I haven't done anything..."_

_"You're humble, too," James said. "If it weren't for you... Well, my baby sister wouldn't be where she is now. You saved her life, and so much more. You've helped her through this tragedy, and...you're still helping her. I can see how much you love her."_

_"I'd never hurt her, James," he said quietly._

_"I know that, too. I really can't thank you enough."_

_"There's nothing to thank me for," Nathan replied. "It's your sister who makes it so easy."_

_He smiled. "There are going to be days she tests you, though. She might try to push you away. I know she says she trusts you, but... Old habits die hard. She's been betrayed many times before."_

_"I'd already suspected. She's only mentioned her ex-husband, but I'm assuming there were others?"_

_James gave a nod. "And she blames herself, though she won't admit it to you. I can't promise it might not come out later, though. Don't get me wrong. I can tell you're a good man, and in her heart, Kristin knows it, too. But doubts may come to call in the future."_

_"I'll do my best to dispel them," Nathan assured him. "I'm in this for the long haul. Unless she's the one who calls it off, I'm not leaving her."_

_"I'm going to hold you to that, Bridger. Though even if that happened-"_

_"I won't give up on her," he said confidently. "Unless she truly falls out of love with me... And I know you can't necessarily tell me what will or won't happen between us, but I'm going to guess there are several outcomes."_

_"Carol schooled you well," he said with a light laugh before becoming serious. "Though one thing will remain a constant: she will always love you, no matter what she says. Her doubts might get in the way of that, though."_

_He nodded. "I'll handle it. I'll take care of her, and I won't give up on her."_

_"Good. That's what I was hoping you'd say. And for the record, you are exactly the type of man I'd choose for her. It...it hasn't been easy to watch her get hurt time and time again. I'm glad you finally showed up when you did."_

_"So am I," he replied. "I never imagined when Bill pulled me off my island what was waiting for me."_

_He gave Nathan's shoulder a squeeze. "I hope she makes you happy."_

_"You don't need to worry about that. She already has."_

_"I'm glad to have met you, Nathan." He gave him a gentle push back towards the bed. "Well, I had promised I wouldn't keep you from her long. Hold her close and never let her go."_

_"I don't plan on it," he told him._

_-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_

The next morning, Lucas headed to the mess hall for breakfast. He'd had such a good time at the party the night before, he was hoping to eat with the captain and the doctor. He'd tried paging them via his PAL, but neither of them had answered.

When he got there, he quickly scanned the tables but didn't see them.

"Lucas!" Ben called, waving him over. He was sitting with Katie and Cynthia. "Get yourself something and have a seat."

The young man got in line and grabbed a breakfast sandwich. "Have you guys seen the captain and doc this morning?" he asked as he sat.

"And good morning to you, too. What are we, chopped liver?" Ben asked.

"Sorry," Lucas said sheepishly. "You guys are great. I was just hoping to have breakfast with them. I tried the PAL, but neither of them answered."

Cynthia shook her head. "I haven't seen either of them. Last I saw them was last night, though who knows what happened after we left?" she said with a grin.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Lucas asked.

Katie rolled her eyes. "Oh, come on, Lucas. We've talked about this before. You know those two have a thing for each other." She elbowed Cynthia. "So do you think they finally took the top off the cookie jar?"

"Well, I did tell her she wasn't getting any younger," Cynthia replied. She looked around the mess hall. "Though my mother isn't normally late for meals, is she?"

"She's usually up pretty early," Lucas agreed. "The captain, too."

Katie shrugged. "Maybe they ate before any of us." She paused and placed a hand over Lucas'. "You're not suddenly worried about them, are you? I thought you wanted to see them together as much as the rest of us?"

"I do," he insisted. "I just wanted to eat breakfast with them."

"How about when we're finished, we all go look?" Cynthia suggested. "I'm sure they can't be far. The boat isn't that big."

_-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_

As Kristin stirred, she realized she wasn't alone. "Mmm, I'm not ready to get up yet," she muttered, snuggling in closer to Nathan.

"Neither am I," he muttered. "I'm sorry I didn't leave, but-"

"Don't apologize," she replied. "I'm glad you stayed. It's been so long since... Well, I'm sure you know."

"I do...and I'm not complaining either. You-"

A sudden knock caused them both to jump.

"Mom, are you in there?"

"Is everything all right, Doc?"

Suddenly, the door burst open, and Cynthia, Ben, Katie, and Lucas appeared in the doorway, all wearing shocked expressions on their faces.

"Oh, my God!" Cynthia exclaimed, a hand over her mouth. "I... We are so sorry. We didn't realize..."

Kristin and Nathan both scrambled out of bed.

"There's no reason to be sorry. Nothing happened, and we _are_ dressed," Kristin said, but her face was on fire. "Though I have to wonder why you're invading my privacy."

"Well, Lucas had said he couldn't reach either of you on your PAL units..." Ben said, trying not to look at either of them.

"We thought there might be something wrong," Katie added. "But, um, obviously not. Oh, look at the time. I...I better head to the bridge. Um, congratulations, you two." She gave a salute before leaving the room.

"Uh, maybe...maybe I'd better go see if she needs help," Ben said. "But my sentiments are the same. Congratulations."

Kristin groaned. "Well, now that the cat's out of the bag..." She turned to Cynthia. "Will anyone _else_ be joining us?"

Cynthia laughed. "I could call the admiral in here if you'd like."

Kristin crossed her arms over her chest, shooting her daughter a glare.

Cynthia's smile faded. "I'll be good, but Ben and Katie are right. We're all happy for you, even _if_ nothing happened, as you say. Aren't we, Lucas?"

Lucas didn't offer a reply. He simply gave a nod before quickly retreating from the room.

Kristin bit her bottom lip, turning to Nathan. "Oh, dear. Do you think we've upset him?"

Nathan put an arm around her shoulders. "I think I'd better find out. Excuse me."


	25. That There's Nothing To Fear

Cynthia shook her head. "Actually, I think I should go, if you don't mind."

Nathan turned back to her. "Are you sure? When he gets like this, he's not always forthcoming about things..."

She placed a hand on his arm. "Yeah, I'm sure. He might find it easier to speak with someone closer to his age." She shrugged. "Besides, I've been where he is before, so to speak. If I don't make any headway, I'll come back. You two...just relax. Have some breakfast or something." She gave Kristin a kiss on the cheek and whispered, "Don't worry about a thing." She then left the room, shutting the door behind her.

Once in the corridor, she looked down one end and then the other. She bit her bottom lip, not exactly sure where Lucas had gone. Though she'd been on the boat for a few days, she didn't know every nook and cranny the way he did, and she hadn't access to a PAL unit. Still, it seemed the most logical option to check his room and go from there.

She walked to the end of the corridor, turned the corner, and walked to Lucas' cabin door. She took a deep breath and knocked. "Lucas? Are you in there?"

Lucas opened the door a second later, much to her relief. "Hey," he said quietly, his brow furrowing in question. "What's up?"

"I, um...I noticed how quickly you left back there, and I...I wanted to be sure you were all right."

"Uh, yeah, I'm fine, thanks. I just... I had some things I needed to take care of. I'm kind of busy, so if there's nothing else..."

Cynthia craned her neck to look over his shoulder. On the computer screen was some sort of video game sitting on pause. She narrowed her eyes. "Because playing video games is _such_ time-consuming work."

"What's it to you?" he asked, crossing his arms over his chest.

Cynthia sighed. "I'm sorry." She'd promised her mother and the captain she'd help Lucas feel better, and she wasn't off to a very good start. "I wasn't trying to judge, but I was wondering if I could come in for a little bit? Maybe you could show me the game you're playing...please?"

A brow rose. "You really came to my room to play video games with me?"

"Sure, why not?" she asked with a shrug. "You probably wouldn't know this, but I used to be a gamer girl in my younger days. Maybe I could show you some of my moves?" She gave him a wink. "Please?"

He smiled softly, stepping aside to let her pass. "Fine, I guess I could use some company. Have a seat." He motioned to a chair on the other side of the room.

Cynthia did so and nodded towards the screen. "So, what are you playing?"

"It's called _Zombie Hunters 8: The Revenge_."

"The other sequels weren't revenge enough?" she teased.

"I guess not," he said with a laugh, taking a seat next to her and handing her a game remote. "It's pretty straightforward. Kill the zombies and don't let them near you...or you're toast. Are you sure you can keep up?"

"Of course I can. Sounds easy enough." She gave his arm a playful push. "But I think you should be asking if _you_ can keep up with _me_."

A brow rose. "That sounds like a challenge. Want to make a bet?"

Cynthia's lips formed into a satisfied smile. "Fine, but I don't like stealing money, especially from minors. How about we play for information instead?"

"Information?" he repeated. "What is it you want to know?"

She reached into her jeans pocket and pulled out a twenty dollar bill. "Well, if you win, you'll get the twenty because I'm an adult and don't mind a friendly bet once in a while. If I win, though, I don't want your money. You have to answer anything I want honestly, got it?"

"Wait, why can't I ask you anything if I win?" he asked.

She shrugged. "You can if you want. I just didn't think you'd be interested; I don't have any secrets anyway. I figured cash was more your style." She waved the twenty in front of him. "But if you're not interested, I'll gladly put it away." She reached for her wallet when Lucas placed a halting hand on her wrist.

"Well, I didn't say I didn't like money. I could always use an extra twenty." He eyed her carefully. "Although I think you're lying about that secrets thing."

She laid the twenty on the desk between them. "And why would you think that?"

"Because _everyone_ has secrets," he said matter-of-factly, placing a finger to his chin in thought. "But since I'm not sure where yours lie, I guess I'll take the cash." He took the twenty off the desk. "In fact, I could just save you the trouble and take it now, since I know I'll win."

She placed a hand on his wrist. "Ah, ah, ah, you're not getting off so easily. If we're going to bet, we play fair and square. First one to get zombified loses, got it?"

He dropped the money back on the desk. "Fine, got it, but you're only setting yourself up for disappointment. Don't say I didn't warn you."

"That cocky attitude might have you eating crow, you know." She held out her hand. "But to make it official, we shake on it."

He took her hand and gave it a shake. "Fine, you got yourself a deal." He hit a button, unpausing the game. "Of course, to be fair, I'll start a new game with two players."

After they'd chosen their characters, the game was under way, and Cynthia managed to stay alive, kill several zombies, and protect Lucas' character from several attacks as well.

"Okay, this seriously cannot be your first time playing this game," Lucas said after a few minutes. "You act like you've played this before. You didn't trick me, did you?"

"What did you say the name of this game was again?" she asked.

" _Zombie Hunters 8: The Revenge._ "

She shook her head. "I can honestly say I have never played this game before. Oh, look out!" She hit a few buttons and was able to protect Lucas' character from being attacked by a zombie once again.

"You keep doing that, and you're going to make me feel bad. I haven't been able to-" He was able to shoot a zombie right behind Cynthia's character. "Oh, never mind. I was going to say I haven't been able to help you once, but there." He hit pause and turned to her. "But is it really much of a bet if we keep helping each other?"

"Well, I wanted to give you a fighting chance. I thought you said you were _good_ at games?"

"I am," he insisted, "but this game has only been out for a few months, and I haven't had much time to practice."

"Fine, from now on, we fight for ourselves. No protecting the other person, deal?"

"Deal. That means this should be over in about three minutes," he said with a wink. "I just hope I don't make you cry."

She rolled her eyes. "Let's just get this over with."

Their characters fought off zombies for several minutes until they reached the next level.

"This level has twice the zombies," Lucas told her. "I actually haven't been able to beat it yet. Maybe today will be my lucky day."

"Well, may the best man or woman win," Cynthia replied.

As the game level began, however, Lucas' character was bombarded by a horde of zombies. Though he tried to get away, a message appeared the screen: _Oh, no, Player 1! You have been turned into a zombie. Try again?_

Lucas groaned and set his remote down. "All right, guess it's not my lucky day."

"Guess that means it's time for me to collect my prize," Cynthia said with a smile, but she patted his arm gently. "But don't worry; I'll give you a chance for a rematch before I go back home."

"Thanks," he said dryly, turning off the game and then turning back to her. "So what is it you want to know?"

"Why'd you run off before?"

He lowered his gaze. "I...I'd already told you I had things to do."

"Yeah, playing video games was such a pressing task." She shook her head. "The deal was you were supposed to be honest." She put a hand on his cheek, urging him to look at her. "I know you and I might not be the best of friends, but it doesn't mean I don't want to make an effort. A stranger can see something's bothering you. You want to tell me what?"

He sighed. "It's...it's stupid. Ben and I...we'd already talked about this."

"Yeah, he mentioned..."

His brow furrowed. "He did?"

She waved a hand. "Please don't be upset. It's just the other night, he'd told Katie and me that you were a little worried about my mother and the captain getting closer, and he'd assured you everything would be all right. I don't think he was trying to betray your confidence exactly, but Katie had brought up how she was worried about how you'd take it if it happened. Ben just wanted to let us know everything was all right." She paused. "But everything isn't all right, is it?"

He stood, moving to lean up against the aqua tubes. "I just feel like an idiot. I...I'm almost seventeen years old. I know people fall in love all the time, and no one deserves it more than the captain and the doc. They deserve to be happy."

Cynthia moved to place a gentle hand on his back. "Lucas, you're not an idiot. It doesn't matter how old you are; emotions really don't know age. You're worried they'll forget about you?"

He shrugged, turning to face her again. "Kind of... I don't know exactly. It's just the moment we saw them like that... Well, you know they spent the night together, even if nothing happened, as they say. I don't really care if it did, but the point is... Well, there's no way they're going to want to spend any of their free time with me now. And why should they?" He sighed. "I decided I ought to get used to it now...not that I wasn't already kind of used to it by now. Not from them, but...well, you know my parents aren't exactly super involved with my life..."

She nodded quietly. "I know you haven't always had an easy time of things, Lucas, but... I can't exactly speak for my mother and the captain, but I know for a fact they both care about you very much..."

"I know they do, but now that they've finally announced how they feel about each other, they'll forget about me. That's how it works."

"What?"

"Well, it's been my experience," he explained. "My dad puts all his attention to his power plant, and my mother... Well, she focuses on her many suitors and trips to Aspen or somewhere. See, when I'm out of sight, I'm also out of mind. I guess I'm just easily forgettable."

"You're wrong," she said with a sigh. "Lucas, I am so sorry your parents are such jerks, but my mother and the captain... They're not them. They won't do that to you. And for the record, I don't think I'll ever forget you, and I just met you."

He gave her a small smile. "Well, that's nice of you to say, but sometimes, actions speak louder than words. No matter how much my parents say they love me, it's hard to see it when they hardly show it. So no matter how much the captain and the doc care, if they stop showing it... Well, you get the point."

"Okay, you might have a point...not that your parents don't love you, but it's hard to see it with the way they act. But again, I know my mother, and I...I've been getting to know the captain; they're not those kind of people. I'm surprised you'd doubt them."

Lucas shoved his hands in his pockets and moved to sit on his bunk. "I don't necessarily want to. It's just hard not to expect it, so I expect the worst. I don't get disappointed that way."

"While I can't argue with your defense mechanism," she replied, taking a seat next to him and putting an arm around his shoulders, "I do hope you learn that some people deserve the benefit of the doubt. It wasn't so long ago I was in your shoes."

A brow rose. "What do you mean?"

"Well, my parents are divorced, too, and I was pretty young when it happened," she told him. "For many years, it was just my mother and me. At some point, though, she'd made the choice to start dating again. Naturally, I didn't take too kindly to the idea."

"How old were you? When she started dating, I mean?"

She shrugged. "Eight or nine, maybe? Oh, but I made it difficult for her. At first, I pretended to suddenly get sick about an hour before she was about to leave. That worked...for a little while. Of course, when you have a mother that's a doctor, that only works for so long. I was then forced to come up with more drastic measures. I _accidentally_ spilled bleach on her new dress and I even let the air out of her tires."

"Wow...you were a terror," Lucas commented.

She laughed softly. "I kind of was, but I'm sure you can understand _why_ I did it. I was scared...just like you. No matter how much our parents love us, we still worry they'll forget about us. I know my mother and the captain aren't your biological parents, but we all know you consider them surrogate parents, in a way."

His face turned red. "I guess. Um, so...what happened? How'd you get over the fear?"

"Mom caught me messing with her car...though I suspect she had an inkling of what was already going on with me when she found her ruined dress days before that."

"Yikes, I'll bet you were in huge trouble."

"You know, I don't remember," Cynthia said with a shrug. "But I do remember she took me by the hand, led me inside, and sat me down. She said, "Cynnie, darling, I know you're scared and angry and confused, but I promise you, I will never love any man more than I love you. I will never, ever make you feel lost or forgotten, and if I do, you _need_ to tell me, and I'll fix it."

"Wow...so that made you feel better?" he asked after a minute.

"It must have because I don't remember feeling angry about her dating after that. It also helped that we had a mother and daughter night every week where we'd do something together, just the two of us. She always made sure I felt loved and not brushed aside." She patted his leg. "Lucas, again, I can't speak for the captain, but I'm sure my mother wouldn't forget about you, and I really don't think he would either...and if you're feeling apprehensive about the situation, you should talk to them about it."

He sighed. "But I'd already told the doc I was fine with it, which is exactly why I feel like such an idiot."

"You can't always control how you feel, and if you talk to them, they'll understand. Besides, they're probably very worried about you right now."

"You think?"

She gave him a look. "I know. If you talk with them, you'll feel better, I promise."

He thought for a moment. "Fine, I will. Thanks for the advice." He stood. "But we will be having that rematch soon. I guess I should commend you on your gaming skills. For being rusty, you're still pretty good."

She grinned. "Well, I have a small confession to make. I might have played all the _Zombie Hunters_ games...except for this one. I'm so busy now, I don't get any time to play anymore..."

Lucas looked thoughtful for a moment. "What is it you do for a living?"

She stood and took the twenty off his desk, stuffing it back into her wallet. "That wasn't exactly part of the bet," she said with a wink. "Let's just say that I work with kids, and it keeps me busy...too busy to play games, but sometimes, we need to give up the things we love to make a difference in this world." She turned to him. "So if I leave, you'll do what I suggested?"

"I promise. Thanks, Cynthia."

"Anytime, Lucas, anytime."

_-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_

"I don't understand what could be keeping them," Kristin muttered, wringing her hands together.

Nathan sighed. As soon as Cynthia had left, Kristin began pacing the floor, and he couldn't seem to get her to relax. He moved to her side in an attempt to try once again. "But Cynthia hasn't come back to call in reserves either," he pointed out. "Why don't you come have something to eat?" He motioned to the table. He'd gone to the mess hall and brought back some things he thought she'd like, but she hadn't touched a single bite.

"Eat? I can't possibly eat at a time like this." She shook her head. "I should have known this might happen. How could I be so stupid? How could I-"

"Kristin, this isn't your fault, and it's not mine either. We can't even be sure we know what the problem is...not until we hear it for ourselves. You need to try and relax." He tried to pull her into a hug, but she pushed him away.

"That's what got us into trouble in the first place." She shook her head. "As much as I love you, I'm not sure we-"

A gentle knock on the door cut her off.

"Hold that thought," Nathan said as he moved to answer it. Much to his relief, it was Lucas. "Hey, kiddo."

"Uh, hi," he replied, giving an awkward wave. "Is it all right if I come in? I was wondering if we could talk."

"Of course," Nathan replied, turning around and exchanging a glance with Kristin. The poor thing looked near tears, but she motioned for Lucas to sit. She sat across from him, and Nathan took the seat next to her.

"I'm sorry if we upset you," she said quietly. "I guess I didn't think-"

Lucas waved a hand. "It's not your fault, Doc. I'm not angry...at either of you. I...I'd told you I was happy for you, and I'd meant it. You two deserve to be happy. I hope you know that."

"I'm glad to hear you say that, kiddo," Nathan replied, "but the way you ran off before... What was that all about?"

He looked at the floor and licked his lips. "Yeah...about that... Well, I had said I wanted to see you two together, and I thought I did. I guess _actually_ seeing it, though... It was a bit of a shock. Not only that..." He took a shaky breath. "Well, I...I was a little scared." He met their gaze. "I'm still scared, and... Well, Cynthia came to talk to me, and she...she said it would be best if I spoke to both of you, so here I am. I'm scared you'll both forget about me."

"Oh, Lucas," Kristin said, moving to the other side of the table and putting her hands on his shoulders. "Do you really think we'd do that?"

He shrugged. "I don't think so, but... Past experience makes me afraid that it will."

She put her arms around him. "We are not your parents, Lucas. I wish you could see that."

"I...I do," he squeaked. "I just have a few doubts, and they're hard to shake. I know it's not exactly logical. I...I know in my heart you're not like that, but my head tells me I'm crazy...because of the things my parents have done to me." He shrugged. "I'm sorry, but I hope you can understand."

Nathan moved to the other side of the table and knelt before Lucas. "Oh, kiddo, of course we do. We're all afraid of things, and we don't always have a logical explanation as to why. Fear and logic don't always go hand in hand, but..." He paused, trying to think of the right words.

Kristin put her arms around Lucas' shoulders and placed a kiss to his cheek. "What the captain is trying to say is we promise we won't leave you in the dark. We may be spending more time alone together, but that doesn't mean we'll brush you aside."

"You mean it?"

"Of course she does," Nathan said with a nod. "In fact, I was thinking we should do something together at least once a week...starting tonight. How about dinner and a movie?"

"That...that sounds great," Lucas said. "But are you sure?"

"Of course we're sure, Lucas; we love you, and we don't ever want you to forget it," Kristin told him.

"I love you guys, too," he replied. "and I'm going to make _sure_ you don't forget that." He flashed them a grin. "In fact, I love you both so much, I'm going to let you have some much-needed alone time."

"Lucas, we were alone all morning," Nathan pointed out.

He put an arm around each one of them. "Yeah, I know, but you were rudely interrupted. Besides, once you're both back to work, you might not get as much of it. I say enjoy it while you can. I'll see you both around 1900 hours then?"

"Sounds good," Nathan told him. "See you later."

"Later," he said with a nod. "Have fun."

_-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_

Kristin laughed softly. "Well, that wasn't exactly what I expected."

"Me either," Nathan replied. "That went much easier than I thought it would. Whatever Cynthia said to him, we really need to remember to thank her." He gave her arm a push. "And you were so worried."

"For good reason, though." She gave him a peck on the cheek. "Now that I've found you, I don't want to let you go, and well...I was worried I'd have to."

He pulled her into his arms. "You act as though I'd have let you." He captured her lips with his own. "Lucas is right. We should spend as much time together as we can before things get back to normal."

She smiled softly. "Much as I'd love to spend the whole day with you, I'm supposed to go see Wendy...at some point. Though I'm on the road to recovery, I'm not completely healed yet..."

He nodded. "Well, will you at least sit down and have something to eat, please? Then I promise I can let you go for a little while."

"Well, when you put it that way, how can I refuse?" As he ushered her to the table, she turned to him. "By the way, that was very smart of you to suggest a movie night with Lucas."

"I was only taking a cue from you; you said you wanted a way to show him we're nothing like his parents, so I figured that was a good way to do it. Besides, you saved me a time or two back there, did you know?"

She shrugged. "Not until now, but...I guess we make a pretty good team."

He leaned over and kissed her again. "That, we do. Now, let's eat."


	26. You'll Always Be Near

After eating and telling Nathan she'd see him later, Kristin headed to the science labs to pay Wendy a visit. She'd felt a bit guilty she hadn't seen her at breakfast so they could actually arrange a therapy time. Even if she was too busy now, they could surely arrange something for later.

"Oh, Kristin, what a surprise," Wendy said, looking up from the microscope she was hovering over.

"I promise I won't stay too long. I'm sure you're busy, but you did say you wanted to discuss a regular therapy schedule...and I was busy all morning, so-"

"Yes, I heard," the younger woman replied, giving her a wink.

Kristin felt her face grow warm, and she let out a groan. "Oh, not you, too. Is _nothing_ private around here?"

Wendy laughed softly. "Please don't think anyone was gossiping about you. I just happened to run into a certain red-faced Lieutenant and Lieutenant Commander." She shrugged. "I'd already had an inkling of what was going on, but Katie pulled me aside to let me know."

"It hasn't been the easiest morning," Kristin said with a sigh. "It's getting better, and while I'm not sure about Katie, I don't know if I'll ever be able to convince Ben nothing sexual happened between the captain and me last night. We just fell asleep talking; it was all innocent."

"I really don't think anyone minds either way," Wendy said with a wave of her hand. "I know we've only known each other a few days, but from what the others say, you and the captain needed to take that leap a long time ago." She shrugged. "From the moment I met you both, I felt the love you two had right away, even if you wouldn't say it. I'm glad you finally have. It's not easy to carry that around and never share it."

Kristin nodded. "Thank you for that. I suppose my accident has put a few things into perspective... But we can always discuss that later. Um, when _would_ be a good time for you?" She placed a hand to her chest. "I'm obviously not running on a tight schedule, so whatever works for you is fine with me."

Wendy glanced around the lab. "Actually, I have time right now, if that's okay with you."

"Are you sure?" Kristin asked, nervously chewing on her bottom lip. Truthfully, she was hoping Wendy might say that; even if things were going seemingly well, she was having a little trouble getting a handle on all the emotions she was dealing with. "I don't want to put you out."

The younger woman sighed, putting an arm around her shoulders and leading her towards Kristin's office. "I'm sure. I can feel what you're feeling, and I know you need it."

"Thank you," she replied, nearly in tears...not from sadness but more from gratitude. She took a chair and sat with a slump. "It isn't that I'm not happy about everything. I am, really. It's just...I can't stop myself from worrying about the future..."

"You're worried about what it will be like when you actually go back to work," Wendy said. It wasn't a question but rather a correct observation.

"What do I do?" Kristin asked, her voice sounding so small, it frightened her. "One minute, it seems I'm making leaps and bounds, and the next, I want to run away and hide." She shook her head in disgust. "What the hell is wrong with me? After everything, you'd think I'd be able to just be happy that everything is okay now. But there's a part of me that isn't, and all I do is keep asking myself if I'll ever feel normal again." She put her head in her hands. "I sound like a crazy person, don't I?"

"No, you don't sound crazy at all," Wendy told her, kneeling before her and taking her hand in her own. "Everything you're feeling now...it's perfectly natural."

"Natural or not, I never used to be so worried about the future. What ifs and maybes were never a concern before, but since Alaska..." She trailed off, feeling a few tears sting her eyes. She blinked them back, though when she spoke again, she heard the slight tremor in her voice. "I don't want to keep being afraid. I've tried ignoring it, but I can't lie. I _am_ afraid."

Wendy pulled her into her arms. "And you have every right to be, sweetheart." She pulled back to look at her and brushed a stray curl behind her ear. "I hope you know I don't have a miracle cure for fear. I'm not going to be able to make you _stop_ feeling afraid. But what I can do is give you the tools to deal with it and help you overcome it. You see what I'm saying?"

She nodded quietly.

"Good," Wendy continued, gently releasing her and moving to lean against the desk. "But the first thing you need to do is stop putting so much pressure on yourself."

Her brow furrowed. "I'm not."

"Did you just hear yourself a minute ago? You're still angry with yourself." She held up a hand. "Don't get me wrong; you have come a long way, and you seem to have purged your initial guilt about the whale expedition...but you're upset with yourself for not feeling the way you'd expect, aren't you?"

Kristin shifted uncomfortably in her chair. "I guess I didn't realize..."

Wendy waved a hand. "Don't be upset with yourself for not immediately being aware of it. What we're going to work on today is going to help you be aware of what you're feeling, when, and why. When you feel the negative emotions, the worries, you'll be able to change your thinking and your negative emotions will be replaced with positive ones. So, as I said, you're putting far too much pressure on yourself. Thinking that you _should_ be feeling a certain way right now is only going to cause you to become disappointed time and time again. Instead, you need to be at peace with what you're feeling right now." She took out a notepad and a pen and handed them to Kristin. "We're going to work on identifying the triggers."

"Identifying the triggers?" she repeated. "What do you mean?"

"You're going to write down the things giving you the most worry right now, such as your fear."

Kristin stared down at the yellow legal pad in thought. _What are my triggers?_ Well, obviously fear was one, so she wrote that down. Unfortunately, she wasn't sure what to write after that. She rested her elbow on the arm of her chair and cradled her chin in her hand, casting a glance towards Wendy.

"Having a little trouble?"

She nodded. "I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be writing. I...I suppose _I'm_ my biggest trigger when all is said and done. Like you said, I'm putting too much pressure on myself. I just...I'm not sure how to separate and put it into words."

"You don't need to." She took the notepad from her and walked over to the dry erase board on the wall. "Why don't we try this instead?" At the top of the board, she wrote: _Triggers_. Then she wrote: _1\. You_. "Instead of breaking it into separate sections, why don't we just do it as a bit of an outline? Beneath the number one, she put: _a, b,_ and _c_. "It's the same thing, in a sense, but doing it this way might help you understand it a little more. Next to the letter a, she wrote: _Fear_. "So, do you think you can help identify b and c?" she asked, giving Kristin an expectant look.

Kristin shut her eyes for a moment. Wendy was right; the outline did help her look at it a bit differently. "Well, my emotions. I'm having trouble celebrating my tribulations because of all the trials still rampant in my life."

"Okay, good," Wendy said, writing it down next to the letter b. "One more."

She bit her bottom lip in thought. "Well, I guess it's not feeling in control. I'm worried and afraid about the future because I may not be able to control what happens."

Wendy wrote that down as well. "Excellent." She set the marker down and turned to her. "We'll only work with those three right now. We could do more later if you need, but your biggest ones are what needs the most attention." She paused, glancing back at the board. "Can you look at these and tell me what you see?"

"What I see?"

She smiled softly. "Take your time and venture a guess. There's no right or wrong answer."

Kristin looked at the board and read them all to herself again. "I don't... All my problems in one place?" she said quietly.

"Well, yes, but do you know what I see?" She pointed at the board. "I see unrealistic expectations, goals, and deadlines. That's exactly why you're having the trouble you're having now. You have this expectation of yourself... You think you should be feeling a certain way or you should be doing something within a certain time period." Wendy shook her head. "That's just not going to happen...not the way you want it to." She moved to stand behind Kristin, putting her hands on her shoulders. "We just need to retrain your brain a bit."

"All right..." Kristin replied, feeling a tad unsure about how the retraining process was going to go.

"It'll be rather painless, I promise," Wendy said with a light laugh. "Look at the board again, but this time, you're going to figure out how all these triggers are affecting your life, your relationships. You don't necessarily need to list them off to me, but you already know they're having some negative effects on things."

She nodded, turning around to face her. "But how do I fix it?" She motioned to the board. "You know as well as I do that none of these can be fixed overnight."

"No, you're right about that," Wendy replied, moving back to the board. "But how about we look at it a different way? Let me give you an example. What if I came to you, lamenting about how much I had to get done today? I have scores of experiments to work on, a stack of paperwork on the desk...oh, and at some point, I'm supposed to do rounds in medbay as well. I come to you crying, unsure of how I'll be able to get it all done. What would you tell me?"

"Well, I'd tell you to take a break," Kristin replied. "First off, Joshua could take some of that workload. The rounds would be the most important thing, but certainly, one of the other staff members could be enlisted to help with the paperwork and the experiments. Also, there's no deadline saying the experiments and the paperwork must be completed today. Surely, we could give some leeway..."

"That's exactly what I was hoping you'd say," Wendy said with a smile.

"Well, wouldn't anyone?"

"Probably, but that's not the point. The point is that if I were really stressed out over the workload, you'd give me compassion. In fact, you'd give anyone compassion in the same situation, wouldn't you?"

"Well, of course, but I-" A hand rose to her mouth in realization. "Oh..."

Wendy put a hand on her shoulder. "You figured it out, didn't you? You need to give yourself a little compassion. You're not a machine, Kristin. You're human, and you said it yourself: none of this healing will come overnight. You have made leaps and bounds in the healing process, but you still have a long way to go."

"Except...how do I start? How do I stop myself from thinking that way?"

Wendy motioned to the board. "You've already done part of it. You've identified your triggers. Now you need to tell yourself you are perfectly fine where you're at. And now that you're aware of your triggers, whenever you catch yourself feeling negatively, you can change your thinking. Instead of saying, "Well, I shouldn't feel worried or afraid," instead say, "You know, Kristin, it's okay to be afraid."

"So I need to work on self-acceptance?"

"Exactly. Not only that, do realize when you're with others, that's when you tend to be happiest? I noticed this last night at the party, and while you might not have spoken all your worries, I could feel how stressed you were. In fact, I've felt it a few times from you already. It's perfectly natural to let our minds wander when we don't have anyone to distract us, but being surrounded by those who care about you most tends to melt your stress away. That's probably why you were so happy last night...and this morning. You draw strength from those around you."

"So in other words, I should be spending more time with others?"

"In a sense, yes...but you also need to work on telling others when you're feeling emotionally weak. You haven't told the others how afraid you are, have you?"

"Not really, but...I don't see much point. Everything's fine now, so I should be-"

Wendy held up a finger. "That's what you're trying to stop yourself from doing, remember? Tell yourself it's okay to be afraid...out loud."

"It's okay to be afraid," she said weakly.

"I don't believe you, dear. I know you can do better than that."

Kristin took a deep breath. "It's okay to be afraid," she said again, her voice unwavering.

"Good. Now whether you feel your fear is logical or not...it doesn't matter. You know as well as I that emotions and logic don't go hand in hand."

Kristin nodded; wasn't that exactly what she and Nathan had told Lucas? "So I need to be more forthcoming..."

"It wouldn't hurt. I can feel everything you're carrying around...and it's _so_ much. I hurt just knowing what's going on inside you. I'm surprised your shoulders aren't collapsing." She moved to hug her again. "You don't _need_ to carry so much around with you. If you let some of that go, you'll feel so much better. The only way you can let it go is showing yourself some of that same compassion you'd show anyone else and letting your intimate contacts know what you're feeling. I've already told you I'll help you any way I can, but they can do the same thing. They might have ideas and tips for you...and in the end, it will help you heal."

Kristin felt on the verge of tears again. She'd never had anyone tell her she was carrying so much unnecessary baggage, but then she'd never met an empath before. She wiped at her eyes with the back of her hand. "Type A personality, I suppose..."

Wendy gave her a warm smile. "We all carry around things we shouldn't, but you need to let some it go. Give your shoulders a rest." She paused. "Do you think you can work on that?"

"I _will_ work on it," she said with nod. "Um, are...are we done for the day?"

She glanced at the clock. "Well, I have a little more time if you'd like to keep talking, but I think we've done a lot for the day. But how about we meet the same time every day? Mid-morning, 10 or 1100 hours then?"

"That should be perfect."

"Wonderful," she replied with a smile. "So, again, your homework is to give yourself some compassion and time. Throw out any expectations you have and share what you're feeling with others. Got it?'

"Got it." She moved to put her arms around Wendy. "I can't thank you enough. You really don't know how grateful I am that you've come into my life."

Wendy returned the hug. "Oh, I think I do. I can feel it...and the feeling is mutual. Now, go...and remember to have a little fun, too. Tell the captain I said hello."

Kristin smiled. "I will. If I don't see you later, tomorrow then."

"Tomorrow," Wendy said with a nod.

_-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_

As soon as she stepped onto sea deck, Kristin saw Nathan by the moon pool, talking with Darwin. She sighed. "You weren't waiting for me all this time, were you?"

"Contrary to what you might think, Darwin and I were having a very meaningful, philosophical conversation," he told her. "Isn't that right, Darwin?"

"Bridger mate Doctor Kristin," Darwin's voice sounded through the vocoder.

"I see you taught him all the basics," she said dryly.

Nathan's face immediately became red. "That's not what I told him." He leaned over towards Darwin and whispered something she couldn't quite make out. "Got it?"

Darwin nodded his head. "Bridger, Doctor Kristin mate."

Nathan scrubbed a hand across his face. "I'm sure he doesn't mean _mate_ like that. I think he's just saying-"

She placed a gentle hand on his arm. "I know what he's saying. I think it's sweet." She place a hand on his arm. "So are you finished with your meaningful, philosophical conversation?"

Darwin turned to swim away. "Darwin done. Bridger, Doctor Kristin, go."

Nathan laughed softly, turning the vocoder off. "Well, I guess we are." he put an arm around her shoulders. "Did everything go all right?"

She nodded. "It was very enlightening." She bit her bottom lip. "You didn't have any plans, did you?"

"Only to spend the day with you, remember?"

She smiled softly. "In that case, can we go back to my room?"

"Anything you want, Kris," he told her. He put an arm around her shoulders and ushered her out of sea deck.

_-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_

"Would you like some tea?" she asked once they were in her quarters.

"I thought we'd already talked about that," he said with a sigh.

She shook her head. "I'm having one, so it'd be no trouble. Would you like some or not?"

"All right," he relented. "I'll have some if you are."

She gave a nod and turned to the cabinet to do so.

As Nathan sat, however, he thought he saw her hands shaking. He then shook his head. He had to have been imagining it. A few minutes later, though, when she brought the tea to the table, he saw the worried look on her face, the way she chewed on her bottom lip. "Kris?" He couldn't mask his concern.

She sighed, wringing her hands together. "Sorry," she muttered. "Um, I need to talk with you. I...I'm obviously not going to tell you everything Wendy and I speak about, but there's one very important thing she told me I need to do." She took a deep breath. "I haven't exactly been honest with you." She held up her hands. "Please know it's not intentional. I...I haven't lied, but I haven't told you the truth either."

He stood and put an arm around her shoulders. "Kristin, what are you talking about?"

"Well, the truth is... I...I'm scared, Nathan. Right now, everything's seemingly fine. I feel safe and secure, but I can't stop the niggling feeling in the back of my mind. At some point, I'll be going back to work, and while part of me is thrilled about that, the other part is frightened. When a mission comes up, the thought of me having to leave this submarine scares the hell out of me. I know the odds of me having another accident are slim, but I...I just can't shake it, and I've tried to hide it. I've tried ignoring it, really, but..." She leaned her head against his shoulder. "Wendy says I shouldn't."

He gave her a tight hug. "She's right. I'm glad you've told me. I don't know why you thought you had to hide it."

"That goes along with the _other_ thing Wendy and I spoke about. Apparently, I spend far too much time berating myself." She shrugged. "Since my accident, I do find myself thinking I should be feeling or acting a certain way. I suppose I really didn't realize how much until she and I talked. I'm supposed to work on self-compassion and accepting where I am now. Anyway, I guess that's why...because I was trying to act a certain way and ignoring some of the things I was really feeling." She held up her hands. "Please know I am very happy with you, but...I've got some other conflicting emotions as well."

"Well, she's right about that, too," Nathan said. He nodded to the table. "You don't feel much like drinking tea, do you?"

"Am I that obvious?" she asked with a weak smile. "Do you mind if we lie down? I was hoping we could talk more..."

"Kris, of course we can. You never have to make up excuses with me."

She simply gave him a gentle smile and led him there.

_-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_

Nathan let out a contented sigh, giving the sleeping woman in his arms a gentle kiss on her forehead. They'd spent most of the day just talking. He listened to her fears, her worries, and he did his best to try to comfort her. In the end, all he could really do is promise he'd be there with her every step of the way, and that seemed to ease her mind.

Once he finally got her to relax, she started to drift off to sleep. He was glad she finally did...not because he didn't enjoy listening to her but because he knew she was still healing... Though she hadn't said much about it, she still had some physical injuries she was dealing with. Every once in a while, he'd notice her wince in pain when she moved too quickly, an unfortunate reminder that her ribs were still bruised. The nap would do her well.

While she slept, however, he spent his time reflecting; he thought about her and everything she'd told him. He'd thought about Carol and James, Lucas and Cynthia. He thought about Wendy and Joshua...and he even thought about Sam and Robert. And although some of his thoughts were painful, in the end, all he could feel was gratitude for each and every one of them. Even though he and Kristin both had to go through some horrible things, he was so grateful for where they'd ended up...and somehow, he was sure Kristin felt the same way.

He moved to pull her closer, but it caused her to stir. She stretched and her dark eyes fluttered open.

"Hi, there, sailor," she said with a small smile.

"Hello, yourself, gorgeous. Did you have a good nap?"

She nodded. "It was wonderful...especially since you were here." She stifled a yawn. "Did you get any sleep?"

He shook his head. "I wasn't tired, but I'm glad you did. Are you feeling better about everything?"

"Yes, thank you. It doesn't mean I won't need to talk about it more, though..."

"And I'll be here for you if you need it."

She kissed his cheek, patting his chest gently. "Well, I suppose we ought to freshen up and get ready for dinner."

"Of course. We can't keep Lucas waiting."

_-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_

After freshening up, Nathan and Kristin headed to his cabin. He'd arranged for the galley staff to bring them their dinner so they could have a quiet, intimate meal, just the three of them. Lucas knocked on Nathan's door at 1900 hours on the dot.

"Come in," Nathan called.

Lucas stepped through the door with a grin. "Hey, guys. How was your day?"

"It was just fine, thank you," Kristin said, moving to give him a kiss on the cheek. "Did you have fun?"

"Yeah, actually. Ben, Cynthia, Adam, and I spent the day playing video games. You never told me she was a gamer, Doc."

She shrugged. "Because I didn't know she still was."

"Once a gamer, always a gamer," Lucas replied. "Anyway, it was a blast, but I've been looking forward to this all day. So what's for dinner?"

"Pizza," Nathan said.

Lucas' brow rose. " _You_ got pizza down _here_? How?"

Nathan laughed. "You _have_ heard of homemade pizza, haven't you? Well, the galley staff made it anyway. Pizza is still your favorite, isn't it?"

"Well, yeah, upworld. But down here? I've never had pizza from the galley. I was always too afraid." He glanced at the pizza in the middle of the table. "Is this _government-regulated_ pizza going to taste like what we get in the real world?"

Nathan gave a roll of his eyes. "I forgot you were a pizza connoisseur, but just give it a chance, hm? I picked the menu with you in mind."

"And we have a side salad and bread sticks with marinara sauce, too," Kristin pointed out.

"Yeah, sorry," Lucas said with a smile. "You're right. I'm sure it's going to be delicious. Thanks, Captain."

"Well, how about we sit down and dig in?" Nathan suggested.

_-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_

Half an hour later, Lucas had eaten four slices as well as a salad and two bread sticks.

"I guess the pizza here is as good as what you get upworld, hm?" Kristin said with a grin. "Have you had enough?"

Lucas waved a hand. "Definitely. I never thought the galley could ever make anything good. Just don't tell Ben. I don't think he'd ever let me live it down."

Nathan laughed. "Your secret is safe with us. Well, now that dinner's over, I guess it's movie time."

"Awesome," Lucas said. "So do I get to pick?"

Nathan put an arm around his shoulders. "Actually, I was wondering how we'd go about that. However, since this will be a weekly tradition, I thought we'd take turns. But tonight, I thought we'd let the doctor choose."

"Oh? Okay..." Lucas said, but he couldn't mask his disappointment. "I guess it'll be some chick flick, though, huh?"

"Even if it is, you'll sit back and enjoy it, won't you?" Nathan said, giving him a look.

Kristin sighed. "If you're really that worried about it, you can choose, Lucas. I don't mind. Just...please, nothing to do with accidents on the water like _The Perfect Storm_ or _Pearl Harbor_." She shook her head. "I'm not quite in the mood for films like that yet."

"No, it's all right," he said. He knew these weekly dinners were for all three of them, not just him, and he had made a point to show the doctor he cared about her as much she cared about him. "The captain's right. You should get to choose this week."

She hesitated for a moment until Lucas gave her arm a gentle squeeze.

"I'm sure I'll love whatever you pick." He gave her an encouraging smile, which she returned, before walking over to Nathan's Blu-ray collection.

Several minutes later, she came back with a disk and placed it in the player. Then the three of them sat together on the sofa.

"So what did you pick?" Lucas asked. " _The Notebook_?"

Kristin made a face. "You know, just because I'm female doesn't mean I actually _like_ that movie. I really don't. It's too sad."

A moment later, the title came on the screen, and Lucas gave her a questioning look. " _Ninja Assassin_? Have you seen this before?"

"Of course I have," she replied. "Have you?"

The teen shook his head. "But I've heard about it. In the first part of the movie, this guy gets his head sli- Well, if you've seen it, then you know."

She nodded. "Of course I do, but there's a love story in this as well. It's beautiful, and while I know it's violent, it all adds to the plot. Besides, I do enjoy other things besides gushy love stories."

"Yeah, you're right, sorry." As he sat back to watch the movie, however, he had an inkling the doc picked it not just for her, but for him, too. He took her hand and his and gave it a squeeze, causing her to offer him a warm smile. He couldn't remember why he was so scared anymore, but the captain and doctor had been right; they wouldn't forget him ever.


	27. Although Life Can Be Rough

**Two weeks later**

In _seaQuest's_ launch bay, Cynthia turned to Nathan and her mother to say her goodbyes. "I almost wish I could stay longer. This has been one of the nicest vacations I've had in a long time."

"If you call worrying about _me_ a vacation," Kristin said flatly.

"I only worried for half of it," Cynthia said with a wry smile. "Besides, I've loved spending time with you. I've forgotten what it was like."

"So did I," Kristin replied, "but you're a big girl, and you don't need to worry about your mother anymore. I'm not a china doll, you know."

"Of course she does," Nathan replied, putting an arm around her shoulders. "We can all see that."

Cynthia nodded. "You've made so much progress, and we're all very proud of you."

Kristin felt her cheeks grow warm. "Well, I've still got miles to go. I-"

Chief Crocker stuck his head through the door of the launch, cutting her off. "Sorry to interrupt, but we're ready any time you are, Ms. Westphalen."

"Thank you, Chief," Cynthia told him before turning back to them. "Well, I guess this is it."

Kristin pulled her into a tight hug. "Just take care of yourself."

"I should say the same to you," Cynthia replied, returning the embrace. "I'll miss you."

"I'll miss you more," Kristin said, her voice shaking slightly before breaking the hug and combing her fingers through her daughter's hair. "But I'll miss you _less_ if you remember to call me once in a while."

Cynthia smiled. "I promise." She pulled Kristin into another hug. "I'm going to tell you what you used to tell me. Make me proud, but stay out of trouble."

When she pulled away, Kristin had tears in her eyes, and she wiped at them with her hands. "I'd nearly forgotten about that."

"I didn't," Cynthia replied. "Why did you stop saying it?"

"Because you made me proud a long time ago...and you still do _every_ day," she said with a smile. "But if you'd like, I can tell you again."

Cynthia waved a hand. "No need. I will stay out of trouble... Or I'll just be sure not to tell you about if I find any trouble," she said, flashing her mother a grin and turning to Nathan, who pulled her into a hug. "Take care of her for me, Captain."

"You know I will," he told her, "but just try to take your own advice. Take care of yourself and stay out of trouble."

"I will, I promise," she said before pulling away. She reached for Kristin's hand and gave it a squeeze. "I promise I'll call you soon." She then blew her a kiss and disappeared through the launch door.

Nathan put an arm around Kristin's shoulders and placed a kiss to her temple. "I know it's not easy for you to see her go."

She nodded. "But we all knew her visit would have to end at some point. Besides, I think I'd have been more worried if she wanted to stay. As much as I love her, I know she needs to be out doing what she loves...even if I know she doesn't tell me every little thing she's up to."

"That's what kids do," Nathan pointed out. "I did it with my parents, and Bobby did it with me. I know Lucas does it with us, too." He shrugged. "She's only trying to protect you."

"I know," she replied, gently patting his chest. "I'm not angry. In fact, I'm not sure I want to know everything she's doing...just as long as she stays alive."

"I'm sure she feels the same way about you."

She sighed. "That's certainly the plan. Things are nearly back to normal around here. We've just sent our last guest home... Well, except for Dr. Smith, but she'll be here a while longer." She paused, her brow furrowing. "Which reminds me... Aren't you supposed to be on the bridge?"

"I'd told Commander Ford I'd be a little late, so don't worry." He glanced at his watch. "You're going to meet Wendy, aren't you?"

She nodded. "In fact, did she speak with you? She'd said she was going to speak with you about the staff meetings. Even though I'm off duty, she thinks it's a good idea I start attending the meetings again to ensure I'm not missing anything...and to help me get back into the swing of things."

He snapped his fingers. "That's right; she did mention something to me last night, and I think that's a fantastic idea. In fact, Dr. Smith called a meeting for later this afternoon. You should be there."

She bit her bottom lip. "Are you sure?"

"Why wouldn't I be? You're a part of this crew, just like the others. Besides, you don't know how boring those meetings are without you." He held out his arm to her. "Well, shall we, Doctor?"

She smiled. "Lead the way."

_-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_

As soon as Kristin walked into the science lab, Wendy offered her a smile, hoping the older woman didn't sense how nervous she really was. She had to commend her, though. Their therapy sessions had been going wonderfully, and Kristin had made excellent progress, for the most part. Unfortunately, Wendy hadn't been able to help Kristin get over her fear, and she felt like she was failing as a therapist because of that.

Even though Kristin hadn't really mentioned her fear as of late, Wendy could sense that it was still there. She didn't miss the way Kristin would visibly become uncomfortable when anyone would mention leaving the boat. In fact, their last few therapy sessions were designed to help Kristin come to terms with the fact her daughter would be leaving. She hadn't been upset over the fact Cynthia was leaving; it was more she was worried something might happen to her...an irrational fear exacerbated by her own trauma. Thank goodness they hadn't encountered any technical issues on the boat, or it might have sent the poor thing into cardiac arrest.

"Good morning," Wendy said, giving her a smile and eyeing her carefully. The older woman seemed to be in good spirits, so the last few sessions must have helped. "All set for today?"

"I think so," Kristin replied with a nod.

"Glad to hear it. Just give me a second." She turned to the nearby staff members and gave a few instructions before ushering her into the office. "I trust your daughter's departure went well?"

She nodded. "Oh, yes, thank you. Naturally, I'm a little sad to see her go, but she promised to make a point to call more." She wrung her hands together. "And I'm not worried like I was a few days ago."

"Good...and I'm sure she will make a point to call more," Wendy replied. "Anyone can see how close you two are, but I think this situation probably brought you two closer together. It brought this _whole_ crew closer together."

"Indeed," Kristin said, her cheeks turning pink. "Um, the captain said you spoke to him about the staff meeting..."

"I did, which is what our session will be about today. I think it's time to graduate you."

"Graduate me?" Kristin echoed with a shake of her head. "But I...I'm nowhere _near_ where I need to be. I only just-"

The young doctor put her hands up. "No, honey, that's not exactly what I meant. I meant it's time for you to take another step in your recovery. Maybe I should have phrased it better. Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you."

"It's all right," Kristin said with a sigh of relief. "So this step involves the meetings?"

"Somewhat, but I was thinking something a little bigger." She moved to sit on the edge of the desk, trying to ensure she chose her words carefully. "When I spoke with the captain, he...he mentioned the last mission to me."

Kristin's brow furrowed. "The pertussis breakout? I'm not sure I understand."

Wendy sighed. A few days prior, the _seaQuest_ had received a distress call from a nearby underwater colony with a pertussis breakout. They needed medical attention and supplies, so the captain, Dr. Levin, and a few others went to lend their services. Kristin was absolutely correct; the mission had nothing to do with her situation, but what happened just before the mission did. She offered her a gentle smile. "Do you remember saying goodbye to him?"

Her eyebrows knitted together. "Yes, of course...but I'm not sure how that pertains here. I followed him into launch bay, we said our goodbyes, and that was it."

"Ah, but that's where you're wrong," Wendy replied, raising a finger. "You're forgetting one tiny detail. He asked you to step inside the launch for a moment, didn't he?"

"Oh...yes, but I declined." She shook her head. "He wasn't upset about that, was he? He didn't mention anything to me..."

"No, nothing like that." She gave Kristin's shoulder a reassuring squeeze. "He only mentioned it in passing, and he wasn't upset. I don't think he realized there was a problem at all."

Kristin bit her bottom lip. "There...there's a problem because I didn't want to step onto the launch?"

"There might be," Wendy said with a shrug. "Why didn't you want to go inside?"

"Because I wasn't going anywhere, so I didn't see the need. I was worried I might hold them up, cause a delay... And time is of the essence in medical emergencies, as you well know."

She nodded. "Of course. You're sure there's no other reason, though?" Wendy knew full well what she was doing, and she could feel Kristin's anger rising just a touch. She turned from her and took a few deep breaths. She didn't particularly like having to play the opposing side, but if she was going to do her job and do it well, she had to be a bit harder on Kristin. Yes, she'd become her friend, but she was also her patient, and this was necessary to get Kristin back to where she needed to be. She turned back to her, crossing her arms over her chest. "I don't hear an answer."

"I just told you-" she began, the irritation clear in her voice before holding up a hand. "I...I need a few minutes, please."

Wendy watched as Kristin swallowed hard and shut her eyes. Again, she felt the slight stab of guilt over putting her in such a difficult position, but this was for her benefit. Or at least that's how she kept justifying it to herself.

Kristin sighed. "All right...well, maybe there's another reason? I don't know. I...I guess I'm a little wary of leaving the boat, but I don't think anyone can blame me for it."

"You're right. _No one_ blames you," Wendy told her, placing her hands on Kristin's shoulders. "But the longer you avoid it, the harder it's going to be when you need to do it.. It can't wait until I'm no longer here. What happens when your first mission comes up?"

"I hadn't thought that far ahead," she muttered, running a hand through her hair. "But like I said, I don't need to go anywhere right now..."

"That might be true, but you're going to have to take that leap at some point. You know as well as I do that _facing_ your fear is the only way to get over it. That's the point of the meeting: to organize a simulation mission. The captain thought it was a great way for the crew to brush up on their organization skills, and it's a way for you to face your fear."

"No," Kristin said with a shake of her head.

Wendy's eyebrows knitted together. "What do you mean no?"

"I mean _no_." She stood and began pacing. "I...I know I've come a long way from where I was, and I am so very grateful to you for helping me through, but... I've only gotten as far as I have because I'm safe. I'm not being thrown into harm's way right now...and that's exactly what caused my problems in the first place." She stopped, placing a hand to her chest. " _Why_ would I want to go back to that?"

"Oh, Kristin..." Wendy put an arm around her shoulders. "Just because you leave the comfort and safety of the boat doesn't mean you'll get hurt. You know that logically, don't you?"

Kristin nodded quietly.

"Certainly, you've left several times before and returned unscathed," Wendy pointed out.

"Yes...but I wasn't so lucky the last two times, as you know. I'm not sure I want to risk a third..."

"So you're never going to leave this boat again?" Wendy asked with a sigh.

"Well...no, but... I'm just not ready to do it yet." She shook her head. "Besides, I thought that part of this recovery was taking a step back?"

Wendy crossed her arms over her chest. "If not today, when?"

"I don't know..."

"Tomorrow?" she pressed. "Or the day after? Or the day after that?"

"I don't know," Kristin said again.

"What if Nathan, Cynthia, or Lucas needed you? Would you be able to leave to help them?"

"Of course I would. I wouldn't give it a second thought," she replied.

"Even if you were afraid?"

"I wouldn't-" She looked her in the eyes. "It it was a life or death situation, I'd put their needs before mine. I promise you that. You...you know I would...don't you?"

Wendy softened a bit. "Of course, I do, but... Well, let's say a rescue mission comes up tomorrow...another distress call. You don't know any of them personally, but you know that they need medical attention. Would you go?"

Kristin hesitated, biting her bottom lip. "I... Yes."

Wendy looked her over with a scrutinizing eye. "I don't believe you."

"But-"

"I think you'd ask Dr. Levin to go in your place," the younger doctor replied. "And knowing the captain, he wouldn't force you to go either."

"Of course he wouldn't because he can't. I'm not military," Kristin pointed out, crossing her arms over her chest. "Any missions I go on are voluntary. I go because I believe in the Hippocratic Oath, not because I'm some mindless, military robot. I...I really can't believe you're giving me the third degree. Weren't you the one who said I shouldn't rush my recovery in the first place?"

"I'm not trying to rush anything. Like everything else, it won't come overnight. But that doesn't mean we should save it until the last minute either."

Kristin didn't offer a reply. Instead, she turned towards the door. "Maybe... Maybe we should cut today short."

"We haven't even started," Wendy protested, moving to block her exit. She sighed. "Just please, give me five more minutes. Then if you don't feel comfortable, you can go. Deal?"

Kristin gave a nod and moved to sit back down. "Fine."

"I know we haven't talked about it much, but I know you're still afraid," Wendy said. "I can feel it, but I've avoided bringing it up...just as much as you have. Please know I don't blame you." She placed a hand to her chest. "I blame myself. I'm the one who's supposed to be helping you deal with your trauma when I've skirted around the biggest issue: your fear." She sighed. "The minute the captain mentioned your refusal to step onto the launch for a few minutes reminded me of it. Since then, I've been wracking my brain, trying to come up with a solution of how to help you get over the fear. I realize I was harsh, but it's only because I'm worried...and maybe because I feel like I've already screwed up. Therapy is a lot like medicine: there's no rule book. But how about this? If you can assure me that fear had nothing to do with the fact you didn't want to step onto the launch, I'll call the whole thing off."

Kristin stared at the floor. "It's not that I've tried to hide anything from you. I...I have been working on that forthcoming thing we spoke about."

Wendy moved to kneel in front of her. "Oh, Kristin, I know. I know you have, and I...I know better than anyone how much progress you've made already. I think pushing the fear issue aside was as much my fault. Like I said, I feel like I-"

"You haven't screwed anything up," Kristin said, placing a halting hand on her arm. "I guess I was so focused on everything else, I just thought... Well, I hoped it would go away on its own. That hasn't happened yet, though... And I... Well, I am terrified of leaving this boat. I'm terrified of anyone leaving. I know it's not logical and I know lightning, hurricanes, and snowstorms don't strike twice, but..." She sighed. "So a mission simulation, hm?"

"Are you saying you're agreeing?" Wendy asked, unable to stop the smile that tugged at the corners of her mouth.

"Well, you did say I wasn't always going to like what we did in our sessions. And you're right... If I keep avoiding it, it won't get any better. So...it's a yes."

Wendy threw her arms around her. "Oh, good. I'm happy to hear you say that." She pulled back to look at her. "I promise everything will be fine. Nothing will happen to you. You trust me?"

She nodded. "I trust you."

_-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_

"...to help us practice and to help the doctor," Nathan said, explaining the purpose of the mission simulation to the senior staff. "So, I'll turn the floor over to Dr. Smith..."

"Thank you, Captain," Wendy said, moving to stand at the front of the room. "Now, here's what I was thinking..."

As Wendy spoke, Kristin felt her mind wandering. Though her logical side knew Wendy was right, that she obviously needed to face her fear, she couldn't shake her uneasiness about this simulation.

"...I really won't dictate the military side...or the medical for that matter," Wendy continued. "I only came up with the idea to help Dr. Westphalen." She glanced towards Kristin. "I wasn't even planning on going, unless you want me to."

Kristin shrugged. "I don't... Where are we going exactly?"

Wendy turned to Nathan. "I guess I hadn't thought of that."

"We're not too far from the Gulf of Mexico, sir," Chief Ortiz pointed out. "We could use your island."

Nathan exchanged a glance with Kristin. "That's not a bad idea." He put a hand over hers. "Is that okay with you?"

She hoped he couldn't feel her hand trembling. "I don't care where we go. I just want to get it over with as quickly as possible."

Wendy moved to put a hand on her shoulder, giving it a squeeze. "By the end of this, you're going to wonder what you were so afraid of."

Kristin nodded.

Wendy turned back to the others. "So I thought we'd split into two teams..."

_-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_

After Wendy had finished explaining everything, the senior staff had fifteen minutes before they needed to meet in launch bay. As people filed out of the room, she moved to Kristin's side. "How are you doing?"

"I...I'm shaking like a leaf, that's how I'm doing," she replied, trying not to lash out at the younger doctor.

"Like I said, you're going to be fine." She motioned towards the door. "Do you really think any of us are going to let you get hurt?"

"N-no, of course not, but...there are forces beyond anyone's control like hurricanes and snowstorms."

"Snowstorms in the Yucatan?" Nathan said.

Kristin shot him a glare. "You know what I mean." She sighed. "Logically, I know-"

Wendy held up a finger. "Ah, ah, ah, remember, feelings and logic don't always go hand in hand."

"I know, I know."

"I, um... I was thinking of sitting this one out," Wendy told her.

Kristin gave her a look. "You're not going?"

"Not unless you need me to." She shook her head. "I don't really need a simulation, since I'm only here temporarily. And..." She nodded her head towards Nathan. "I think you're in good hands, don't you think?"

"I...suppose." She sighed and ran a hand through her hair. "You're right. You don't need to be there. I...I'll be fine."

"Good. I'll meet you in launch bay in a few minutes to see you off then," she said, leaving the room.

Once they were alone, Nathan turned to her. "I'm sorry for teasing you a bit. I was only trying to help lighten the mood."

"I understand, and it's...it's not your fault. It's me." She leaned her head against his shoulder. "Just promise me you'll stay with me."

He put an arm around her shoulders. "I promise, Kristin. I won't leave your side, but everything's going to be-"

"Fine, I know. Everyone's mentioned."

"You don't sound very confident." He paused. "We could always postpone this thing, you know."

She lifted her head to look at him. "What?"

"Well, I don't want you doing anything you don't feel you're ready for. I...I don't think I've ever seen you so scared. You're shaking. It's just... Is it really necessary? Is it absolutely vital you do this right now?"

"I don't..." She shook her head. "I suppose it isn't. I could wait until tomorrow or the next...or even two weeks from now. But will putting it off make it any easier? Certainly not! It's better I just get it over with. I...I need to do this at some point, so better now than later." She grabbed his hand and held it tightly. "Just don't let go."

He brushed his lips across hers, giving her hand a squeeze. "Never."

_-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_

Two hours later, the launches were pulled onto the shores of Nathan's island, and Kristin finally let out the breath she'd been holding in. Wendy had been right; nothing had happened...yet. They still weren't back on the _seaQuest_ safe and sound, but they'd been doing fine so far. And Nathan had held true to his promise and never moved more than six inches away from her.

"Doing all right?" he whispered into her ear.

She nodded and patted the arm that was swung over her shoulder. "Yes, thank you."

Nathan clapped his hands and turned to the group. "Okay, people, let's get to work. The sooner we get done here, the sooner we get back to the boat. I don't want us here more than one hour."

As the launch doors opened, Nathan helped Kristin out, and they all got to work, pretending as though there had been a distress call from the island and someone was in desperate need of medical attention. They'd did what they needed and finished in less than forty-five minutes.

"Good work, everyone," Nathan told them. "Take some time to relax, stretch your legs. Then we'll head back."

Kristin had been so focused on the task at hand that she hadn't paid too much attention to her surroundings. It was only when Nathan suggested they relax that she truly did. And when she turned towards the water, she suddenly realized how familiar it all had seemed, her mind floating back to the times when Carol had brought her to this very spot.

When she heard movement behind her, she turned to see Nathan. She offered him a smile. "It's more beautiful than I remembered..."

He moved to stand next to her. "I'd forgotten she brought you here. I suppose I didn't think how it might make you feel."

She waved a hand. "Oh, I'm not angry. Quite the opposite. I...I've come a long way since... It seems like it was ages ago."

"In a way, it was." He paused and placed a kiss to her cheek. "I am so proud of you, by the way. You were amazing. You kept your cool, and you didn't fall apart." He put his arms around her. "And look at that. You're still here."

She laughed softly. "I guess I am, but we haven't finished yet."

"But I can't help but notice you don't seem as scared as you were before."

"I'm not," she replied, patting his chest with her hand, "because I have you and the others. Wendy was right. I am wondering what I was so afraid of before."

Nathan kissed her again. "Should we head home now?"

"As long as you promise we can come back again...just the two of us."

He laughed. "Oh, that I can guarantee."


	28. We Can Never Give Up

**Three months later,** _**seaQuest** _

Carol Bridger sighed as she entered Kristin's room. Months had passed since Kristin had had her accident, yet she still couldn't stop herself from visiting her nearly every day. Of course, she could never let Kristin know she was here, much as she wanted to. Oh, certainly, Kristin would have welcomed her with open arms, but under the circumstances, this was for the best due to the powers that be.

Headquarters had indeed made it clear they were well aware of how she'd defied them. Since things had worked out so well, though, no reprimands were given. They'd made it clear to Carol that they were watching her, however, and if she slipped up, they wouldn't be so lenient the next time. To ensure she kept herself in check and didn't get more involved than she ought to, she often visited at night when Kristin was sure to be asleep, taking care not to touch her, and this particular night was no different.

She glanced towards Kristin's bunk, the woman in question fast asleep. She smiled to herself when she heard Kristin mumble something. Unfortunately, her smile soon faded when she noticed her tossing and turning. "She must be dreaming," Carol said softly to herself.

"No, please! I'm s-so cold."

 _Okay, make that a nightmare._ Carol sighed and carefully approached the bed. Beads of sweat dotted Kristin's forehead as she continued to toss and turn, moaning softly. Her brow furrowed. _That hit rather quickly, didn't it?_ Then again, she remembered hearing somewhere the average dream only lasted for a few seconds, so maybe it was perfectly normal.

"No, please!"

Carol bit her bottom lip in worry, finding it difficult to watch the younger woman experience such distress. _Wake up, Kristin,_ she thought. She couldn't stand seeing her in pain, but she couldn't exactly do anything about it, not unless she wanted to face the wrath of Headquarters. She honestly had no idea what they'd do to her, but she wasn't sure she wanted to find out either.

"No! I...I don't know how much longer I can hold on. Nathan, I...I n-need you to find me! I'm s-so cold. Please, come find me! I...I want to go home!" Tears began to stream down her cheeks as sobs escaped her throat.

Carol wrung her hands together, deliberating whether to follow her gut or not. _Oh, wake up, honey. Please, wake up._

"No!" Kristin shot bolt upright in bed, suddenly awake.

Carol breathed a sigh of relief. _Thank goodness._ She moved to the chair in the corner of the room and sat, watching silently.

"It was just a dream," Kristin said over and over again as if it were a mantra. She sighed, reached over to flip on the light, and pushed herself out of bed. She paced back and forth for a few minutes before stopping and glancing towards her bedside table.

Carol followed her gaze, which landed on her PAL unit. _Yes, that's probably a good idea. Call Nathan. He'll help to ease your mind._

As if she had heard her, Kristin walked to the table and touched the PAL unit wistfully, her teeth sinking into her bottom hip in thought. After a few moments, however, she pulled her hand away, giving a shake of her head. "I can't wake him," she whispered. "I...I have to get through this on my own." She crawled back into bed and shut the light off again.

Carol heard the sounds of the blankets rustling and Kristin's tossing and turning. Several minutes later, though, the room quieted, save for a light snore coming from the bed. _Well, at least she got back to sleep; guess she was fine on her own after all._ She carefully approached the bed again and sat down next to her. She reached a hand out and was just about to touch the woman's face when she began to stir again, soft moans of anguish escaping her throat. _Oh, no._

"No," Kristin mumbled. "Please."

 _I can't keep watching her go through this,_ Carol thought with a shake of her head, making her decision then and there. She'd been trying her best not to draw the attention of Headquarters, but this was an emergency. Whatever punishment they dealt her, she'd accept it, not really caring about herself at the moment.

"Nathan, p-please, come find me. I...I'm s-so c-cold."

She took Kristin's hand in her own and gave it a kiss. She then took a deep breath and closed her eyes. "Follow my voice, Kristin. It's just a dream. You're all right. Just follow my voice..."

_-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_

_Kristin felt a warm hand gently stroking her cheek. "Open your eyes, sweetheart. You're safe now."_

_"Mmm'kay," she mumbled, willing her heavy lids to open just a crack when she saw the familiar facing smiling down at her. Her eyes widened in surprise as she forced herself to sit up. "I don't believe..." She trailed off as she suddenly noticed her surroundings; she was on Nathan's island, and she wasn't cold any longer. It was pleasantly warm. Of course, it always was on Nathan's island, but the last thing she remembered... Well, one moment she was freezing, and the next..._

_Carol put her arm around her shoulders. "Are you all right?"_

_"That depends," Kristin muttered. "Are you a dream, too?"_

_Carol laughed softly. "I don't think so. You see, I decided to pay you a visit, and you were having a rather intense nightmare. I wasn't sure how else to stop it."_

_Kristin nodded quietly before wrapping the older woman in a tight hug. "Thank you." She felt happy tears spring to her eyes. "I never thought I'd see you again. I've missed you so."_

_Carol returned the embrace. "I've missed you too, dear, very much. You couldn't know this, but I still come to see you, almost every day. I just can't show you. Or I'm not supposed to."_

_Kristin gently pulled away to look at her, wiping the stray tears from her cheeks. "Why not?"_

_"Orders," Carol replied with a shrug. "Since your case is essentially closed, there's no reason for me to get involved...unless something else comes up." She motioned between the two of them. "This was just lucky, I suppose."_

_Kristin's brow furrowed. "You won't get in trouble now, will you?"_

_Carol waved a hand. "You don't need to worry about that. **I'm** not worried about it. I'm more concerned about you. Are you all right?"_

_"You mean because of the dream? I'm fine. I mean, I...I'm always a little shaken up after the fact, but it'll pass. It's not the first time, and it probably won't be the last."_

_The older woman nodded. "Perhaps, but I meant more in the general sense. A few months have gone by since we last saw one another. How are you?"_

_A ghost of a smile tugged at the corner's of Kristin's mouth. "I'm fine, for the most part. There are good days and bad days, but that's to be expected. Some days are more difficult than others, but I've been pushing through."_

_"I've noticed. And I heard you're back to normal duty now. Congratulations!" She patted Kristin's arm gently. "How are you coping without Wendy? It's been what? Two weeks now?"_

_"Yes," she said with a nod. "Saying goodbye to her was much like saying goodbye to you." She gave a light laugh. "It was rather ironic, since you know I wasn't too happy about her coming aboard in the first place." She paused and crossed her arms over her chest. "Why are we talking about all this, though? You already know what happened, don't you?"_

_Carol sighed. "Actually, no, I don't know everything. I've been busy with other assignments, and while I could check, I'd rather hear it from you, if you don't mind." She bit her bottom lip. "But... You realize this is probably one time deal? You and me, I mean? I can't say when it will happen again..."_

_Kristin nodded quietly, lowering her gaze. "The universe must have known I needed to see you."_

_Carol reached out and gave Kristin's hand a squeeze. "Well, the universe has its ways, you know." She sighed. "Now, getting back to Wendy, I know how close you two had become over the months. Surely, it won't be the last time you two see each other, though?"_

_Kristin shook her head. "Not if I can help it. She promised she'd keep in touch, and we spoke on the vid-phone just last week. She wants to get together the next time I take shore leave in Pearl. She said I should call her anytime..."_

_"But you haven't taken her up on that, have you?"_

_"Well, not yet, but... That's just something people say. They don't mean it literally. Besides, she doesn't need me bombarding her every time I feel a panic attack coming on, and I'm not about to go calling her in the middle of the night." She paused and eyed Carol carefully. "Besides, I thought the reason it all happened was a message from the universe? Well, I've heard it loud and clear."_

_A brow rose. "And what message was that? Not to call on those who've offered their help? Do you think Wendy was lying to you?"_

_Kristin sighed. "Well, no, of course not. If I did call her, I know she wouldn't complain. It's just that... Well, I'm trying to become more independent now. For months, I've needed to lean on everyone around me." She held up a hand. "I realize I couldn't have gotten through it alone, and I know they don't mind, but..." She shrugged. "Well, I'm trying not to run to them every time I have a little thing like a nightmare, especially not in the middle of the night."_

_"You think it's little?"_

_"Isn't it, though? I'd brought it up to Wendy in our sessions. She said it was natural. Both my body and mind are still adjusting."_

_Carol nodded. "Well, maybe I can understand not calling on Wendy right now, but what about Nathan? I notice you're no longer sleeping in the same room."_

_Kristin felt a rush of heat to her cheeks. "Gossip on the **seaQuest** spreads like an algae bloom, and we didn't want anyone thinking there was more than sleeping going on...because we haven't done more than that yet..." She shrugged and ran a hand through her hair. "I'm a big girl. I can sleep just fine on my own...or I should be able to anyway."_

_"Except when you have recurring nightmares," the blonde pointed out. "I watched you. You were going to call Nathan before, but you changed your mind. Why?"_

_"Because it's the middle of the night, and he and I both need to work in the morning. Why should I drag him into all this?" She shook her head. "I know he loves me, and I know he'd do anything for me, but... I don't see why I need to pull him out of bed at two in the morning."_

_A sigh escaped Carol's lips. "I think you're a bit confused about all this."_

_Kristin's jaw dropped. "Confused? What do you mean? I...I've listened to everything you've said. In fact, everyone's who's been involved with me since then has given me sage advice, and I've heeded as much as I could. I-"_

_"That's not what I meant exactly," Carol said gently. "You do recall that this entire situations had lessons for everyone involved?"_

_"Of course...and I think I've more than learned them."_

_"All right. Do you want to tell me what the lessons are? Obviously, you can really only know yours for sure, but certainly you can speculate the others' lessons, can't you?" She placed a hand on Kristin's shoulder. "Just humor me. I promise there's a point to all this."_

_Kristin took a deep breath. "Well... For me, I think I was supposed to take a step back, at least for a little while. After I did, I began to see things differently; I definitely learned not to take life for granted, and I also learned life is too short not to say what's in my heart. Obviously, I learned how to ask for help, to realize I didn't have to handle things on my own." She shrugged. "But I don't think the universe intended I live that way all the time. I feel much better now. Granted, like I said, there are good days and bad, and while it could be a while before I'm not affected by what happened in any way, I feel I'm in a much better place than I was."_

_"Good. And for everyone else?"_

_"Well, like I said, it brought us all closer together." She lowered her gaze. "I suppose...it made them realize how much they cared?" She then looked up at Carol. "Is...is that right?"_

_She gave a light laugh and placed a hand on her chest. "You're asking me?"_

_"Well, isn't that why you were asking? To tell me the correct answer."_

_She laughed. "It wasn't a test, dear. I don't think there's one correct answer, and I wouldn't say you're wrong in your assessment either. I can tell you your accident put a lot of things into perspective for every single person involved, so your guess sounds plausible." She reached for Kristin's hand and gave it a squeeze. "Do you regret what happened?"_

_Kristin's brow furrowed. "It's a little late for that now, isn't it? And even if I hadn't gone on the whale expedition, you said the universe would have found another way."_

_"Yes, that's true. I guess I was asking because I wanted to make sure you realized all the good things that came with it." She held up a hand. "Obviously, what happened to you wasn't a good thing, per se, but so much light has been shed on areas that were dark before it. Where there was once pain, now there's joy. And where there was weakness, you found strength. And you found it...mostly in Nathan."_

_She sighed. "So you're saying I should still be leaning on him?"_

_"I'm saying I think you shouldn't worry so much about what the rest of the crew thinks. Your first instinct was to call Nathan before, but you stopped. Why? Was it because you truly wanted to get through it on your own or because you were worried about what someone else might think?"_

_"A little of both I suppose, but more the latter."_

_Carol put her arms around her. "I think he'd help the dreams seem less worrying. You were calling for him in your sleep anyway."_

_Kristin nodded quietly as she laid her head on Carol's shoulder._

_"Besides," the older woman continued, "maybe it's time to give the rest of the crew something to talk about."_

_Her head snapped up as her face grew hot. "Are you suggesting..." She trailed off, unable to finish her sentence, feeling it a bit awkward._

_Carol waved a hand. "Yes, I **am** suggesting," she said with a grin. "Obviously, you two wait until you're ready, but I just hope you're not letting the rest of the crew hold you back."_

_She shook her head. "We wouldn't allow that... I don't think it'll be too much longer. I just think we're waiting until we have the time to get away."_

_"Good," Carol replied, giving her shoulder a squeeze. "So you won't think twice about calling someone the next time you need him or her?"_

_"I promise. I suppose...I still need some help here and there."_

_"We all do, dear...even me."_

_Kristin laughed softly. "Do angels have their own guardian angels?"_

_"Well, I have a few good friends I depend on, and since they're not exactly human..." She laughed as well. "James is probably my best friend these days. You know he loves you very much."_

_"Yes, I know. You'll take care of him for me?"_

_"As long as you'll take care of Nathan for me."_

_"That can be arranged," she said with a smile that faded quickly. "Though I have the sinking feeling this conversation is about to end."_

_Carol nodded. "I think it's time I bring you back." She pulled her into another hug. "Just remember you're going to be just fine. I have a feeling you're going to lead a long and happy life. Go and live it."_

_"I'll miss you," she whispered._

_"I know, but I'll always be with you. You'll never be alone. I'll still see you every day..."_

_-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_

When Kristin's eyes fluttered open, she realized she was trembling, though it wasn't exactly out of fear. Carol had put her mind at ease about so many things once again, and while she was sad she may never see her again, she was filled with peace about the entire situation. Still, she felt a bit shaky, and she knew Carol was right; she needed to call someone.

She pushed herself up, flipped on the light, and picked up her PAL unit. She stared at it for several long moments before setting it down again, giving a shake of her head. She decided it was better she go to him. There was no sense pulling him from his own room if she didn't need to. She got up, put on her robe, and quietly made her way through the corridor to his room.

She took a deep breath and knocked gently. When she didn't hear a response, she knocked a bit louder, feeling a stab of guilt for pulling him out of bed at such an hour. She bit her bottom lip and was about to turn away when the door suddenly opened, a bleary-eyed captain staring back at her.

"Kristin?" he asked, suddenly sobering up and rubbing his eyes. "Is it... Is it really you?"

She laughed softly. "I suppose having me show up on your doorstep in the middle of the night would seem a bit alarming, but as far as I know, it's really me. Is it all right if I slept here?" She sighed, lowering her gaze. "I know what we spoke about, but... I've been having these dreams, and I just... I don't want to be alone." She looked into his eyes. "Please?"

Nathan put an arm around her shoulders and ushered her inside. "Of course it's all right, Kris. I've always told you it was. You were the one who was more worried about the talk than anything." He paused and pulled her into a tight hug. "I wish you'd have told me they were still happening."

She shrugged and settled into his embrace. "I didn't realize it was affecting me as much as it was. You know how dreams are. Sometimes things creep up you thought were long-buried. You mentioned how you sometimes still dream of Sam. Normally, my dreams aren't quite as persistent. I didn't want to wake you, but I didn't know who else to call on either."

He kissed her forehead. "Don't you worry about that. I've always told you I'm here for anything you need."

"I know," she said with a nod, "but it's not quite like it was before. We have work, responsibilities... Losing sleep doesn't make for a pleasant work day."

He untied her robe and slipped it off her shoulders. He then ushered her towards his bunk, urging her to lie down before crawling in next to her and pulling the covers up over them. As she snuggled in close to him, he wrapped his arms around her. "We can chase sleep together. As long as I'm with you, I don't care how tired I am."

She laughed. "Say that after you've stayed up all night with me."

"It depends on how we _spend_ that night," he said with a wink. "I don't think I'd mind it as much as you think."

She sighed and laid her head on his chest. "Whatever you say, sailor." She stifled a yawn. "Sorry, but I don't think tonight is the night for anything more than sleep. I am tired, despite my mind not quite realizing that fact."

He gently rubbed her back. "Kristin, I certainly didn't expect... It was just a little joke."

"I know," she replied, patting his chest gently. "Believe me, it's not from lack of desire. I was thinking perhaps in the near future we could plan a weekend away, just the two of us?"

"To the island?"

She nodded. "You did promise me we'd go there again."

"I did, didn't I?" he said thoughtfully. "You have this weekend off, don't you?"

She lifted her head to look at him. "Yes, why?"

"Lucky for you, so do I. Tomorrow is Friday. After we get off duty, what do you say we steal away for the weekend?" he asked with a boyish grin.

Her jaw dropped slightly. "Oh..."

His smile faded. "You don't like the idea after all?"

"N-no, I do. It's just you're forgetting about Lucas. What about our movie night?"

"I'll ask him if we can reschedule for Sunday night. I'm sure he won't mind."

Kristin's face grew warm. "I'm not sure that's a good idea."

"Why not?"

She sat up and wrung her hands together. "Be-because...won't he wonder why we're going away for the weekend?" She sighed. "He'll put two and two together, and it'll be embarrassing and awkward..."

"Kristin, he's almost seventeen years old."

"Exactly," she replied. "That means he'll know _exactly_ why we're going away together."

Nathan put his arm around her shoulders. "You're being paranoid. You know Lucas is more mature than he lets on, and we've let him into our relationship. It's worked well so far. Not that the subject of sex has come up, but I think we need to give him a little credit. Even if he knows about it, well... He knows that's what two people in love do...eventually." He kissed her cheek. "Not only that, just because we'll be alone and have complete privacy... I don't expect..." He sighed. "You know I'm perfectly happy if we just spend time together outside of the bedroom."

She smiled softly and brushed her lips against his. "Thank you for saying that. How about we just play it by ear, hm?"

"Wait, so you're saying yes?"

"As long as you're sure Lucas is okay with it. I don't want him angry at us."

"He won't be," he assured her. "Though I don't know about you, but I think we'd better turn in or we'll be falling asleep during the staff meeting."

"I can only imagine the rumors that would spark from that if we did," she said, moving to settle into the crook of his arm once again. She sighed happily. "It's been a hell of a tour so far, hasn't it?"

"You can say that again. Any regrets?"

She shook her head. "Never...and I can't wait to see what the future holds." She took one of his hands and laced her fingers in with his. "I'm just glad we don't have to go through it alone."

"Me, too," he replied. _"And therefore I have sailed the seas and come; to the holy city of Byzantium."_

She smiled softly. "Oh, that's a lovely thought before bed. Goodnight, Nathan. I love you."

"I love you, too, Kristin. Sweet dreams." He then cleared his throat and said, _"Once out of nature I shall never take; my bodily form from any natural thing; but such a form as Grecian goldsmiths make; of hammered gold and gold enameling; to keep a drowsy Emperor awake; or set upon a golden bough to sing; to lords and ladies of Byzantium; of what is past, or passing, or to come."_

_-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_

From the corner of the room, James watched as Carol sighed contentedly. He placed a gentle hand on her shoulder. "You've certainly done a good job with them."

She turned around. "James, I wasn't expecting you." She hugged him in greeting. "Had a lull in your work, have you?"

"A bit, yes," he replied, turning back to look at the sleeping couple. "They're going to be just fine now, Carol."

"I know," she said quietly. "I just can't...can't tear myself away. How do you do it?"

He shrugged. "I don't, really. I visit her more than you know, but now that she has Nathan, I'll worry much less about her." He gave her arm a squeeze."You really don't need to worry either."

She gave a quiet nod, and there was a long silence between them. Finally, she asked, "Does Headquarters know what I did earlier?"

"Yes."

He heard her swallow hard. "Are they angry?"

"I don't think so. They've given you a new assignment, and they asked me to deliver it for you." He shrugged. "Well, actually, I requested you. It's another one of those _special_ circumstances."

A brow rose. "Someone else on the boat?"

"Not exactly, but you' know her already. It's my niece."

"Cynthia?" Carol shook her head. " _Please_ don't tell me something bad happens to her. I'm not sure Kristin could take any more pain right now."

"That's exactly why I wanted _you_." He gave a heavy sigh. "Nothing's happened to her yet, and while I commend what she's trying to do, she's going to need protection. She's smuggling children."

"Smuggling children?" she repeated. "What?"

He held up his hands. "It isn't quite as sordid as it sounds. It's for a good reason. They're boys from the Amazonian Confederation. She's doing good work, but it's extremely dangerous." He nodded his head towards Kristin. "Of course, she hasn't told her mother for good reason, too. Will you keep her safe for me?"

"Of course I will," she replied, "though I have to wonder why you're not going instead."

He shrugged. "I've visited her a few times already. I tried to talk her out of it, actually, but that didn't go over so well. She's so much like her mother."

Carol smiled softly. "At least she cares about her fellow man. You should be proud."

"Oh, I am, indeed. I just don't want to see her on _our_ side any time soon."

"You can count on me," she told him, turning back to the bunk. She leaned over and whispered something into Kristin's ear James couldn't quite make out and gave her a kiss on the cheek, causing the sleeping woman to sigh happily. She then moved around to Nathan's side and did the same before turning back to him. "I'm ready now."

James kissed Kristin's cheek as well before whispering, "I love you, angel face." He then moved to Carol's side and put an arm around her shoulders. "Let's go then."


End file.
